Guardians of the Galaxy - Featuring your Parent's "Get it On" Music, KOTR, Shameless Humor and Pop Culture References

The hottest movie of the year finally made its debut this weekend and has already surged to the top. So much hype has been pushed around Marvel's new and relatively unknown franchise, that people started to worry that this would be horribly stupid. In fact, it was quite the opposite. The movie totally gives what it sells and a lot more. A great mix of fun, mockery, dirty jokes and beat em up fun, for everyone who is a comic book / space junkie, this is an adventure that really gives the audience everything it needs to enjoy a movie.

Down and Dirty -

Xandarians know what obscene alien gestures look like

A great giant mockery and plethora of contrasts meshed with key elements of a hero's journey, transforming a rag tag, divided group of criminals into the Guardians of the Galaxy. This whole movie literally makes fun of itself and what we expect out of a comic book movie. Its happy, then sad, then happy, then slightly serious, then back to happy. The music often times doesn't fit the mood of the scene and neither does half the scenes in the movie. Even the characters are pretty awkwardly put together. Its almost a joke in itself at how ridiculous the contrasts are and that is what makes the movie work. Its quirky, adventurous, lighthearted, and full of punches. Disney took a grave chance on such a unique story and has won the battle.

The Soundtrack - 

Is literally the most noticible thing in the movie and sometimes it is quite strange. I felt like the whole movie was built around the soundtrack and not the other way around. Although the track picks are quite good, it can confuse the mood of a scene at times. I do think the choices were intentional however to keep the mood light, even in large states of conflict. Even Chris Pratt's rendition of "Ooh Child" when he sings to Ronan the Accuser was thoroughly hilarious. The last thing you want to do when some one is about to wipe out your existence is to sing and dance in front of him. I guess the power of dance does work.

Story - 

Take a picture, it will last longer.

The story was pretty good and easy to follow. The only part that might have been shaky was Gamora's betrayal of Ronan and Thanos. That was pretty big news to me considering she probably had done quite a few bad things for a while. So why now? Unlike the Avengers, I felt the developing bond between the criminals was much better than the automatic copy/paste job they did with making the Avengers work all of a sudden. They had enough time in the story to help each other out and side with common goals to make the final friendship that much sweeter. As Drax said:

"You, Quill, are my friend."

"This dumb tree is my friend. And this green whore is now my..."

*Gamora berates him*

Science -

Nope. I can make believe a lot of things for the sake of fantasy and enjoying movies...but nope. Just nope. Don't bother thinking about science, it will make your brain hurt. But I guess we never watch these things for the science. I was just thrown out of the story a few times when I realized that there was little regard for how they treated space in general.

CGI - 

Drax is totally joy riding in the back.

Very awesome, they pulled off Rocket, Groot, Thanos and all the animated characters and sci-fi forces that made this whole film spectacular. Their color blends, tones, realism and movements were spot on and amazing. I was very pleased with how well developed all of the graphics were, including the contrasting colorization which made the film sublime, but not so unrealistic that it threw you out of the world. In fact, I really felt like I was watching a comic book and could imagine myself turning the page.



Characters -

Amazing. Everyone popped with their own personalities and it meshed well, perhaps better than even the Avengers irregardless of their differences. 

Peter Quill - The immature, smart ass and leader of the group. He seems to be a slick thief and the a hell of a fighter when he is in a jam. Even though he plays off as a player, it seems he does have a soft spot for women. Peter is literally stuck in the 8Os and has never gotten out of it due to being abducted from earth during that time period. He makes obscure references to the 8Os even though nobody understands what he is talking about. Peter also calls himself "Star Lord" and prides himself as the most wanted outlaw in space [even though nobody knows who he is].


Gamora - The assassin with a heart? It seems she has the most belief in Peter than anyone else. Gamora is the "daughter" of Thanos. The last of her race, her family was murdered and she was abducted to be experimented on and turned into a dangerous weapon. Gamora's character is well developed because she is not a damsel and distress type character, nor a highly feminist "hear me roar, I don't need no man" female. The kiss tease was one of the highlights of the film, because it went there...but then didn't. I appreciated Gunn's avoidance of her being the token love interest and went down an entirely different route all together.

Rocket the Raccoon - By far, the best out of the bunch. Rocket is a treat for everyone to behold. He is a raccoon with a gun, how much better can you get than that? His personality, antics and temper is what keeps things interesting. Rocket fidgets with things and creates weapons as he goes along, which would seem appropriate for a intelligent creature such as a raccoon. Rocket is sarcastic, ill tempered and defensive, but has a deep affection for his friend, Groot. Rocket is a little brainiac hellion in a furball body and you will love every minute of his dialogue and antics.


Groot - The walking tree with a gentle heart, selfless and childlike. Until you threaten his friends. Then he will stomp you into the ground. Groot is a wonderful bag of tricks that can only say "I am Groot" to every response. Rocket is his best bud and translator. He seems to protect Rocket with a passion, understands him, and puts up with him. Groot is the muscle while Rocket is the brains. If you think about it, they have a great Lenny and George dynamic to them.

Drax the Destroyer - A fierce warrior that has been on a rampage since his wife and child died at the hands of Ronan. He has no ability to understand humor, expressions or sayings. Even though he is the type of guy you don't want to mess with, there are times he seems innocent. Drax is a strong, loyal, and interesting character that seems a little thick headed at times. He is also fearless, running into battles regardless of his chances of survival.







FUN Facts:

You know you want a telepathic Russian dog to do your taxes

COSMOS: The movie delivered when they brought in Cosmos, the telepathic Russian dog. Unfortunately, they had him as part of the collection and we never got to know Cosmos properly. Maybe next time? In the comics he is supposed to be the Chief of Security of Knowhere and he seems pretty bad ass with his broken English. And if you want to know...the original Russian space dog was named Laika, one of the first living creatures to go into space.





Infinity Gems Watch: All of the marvel movies so far are leading up to the infinity gems and Thanos's take over. So far we have seen 4 gems appear in the movies:

1. The Tesseract - That cube thing that caused a ruckus in Avengers 1? Yeah, that is one of the infinity gems. Its power is space. So as far as we know its safe in Asgard.

2. The Aether - That red airy thing that got stuck in needy Jane in Thor 2 is the second infinity gem. Its power is reality. From what we know, this gem is safe with the Collector [or maybe not anymore].

3. The Orb - The gem in the orb in Guardians of the Galaxy is the third infinity gem in the series. Its power is..well...power. Demonstrated by its infinite destructive capabilities. Its now safe in the hands of the Nova Corp according to the end of the Guardians movie.

4. Loki's Staff - This one is not confirmed yet but its wildly debated that its another infinity gem. Its power is mind [as was demonstrated when Loki took over people's minds in Avengers 1]. From what we know, HYDRA has the staff according to the ending credit scene from Captain America: Winter Soldier. So I expect it to play a bigger part in the Avenger's movie.

If Loki's staff is an infinity stone, there are 2 more gems we haven't seen yet [time and soul] and I will bet anything that we will see another one in the Avengers: Age of Ultron that is coming out next year. Here are some great references if you want to know more:

Marvel Universe - Infinity Gems

Infinity Gems History Explained



Things Ronan Would Spend Time on the Toilet Thinking About:

Super Deaths - 

Every hero has to have a dead or missing somebody, don't they? I don't know a lot of comic hero movies that don't have some weird, tragic back story. So I guess my point is, if your parent is missing/dead/been abducted by aliens/left you when you were 2; you could very well be a super hero. For those of you with normal parents that are still together. Yeah...you. You are super villain fodder when Zod/Thanos/Ultron/Dark Elves/Giant Super Evil invades Earth.

That Walkman -

Is the most indestructible thing since the Hulk's pants. Seriously. What the hell is that thing made of? And how does Peter get batteries to keep it going? Whatever the case is, the people at Apple and Droid need to take a lesson from Walkman so klutzes like me can keep using them for the next 26 years.

While we are at it, that Table is Pretty Impressive Too - 

The Collector's slave girl gets all "Let My People Free!" on everyone and blows up half the building when she touches the infinity stone. That table just resisted everything, damn. Im surprised the Collector didn't die. Whatever that table is made of, I want it to EMP proof my home.

This was a "Hold My Beer" moment for Drax

Drunk Aliens Do Drunk Things - 

Apparently it doesn't matter what race or how big you are, if you are not a drinker, you are bound to do stupid things. I am pretty sure Peter knew what being drunk was, so I can't imagine how he thought letting a gun loving raccoon, a giant tree, and a revenge lusting psychopath have a few....several drinks and thought this was going to turn out all right. The fact that they decided to get drunk right before they met the collector was hilarious considering they were about to meet a super important dude.

Knights of the Old Republic -

Did anyone feel like Xandar had a strong Knights of the Old Republic feel to it? I couldn't help but see Star Wars in that scene and running around with my character in the game. It could be the style and white stone contrast that reminded me of the series, but it was so strange to watch. I was half way expecting C-3PO to come out.

This Movie Had a Case of Emotional ADD - 

The very first scene we get is SUPER DEPRESSING and then all of a sudden out comes the tunes of "Come and Get Your Love" and the movie now wants you to feel up beat and laugh. This type of scene contrasts happens quite frequently and its a little jarring until you get use to it. I think the beginning scene was the most jarring because opening moments do set the tone of the film. The beginning scene was so unnecessary to me it wouldn't have mattered if it existed at all due to it being mentioned a few points in the film for the characters to connect.

Crash! Bang! Boom! - 

At some point, Rocket crashes his ship through the window of Ronan's ship saving quite a few people in the process, but there would have been no way Drax survived the hit he took from Rocket's ship.

LICK MY LOLLIPOP! NOW!

Ronan the Accuser Sounds Awfully Similar in his Opening Monologue to the Mandarin - 

Did anyone catch that vibe? I felt like he was practically saying the same words...almost had the same tone and then finally broke away a bit. And what was the point of murdering some dude with a hammer? I guess its part of being accuser...you get to kill the accused with hammers.

Nobody Notices a Giant Spaceship in Front of the Hospital - 

Aliens come down to Earth to pick up...one puny kid? You know how many fat terrans they can find if they just went down the street? I mean why terran flesh? Don't they realize we are all made of Hardees, KFC, Mcdonalds and Panda Express and that Americans have no nutritional value?

Holding your Breath in Space - 

This is the big nerd in me, but Gunn treated space like water and that is a big no no. So Peter gives Gamora his mask to breathe so she can live and he starts dying himself. Then when they get beamed on the ship, they are suddenly OK? I saw the both of you start to deteriorate, you can't lie to me! I know her DNA is different, and lets state for a second, Peter's is different enough that he can survive long enough in the most outrageous temperatures and conditions in space, but looking this up took 2 seconds on the internet, so shame on you Gunn for letting this BS fly:

       This is Why We Can't Live in Space Without a Giant Suit:

• You would lose consciousness because there is no oxygen. This could occur in as little as 15 seconds.
• Because there is no air pressure to keep your blood and body fluids in a liquid state, the fluids would "boil." Because the "boiling process" would cause them to lose heat energy rapidly, the fluids would freeze before they were evaporated totally. This process could take from 30 seconds to 1 minute.
• Your tissues (skin, heart, other internal organs) would expand because of the boiling fluids. However, they would not "explode".
• You would face extreme changes in temperature: sunlight - 248 degrees Fahrenheit or 120 degrees Celsius;shade - minus 148 degrees Fahrenheit or minus 100 degrees Celsius
• You would be exposed to various types of radiation (cosmic rays) or charged particles emitted from the sun (solar wind).
• You could be hit by small particles of dust or rock that move at high speeds (micrometeoroids) or orbiting debris from satellites or spacecraft.

You would die quickly because of the first three things listed, probably in less than one minute. The End. Thanks Google. You Da Real MVP.

And to think, I didn't imagine hillbillies would make it to space

Yondu Udonta is a Space Merle Dixon - 

As soon I saw this guy Im like OMG, Merle, your skin turned blue! I guess you couldn't have a James Gunn movie without Michael Rooker, he was also in his movie, Slither. Apparently Gunn only had Rooker in mind when he casted Yondu. Lucky man! There is life after death in the Walking Dead, and its being the alien leader of the Ravagers!

Face Destruction - 

For as much crap that these guys get put through, everyone makes this out alive and relatively unharmed from extreme internal organ damage, I swear Peter may have cancer of the everything now that he has lived through space and touching an infinity stone. In fact, I think everyone, but Groot might just die before the next Guardian of the Galaxy movie from the infinity stone battle.

Villains Really Need to Cut the Monologue - 

I swear, Ronan, this is like Villain Lesson #1, if you have the good guy in a position of mercy, don't talk for a half hour about how you have won. Just kill them, darn it! Ronan is so atypical of a villain to gloat. I would just  have "gotten on with" the doom and destruction bit since you know, I wasn't really there for my glory, just your deaths. But he had to let them know he won before he killed them. I guess every villain is secretly a pompous rejected rock star inside.

Thanks for Saving Us? - 

I don't know about you but I didn't see a lot of places that was not destroyed by the fight. Not sure what there was to thank about since a lot of people died, buildings crumbled and a giant spaceship crashed in the middle of the city. Also....there were a lot of people hanging around the area Ronan was at. I would be way in the back...trying to plot my escape from the planet as this craziness was going on, not running toward it to watch Ronan burn me out of existence.

Music Life Sentence - 

Did Peter really listen to this soundtrack for 26 years? Shouldn't the tape have shredded by now at some point? And man..he should have opened that package he got from his mom sooner. He could have gotten some new beats at least at some point in his life or just downloaded the entire database of music from Earth every now and then. He had to have wanted to return at some point out of curiosity. Right? Right?

She's definitely jealous of her Beyonce Hair

Sister Bitch Fight - 

At one point the sisters, Gamora and Nebula have their big show down [as we expected], but Gamora is not actually Thanos's daughter, so is Nebula also not his daughter? And why does Thanos just take random women and make them his "daughters"? Is he impotent? I think he is impotent. There you go folks, too much power and a desire to conquer the universe = impotent.




Ronan the Accuser is Thranduil -

Dude, I totally didn't recognize Lee Pace. GREAT JOB on the make up! You even covered up his eyebrows.

Emporer Palpatine, is that You? -

I swear at some point it looked like Emperor Palpatine was talking on screen. I was totally like, dude, stop rubbing it in our face that you purchased Star Wars, Disney. We get it...you are very large and very evil.

They just Played Space Invaders for their Final Battle Scene... - 

When Ronan's flyers were kamakaze bombing into Xandar, the Ravagers posted into the city and pointed upwards shooting them as they came down. They were basically playing space invaders...

Peter's Dad is Special? -

I'm sure comic fans knew this and I know I can just look this up, but I want to be surprised who Peter's dad really is. Is he an Elder? Some type of Celestial being? It was good that they explained that Peter's ability to hold onto the infinity stone had a lot to do with that because I was about to call bull shit seeing how powerful that stone already was.

All of these Characters are Equally Matched? -

This is why we can't have nice things...

Its weird, but all of the characters are equally matched in capability. Granted the better fighters are Drax and Gamora, while Groot is all powerful and heavily convinient to the plot. Peter was still able to get the best of Gamora in their fights, outsmarts Drax in his talks, and seems to be able to control the insane duo Rocket + Groot before they kill him. I figured Peter would be the least capable of the group in fighting ability, but I guess not.

Convenient Arrow is Convenient - 

Why didn't we have that thing on board? Or even on the ground? That whistle arrow killed 2O people and a ship in five seconds. We could have used that on Xandar or against Ronan or really anybody at all. Take your pick, Yondu.

The Entire Force of Xandar Died In One Scene - 

Seriously...I don't know why everyone's so freaken happy. The entire flying patrol force of Xandar just got murdered in this battle. Now Xandar is completely defenseless and has to rebuild. Nobody even acknowledges this. I'm surprised any of these people were left to say thanks to Peter and his crew. There should have been memorials everywhere. That main officer should have been sulking his friends died and that he was the lone survivor because he wasn't up there with them. People forgot a good thousand ships or more died to give the Guardians enough time to defeat Ronan before the ship crashed landed.

Orange Water- 

I really want to know the cleansing properties of that agent orange water they hosed them down with in that jail.

Definitely puppy stealing eyes going on in this photo

Glenn Close Looks Like She Wants To Steal Your Puppy - 

She got that "Cruella de Ville" hair do going on. I thought I was going to have to hug every puppy the next day at the shelter to make sure she wasn't coming to make coats out of them.

What is She Typing? - 

The chick that was typing next to Glenn Close while she was ordering everyone around to protect Xandar. She was furiously typing on one finger and I kept thinking, there is no way she is keeping up with all of the orders on one finger. She must be typing to her boyfriend about how much her job "suxx lol. #livingthedream #XandarAttack #ImTotallyAnExtraInThisMovie"

This Jail Sucks - 

It took the Guardians five seconds to get out of that jail in the most noisy, damaging way possible. Why didnt they seperate these knuckle heads? They knew Gamora was wanted for all kinds of deaths, they knew the raccoon and house plant had broken out more than once before.

Don't know why they didn't separate them and why the sentry tour is literally in the middle of the jail. That's a total bust if they have to run out to save themselves because the Guardians managed to block the guard's only escape route. This jail is designed really poorly.

This...does not look safe at all.

Rocket Boots - 

Star Lord has way better control of his boots compared to when Tony Stark made his. Tony neededstabilizers on his hands to better control the direction of his flight, but Peter doesn't. I do think Peter wins this one.

So...the Collection - 

Now that the collection has escaped...what kind of consequences does that cause the universe?

Whoever Hid the Infinity Stones Needs to be Fired - 

These stones don't seem very well hidden in this universe. If you happen to stumble onto one that's just hanging out in a ruin some where, it seems pretty darn easy to grab. Even if you had no idea how to open it, the beings who do know how to open it will find you. So really these infinity objects were held in pretty shitty easy places to begin with even though they are so dangerous. I guess Elders of the Universe's have shitty millennial intern problems too.


So overall this movie was really fun and a risky dark horse compared to the rest of the Marvel Universe. Contrasting choices and humor vs emotions worked well in some instances and not so great in others. The casting choice was 1OO% spot on. Everything from the make up, the CGI movement, and even the voice acting that breathed life into the most obscure of characters. The movie gives you that beautiful swath of colors, emotions, and character development. A real treat for the audience. We got a great comic book feel without it being too corny or fake, making you forget that there are no such things as talking raccoons and cities based out of floating heads. So come out to the theater and get your love!

Got a burning urge to prove your nerdy pride? Comment below!

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YAY Sparkles!

DnD Rating: 8.5/1O

After Credits: Yes! There is a scene as the credits start and another one after the full credits are complete, so stay behind! Its not really a scene to connect the movie with the rest of the series, but it is an interesting surprise. In case you don't get the final scene...comment and I'll explain.

X-Men: Days of Future Past - HORRAY, X-Men 3 Never Happened!

In one epic two hour movie, the vile fetus child of Brett Ratner's abomination, X-Men 3: The Last Stand, is finally erased from the timeline forever! Also X-Men 2...because Jean and Scott are still alive. Yay for movie time traveling! Righting all the wrongs in the fictional universe so that fans can finally wash out the bad taste in their mouths. This gem of a movie brought back its all star cast, every single one of them, both new and old to make an outstanding change in the timeline. I think we are back on track, ladies and gentlemen!

When time slows, the fun begins

Down and Dirty:

What can I say? This movie was well done. It was complicated, but not convoluted. Between past and present, it was easy to follow each piece of the timeline and their effects on each other.

The rules were generally clean cut in the explanation of consciousness time traveling. As for the special effects, they were barely passable and weren't realistic enough to be believable at times. Overall a pretty entertaining movie with a good mix of drama and humor. It doesn't take itself too seriously, but lovely references all the other movies in the cineverse at the same time.



Story: 

Probably the best part about the movie. The story was very strong, easy to follow and fun to watch.
Even though Bishop was replaced as the one to go back in time, Bryan Singer knew we barely know Bishop nor his struggles. However Wolverine is very familiar and we all love that guy. So off he goes into the time space continuum to warn the others of impending doom. Sentinels that can adapt to ever mutant power and destroy them all.

Beast. Wolverine. Make it so.

Logan is definitely our star as he becomes the main protagonist that goes back in time to save the world. And the funny part is he has to be patient with a very stubborn, emotional, slackjaw younger version of Professor X that is pissed at the world. But I think the most interesting part of all was how much mixing of real history they pushed into the story. The unfortunate part is they didn't choose to do anything obscure [because we all know how well the American public actually knows their history], but still delightfully done none the less.

CGI:

The effects were rather corny. I don't know who they hire to do the graphics for these movies, but Fox must keep selecting the lowest price package possible because the effects are cheaply done. The worst example were the pieces of rail road that was pulled off and shredded into smaller pieces to embed into the robots. That was just awful. They didn't even try to make it realistic. The sentinels also looked like they copied the models straight off of the Protoss race from Star Craft. At least the blackbird doesn't look too bad and Blink's portal effects are pretty cool too. I really wish they colored one blue and the other orange. That would have been such an awesome nod to the game, Portal.

New Characters:

We really didn't get to know some of the new characters, but here is what I understand:

Blink - I love her abilities, the portal capability is very useful for the other characters to play off of in a fight. I like her look, its got an almost cyberpunk like look. However we barely got to understand her personality. So I don't know much about her.

Bishop - Seemed like a pretty cool dude and his energy absorption to fire up his weapon and capabilities is nice. Bishop is the first to go through Kitty's mind time effects so he can warn the mutants in the past against the Sentinel strike. Bishop seems like a leader.

Sunspot - All I know is he sets himself on fire and....yeah. How does he keep his hair?

Warpath - I still don't get him. By the way...this dude's real name is Booboo and he was in Twilight. Nough said.








 

Quicksilver - FINALLY we get to know a character a bit more than watching them die two different times. Quicksilver is by far, the most fun to follow. I love the slow motion scene where he is moving through the room playing jokes on his attackers while saving his group from certain doom. Quicksilver is presented as a smart ass and trouble maker that seems to feel he is above the law. Of course with his abilities, I can't blame him. You can't arrest what you can't catch. Quicksilver has a great personality and seems eager to please and learn when guided in the right direction. I would definitely like to see more of him in the future.






The Future is NOW: [A collection of thoughts]

The Fastest Boy Alive - 

How old does Magneto have to be in this movie to have a 16 year old brat named Quicksilver? Supposedly Magneto was born in the 193Os...so I guess by the time 1973 rolls around he is what...3O to 4O something years old? Holy moly. He looks in the movie as if he could have been in his early 3Os. Something is off here.

Detection Error - 

Four perfectly good mutants were right in front of these behemoths and who do they detect? Magneto holding up the thunder dome in the sky. So Bolivar...you say they never make a mistake? There is pretty strong confidence in that assumption. You are just as good as Justin Hammer with his drones. Did Ivan Vanko work on your bots too?

How does this thing seriously detect X-genes?

Baby Monitors - 

So the robots have these devices in them that detect the mutant X gene and they REALLY look like baby monitors. I was waiting for a baby's cry to emit from the speaker side of the detector. SENTINELS, there to protect your babies...from evil mutants and soothe them with bottles.

Ice Ice Baby - 

Was it REALLY necessary for bobby to turn his body into ice? It looks cool, I'll give him that, but unless you are a glacier, ice shatters pretty easily. I wouldn't have bothered to do that knowing these Sentinels are pretty ruthless.

Magneto Just Turns Them On - 

So now Magneto can turn on and control these robots? I thought the metal splitting was merely to control the bots physically and not through command and control. Yeah...this was a little far fetch'd for my taste.

Casual Cops to the Rescue - 

I know good ol Pietro, AKA Quicksilver was a trouble maker, but did his mom seriously think Logan and the gang were cops? Did cops just wore whatever they wanted in the 7Os?

I feel like she is really trying to become the last airbender

Blink is also Psychic - 

I know Blink needs to anticipate wherever she is portaling, but how did she know Kitty and Bishop were in trouble on the opposite side of the building so she can portal in to save the day? And how can she just portal without being in the area?

Amazon Delivery Drop - 

I know this was the final arc of the storyline, but why did Trask felt he needed to send a shit ton of sentinels to kill Magneto, Xavier and the last of the mutant stand? It seemed from the first fight just 3 sentinels could take them all down with ease. Even when the carriers exploded, they still had 2O more climbing the walls.

Enslavement - 

I know mutants are the spooky scary us against them scenario, but how does anyone believe enslavement is OK for even mutant children? Oh right...Japanese internment camps. Never mind.

Do me a favor, Pod. Be a good lad and fetch me some wine.

Trask Gives Almost No Viable Explanation of His Hatred for Mutants - 

If Trask didn't hate mutants that much, why was he so bent on eliminating them all? It seemed he had a successful business already set up. Was mutant terror, a problem that never seemed to be a big deal before, something he just needed to eliminate? Was he bored? And why can't I help, but keep thinking he is Tyrion and I need to feel sorry for him? Trask didn't seem like such a bad dude or much of a villain compared to his counterpart, Major Striker.

Drugs Are Awesome! - 

Xavier sure loves his drugs...until its convinient to the plot. Gosh. Who knew a pep talk was the solution to cure drug addiction? Damn. Why doesn't EVERYONE just do that? And man, Beast is an enabler. Grow a spine, Beast.

So Original -

Nothing says 197O like a lava lamp. Gosh, you couldn't think of anything more nostalgic? It is literally the first thing that comes into view when Logan wakes up. Its like we can't get away from these things being in every scene of every movie made about the 7Os. Its like....that is the only thing everyone remembers because they were all high as a kite.

"The Crow" Wannabe Has Some Constipation Issues

Warpath is Useless - 

Hi I'm an Indian and I can sense shit from far away. That is my only power, but after being a glorified scout, I'm pretty useless as a fighter. But check out my MENACING MEAN FACE! GRRR! Are you intimidated now?

Warpath: "Oh! Oh! Hey guys I see something!"

Sentinels: ROAR. DEATH AND TAXES!

*Everyone gets killed*

Warpath: "Hey...guys? Guys? Am I the only one alive? Oh shit."





 Hank's Doohickey - 

I'm pretty sure if the guards saw his device, they probably wouldn't let him keep it on the tour. What was his explanation? Oh sorry officer, this is just the remote control for my TV set. I sure love Howdy Doody.

No Forks For You - 

Seriously... where are the utensils? Not even a spork? How was Magneto supposed to eat his food? And why were they keeping him below one of the most important military/political structures in DC? You figured he would be far far away from anyone important in a special prison some where on an island where he could never escape.

Kirk just discovered Priceline.com went out of business

Star Trek References Current Situation - 

Not only was this scene emphasizing how geeky Beast was, the movie also takes the time to play a Star Trek episode that TOTALLY references the current issue. This episode came from the original Star Trek series and its called "The Naked Time."


Major Striker is the Worst Body Guard Ever - 

This guy is supposed to protect Trask and instead he just keeps screwing up. He can't even save his troops in Vietnam from an unarmed woman. When they caught Raven in the meeting room, why didnt he shoot through the table? I know hes an officer and they dont like to get their hands dirty but seriously....why does he suck so bad? Was that the first time he ever held a gun? Geez. No wonder they put you in special programs. They probably didn't want you to get them killed on the battlefield.

Kitty Scratch - 

You just got scratched...omg...what are you taking? blood thinners? How can you leak that much blood to the point that you are losing too much of it? Why couldnt they tear a piece off of magnetos cloak to stop her from bleeding? Its not like hes going to use it anyway.

You Make Me Sick - 

Haha...Silly Mutant, your power makes everyone puke. LOL. Lame.

^ Not Scarlett Witch. Peter's mom is cheating on Magneto

Quicksilver's Sister -

And where is Scarlett Witch?? His twin sister never shows up or even gets referenced in the movie, so I assume they were separated at birth for whatever reason. Man, Peter's mom is a dick to her own daughter AND she keeps the next one to add salt to the wound. This woman clearly couldn't handle two abnormal children wrecking her life. Time to pop a bastard with a NORMAL man.

Porcupine Kid - 

How did this kid get through MEPS without being eliminated from the facility? Oh son...you look like you got into a fight with a thorn bush. You got your balls? Good. Good enough to fight in nam. NEXT!!!

Kitty Power Change - 

Now Kitty has the power to do mind melding, past/present shit. So how did this second genetic mutation happen again? And what would they do if she couldn't do that? I mean...we wouldn't haven this movie, that's for sure.

This is her "I'm going to put a foot up your ass" look

Ravens Clothes - 

So Raven can morph herself and her clothes....but she couldn't do that with the mink coat she was wearing? Why is she allowed to morph her clothes too? So does that mean she is always technically naked if her clothes are part of her skin transformation?

Logan Lights One Up - 

In the shitiest of times you can always count on Logan to light up a cigar casually right before all hell breaks loose.

Double Nixon - 

When Raven turned into Nixon, I swear some one was going to mess it up by saying....HEY...you aren't the President! I am really shocked that 3O different people kept their mouths shut like a pro.

Blink is Asian? -

Blink is now Asian folks....she no longer looks link P!nk, she looks more like an anime character. I guess they needed a token Asian in this one or my peoples were going to through a fit.

Raven's Foot Choke - 

She choked out that dude with her foot! Daaammmn. That's hot.


So overall this was a great movie and really brings back the spirit of what the X-men are all about. Bryan Singer is just amazing at making these movies. FOX, please make him do all of them! If you love stories about time traveling, mutants, and post-apocalyptic doom, then you will be in love with this movie. The script is on target, clings onto you and never lets you go all the way til the end. Of course we all knew it would end well, but it definitely left an impression. Enjoy!

What did you think of the new X-Men movie? Loved it or hated it? Tell us why in the comments below!

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DnD Rating: 9.5/1O

After Credits Teaser?: YES! After the credits are complete, you will get to see a glimpse of the upcoming storyline: Age of Apocalypse. Why do I tell you this? Because I'm a 1OO% sure that if you aren't a big comic fan you would have no clue what that ending meant [I didn't]. For those of you who want to read more into it here is a great link explaining the after credit scene: ‘X-Men: Days of Future Past’ End Credits Scene Explained

The Amazing Spider Man 2: Roll Credits! Oh wait...you are not done yet?

Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves- just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-man. And came he did, with a long running time of 2 hours and 22 minutes, this film is so bloated with fluff and poorly used story mechanisms, even the author of Fifty Shades of Grey would not approve. I can only conclude it was minced to death by Sony execs to the point that it barely represented the story it was and hobbled into theaters as the story it is.

Down and Dirty [Just how you like it]:

*Sigh* What a buzz kill this movie was. All of the best moments were literally in the trailer, so if all of you want to know the essence of the movie, just watch the trailer and you will be good to go. The rest was not that important in the grand scheme of things. This had the most unnecessary convoluted plot possible with not one, not two, but three bad guys that appeared, but two out of the three barely got any running time. We don't even get a team up of bad guys, they choose to separate their battles for no reason at all. Sony just doesn't know how to make a Spider-man movie and could really take a lesson or two from Disney who seem to get better and better with the Marvel films they put out. To wrap this up, I would say it was only an "OK" movie and not something I would not be jumping out of my chair to recommend people to go see. If it was 4O minutes shorter, it would have been a decent film. Not a great film, but a decent one. And Sony really needs to stop stuffing bad guys into these films like a fat kid stuffing cake in his mouth.

Humor:

Spidey hitches a ride with front row seats

I would like to start off the review on a some what positive note. The humor in this film was great and I really enjoyed the cheekiness of the new Spider-man. He's fun to watch. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Peter Parker and even though I was surprised at his pick, I have to agree that he is a much better Spider-man than Tobey Maguire. The humor was probably the best thing in this film. Especially the moments where you hear the spider-man theme ring tones. Unfortunately that is where the film stops in light of the fun.

Story:

The story was so convoluted, I wondered how the post-production team didn't pull all of their hair out before the film was completed. You had a back and forth love drama going, Peter's problem with Harry dieing, Electro's messy nonsense, dealing with Aunt May's problems, and then the whole issue with wanting to know the truth about his father. It was just too many things to follow and the order that we followed it in didn't build an arc, but more of a small town roller coaster that gave you the biggest thrill right in the middle and then lots of little lumpy thrills at the end.

The whole film was clearly 4O minutes too long. The longest wrap up in history. Trust me...I looked at my phone around the time I thought the film should have ended and we still were barely at two hours. I don't mind long films, but there was a lot of post battle shit that went on and on and on. The summary of the story was Peter gives up on life for a good year [it was 5 months but the went through all four seasons...so I thought it was a year] after Gwen's death and then eventually returns to defeat Rhino...which only had a good ten minutes of film time. I wish they kept this film light and lean. The fact that they made it dramatically dark after she dies might have been a bit too much, but considering she was running away to England, I guess she had to be killed, right? Spider-man can't leave New York. That's where all the monsters and baddies converge to destroy shit.

Music:

This is one of the few times I will have to say the music was...weird. They tried to make the battle at the power station mix with the music and all it did was create confusion. I was getting confused if Electro was actually saying the words or that was the singer singing the lyrics in the background music. Don't do that shit, Sony! Also...I felt the music where Peter and Gwen met up was very "take my breath away" cheesy like.

One of the coolest slo-mo shots in the movie

Graphics:

Nobody steals Slo-mo from 3OO. NOBODY! They slo-moed the shit out of every battle in that movie to the point that I was like "here we go again" [cue eye roll]. Despite this, the electricity shots are pretty awesome and fun to watch. I really liked the color blends they chose and the way they reconstructed Electro each time he had to reform. The graphics were decent in the film, but the aftermath of said graphics sometimes didn't match up. Such as the whole battle sequence between Spider-man and Electro at the power station. They must have knocked out like fifteen towers and for some reason all of them were still up with minimal damage when they finished.


My Spidey Senses Has Counted the Sins!:

1. NYPD's 15 Vehicle Car Chase:

I guess it was a slow day for the NYPD. No need to chase gang bangers or deal with giving out traffic tickets for threatening violent sodomy on the guy who cut you off. Nope, they had all the time in the world to chase a guy who stole a truck. Instead of splitting up and cutting this crazy Russian carjacker off at the intersections, they all proceeded to chase him from behind like this is drag racing or Boston marathoning.  This is a great way to reaffirm to our youth that the police are incompetent and never trust them to ever get your car back. Just wait for your favorite super hero to come save you instead.

2. The Viles that Nobody Cared About:

So what were the viles for in the beginning chase scene? Plutonium? Also if the viles were that important, why did crazy guy not care if they were bouncing around while he drove around the city? Also...who the hell puts plutonium in small, possibly breakable viles? Shouldn't this truck be fully loaded with dudes with weapons if it was that important? Whoever was Chief of Security of Trucks should be fired. They should hire Happy in their place. Happy is a person who gets things done. Just like Joe Pesci.

Thats definitely a jheri curl fighting with a spider on his head

3. Pocket Protector Pens are Pocket Protected:

Nothing says nerd like a few pens in a shirt pocket right? Well how about 7 pens stuffed in a shirt pocket? This dude had pens stuffed in there like he was stealing them in bulk from Office Max. There was absolutely no reason he needed his entire pen portfolio hanging off his chest.

4. Nerd Alert:

I really dislike the nerd look people portray so much. Thick rimmed glasses, buck teeth, pens in the pocket, and whats up with that rad comb over? Do black men even do that in their old age? I thought that was exclusively a white man's crippling desire to keep the last strands of youth on top of their head.
 
5. Ill Walk Myself Out:

FAIL. This is bad guy 1O1 man. You never let your enemy go like that! Harry should have been escorted all the way down the stairs and into a cop car. That is the only way you win, evil board of directors dude. You win by making sure that little shit punk doesn't wander around his own building free after he supposedly betrayed the organization. Isn't there a handbook for this shit? Why is evil so dumb?

Let there be LIGHT! And Bad Assery.

6. Electrocuted on Electric Avenue:

How is Peter's organs not fried with a side of apple butter from getting electrocuted so much? He got his face electrocuted and his body electrocuted and his hands electrocuted. They make it look like he just got some mad static shock, because he recovered way too quick for his own good.

Come on Sony...he should have been constantly in pain. Getting electrocuted hurts like hell. Also he should have NEVER been able to escape Electro's attacks. Electricity runs extremely fast. The only person who should have been able to compete with Electro in speed is Quicksilver.

7. Harry is Scary:

Could we not have an uglier looking villain? They really over played the goblin look on Harry to the point that he was outrageously hideous and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. He even snatched Dorothy...I mean Gwen up for kicks. I didn't really imagine the effects of the venom would have been that dramatic that they changed his facial expression and his douchey hipster haircut for a punky/aphex twin's "come to daddy" look.

8. His Past:

So Peter gets dumped and he becomes all emo and sulky. Finally he gets the idea to start going through his father's stuff, because hey we have something to relate to now, right? Also why are there 35 pictures of Gwen on his wall? Is this guy really that obsessed with her? Damn. A bit stalkerish this one is.

Who the hell is this guy?

9. Goblin Suit:

So Harry gets down to the super secret place and gets injected with the super spider venom. After his victorious grin emerges, Harry realizes he made a mistake and falls from the painful venom while the evil director schmuck that unwillingly helped him bails, hits the emergency button and leaves him there to die. You would figure everything would seal off but instead the doors open to the magical goblin suit with open arms. And some how in the midst of all the madness and struggle crawling, Harry is now magically standing in the suit in the next shot when he clearly was barely able to get off the ground. Can we say, fire the video editor? Also, how did he know the suit would help him from dying?

1O. 5 second Goblin Chase:

We barely got much of the Green Goblin and only after Electro died off. Why put the big battle before the smaller one? Why sony? why? They needed to team up!

11. Apparently Harry has Spidey Senses too:

How did Harry figure out Gwen was Peter's ex-girlfriend? Peter never mentions her name, hes never seen her before, and he never saw her talking with him before she ran into him in the elevator. How does he know this is the one out of hundreds of employees that roam the building?

I just noticed they digitally removed the bulge from his suit

12. Peters Voice:

This really kills me. How does Harry not possibly know Spider-man is Peter Parker? The voice gives it away. I can't imagine Harry would think Spider-man would be any other person since Peter some how made their meeting happen. I know Peter seems weak and unsuspecting, but I am sure the thought had to have popped into his head at some point.



13. Electric Eels Plus High Voltage = Electro?:

PLEASE tell me how this is possible. Those eels were eating him alive in that tank. So you are telling me the shock of the electricity in the water plus modified super eels just makes him an electrical entity with pants? I'm the Queen of Believing in pseudo-science, but this is just considerably far fetched from other transformations. He is the equivalent of if you peeled back the skin off of a smurf with super powers.

Also how did 9 people not notice Electro pulling off the grate right in front of them and grabbing the electrical wires underneath? I mean he's a black dude [well more blue...but you get what I mean]. White pedestrians should automatically assume because he is wearing a hoodie he is out to take their babies and steal their investment portfolios. Also cops smell a black dude doing wrong from hundreds of miles away. They are like flies on shit. Even when the black dude is just THINKING of doing something wrong a cop car rolls up. Are you saying racism doesn't exist in the Spider-man universe? ESPECIALLY in a place like New York?

I wonder if you plug him in if his head lights up...

14. Apparently the Suit and Spanx Come with the Electricity:

I know Sony is trying not to be crass, but HAHA he's got nut huggers! The dude should be flat out naked every time he zips through a wall socket. However he some how comes with his own set of clothes. That's as incredible as the Hulk's pants surviving every time he transforms into the green fists of rage. Or Captain America's pants being the perfect length after growing a foot and gained steroid size muscles.

15. Super Secret Train Lab?:

The video clearly was filmed from his home, but some how it was on his computer at the lab. Why? We've seen him make the confession, but how did he find time to pass it to the computer before he got on the plane and died? This was in an isolated train station after all. And if Peter never broke the calculator, he would have never known the truth. How would Richard Parker know Peter would figure out where the train was? Wasn't this a risky scheme to begin with? In a normal universe Peter would have trashed Dad's old stuff and never figured out what happened. This is poor planning on his father's part.

After a date on the bridge, Peter takes her to the SAW party

16. The Most Unromantic Spot Ever:

Does Peter ever think for a second that Gwen may not want to be a place where she might be thinking of dying? Like the very top of a bridge that I am sure moves a bit from the wind, the earth's rotation, maybe the sand shifting or birds shitting? I know this was supposed to be a masterful scene of love finally coming together so you can all crush us later, but I don't think many women would love to be placed in a position where if the wind farts we can fall to our doom. A park would have done just fine.

17. Stolen Police Car:

So Gwen steals a police car....why is half of NYPD not chasing her for this?! Oh you chase a criminal for plutonium vials, but one police car gets stolen like GTA and nobody cares suddenly? Christ.

18. Im late, but they loved me!: 

Gwen is the only person in the universe that was late for an interview and still got the position. What kind of people just let some one be late for a interview, have a whole conversation in the hallway and still give them the opportunity? More hungrier, on time people want this more, Gwen. I think you lied so Peter can want you back! If this was Glenn Gary Glenn Ross this would have never gone down like that. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about...BEHOLD..one of the best speeches in movie history to kick you out of loserville: [fast forward to 1 min in]

19. Power Station Recovery:

So how did the entire city get all of its electricity back again? You can't tell me Spider-man packaged everything in a nice neat bow and saved the day. I call shenanigans on that one. There were like 15 electrical transformers that got knocked out during their battle. I say that place should have been holy shit destroyed. Also why was the power button under a padlock and the dead guy had the key in his hand? What was he planning to do before his death? He would have never known Electro was coming even if he could turn it off. Also why is the fate of the entire city's electricity dependent on one dude with a padlock key? Doesn't that seem extremely irresponsible of Oscorp?

2O. Why is New York Dependent on One Power Station?:

I know they briefly mentioned that Oscorp was the soul supplier of the city's electricity, but who the hell would put the city's entire electrical grid in one place? Why was there not several stations that existed and backup points for emergency services? Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff? Also its New York...you would figure they would be prepared for any kind of terrorism. You know?

21. Gwen's Death:

I was going to be so pissed if she was still alive after seeing her crack her head hard on the concrete. I'm glad she died. Not because I'm glad she died, but I'm glad they didn't pull a fast one on us and made her alive some how. Also...Gwen is a stupid cow. Peter told her this shit was dangerous...and she didn't care because she's being a stubborn girlfriend. Oh Gwen. Now you done it. Left the series open for another Mary Jane to swoop in and coddle the heart of our hero....and get in all sorts of trouble. I guess Emma Stone wanted out of her contract? I would too if I made this movie.

Thanks to modern CGI, he looks nothing like this

22. Rhino...is Not Really in the Movie:

The last five seconds we finally get to see Rhino and the movie ends. Rhino was never meant to have a mechanical suit from I understand, so it was very awkward to see him in one.

Also, why would OSCORP spring him out to wreck the city? Are they trying to find the whereabouts of Peter Parker or draw him out? I mean, there is a thing called the internet. Peter couldn't be hiding in that many places, right? Now that he knows who Spider-man really is, Peter should be easy to find.




So overall I have to say that this movie just didn't impress me. I'll admit, I've never been a huge Spider-man fan, but that doesn't stop me from liking a movie. So I say Sony is never going to get this right if they haven't gotten it right by now. They keep making the same mistakes, forcing too many emotions in a film that had no idea what to feel in the first place. Too little character development and too quick of a ramp up caused the story to feel unevenly paced and chaotic. If they had not tried to stuff three villains in the same movie and thrown in too many plot conveniences [which I feel is a sign of story teller weakness], the story might have been good with just Electro alone. The Goblin is overplayed and apparently never played right. Let it die, Sony.

What did you think of the Amazing Spider-man 2? Did you think it was better than the first?

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DnD Rating: 5/1O

After Credits: Yes, there is one special clip a little after the credits start. Oddly enough, it has NOTHING to do with Spider-man. I still don't get it.

Captain America 2: HAIL HYDRA!

 
Captain America graces the screen once again in a new adventure with Black Widow and Nick Fury, continuing the Marvel Saga in the ever complicated Avengers 2 setup. Time has passed in the Marvel cineverse. Steve Rogers is now working for SHIELD and finding purpose in his new role as team leader. He is catching up with the times and making peace with himself for everything he has missed the past several decades. However his past never seems to leave him, does it?

Down and Dirty: [Just how you like it]

This fight would have been better with Magneto in the picture

The first impression is that this movie is better than the first. I always felt Disney had a knack of getting the right people on board for their work, but this has to be the best Marvel movie of the season. Thor 2 was kind of better than the first, but Captain America 2 was leagues better than its predecessor. The story was well paced, there was plenty of action and it was a good lead into an exciting Avengers movie coming out next year.

Especially with the biggest shock of the comic season, the destruction of SHIELD.  It will be interesting to see how Nick Fury will continue on now that all of his agents went their separate ways and he will no longer get funding considering it was all HYDRA supported any way.

Story: 

Like I stated before, the story was well paced and for the most part pretty good. Steve was always like Superman to me. One of those shining penny "do-gooders" that can't help, but to do good things. I really hate shining pennies because they are too righteous for my taste. It was good to see Steve becoming a fugitive and having to do things he wouldn't normally do while still being Steve. Black Widow, however, is much more comfortable with doing whatever is necessary to keep everyone alive and has little remorse in doing it as well. I thought their pairing added a good flair to the story. Both of them helped each other out in areas where the other was deficient in.

Although the one thing that did bother me was the title "Winter Soldier" which we thought would be focused on Bucky's character, but I was disappointed to find out it didn't. In fact, if you removed Bucky entirely from the film, it would have made no difference at all. It was a strangely remote side plot that had such little effect overall that you could have replaced Bucky and the movie would have still been good. The only thing Bucky really affected was Steve's emotional connection to his past. Something Steve misses considering he is a fish out of water literally everywhere he goes.

Action:

For you action buffs out there, there was plenty of explosions, carnage porn, gun fights, and trash talking in this film. The best parts are really the fights between Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Although there were a couple fights I found to be flat out hilarious. This includes Captain America against what looks like a Russian commando that has a flair for back flips. It took me back to the old days of the age of martial arts movies where the bad guy has to sell his abilities by doing all these crazy kicks before they even start fighting. He kind of looked like a blocky headed Jean Claude Van Damme to me.

He's like a Bond Villain, but more Koch Brothery...

Robert Redford:

This was a total surprise to me. I really haven't seen Robert Redford in any movie in a while. Or maybe I just don't watch Robert Redford movies period. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised to see Robert in the film as the villain. He performed beautifully, straddling both sides of the equation of good and evil, while still being on the side of evil. His arguments were eloquent and convincing.

YOU CAN'T KILL THE FURY!:

This is just a normal day for a brother with money

They tried to kill the fury, they failed. YOU CAN'T KILL SAMUEL L JACKSON! He's going to pop a cap in your ass or sick the Hulk on you. I knew he wasn't dead. I know black people seem to drop like flies in movies, but this is Samuel L Jackson. Nobody kills Samuel L Jackson without Samuel L Jackson's permission. Plus I love Samuel L Jackson...he makes every movie 1OOO% percent better. YES. You can't kill the fury!!


Captain's Log - The Gripes:

1. Hail Hydra:

Why does anyone bother saying this anymore? Doesn't everyone know who is in the Hydra Conspiracy by now? I never liked Senator Stern any way, but did we need to know he was in on the conspiracy? That sounds like a normal day in the life of DC's most wanted. Its just an emphasis on the already existing sentiment that DC is corrupt.

2. For an Assassin His Aim was Shitty:

What kind of assassin carries a dagger on their back?

First off, a traditional assassin never goes out in the open to reveal himself. He is supposed to be a ghost. One minute you hear something, the next you are dead. They were not designed for long term hand to hand combat, unless absolutely necessary.

The main focus is always to fight, then escape so they can set up for the kill again. Second...you are telling me this Assassin can't hit two targets? He has the better aim out of all the goombas that HYDRA hired and he can't knock some one out from several yards away? Maybe the Buckster just needs another round of CBT assassin training and he should be good to go on his requirements.


3. DC Traffic:

Nope, I call bullshit. It is impossible to flow through traffic that easily in DC, even on the sidewalk. I always find movies that are done in major cities like New York and LA hilarious when they attempt a car chase. Also what bugs me is the scene where the Winter Soldier is in the middle of the freeway with a rocket launcher and nobody notices this. Then there is a huge fire-breathing, vehicle-flipping explosion and these cars are passing this shit by like its a minor demonstration for Free the Pandas. You would think they would swerve a bit at least out of courtesy.

4. You Use to be Hot:

This had to have been his face when he first saw her again

Yeah that girl he wanted to go on a date with? Totally decided to friend zone her. What a douche.

I can imagine the conversation now:

Steve: Thanks, but you are wrinkly, old, and apparently not a virgin now. I think its time for me to move onto girls my own age.

Peggy: Steve...you are 95.

Steve: I'm like whiskey, baby...I get better with age! I'm sure the girls will understand.

Peggy: Steve..you are a weapon of SHIELD, you can recall the good ol days when the Nazis took over and you could smoke on the job, you are a magnet for death and destruction and you are married to your work. Nobody is going to want you.

Steve: SHUT UP PEG.

5. The Starks Send Their Regards:

Anyone noticed that the Hydra scientist stated "accidents happen." This is a great lead into Tony's history without ever addressing him in the movie. Is this going to get discussed in the Avengers? I freaken hope so. I want to see Tony beat HYDRA's ass for his father's sake.

He needed a jumping start to throw the shield properly

6. That Shield:

That shield...drives me insane. Not once does it bounce off into a ditch, the ocean, off the freeway or any other random place. It either sticks, boomerangs back or conveniently falls into/on a vehicle for easy retrieval. For once I would like to see him lose that shit for a while because he just irresponsibly tosses it around like its Ultimate Frisbee.

7. Pretty Boy Face without a Scratch:

Until the last 3O minutes of the film, Captain America didn't receive a scratch for almost the entire movie. Including a scene where a missile destroys the entire building that he was in and another where he was running through a bus full of flying glass, scrap metal and bullets. I know we are trying to keep the main character pretty for most of the movie...but seriously? Steve was armorless the majority of the movie. He should be beaten up pretty good even before he Bucky gets to him.

8. BababaBombbombbombbomb:

Which brings me to my next point...a huge missile strikes the facility destroying every bit of concrete, metal and infrastructure support that exists and black widow and the Captain survives because they jumped into a ditch last minute. PLEASE. Nobody can survive that even with his dumpy shield. The shock of the blast could have easily made their insides explode.

9. Hes not the Juggernaut/Wolverine/Thor, people:

Marvel is beginning to confuse Captain America's abilities. I thought he was a super human with super strength, speed and agility. That doesn't mean he can dodge bullets, or fall fifty stories, or crash through concrete walls or survive an airship crash. He even gets shot 4 times and survives easily with all the internal injuries. Not only did he get shot, he finished the mission and pulled Sir Bucky out of the wreckage as the ship came tumbling slowly down like a pretty pink cloud [because apparently the rapid loss of velocity combined with the rumbling chaos from crashing into a building had no effect on the Captain's ability to stroll around the wreckage]. And he DOESNT DIE. DUDE. Hes a genetically modified super human...not wolverine. All of that would have killed him. In fact, this whole movie should have murdered him.

1O. Falcon does not Equal New War Machine:

Its a bird, its a plane...nope its just a black guy with a jet pack

They really tried to make the Falcon like War Machine and it didn't work for me. You are telling me he can avoid 12 heat seeking missiles? I call Shenanigans. Even Tony Stark had to drop flares and ditch. I feel like Falcon is not on the same level as Captain America and felt more like a side-kick than an equal like Tony and Rhodey. They also chose not to emphasize Falcon's special abilities and made him just a dude with a jet pack rather than having that special connection with birds.


11. Apparently Agent Strovenoff Von Nice Rack is Julian Assange:

So I am assuming they are making this the LAST Marvel movie leading up to the Avengers next summer. And SURPRISE...SHIELD is gone! All of their agents went their seperate ways. Including the Captain, that is now off chasing Bucky while Black Widow is trying to find a new Identity [and a new movie...hint]. And I hope that show Agents of SHIELD dies along with it.

Sorry Hawk Eye, I'm ditching you for a bigger man.

12. Is it Hot in Here?:

Black Widow was so macking on Steve....but he was such a bitch! Whenever its "Steve" at the helm of his sex life...its like City of Virgins down there.

He's so doey-eyed innocent. I think he might have been disgusted he wasted his first kiss alive on a hot agent trying to keep them from dying. I think that's the perfect reason to kiss some one. Death imminent...KISS ME YOU FOOL!


Black Widow: I want to hop on your pogo stick.

Steve:  Ah shucks, gee willikers, ma'am. I don't have a pogo stick, but I can sure buy one for you if you need it for a mission.

Black Widow: *SIGH*

Come on Steve, its the 21st century, THIS WOMAN DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO FIND BUCKY'S FILE SO YOU CAN BE SWELL PALS. And I assume you still haven't discovered the wonderful world of free internet porn yet because if you did, you would never leave your room again.

SHIELD Agent: Captain! Captain! Thanos is invading!

Captain America: Don't care, there is a midget with two dolphins and this guy is watching it.

Nick Fury: Captain, Ultron is destroying the unive...oh my lord, what the hell happened to this room? Also what is that nasty stench? Is that shit in a bucket?

Captain America: Hold on damn it, this woman is just about to have sex on a unicycle suspended on a tight rope with three dogs on her shoulders.

Nick Fury: *SIGH*

13. Random Super Agent SHIT:

Twice in this movie agents just randomly pop out of no where. I know agents of SHIELD are supposed to be the best at what they do, but what the hell people! You want me to believe Agent Von Nice Rack smuggled out the old lady hostage from a room that clearly had NO way to sneak out, took her clothes [or shes in the bathroom dead and naked...who knows], and then planted herself in the room? Thats not only crap, thats super crap. And why didn't every other agent do that in the movie? This would have been handled a long time ago if they pulled these stunts. WHERE ARE YOU...AGENTS OF SHIELD? Too busy to defend the nation? Assholes.

14. Falcon's Gas Tank:

John Woo must have directed this scene...

NEVER RUNS OUT. That thing looks crude as crap...you are telling me that he has that much gas to fly that thing for that long? Nope. Not buying it. Also I am confused on its origins. Was it Air Force technology or Army technology? Because if it was Air Force technology, why was it stored on an Army installation?

15. So We Meet Again...on a Slim Walkway Suspended in the Air:

Every time Ive seen movies where there is a final battle between good and evil...its always in the most inconvenient places ever. Like a narrow walkway where anyone can fall off and die. But they never do because that wouldn't be fun. Actually...I think this happened in Captain 1 as well. Didn't Red Blow Pop Face also fight Steve in a similar setting? Or at least burn down the walkway? I can't remember anymore.

16. You'll die!:

Colbie Smulders...you took a good 8 miliseconds of mortal guilt before you hit that button when Steve insisted. You are a bad friend.

17. Black Widow is the Only Reason Rogers is Still Alive:

BCGs, the super hero's tool for becoming anonymous

As Rogers became a fugitive on the run, there were countless close calls that were thwarted by Agent Von Nice Rack's clever thinking. Yes, he is big and buff and can beat ass, but he can't do it forever and he sucks at laying low.

At some point these bad guys are going to get the bright idea of attacking him all at once and then he's definitely doomed. I really wonder what would happen to Rogers if Von Nice Rack would have been his enemy? He would have been Robert's bitch for the rest of the movie.

18. The Easy Way Out:

OK, so Nick Fury uses this acid shit to eat away at the car and run away from the popo [not possible in an upside down car without being noticed, but sure...lets go with that]. Well, Steve, Colbie and the gang do the same trick in a MOVING VAN and managed to hijack another van to go to SHIELD's alternative location. How did this happen again?

How is it possible to dump through the bottom in the middle of traffic without being noticed? Lets say they stopped at a traffic light along the way [it is DC after all and traffic only seems convenient when the plot says so]....they would only have a few minutes for all four of them to drop through the bottom. Now they only have two choices, either roll off to the side [which they could inevitably be spotted in the rear view mirror] or they could low crawl toward the back of the vehicle. This would take way too much time for four people to accomplish at one traffic light. So let me ask again, how could this have happened?

19. Wow You Killed Everyone in the Room Now You Can't....Wait, Never Mind:

Brock realized pokemon were stupid and became a Nazi instead

So there is a scene where pretty much everyone in the control room is murdered by the bad guys after a stand off between HYDRA and SHIELD agents. You would figure nobody could possibly launch the floating fortresses of doom now, but you're wrong.

Hydra goon, Brock, still manages to launch them because well, screw it, we need a final battle scene and lots of shit to destroy for your movie watching pleasure. This also happens quite a few times with Black Widow as well. Nobody knows how to operate...wait Black Widow just happens to know how to break in. All of these agents are not just assassins, they are also apparently brilliant hackers. Who would have thunk it?

2O. VA Dude Tags Along:

Hey dude I just met while running and works at the VA, you can totally come along on my adventures. Don't worry, we will steal your wings for you, so you can fly around to create more plot conveniences for us. Seriously, Marvel, who just blabs away all of SHIELD's highly classified problems? Steve Rogers does.

21. You, Hydra Guy, on the Roof. NOW.:

So Steve, Black Widow and VA Dude kidnap a Hydra member to threaten him into telling them their evil plans. Wouldn't somebody have noticed this flunky was gone? Also the Senator just walked away only a minute ago. Couldn't he run to him for safety? Also how come nobody noticed VA dude flying around after saving evil flunky from dying? In the Marvel universe, nobody ever seems to notice out of the ordinary things at all. I guess people are just like, "Nope, none of my business. I'm just going to get a donut and never mention this to anyone."

Carnage Porn. You're welcome.

22. Eliminating Terrorists Everywhere:

So SHIELD aka Hydra's plan was using flying gunships to take out terrorists before they even plot to hurt anyone. How is this shit not illegal? Where is the due process? You are telling me you are just going to go out and murder a shit ton of people and go "You're Welcome, America." Who is funding this? Enron?

23. Why do They Keep Making These Things?:

Didn't SHIELD have a flying fortress in the Avengers? Why the hell do they keep making these things? They can't be that cheap and besides that...they are easy to find and destroy. We discovered that flaw in the Avengers movie. Shouldn't SHIELD be a bit more subtle than that? This can't possibly be good for the environment.


So overall, there were quite a few holes that could have been fleshed out better, but irregardless I still stick to my original thoughts. This was much better than the first and I think Captain America alone is a considerably boring character archetype. However with Black Widow and Nick Fury in the mix, he seems to do pretty well as an interesting person considering the circumstances they put him in. I really can't wait for him to catch up to Bucky and team up together in the Avengers! A girl can only wish.

What did you think of the new Captain America movie? Comment Below!

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DnD Rating: 8/1O

Extra Goodies in the Bag? Oh yes. Marvel gives us its traditional two scene twist affair. One teaser a little after the credits start and another teaser AFTER the credits finish. The better one of the two is the first...the other one is just an unclosed thread.

 The Big OMG moment: In case you are wondering who those two people were in the after credits scene. That's Quicksilver [Aaron Taylor-Johnson] and Scarlet Witch [Elizabeth Olsen]. Yes....Magneto's kids. FIGURE OUT THAT DISNEY/FOX CROSS OVER. However they are not mutants...so the fun begins on how Disney will explain the origins of the twins. HAIL HYDRA!