Wilfred: Man's Best Nightmare

Four seasons of Wilfred over the week has finally come to an end and I am still not sure if Ryan found happiness. The show is about a man named Ryan who is trying to commit suicide when his neighbor asks him to watch her dog Wilfred last minute due to an emergency. To the world, Wilfred is a dog, to Ryan, he is an Australian guy in a dog suit that talks to him. This quirky buddy comedy follows the adventures of a man and his neighbor's dog and their very screwed up relationship. Wilfred is four seasons long and originates from Australia. It will also have its own version of the show reincarnated on Russian television soon.

Ryan still can't believe he is getting baked with a talking dog

Down and Dirty : [Just How You Like it]

Wilfred is funny and adorable comedy, but does get a bit bizarre toward the end. The conclusion wasn't as satisfying as I had hoped because it was inconclusive on Ryan's happiness. Perhaps the answers were never meant to be sought by Ryan, but experienced and understood as one large adventure of life.

A theme that is prevalent throughout the series is the philosophy of dogs coming into your life at the right time for a reason, much like guardian angels. But think of this dog as more of a bad acid trip as Ryan tries to figure out whether Wilfred's existence is real or if he is just crazy like his mother.

The first two seasons are light-hearted and tug at the heart strings. One of the more unique things about the series is with the start of each episode a quote appears and a word pops into the foreground, becoming the theme of each episode. While the ending of each episode has some of the best parts as you get to spend time watching Ryan and Wilfred interact in their own very screwed up way. The entire show is very psychological and delves into pieces of emotional issues that the audience can relate to. By Season 3 and 4, the theme of the show becomes really dark as they spend a lot of time screwing with your head about Wilfred's existence. This show grows tremendously on you and is therapeutic in certain ways when you start reflecting on your own life.

Characters:

The first few episodes are maybe strange for some people, but the connection with the characters and their relationships catch on quick. What is great about this show is the perception of people rather than the people themselves. Everyone is human and no one is a strong stereotype of a type of person, but rather good people with flaws. Making them balanced and likable characters no matter where they stem from personality wise.

Ryan:

Ryan is very much like the rest of us. Doesn't know where he fits in with the world, has issues holding him back and isn't sure how to fix them.

Elijah Wood is adorable as the sensitive, lost soul and does an amazing job at portraying Ryan's struggles. Because of this, Ryan is a very likable character, even when he is wrong. His relationship with Wilfred at first is strange, but he becomes very dependent on his charming bastard of a friend as time goes on. Ryan learns a lot about himself and the pain he struggles with when Wilfred forces him to address them little by little. The best scene in the series is when Ryan is crying over his break up with Amanda and Wilfred curls up to him to comfort him. As screwed up as their relationship was, Ryan needed Wilfred as much as Wilfred needed him.

Wilfred:

Wilfred is Jenna's dog that she has had since he was a pup. To everyone else, he is an actual dog, but what he looks like to Ryan is something more, the friend he never had. Wilfred has been called everything from a demon to a mystical creature to a God. But whatever he is, he came at the right time when Ryan was in need of a friend the most.

Because of this, Ryan's existence becomes less dark and lonely and more chaotic as he tries to control Wilfred's insistent desire for him to face his demons. The most interesting part about Wilfred is how well Jason Gann wrote in the dog like behaviors and details of Wilfred's character. Sure he is mostly an obnoxious animal who doesn't seem to have any discipline, but he is amusing, charming and downright fun to watch. The things he says is the best part about his character as he uses colorful language and coughs up hair brain ideas to drag Ryan into.

Jenna:

Jenna is Ryan's crush. She is literally the girl next door and Ryan spends most of his time trying to tell her how he feels, but never ends up gaining the courage to so do. We spend a lot of time watching Ryan do things to impress her and eventually stay away due to Jenna's boyfriend being around.



 

Drew:

Drew is Jenna's boyfriend and eventual husband in the show. Drew is a macho man, but not as douchey of a character as people might think. We want to hate Drew, but he really isn't that bad of a guy and he treats Ryan like a friend even though they have nothing in common besides being neighbors and Jenna's dog, Wilfred. He may not be the sensitive, romantic type, but he is a nice person and I really liked him up til the end, despite my urge for both Ryan and Jenna to be together.

 

 


 Bear:

Bear is basically a semen filled, giant stuffed teddy bear that is Wilfred's favorite toy and supposed life partner [its complicated]. Wilfred rescues Bear from the clutches of the evil Doggy Day Care owner and constantly abuses Bear by yelling or sometimes hitting her when he is angry. Bear is pretty much the bizarre accomplice to Wilfred's games and Ryan only tolerates Wilfred's behavior with Bear because of the fact that she isn't a living creature.

Wilfred talks to Bear like Ryan talks to Wilfred, paralleling their relationship in a very interesting manner. Wilfred is just as obsessed and attached to Bear as Ryan is attached to Wilfred. While nobody can hear what Wilfred is saying to Ryan, Ryan can't hear what Bear is saying to Wilfred.




 

Kristin:

Kristin is Ryan's bossy, controlling sister. She constantly manipulates Ryan to do what she needs and yet is caring in her own zealous way. Kristin is an accomplished doctor who feels the need to lie about her less than perfect life and continue the image of a stable person even when she is not. She gets along well with Ryan's father, but is not so close to her mother. The opposite of Ryan in pretty much all aspects.





Story:

The story has a certain structure to it. A themed word for each episode and a lesson for Ryan to learn during that time. Ryan is complicated in a sense. He is sensitive and a people pleaser. He rather lie than admit a damaging truth. Wilfred constantly exposes his problems throughout the series with his dastardly nonsensical ways that totally mess with Ryan's life. Only then is Ryan forced to come clean and grow as a person. The first two seasons are fun and wacky while the last two seasons get really trippy and dark. The reasons why they decided to change the series up so dramatically is questionable at best. It does become interesting and exciting to attack the question of what is Wilfred only to be lead through windy paths and down rabbit holes. The show keeps you guessing and in a sense, is still a good watch regardless of how screwed up it becomes.

This is every pot smoker's Friday night.

Dog vs. Man:

The strange relationship between Ryan and Wilfred is particularly special in the show due to Ryan being the only one that can hear him. Even though this would be totally strange for a normal person, he rolls with it and never seems to question Wilfred's existence much until later when he realizes Wilfred is a total manipulative bastard. There is a LOT of irony in this show and the absurdity of the situations they get themselves into makes it even better.



Questionable Presents Wilfred Would Leave on Your Lawn:

1. Ryan talking to Wilfred:

Its really a miracle how long Ryan goes without anyone among his family and friends notices he talks to Wilfred or talks to himself in general. I mean he had a room mate for a while and she had to notice at some point how much Ryan talks to himself alone. Also haven't they noticed the multiple times Ryan stares at Wilfred and making the "WTF" face all the time? I mean they probably could chalk it up to him being a lazy pothead, but not once did they question his weird mannerisms?

Bruce asks the same questions as Jigsaw. They must be related.

2. Who the Hell is Bruce?:

Bruce is this random guy that comes around and screws with Ryan and Wilfred. We don't know much about why him and Wilfred are friends, nor do we understand why Bruce can also see Wilfred. We just know the guy is a creepy weirdo. We do however get to find out a bit more about him in the end.

3. Wilfred Should Have Died from Diabetes:

As much human food Wilfred eats on the show, its a surprise he didn't die in a few months. We see him eat everything from nachos to cheese puffs to shit to chocolate and everything in between. We rarely see Ryan cook food, but often has take out or snacks with Wilfred. I would be surprised if Jenna kept buying him dog food after a while since he practically eats all the time at Ryan's place.

4. Drew is Very Stupid:

Throughout the show Ryan hides his feelings for Jenna due to Drew being around. But he is always doing nice things for her, its a wonder Drew never at least suspected something earlier. Especially since Ryan was single the majority of the show and is always thoughtful of what Jenna wanted. Drew is either a very trusting guy or very dense. I think he is a little of both.

All dogs are art connoisseurs at heart.

5. The Basement:

All the way til the end we STILL don't fricken know if the basement exists or if it was still all in Ryan's head. In one of the seasons it was suggested that the basement didn't actually exist and it was all in his head. Instead of finding a basement, Ryan finds a closet and freaks out. Then he rediscovers the basement later. The question still remains at the end after Ryan realizes what is going on if the basement actually exists.

6. Mortgage Due:

Ryan is unemployed the majority of the story. How much did Ryan make before he just quit his job and tried to commit suicide? He spends a good portion of 4 years on and off employed with really long stretches of unemployment and heavy pot smoking. That has to get expensive with the house he lives in and everything else. And in California no less!

7. There are Tons of Loose Ends:

The show jumps around about the mystery of Wilfred, but never explains quite clearly whether Wilfred really is a God or Ryan is just bat shit crazy. They do tie up the majority of the questions at the end, but Wilfred still remains the ultimate mystery. What Wilfred states can not be accounted for as truth in this situation since Ryan is also considered to have a similar condition of illness as his mother. So what Wilfed says could be what Ryan wants to hear. Maybe Ryan's happiness just depended on him being OK that he was freaken delusional.

Couch surfing is hard work, bro.

8. This Couch:

Seriously? Does this couch even exist on the beach in Venice? I'm starting to question my own sanity if this couch is real. This looks like the same couch in the basement. So is Ryan really ever on the beach or is he just pretending he is on the beach?

9. Jenna is the Worst Dog Owner Ever:

Not only does she pawn Wilfred off to Ryan whenever she can, she never seems to keep track of her dog. Wilfred is always wandering out of the home and into the streets or Ryan's yard. She can never find him, keep control of him or has any time to take care of him. Its a surprise she didn't just let Ryan keep him considering he seemed to take care of the dog most of the time.

1O. Weed Head:

Is it me or does Ryan have some great cleaning skills? Why do the characters never comment that his home smells like weed? Considering he not only smokes both down and upstairs, you would think that stuff would totally be in the cushions, the walls, the floors, everything.

11. What Major Event was Meant to Happen?:

In one of the episodes Wilfred states a major event was going to happen. Men would cry, babies would burn in a fire, or something of that manner. By the end of the episode, its still inconclusive what exactly was going to happen that was major nor does it get pointed out later in the episodes. Its like they just forgot about it.

12. Lord of the Rings

HA. Elijah Wood can never escape being the RING BEARER for everyone. I love these scripted inside jokes.

Love at first sniff.

Overall I liked the first few seasons of Wilfred. It did get really weird after a while and strangely confusing in the fourth season with Ryan's heightened paranoia. It also didn't really give a happy ending exactly, but left it open to interpretation and perhaps an eventual lead in to a movie.

But as far off the beaten path it went, it eventually circled back to the main message toward the end. Animals were put here to guide us, simplify us and to help us come back to what matters. That the simple things in life are the most pleasurable and being true to yourself is the only way to live. Wilfred pulls at the heart strings of all animal lovers. And as the saying goes, you don't pick the animal, the animal picks you. If you ever had a dog, loved a dog, lost a dog, or currently own a dog, you will enjoy what Wilfred has to offer. At least for the first few seasons.

What version was your favorite? The American or the Australian?

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DnD Rating: 7/1O

The Flash: Reverse Flash Makes His Appearance and Streaks Away Leaving Us With Questions

A better look at the two flashes shows absolutely nothing

The Flash had a freaken exciting episode as we totally got to see Barry finally go after the man who killed his mother. While everyone is squealing that Dr. Wells is the Reverse Flash, I feel that we shouldn't take it at face value just yet. Just because he has the suit doesn't mean he is whoever we think he is.

Although the vibrating voice is hard to explain as he does the same voice altercation that Barry can do. But if they are trying to be some what faithful to the comics, here is what the reverse flash can do:

"Through this Speed Force, he also has the ability to create multiple after-images like Hunter Zolomon, the modern day Zoom, and, unlike The Flash and other users of the original Speed Force, can travel through and alter time, and can erase people from existence (Flash cannot change the past without dramatic consequences). He paradoxically exists Backwards in time. In the events leading up to Flashpoint, Professor Zoom has developed numerous powers including the ability to absorb other people's memories and experiences, change his age, and drastically alter time." - Reverse Flash Wikipedia Page.

The first and the last line leaves a paradox of all kinds of possibilities that could occur. Could he be manipulating Wells or could he be two versions of himself? Its all so confusing. So it could be exactly what it is, or it could be totally not. Creating after images of himself and altering time sounds like something this guy would do. Which could explain Dr. Wells beating himself up....but it could also be a creation that got out of control.

Which is also why he chose to beat the crap out of him, repaying the favor of his creation by trying to kill Wells. Dr. Wells does have a lot of enemies and doesn't seem like the friendly neighbor down the street. It would be likely he would make an enemy of the Reverse Flash considering any possible history they had together if he created him and bailed at the first sign of trouble. However it would be strangely irresponsible for Wells to do so without a very good reason.

Despite the exciting ending where Wells reveals the reverse flash suit in his shady as shit off time activities it doesn't make it true that he is the reverse flash, but lets check out Well's activities so far:

Episode 1: Wells reveals he is a shady bastard and has his own private room where he views a newspaper from the future where the Flash is missing in a crisis as well as Wayne Enterprises merges with Queen Inc [foreshadowing for Gotham or Arrow maybe?]. We get the particular date of April 25, 2024, the same date Wally West took up the reins for becoming the Flash. This edition could also be referring to Barry sacrificing himself in the storyline Crisis on Infinite Earths. We also learn he could walk and he totally didn't need glasses. We also learn that Grodd escaped probably during the particle accelerator explosion...but we had no idea who Grodd was at this point.

Episode 2: He stabs a guy for wanting Barry and tells him he needs to keep Barry safe. Safe for what perhaps? He has done tests on Barry and if he wanted to be the Reverse Flash, wouldn't it have been better to kill him now rather than later as he gets stronger? Or was he waiting for Barry to be at his peak before he stole his powers? Or is it a possibility if Wells is a time traveler that HE is a descendent of the Flash? They do kind of look similar in certain instances. A line was stated in the last episode that Barry and Harrison were alike.

Episode 3: We see Wells have a flashback where he is watching Barry on a camera. Meaning he knew about Barry's future condition well beyond the time line. So he had to have traveled from the future to be able to know when precisely to watch him and acquire him as he got struck by lightening.

Episode 5: We find out he has been at least around for 5 years and also could be responsible for the Gorilla beast villain known as Grodd.

Episode 6: Wells is lightly interrogated by Joe. He refuses to incriminate himself and we find out hes been in Central City even longer than that. At least 14 years. Before that he was in Maryland with his girl and she was in a tragic car accident. In the last part of the episode we see a flash of both red and yellow just like the event Barry had been through when he was a kid. Indicating Future Flash and Future Reverse Flash were in the same room fighting each other. Apparently Future Flash was trying to prevent Future Reverse Flash from killing his adoptive father. And apparently some one was trying to make the evidence of their case disappear. But who?

Episode 7: Wells goes out and takes the blood of a metahuman that could steal Barry's powers. Trying to unlock the secrets of how to take these powers from the Flash or was he really doing that to understand how to remove the powers and cure all of the metahumans that now exist? Is this the beginning of the Reverse Flash? Who knows.

Episode 8: Even though we didn't get a shady Wells scene, we did get a note that The Arrow felt something was off about him.

Episode 9: Wells is beaten up by the Reverse Flash. He even states "Dr. Wells, we meet at last." I think Wells is responsible for the Reverse Flash, but in what manner we aren't sure just yet. We also never got a good explanation of how Dr. Wells became "crippled" by this point either. What we know is that Dr. Wells will do anything to get the job done, including sacrificing people in the process. Perhaps he really screwed this guy over and he's been haunting him and the Flash ever since?

Look into the eyes of Zod!

What we do know is this. The Flash can go through time and dimensions at his fastest speed [but not without consequence], so it is possible the Flash could have ran back in time chasing the Reverse Flash who was trying to kill him as a boy. In the process, the Reverse Flash ended up killing his mother instead. But where is this other flash? Dr. Wells DOES have the Flash ring. There is no mention of the Reverse Flash ever obtaining this ring for any reason.

Lets think about the other evidence here. It is stated in the midseason finale that Barry's whole life was created off of one event. What if Barry's mother was meant to die no matter how hard he tried to stop it? He would have never became a forensics analysis person and would have never been in that room to get struck by lightening. What if this was the reason this current reverse flash had to do it? Triggering events to make the impossible possible. Would Wells use the blood of the metahuman to give to another or use it on himself? Could Wells be a future Eobard Thawne or Hunter Zoloman under a different alias? Or could there be TWO Reverse Flashes?

On IMDB it states Dr. Wells is the Reverse Flash and Detective Joe West is the Reverse Flash. So who is the real Reverse Flash in that trap? And did we just get an accidental spoiler? Or is IMDB jumping to conclusions and throwing us far off the trail?

At one point the Reverse Flash knocks out all of Eddie's men and stops in front of him. They seem like the same height minus a small lift from the boots with the suit, so there could be a possibility the Reverse Flash in the trap is a descendent of Eddie or IS Eddie. The good doctor even stating Eddie by his LAST NAME before he told him if he would like to read him his rights, identifying him as some kind of relation to the Reverse Flash. Which means there is a possibility that the Reverse Flash in the trap may not be Wells at all, but some one else entirely.

Or perhaps Eddie is seeking revenge in the future for losing Iris to Barry. It is possible that he does something drastic and Dr. Wells uses him in the suit, maybe even use that guy's blood to make a serum to turn Eddie into the Reverse Flash. Or perhaps Iris dies [she dies in the comics] which turns Joe to desperate measures and HE becomes the Reverse Flash seeing as he has a good relationship with Dr. Wells. It definitely raises a lot of questions.

Some day buddy, I'll be wearing you.

Now the device Dr. Wells had in the vault was the piece he needed for the suit, but it is unknown how he obtained it from the Reverse Flash. It makes the suit glow from the particles which supposedly makes him invulnerable. The question is from what? It seems too simple for him to be the Reverse Flash and I don't want to assume just yet. There is a possibility the ending all together was a red herring and he is maybe a different character that wants to end the Flash, but in order to do that must have the Reverse Flash's help to do so.

So after all of that conclusion here are some thoughts:

Dr. Harrison Wells is either Hunter Zoloman or a Future Flash supported by this evidence:

Hunter Zoloman:

1. All of his motives are to protect and make the Flash a better hero.
2. His S/O died in a car accident just like in the comics.
3. Like the comics, he is in a wheelchair, but for different reasons and has a connection to Grodd. Since Grodd escaped, did he get hurt by Grodd and then heal up during the 9 months Barry was in a coma?
4. He seemed to know the future, which means its possible he can time travel himself.
5. He has the suit or one of the suits, which means he could be the third version of the reverse flash.
6. He states in the first episode when he watches Barry on the camera "See you soon, Barry." In the last episode the Reverse Flash also states "See you soon." And you know who I am.


Future Flash:

1. His motives are to protect Barry at all cost. If that is the case, that means he has a stake in his existence. Which could point to him being a descendent.
2. Barry and Harrison do look similar, both have high intelliect and it would explain his capabilities, possible inheriting them from his line.
3. In the last episode, when the Reverse Flash and the Flash were fighting, he took off his mask and paused for a moment before he tried to destroy him. This could indicate that he was confused whether he was the present or future Flash. Since Star Labs made both suits, it is possible Wells also used the suit in the future, but a better version of it.
4. The man is very calculating. It seems he understands his actions on how his presence effects this current time line and takes all measures to ensure certain events occur.
5. He looks at Barry as if he admires him, stating he is a hero and there is a lot of good he could do. He could be encourage him to be the man he knew him to be as a boy. If a descendent were able to meet the first flash, his ancestor, I think they would also look at them with awe that the came from that line. Its like meeting your bad ass grandpa that was a young marine in world war II. You would probably be interested in getting to know him.
6. We have not seen the appearance of the other "red blur" or future flash.

I know evidence for a Future Flash is not strong at this time, but I do believe evidence may exist to throw people off the trail.

I believe Dr. Wells is responsible for the future Reverse Flash whether intentionally or by accident due to his current activities. I think we should also address Dr. Well's loss of Morgan Tess, the woman he loved, if she even existed. As far as we know...she is made up since we have never seen a photo or a flashback of her. There could be a possibility she died due to the Reverse Flash and he is now trying to stop him with his own version and with the help of the device. Or perhaps make Barry better to stop the Reverse Flash from killing anymore people.

To the future! So we can confuse the hell out of you.

There is the possibility of two reverse flashes. The future one who he created and destroyed his life and the one he becomes [if he is the reverse flash at all]. Since there are more than one version of the Reverse Flash in the comics just as there are more than one version of the Flash, this is possible. Now the Reverse Flash did state him and the Flash had been at this a long time, but he is always one step ahead. This same remark was also casually stated by the General in the 5th episode.

Although Wells always seems a step ahead himself. Perhaps he still carries the same motives of Zoloman trying to make the Flash a better hero and going back to create tragedy to alter the time line against something far worse in the future. We don't know, but it sounds like it is worth finding out.

And last, but not least, a weirder theory I have thought about:

Oliver stated in the first episode that he believed the lightening chose him. Could the lightening be Future Flash choosing to strike Barry himself? Could the particle accelerator not even be that at all, but a time traveling device or the cosmic boom of the future flash or the reverse flash arriving back in time that caused the reactor to blow up?

If you have not seen The Flash, I highly recommend it. Its the best new comic book show to come out this fall season and you can see it on Hulu.

DnD Rating: 9/1O

The Week in WTF: TV Mishaps

A few of my favorite shows are wrapping up with their infamous "Screw you, we are taking a two month break" finales and I couldn't help, but to notice a lot of WTF has happened this week on a few episodes. Lets take a look shall we?


The Walking Dead: Midseason Finale

So the Walking Dead finally wrapped up what had to be their most exciting season yet. No longer are we spending episodes watching Rick and the group farm turnips or watch as people die of sickness or stupidity. Nope. This season begins with a bang as Carol shocks everyone by turning She Rambo by blowing up a compound and busting everyone out. YOU GO GIRL! Man that was some awesome shit.

After that they curtailed the cannibal storyline by killing off the rest of the group, set up tent at a church with a cowardly priest and then tried to save the world. That is until, Eugene Mullet totally spilled the beans and stated he wasn't an actual scientist. Well that was a bummer. Kind of makes you wonder whats the point of the show anymore and how this is going to end. But the most interesting storyline had to be Beth's time at the hospital and the rescue mission, leading to the saddest ending I've seen in a while. Shit man...stop making me feel things.

But there were some weird things that happened during that episode that caught my attention...:

Thank you Carol for being the reason to watch this season

1. Gun Slinging from Rooftops -

During the episode we had a couple shooters on the rooftops that even a blind man could see. Instead they disappeared from the shot as if they were mysterious rooftop gunman. Come on. This isn't a Tom Clancy novel. This is the Walking Dead. These people are not trained snipers. The cops should have been able to spot them on the rooftops.  Maybe even throw a rock and hit one.

2. The Perfect Head Shot -

So some one stabs some one and they get shot in the head from the person they were stabbing. The fact that she had the capability to unhoster the gun, tilt it up and shoot from the hip right through the head in a matter of a split second is pretty ridiculous. I know she's a trained cop, but no.

3. Also Eugene is an idiot.


The Flash: The Long Introduction to the Arrow Episode Crossover

So the Flash has been doing really well as far as story goes. I'm totally loving it. Grant Gustin is a great Barry and I'm totally in love with Dr. Harrison Wells and his shady activities. But this episode had to be the worst episode I had seen since the start. It felt like one big set up for the Flash crossover to the Arrow show the next day and left me with little f*cks to give. The first 7O% of the episode was great. It was interesting. But the last 3O% turned into...oh my God what did you do?

What happened? -

Waiting to screw up a great concept

The Flash had a new bad guy that had potential and wasted it. He was a metahuman that could tap into people's inner anger and have them freak out while he robbed banks. We didn't even get to see Arrow and Flash take him down. We just saw him imprisoned after wasting a whole lot of time trading quips, one moment of training and then a long battle between the two in the streets where he also subsequently screws up his relationship with Iris.

But guess what...we never really got enough connection between Iris and the Flash to make it even tragic that she turns against him. I know she smiles as if her panties were wet every time he zips by, but it would have been more fatal if he had a chance to kiss her and leave or at the very least, her talk about how handsome he is in passing. Why would Iris feel so betrayed so easily? He saves a ton of people. Then he screws up one time and she doesn't believe him anymore? Lame. Arrow is right. Quit her player. She isn't worth it.

Everyone Hates Arrow -

In the beginning everyone was totally like "I don't trust that dude." Then later it was like "Bro, we totally accept you. Even if your ways are totally screwed up." Did I miss a whole chunk of story here? Because I really felt like I did. So he saved everyone from Barry and that makes him cool? Hard to fight for your affections, background cast of the Flash.


Constantine: The Curse that Keeps on Giving

So Constantine had an awesome come back this week with some dark angel shit. OH YES. Angels rock. Especially evil ones. But Constantine is that lovely British train wreck of a show that is begging for a cancellation.

This Show Must be Women Repellent -

First you dump the woman we thought you were going to gallivant across the spectral world with and now you decide in the middle of the season to shuck out an episode where Zed vanishes. Come on people. Get it together already. We don't have time for you to figure out how to dig yourself out of the hole after you screwed yourself. Just fix it already.

I was SO confused why Zed was gone and why they haven't mentioned her during the episode or even called her to come join in on some ghost bustering with good ol John Constantine. Yup, they decided to switch some episodes around due to the mishap with the vanishing chick from the pilot episode and then decided to air this random episode just for shits and giggles. It would have been better if they just axed it all together.

Zed is squinting hard to find her name in the script

They redeemed themselves with the last episode with the fallen angel shit, but come on DC. Do you want a second season or not? You are totally not blowing me away with this show. In fact you are confusing the hell out of me. Besides that, John is starting to bore me. Same thing, different episode, bla bla bla. We are NO CLOSER to who the hell John Constantine is. Its also been a few eps since we heard about this child he sacrificed. There isn't much development on what that was about. We just keep hearing about it.

Whoever is on the rewrites with Constantine needs to go back to story 1O1. You are boring the shit out of me, bro with all of these loose ends. I needs me some character development.

This is What is Wrong With Hollywood: The Final Book Split Conspiracy and Market Flooding

As I return from my holiday weekend high, I think of all the stupid shit happening lately in the entertainment industry with YA culture and the fantasy genre. This is, "What is wrong with Hollywood," a new rant addition for your reading pleasure:

You want to know what is wrong with Hollywood?

These movies:

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1/2
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1/2

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1/2

The Hobbit 3: Battle of the Five Armies

Divergent - Soon to be Part 1/2 of Nobody Cares

Avengers: Infinity Wars Part 1 and Part 2 

Future humans everywhere will question our intelligence.

We all know Hollywood is one greedy squirrel humping the money tree, but what blows my mind is the complete BS of these money guzzling movies that they keep making. Do we really need two parts of the last book? Did we need 3 Hobbit movies? Don't get me wrong, I love the Hobbit. Its the only book in the Tolkien series that I didn't want to take a chainsaw to. But Hollywood is just wiping their ass on my childhood favorites. Next thing I know, they are going to make a four part mini series on Akimba and the Magic Cow. You don't know what that is? Look it up, don't be lazy. It was my favorite childhood book, but that's because I had a dope father that had great voice acting skills.

So while Hollywood is pumping out extra content of every female teenager's fantasies [to screw a much older man, to have hot elf/dwarf action, and for hot guys to go out with plain, uninteresting female heroines], I am here waiting for this shit to explode and Hollywood's dick to shrivel up and run for the hills until the next big thing.

Right now they are salivating over comic book movies which is great for me, but also shitty. As a loving fan of all things fantasy and pseudo-science, I think this is only going to put a lot of pressure on film makers and make them churn out craptastic movies at a astounding rate. By the end of 2018, the comic book genre will also be beaten bloody thanks to the mighty hands of Sir Fux it Up and the Hollywood hillbillies that keep gunning for our money.

So what can we do now? We sort of created this monster by nerdgasming every time they did a big reveal and cheered as our favorite Hollywood hunk and beauty picks up a role. Well, our opinions don't matter as long as we keep going to these things. What we can do is encourage a better generation of film directors that won't take shit from the likes of execs who have no idea how to make a proper Spiderman movie or who think all animated movies do well no matter what. 

Putting that shit back into the hands of the wise artist that understands the business side of the house is the best thing we can hope for. Because giving it to a pure artist is just as stupid as giving it to a sell out. No offense to artists. I love you all, but your ideas are only good in your world and don't always translate to the masses. This is why movies like The Fountain don't work out. Its great artistically and metaphorically, but a good chunk of your paying audience are probably not the sharpest crayons in the box and quite a few of them like lots of explosions.You know, they are the same people that post on youtube defending vomit inducing movies like Battlefield Earth or The Last Airbender.

And the heavens opened and her vagina exploded. Gigity.

This is why Michael Bay keeps selling [although the dum dum explosions crowd is certainly catching onto his wiley games, the last movie did the worst in America out of the 4 shitcons that came before it. And damn it they totally lied about the Dinobots! SCREW YOU MICHAEL BAY!! Screw you to hell!] and this is why romance movies keep selling.

Has anyone dissected these movies? They are horrible. Every cliche you could think of exists and they set up terrible expectations for the poor chumps that take their beautiful goddess out to the theaters. By the end of that cry fest she's looking at you thinking, "Oh my God...why aren't you like Brad DeppButlerbloom? I totally sold my perky boob years for you!" I know not all of them are like that, but they are structured the same way and have the same theme. The guy is an adorable idiot that screws it up, realizes what he did wrong, and is lucky to be forgiven by her. And nerdy girls with glasses totally turn bonetastic when they take the frames off [makes me wonder if the heavens sing when I take my glasses off?].

But I digress. Will I go see the new Hobbit movie? *Sigh* I guess so. It's the completionist in me that gets me in trouble. I'll also see Infinity Wars because it probably deserves a split considering that comic book stories are not short [maybe the only split worth watching, we will have to see]. Like all good reviewers, we got to just suck it up and do it. Even if we know we are going to be washing the taste out of our mouths from all the regret we just had to swallow. But at least the Hobbit will be decent, even if Peter Jackson is totally pissing me off.

As for the other movies? Not so much. Mockingjay Part 1 has done poorly compared to its predecessors and we have no idea if its because the 3rd book kind of blew any way or there was absolutely no reason to split the third book into two parts in the first place. Wake up Hollywood! You don't always need to keep making copious amounts of money by splitting movies up. If you just do it right you will make money regardless. Stop flooding the market and thinning out the meatiness of the story by turning it into a pile of slush and drawn out hum drum.

You know what happens when you flood the market? People just turn away. People stop coming and then you panic because you thought with your little head instead of your bigger one. The fact that they have a second Divergent movie coming out is kind of insulting. Divergent was crushed by the reviewing consensus, yet the gang bang train still wants to squeeze another one out because it still made about 15O mil at the box office. But keep in mind their budget was 85 mil. Did they really make that much money? One would beg to differ.

So as you decide which movies you want to spend on this season, go to the film festivals instead and find an artist that worked his ass off to get placed into that festival. You insult the actors in these poor films less that way because you are still appreciating the art of cinematography. And maybe once, it will be less about the money and more about the magic of story through motion picture.

I'll be awaiting your phone call, Hollywood, to ask me how to clean up your mess.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 - Forced Celebrity Status Upgrade to Crying Rebel Girl on Fire

It has been done. I have seen the first part of the movie based off of the worst book out of the three in the Hunger Games series. Some people may or may not agree with me, but book three was just not as captivating as book one and two and for good reason, it loses the bonding processes for confusing action scenes, political spats and war. It also throws evil gestures of presidential power struggles out of left field and loses the readers reasons to continue reading. But I DID read it and it will be integrated into my review.

Down and Dirty: [Just how you like it]

The Hunger Games came out with the first part of their last movie with all of those lovable events that you so cherished from the books. Such as Katniss hiding, Katiness crying, and Katniss hiding and crying. Its a medley of Katniss and her hysterics and for good or bad, it really makes you wonder why they bothered to split this into two films. The entire movie is filled with bloat and could have easily been scraped for a leaner and more hard hitting three hour movie of the final book. Decent performances from the cast, but terrible editing as far as piecing the story together and kind of terrible direction too.

Katniss is disappointed that her grand prize was homeless kids.

Story: 

So I was never that impressed with the third book. It was probably the least interesting of the series. Even though it had a lot of dynamics to it, it just wasn't as fulfilling because there wasn't a central focus. It was as if Suzanne Collins was like "Oh F*** it, I'm just going to add all kinds of random crap and sell this turd to the masses so I can end this series already." It had all the smut of the typical  third act where everyone was at war and there is only one resolution, a super important death and a heart to heart afterward. It was just too fast of a campaign and as many people know, wars aren't won with a few promos and within a few weeks. They are won over months of struggle, planning, attacking and counter attacking. Especially if you don't have the materials to do so and you are fighting a superior entity.

The movie makes this story just as dreary as the book, however they take creative liberty to move scenes around a bit to make more sense visually. I enjoyed the fact that we started out with Katniss hiding out instead of Katniss at ground zero of District 12 like the book started out. That was an appropriate tie in to what has happened since we last saw her. But with all of that, I didn't feel much emotional flow or great story dynamics. It felt more like a collection of scenes that didn't have much feeling at all between them. And the more you watch it, the more you realize that every character, but Katniss becomes a whole lot of background noise. This was not the fault of the actors as they all did their part, this was the problem with the editing and direction. Can't quite put my finger on it, but it was missing something major.

Emotions:

This entire film had a lot of dramatic fluff and emotionally vacant bull shit. The scenes that were most fulfilling were fleeting at best. It was nice to see Gale and Katniss hunt and be together, but they didn't give us the reconnection and time they had in the original story. It was very disjointed. In fact, its becomes of this that it was harder to connect with the characters and the story itself.

Action:

I'm right behind you. For your sweet ass, I mean your safety.

Plenty of action happened, but unfortunately it had little to do with the war. Understandable since the first half of the book was more about setting up Mockingjay propaganda. The coolest part was obviously my favorite part of the book. Katniss and Gale getting to use those sweet bows/cross bows to take out some military jets. Most of the movie was more political than anything else, setting up the stage for the finale. It really follows the book for the most part so if you loved the book, you will love the movie. If you disliked the book, you would find that the movie has roughly the same lackluster appeal.

Katniss Hysterics:

What worked well for the second film, worked less in this one. Its understandable Katniss is unraveling and losing control of her emotions due to the circumstances. But its confusing when she is not. She bounces too much back and forth for us to appreciate the hysterics more. Jennifer Lawrence does fine breaking down, but it can feel a bit over dramatic and over done. I am not sure how she can go from completely absorbed in her grief to determination in a few short minutes per scene. I understand they have a story to create here, but this is the one instance where her personal thoughts are actually valid enough to give us more context for her transition phases.


FOR PANEM!:

For those of you who are use to my traditional long list of complaints, I know I changed it up a bit for this review. There weren't any noticeable nit picks or small insights that really caught my attention. However here is a more poignant list of issues/commentary:

Gale and Katniss Chemistry:

He's totally thinking about sex, but she just wants to cuddle.

Is downright awful in this film. And it has nothing to do with the actors, but the fact that the editing was considerably poor. In the book, Gale and Katniss were practically attached at the hip. They give us time to bond with them and see them grow back to being close, but in the film they sped up that bonding and made it confusing when they got closer or farther away. Its obvious she had more onscreen chemistry with Peeta which wasn't even in the room than with Gale.

The point of the rebonding with Gale was to make the decision to chose between the two much harder in the end. I just didn't see that going on as much as I liked. They were together, but it was as if he was just a random body guard who is some what friendly than an old friend that had feelings for her. The movie spent less time on personal relationships and more time on action scenes. Which sort of blows because even though the rebellion is going on, personal relationships are considerably important in the book series.

They Need to Fire Katniss's Make Up Artist:

I know they were going for the all natural, war bumpkin look, but I was super surprised at the make up job this time. Katniss seems just a bit too natural even for the movies. I don't know, I didn't care for it.

The Avox:

This man looks like he needs a Pabst Blue Ribbon in his hand.

For two movies fans have been bitching that the Avox subplot cease to exist. Which brings me to the most bizarre moment of the film where they attempted to make up for lost time and a wily Avox appears. What is the point of this now? Its super irrelevant at this stage of the game. They shouldn't have mentioned it at all because late information that does nothing for the plot is usually bad information.

The Whistle:

Which brings me to my second point. Can an Avox whistle? Pollux whistles the three notes that are so famously synonymous with the rebellion to get the mockingjays to repeat it back to him. Yet that seems considerably impossible. He could not produce 3 different notes without a tongue.

Effie Replaces Everyone:

For those who read the book, I'm sure all of you are going to be a bit disappointed that Katniss's prime make up crew was removed from the film version entirely. I mean, we all love Effie and her drizzled commentary about Katniss's foul, rebellious mood swings, but I did miss the crew and what they represented. They all had their own fun personalities. Their pitifulness as a whole with being saved from the capital and wallowing in their non-beauty and lack of access to resources was a highlight in the book's rather monotonous atmosphere for the first half.

Lets Hunt!:

OK so this was so freaken random that it just annoyed me. I remember that the hunting above ground issue was one of Katniss's conditions to becoming the mockingjay and skipped over it entirely in the bargaining scene. This one just came out of no where and lacked context. Did she ever mention she wanted to go hunting before then? No. No she didn't. She was too busy falling apart.

This brother knows he's destined to die.

Boggs is Introduced, but Lacks Depth:

Boggs was a pretty important character in the book that seemed to have more personality and dimension to him. Strangely he feels much more like a background character in the film. Like henchman number 35 that nobody cares about with a few speaking lines.

Dam Destruction:

The destruction of the dam seemed like an unexpected event. So how did District 13 know about the damn being destroyed so quickly? And how in the world did the Capitol get back their power? If the dam was their main source of power, it would take months to get that power back online.

Now lets say they had backup generators. Fine. Plausible. But why didn't they come on instantly when the power went out? Also if all the power was out, how did anyone watch their messages? And what resources had back up power and what didn't? They said their defense grid was offline, so why the need to jam all of their signals? Wouldn't their radars also be down if their defense grid was down? Yes, I really want to know because their reasoning made no sense.

Sign Language:

So the Avox uses sign language to communicate. One would expect there could be some language barriers with this, but nope. Apparently everyone is fluent in sign language in this world. How convenient.

Jennifer Lawrence Has Reached the "Stopped Giving a Shit" Phase:

It could be my imagination, but Jennifer Lawrence really looks like she doesn't want to play this role anymore. She looks tired and just so not into the character that sometimes its painful to watch her on screen. Although I thought it was pretty hilarious as an actress that she was trying to act bad on purpose when they were filming the first promo for the Mockingjay. I don't blame her for not wanting to do this anymore if my assessment was correct. I bet she is pinned as Katniss and nobody talks about the several other roles she has taken the past several years. Silver Lining Playbook being one of her better ones.

The Hanging Tree/If We Burn, You Burn With Us:

Probably by far the nicest part of the movie. Watching the rebellion unfold and people cheering as they kill their captors and free themselves of tyranny. However Jennifer Lawrence can't really sing and she sounds as if she is afraid to in the film. Her voice cracks a bit and it takes a while for her to get some rhythm and soul in there. It eventually sounds suitable, but from what I remember, Katniss is supposed to be quite the singer. Sooo...

The tattoo/rocker chick look totally shines on her.

Natalie Dorman:

So time for something positive eh? Yeah, I've been following Natalie Dorman since the Tudors and man this girl can act. She is often playing the femme fatale roles, but this time she just plays a bad ass PR director with a half shaved head. I was very impressed by her look and I like her unique role, however I do think she is a bit out of place in the film. I wish they bumped her character up more because her personality at times didn't match her look. I think this is bad direction on the director's part because I've seen her in many other roles and she has considerable charm on screen.


So if you are looking forward to watching this film, it could go either way. I can't say it blew me away, but it wasn't as horrible either. It was just a whole lot of "meh." The performances could have been sharper, the editing could have been way better, the effects were nice, but it all seemed so rigid just like President Coin's eating schedule. I say the charm was lost on this film and it feels like a long teasing place holder for the grand finale rather than being its own part of the tale. One wonders if the next one will be any better. They better hope so because they got money to make.

What did you think of the new Hunger Games movie? Was it all that you hoped it would be?

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DnD Rating: 7/1O

Post Credit: Yes there is a post credit thing, but its not worth sticking around for. Its not an extra scene or anything that is critical to the story.

Early Call: Constantine - Don't Call Me "Luv"

So I promised I would start writing more about various TV shows and I decided to finally start on Constantine this weekend after avoiding it for a few weeks. What I found was a little bit of paranormal, a little bit of sass, a lot of crazy demonic possessions and what a great actor Matt Ryan is.

Down and Dirty: [Just How You Like It]

It's maybe too early to tell, but the show has got some potential to it. The pilot episode however really pissed me off quite a bit. It got us invested in a character that they removed from the show due to firing the actress. Whatever happened, they introduced some one a couple of eps later who was a similar prototype to compensate for said stupidity and lost time. The special effects are decent, but not amazing and the show has a thrillers edge to it. Amongst the middle of it all, John Constantine is definitely the most intriguing character in the show. Which thank goodness because it is about him after all.

Johns friends throw him a ghoulish party

Four Episodes In:

Constantine is enigmatic and interesting as the crazy rascal with  knack for danger. Some one who is emotionally scarred by his past and bears the burden of dealing with the supernatural. He is arrogant, off putting, sly and closeted in a sense, but seems to take his work quite seriously. On top of this, an angel named, Manny, haunts him like a wretched memory and seems to give him cryptic messages to his annoyance about what is to come.

The story is mostly written episode by episode with no real tieing conclusion just yet. The hope is that this "Astra" kid will come full circle in the end of season one since they mention her so much in the show as the biggest regret of Constantine's life. But who knows what the producers have in store for us.

All I know is the first few episodes were OK, but the latest episode, "Feast of Friends" has to be the best one yet. You get the feeling of torment in John's soul when he condemns his friend to a painful death.

It makes the character more real and sympathetic seeing his pain in this episode and the stakes he has to deal with on a daily basis. However I continuously get the feeling that John is more than he states he is. A mere mortal perhaps, but he gives me the impression he is the embodiment of some fallen angel. I never read the comics, so I really don't know, but they seem to elude to the fact that he is something greater than we understand.

Gadgets:

The coolest thing about the character are his armory of "relics" for demon fighting. He has quite a few tricks up his sleeve and that is what makes the whole story much more fun to watch. What is he going to pull out this time? What else does he have in that house? My favorite is the playing card that can turn into anything the user needs it to be. Pretty useful trick! Seeing John use these objects continues to perpetuate the whole paranormal theme. And I love me some paranormal!

Left for Dead Candle Holder, free with the special edition!

Girls, Girls, Girls:

So as I stated before, they lost the initial girl that was the whole start of this nonsense. In fact, she is the daughter of the owner of the house they operate in. Which is bizarre because who lets some crazy demon chaser exorcist stay in their family's home? The first girl seemed to be set up to be his partner, but in the end had been erased from the show with the excuse that she took Constantine's advice and ran off. LAME. I hate it when actresses don't work out and they throw them away.

This current girl, Zed, seems like a pretty tough girl, saving Constantine on several occasions from his own bull headed stupidity and underestimation of his enemies. She is an artist that draws her visions out and is now tied up in Constantine's shit. Pretty interesting dilemma to be in, but I still wonder how much further are they going to go with her psychic abilities besides seeing random images that clue them into who is the next target.

A Few Gripes:

1. I Do What I Want:

How the hell does this man just barge into anywhere he feels like it? Crime scenes, people's houses during a funeral, in hospitals, etc. It literally makes no sense.

2.  End Goal:

What is he end goal here? They have a gazillion paranormal shit bubbling to the surface and angel boy expects him to do all the leg work? Where does he even get the finances to do this? That's a lot of traveling to locations to check out said spooky shit.

3. Knick of Time:

John almost dies every episode. What would happen if Zed wasn't there to save him? The power of God saves you? hahahahaha. No, they want you dead Constantine so you can rot for your sins. Even the angel is rooting for you to die.

4. Super Powers:

If he is such a rotten character and his soul will burn if he dies, how is he able to use the power of God against these demons? Seems like he would be a bad representative of the man upstairs, right?

RISE from your grave!

5. One at a Time:

I see the Devil also went to the school of "One at a Time." If you wanted to raise hell on Earth, wouldn't you just release all your demons at once? Wouldn't that be way more productive to overwhelm Constantine and his crew of mighty horror hunters?

6. Angels, What's the Point?:

So Manny is the only angel that will bump fists with him, but why aren't the rest of the heavenly warriors working with Constantine? Where's Michael, Gabriel, or anyone else hanging out in heaven? Wouldn't they be more interested in saving Earth from Devil's fury? Why would they leave it up to this mortal to fight Heaven's war?


So overall this series is set up to be like a paranormal, renegade, mystery series with plenty of religious bits for people to chew on. Constantine is the dirty, renegade paranormal detective, with his assistant Chas [Chaz Bono, not included] and his artist friend, Zed he picks up to pin point the next striking point. While demons run amok on one side while the angel pisses him off like the good cop boss that won't leave him alone, yet does really nothing captivating to help him.

So I think...if Constantine's soul is going to burn in hell and you, heaven, are asking HIM to clean up this mess, shouldn't he get a Godly pass? I mean...you are using him to battle the Devil. Man up, lazy asses. He's doing God's work after all.


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What did you think of Constantine so far? Comment below!


DnD Early Rating: 6/1O

Comic Con Registration: Only Sissies Claim its Too Much Work

So I am back full circle and Comic Con is doing their pre-registration for us awesome 2O14 Comic Con fanatics. I had an great post for you guys about last years con and then I couldn't figure out how to dump the awesome 3OO photos I took on this stupid blog system.  So I decided I will better prepare for next year's con mega post.

This is the Comic Con Waiting Room. Not much to look at, but everyone starts their venture here after they logged onto the landing page. Every year I bitch about the system. Its either broke, stupid, slow or annoying. Comic con finally came up with this system last year of a 2 hour slow roll of future attendees before the initial start time which made things less stressful for not only them, but everyone else. The whole 1 million people jumping onto the page as fast as they can at 8 AM thing was just crashing the system, kicking people out and letting only a few get through.

However the wait is sometimes long and painful and you are never guaranteed a badge, just a better chance than most people due to the smaller pool you are working with due to being a last year comic con attendee.

If you ever desire a full badge, its best to at least get a badge for this year even if its one day, go pick up your badge and then keep it for next year's registration so you can participate in pre-registration. That way you have 2 chances to participate. You can also volunteer your time and get a free badge for whatever days you volunteer or if you are involved in the press and write regular articles/blog/podcast etc...you can check out the criteria and ask for a badge from there.

Either way, those that claim its too much work are just not that into it as everyone else is. Yet they are the same people who complain that they never get to go. This is how easy it is to go:

1. Register for an ID on the comic con website. If you are military/a senior/a student you could totally get a cheaper badge.

2. Wait for coveted email that says "HEY WE ARE SELLING BADGES!"

3. READ the registration instructions, they are there for a reason. So you don't screw it up for yourself.

4. Go to page on said date and time and take your screen saver off. Then PARK YOUR ASS IN FRONT OF THAT COMPUTER.

5. Pray...lots of prayer.

6. After much waiting, you could claim VICTORY! Or you could get this screen....Mother !%F#T

So yes as I said before, being here doesn't always guaranteed you a badge and sometimes you get disheartening moments like this. This is the first time I've never even gotten in to get at least one out of the two days I wanted.

Fri/Saturday are the hardest days to get besides Preview night. So I get to try other routes and I will be on for the open gauntlet sometime early next year.

Until then, stay nerdy my friends!

The Originals: Plenty of Snark and Exposition for Teens Everywhere

The Originals, a spin off of the Vampire Diaries is about the original vampire family that came to New Orleans many years ago to create a home for themselves. Something bad happens, they are chased off and now they have returned over some creepy vampire, werewolf love baby.

Down and Dirty [Just How You Like It]:

*Sigh*. This has to be the most confusing experience of a show I had ever seen. The characters spout so much exposition that it pisses me off. Narration is rampant at times and everyone is snarky and has "fun" quips between each other that are so cheesy I just want to puke. The acting is also piss poor and amateurish. However the scenes are cut well enough into bite size cliff hangers that show a some what interesting plot line in the mess of relatively stupid characters and shitty one liners. You can tell this show was made for teens and not adults. I'm imagining the writing team is filled with club moonlighting, college females and geek lore, hipster men. Although this show is just awful for a good 3/4 of the first season, it does end on a rather decent note. Apparently the writers found a sense of pacing toward the end and not just continue with the mantra of "dumb characters do dumb shit."

Acting:

This looks like a terrible incarnation of Vampire the Masquerade. The acting is unbelievably lame and indescribably poor. Its like they picked some young actors and taught them how to act better over the course of the show. Everyone's snarky! Everyone trades the best quips possible! Look at how dastardly that Klaus guy is, but he has a heart! Yeah screw you and the entire cast. The acting just isn't believable and I feel everything is forced. Nobody is convincing anybody that they even believe what they are saying. Only one guy stands out as believable and that is Marcel. Yes, the black vampire has a very natural presence in the show. Everyone else is just over dramatic and annoying.

Story:

hahahahaha. What a joke. Family is what caused this drama.

The story isn't half bad, but its just continuous stupid drama that prevents me from getting too into it. Somebody is always being a manipulative jerk to some one else. All of these characters are not necessarily evil but just trying to save themselves. Except Niklaus, the most colossal shithead of the century. He is not a nice guy no matter how many times he has done good things. The show is just showing you that even if some one is a murderer, a criminal or what not, he has a good heart! NO! Don't listen to that nonsense ladies. If a man is bad, he's a bad man. Quit this myth of "deep down inside he just wants to be loved and I can be the woman to show him" BS. Maybe some rare men DO want to be loved and change over time, but most of these crazy assholes don't. Niklaus is a crazy asshole and not the fun kind.

He is the perfect definition of a narcissistic psychopath and yet the vampire family won't just dagger this guy and leave him in a box for the next million years. If I were his siblings, that is exactly what I would do since he seems to be the root of all of their unhappiness because he's a completely selfish, angry twit. Everyone is afraid to cross him or even love anyone, but him. He's probably the worst attention whore middle child to ever be known and yet his family hasn't turned their back on him.

At this point, screw that guy. Just dagger his ass and bury him into the deepest part of the ocean and leave him there, or better yet, send him into space and let his body be stuck out there forever. Even if he got undaggered by some friendly, space fairing aliens, there will be no way for him to figure out how to get back to Earth to exact cosmic size pissed off vengeance. Seriously everyone's happiness revolves around this guy, just destroy him already. Why do people have to tell him they are going to destroy him before they destroy him. Don't give the guy a warning, just hit him when its unexpected. I was super glad at the end they tortured him by trying to take the baby away, but this guy has very little consequences laid upon him.

The most frustrating part of this series is it takes literally 2O episodes to get into this series. I guess it took 2O episodes for the writers to finally understand how to put a story together.  You can't have looming imminent threat every second of the day without some calm waters and triumphs. There was some actual making up and redemption toward the end of the season that was more interesting than all the hell that I watched so far. But it seemed so forced that I'm not sure how many seasons they can really keep this up before it becomes repetitive and stupid. I rather see the vampires and werewolves learn how to become a family rather than have family continue to try to kill them.

Effects:

There is plenty of vampire devilry but very little werewolf chomping. What is the point of having werewolves in this show if we never get to see any of them in action? We only see their aftermath effects. What about wolf girl? Is she ever going to change? Probably not now that she ended up a hybrid. All of the effects are cheap and boring, so I am assuming this show only belongs to cable television. We don't get to see much transformation, or anything hybrid related except yellow eyes. Also they keep running around in the same areas. This show really didn't get much of a budget did it? I rather it had less episodes and better production value [and maybe some one who can actually write something above teen fan fiction grade] than have this kind of crap value stuff for a supernatural show.

24 episodes and this is the best they can do for the hybrid look?

The Hybrid Theory:

So geeks galore seem to just be enraptured by the hybrid theory. One part terrifying werewolf and one part sexy vampire. It seems pretty popular in culture the past ten years and I have to say it is the most intriguing part of this terrible plot line. However the rules for the hybrid seem vague and what happens when a vampire turns into a werewolf? Can he fly? I mean that would be bad ass if he could fly...but they haven't even bothered to show us a werewolf transformation at all, much less a hybrid transformation. If the Hybrid transformation is just glowing eyes, than I'm severely disappointed in that.

Also what is up with Hybrids having a komodo dragon bite but wolverine super blood? Seriously? Is that the answer to everyone's problem? He just bites himself and everyone is healed by his super blood? It seems like Klaus can pretty much play God if he wanted to with anyone's life. And he has, for a thousand years, just did whatever he wanted and controlled everyone while he was at it. You would figure after a thousand years Klaus would get bored of being hurt and wounded.



Vampires, Witches and Werewolves, Oh My!:

1. Klaus - The Mega Douche of the Century:

Half of the plots stupidity would be gone if some one found Klaus's daggers, stuck them into him and put him in a box for a few hundred years. Niklaus is the reason women still think bad guys can change. Oh I'm such a tragic character! Hundreds of years of anger from what happened to me years ago and now I'm a bad boy scum bag with an agenda, but deep underneath I have a good heart and want some one to love me! Shut up Klaus. Being a nice guy once doesn't erase 1,OOO years of douchery with your family.

Davina is way cooler and pissy than Sabrina

2. If Wolf Girl and Teeny Witch Can Kick Ass, Why Need Vampire Protection?:

So far in this series, both teen witch and pregnant wolf girl can kick some tail with no problem. So why are they under the protection of vampires? Seems like a waste of time for the both of them.

3. A Baby is That Important?:

I know Elijah believes the baby can change Klaus, but seriously this is a lot of work to keep a baby alive. This goes back to the whole holy, "Every sperm is sacred" motto. I think the baby isn't even worth protecting at this point for how much BS its giving everyone, including the woman baring it. The entire world seems to want to kill it or sacrifice it. This baby is like the omega of babies and the witches want it dead before baby kills them.

4. This Whole Story is Based on a Misunderstanding:

Only a quarter through season 1 while I'm working on this review and I already can see this whole feud between the Originals and Marcel's chain gang of vampire hipsters is based off of a misunderstanding. The Originals mentioned they ran from New Orleans and thought Marcel was dead. Everyone mourned him and then find out hes alive and took stuff for himself. So now they are pissed at him. While Marcel probably thought the Originals ran off and abandoned him. Then he probably thought, well hell, since they are never coming back, I'm just going to bring this place back to life. Now they come back and want to take back what I revived? Hell no. See...misunderstanding. They need that shrink, Cami, more than they know.

5. Exposition...Exposition..Exposition...."Real Talk":

Half of everyone's lines is exposition. "Oh that Klaus...hes been a rotten brother of mine for forever! I save him all the time." Yeah thanks for telling us instead of just showing us. Everyone basically vomits information whether they realize it or not. People sure love to monologue in this show...they profess a lot of information that you would THINK would be more important to keep as a secret. Its super weird.

6. Flash Backs

While we are at it, there are like a gazillion flash backs. Do we need to know all of this? Yes, your brother is a total cock block to every man you ever went out with. We could easily have seen this through his current actions and your super proclamation. "Dude, you always do this!" Unless that specific young chap we got to see murdered was very important to the plot and to vampire girl, I could care less about his death. Nor do I feel sorry for her either. Why would she need permission from the family to turn him into a vampire any way? She could have just did it on her own and said to hell with everyone! He's mine!

The late season bloomer of decent characters

7. Wolf Girl Can Also Be Dubbed "Bad Decision Girl":

In the beginning she chuckles about her stupid decision to sleep with Klaus as if it was a charming personality trait. "Classic me" she quips. Um. So you have made these kind of bad decisions before? How many babies did you almost have in the past? And after maybe..one...two..five scares..wouldn't you have learned to buy an effin condom by now? I mean how hard is it to bring condoms to a one night stand? This is just irresponsible. Especially since YOU know you are a werewolf. Do you have any responsibility in not spawning more werewolves at all? She just managed to accidentally hit the jack pot [or nightmare] by getting pregnant with Klaus, the bad boy douche vampire hybrid with a heart of gold that hates everyone.

8. Do these Vampires work?

At least Marcel has some kind of financial income, but what the hell do these vampires do? The good vampires really haven't fed much this entire story and they aren't holding any day jobs at burger king so what gives? We just find an abandoned mansion and "Here wolf girl, you can run the house while we go out and have a war between witches and vampires. Don't worry...nobody will harm you here, or evict you for being a squatter or just are darn curious why you live alone in a giant house with internet connection." So when did Comcast get its evil clutches onto the mega mansion they found?

9. Klaus is Attracted to Damaged Goods:

So far we have witnessed Klaus taking affection to damaged goods. People who have lost their parents or had been abandoned by them. You would think after several hundred years, Klaus would have found God or at least some sort of internal peace by now. Instead he keeps making the same stupid mistakes while simultaneously being one step ahead of the game at all times. Can some one be this stupid and brilliant at the same time? Half of the show's drama revolves around Klaus's stupid decisions and him coming up from behind cleaning it up while his siblings are pissed off at him. Should we dub Klaus "Stupid Decision Boy" and call it a day?

1O. Convenient Phone Call is Convenient:

I hate it when every time people ask an important question the phone rings. Then instead of going "Hey while Klaus is talking to his bro, why don't you answer the question." Nope. It never gets answered because people in TV shows never finish their sentences after the fact. Squirrel much?

11. Nothing is Sacred:

Every time people make vampire plans its always in public and in broad daylight...in front of EVERYBODY passing by. Seriously? Why are they so public about every thing that is happening? And why isn't the French Quarter empty by now knowing there is a possible vampire battle going on? As open as these cats are about this, I would have moved out ages ago. "Yeah no thanks...I'll skip the witchy/vampire fury and settle down in Connecticut.

Girl power quickly became "You bitch!" toward the end

12. A Thousand Collective Sighs Came Out at Once:

Everytime the girls get bitchy and they get together because "Girl Power!" I am pretty sure a thousand sighs came right out of anyone who is over 25 years old. Every girl on this show has sass, pizzazz or is catty to the extreme. And the only girl in the cast that should have some class, acts just as callous, bitchy and modern as the rest of them.

13. Over Dramatic Music is Dramatic:

Every time we make a discovery the music pitches up really high and racy like "OMG girlfriend! We needs to know what happens next!" Yeah...whatever. I wonder how exciting this show would be without the hyped up cliff hanger music.

14. Beauty Queen:

Even in the worst of situations: dog fights, running from witches or vampires and all of that nonsense, this cast has some great hair. Especially Hayley [who spells a name like that?]. She is just fabulous as a prisoner of a vampire, witch, werewolf war. Can I get her stylist's number?

15. Each Episode is Packed To Run In Circles:

Every episode is super epic packed with HOLY SHIT revelations that are going to blow a teen's mind apart. Which really annoys the crap out of me. They run each episode so fast and pack it with so much shit that it really loses its edge fast. There are no slow builds, breaks or even happy times. We are continually being smacked in the head with drama, drama, drama. Because apparently teenagers have the attention span of a goldfish.

All the excitement has died out because there are barely small breaks between all of the conspiracies and accusations. Its like the writers are writing the vampires and werewolves in circles and continuing to use the same situations, scenes and anger fits for almost EVERY EPISODE. There is barely any gratification because its always one step forward and four steps back into the same muck as before. Nobody is ever happy, Niklaus is always pissed off at some one, Rebekah is always bitchy, wolf girl is always sassy, Elijah is always noble. These are super static characters doing the same shit, different episode and revomiting the same plot in a different context.

I swear this show is going to kill me before I finish this review.

16. Gay Bro is so Not Gay:

I'm only on episode 9 the time I am writing this point, but Josh is SO not gay. I know they are trying really hard for the gay community to fall for the cute gay friend of Davina the teenage super witch, but I swear that boy is not gay. He totally said that to get closer to Davina because shes a smoking hot repressed chick that needs a friend. The way he looks at her just seems like he is into her. Doing her favors, finding her violin, totally telling her he can keep a secret. Hes not gay. Could be wrong on this one, but I haven't seen this boy suck face with one guy in this entire show so far. Or even hit on another man. I don't know about you but if some one claims their are gay, it kind of helps the credibility to see them having the hots for some one of their same gender. So far I have seen NO sign of that. He's totally not gay. I'm callin it.

Klaus knows you are all a bunch of sissies. Give up now.

17. One at a Time:

I see the vampires have been trained at the premiere fighting school of "One at a Time." COME ON! You outnumber this douchebag 3OO to 1. Just grab him already and stab him with the dagger.

Instead you just chain him up and beat him with sticks, igniting his unstoppable rage and everyone dies at once. You guys are pathetic. This could have been over already, but now I got 14 more episodes left due to everyone's stupidity. Dagger him, everyone lives happily ever after, the end. *sigh*



18. The Entire Cast Could Use a Good ****!

I'm sorry, did I offend you? Everyone in this cast hasn't had a good romp in the sack except Marcel and Rebekah and look where it got them? Everyone's angry..ARRRGGGG!!

19. The Wolves Aren't Angry

They have all of these growly noises in the background for the wolves and they all look dopey, happy puppies. Doesn't anyone know how to train a wolf properly these days?

2O. Nobody Dies on this Show

The threat of death is real...until some one heroically saves them last minute. I guess always keeping tabs on your siblings has its perks. Or they bring you back to life or you are some tormented soul coming back to haunt them. Seriously people seem to rotate around here and can't stay down. Hell even people who had been dead for hundreds of years come back to life.

21. Everyone's Evil

So everyone is just rotten. Are we supposed to like them now? Everyone is horrible to everyone and everyone has a story of why they are horrible to everyone. We are watching a show about horrible people. Great.

22. Cutting Hands

Everyone is using the same knife to cut their hands with. This seems totally wrong and I don't understand why they make cutting their hands like its no big deal. I'm sure that hurts like hell plus that's totally unsanitary.

23. Gang Wars

If only humans weren't so weak...

This whole show is pretty much one giant gang war. You change the wolves, vampires, and witches to Crips, Bloods and MS-13 and you will have yourself a totally different show, but with the same stupid drama. The humans aren't even on the radar when it comes to a faction because they are just not strong enough to stand up to any of the three. So lets call the humans, innocent bystanders in the long supernatural gang war for turf and street cred.

24. Candles

Who the hell had the time to light 2OO candles in a room? Its the 21st century. Get a freaken lamp.

25. Bad Decision Girl Becomes Only Sane Person Chick

After watching the buffoonery of the entire vampire cast run amok, its nice to know that werewolf pregnant girl actually ends up being the best character on the show. While everyone is still stupidly bent on revenge for whatever time they had been wronged.

26. Their Parent's are the Original Douche's

So now I understand why Klaus is such a crabby sour patch. His father was a psychopath that loved hunting down his own children while his mother was a crazy witch that turned her children into vampires and then decides it would be fun to kill them too. What the hell is wrong with this family? They don't need one therapists, they need an army of them.

27. The Relationship That Can Never Be

2O something episodes of teasing and finally Hayley [bad decision girl] and Elijah [responsible vampire brother] finally get together. Sort of. Because...Elijah is being his weird noble self as Hayley is literally throwing herself at him. I mean she became awesome after she was close to term and after she had her baby. Now shes just killer mother wolf chick on a rampage. That's super bad ass. Man Elijah needs to get in on that before she reverts back to bad decision girl after her hormones stop goading her into murdering.

Do you need a banjo to go with your plaid shirt brother?

28. Werewolves are Trailer Trash

I'm very disappointed in how werewolves are presented in this. Now I assume at one point they were cool and hip and were just ran out of their home. But they are presenting them like some kind of backwater, inbred hillbillies that like campin and huntin. Werewolves never seem to be presented in any other way but ridiculous in a lot of stories. I'm totally offended. That's racist.

29. The Witches are Crazy

But who can blame them? They are as close to human as you can get and they have monsters taking over their land. Why wouldn't they be a little insane? But what really pisses me off is how witches continue to be perpetuated as sacrificial monsters. Real witches don't have a desire to harm anyone. Its in their code that they will not be sacrificing living things or do harm to others. Its totally cool to fictionalize it on TV, but its still in the christian slant of what witches were to them back in the good ol days of hanging and witch hunting. We all know better now...I hope.


So this show was pretty brutal to watch through. Painfully drawn out in the consistent impending doom section, everyone wants to kill everyone, and Klaus is continuously a mega douche. He softens up a bit by the end, probably because he can't deny that his douchery is the cause of all of his problems. One only wishes that the show would slow down more often for people to really savor the victories instead of constantly being on edge. Timing and rhythm in story is just as crucial as the highs and mayhem. If only they made a story about wolf girl and killed off the rest, maybe I would be interested in watching it more for a change.

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What did you think of "The Originals"? What was your favorite or least favorite part of the show?

DnD Rating: 5/1O

Season 2 is out on Hulu right now....watch all 22 episodes of season 1 or you could just watch something way more interesting.