Summer is around the corner and I can't wait to sink my mind into some awesome movies coming out to the theaters. For your reading pleasure, I made a list of all the movies that have potential to be reviewed. So pull out your knives, guns, and bazookas...LETS BUST OUT THE VICTIM LIST!
The Amazing Spiderman 2
Drop Date: May 2, 2O14
The second Spiderman movie in line...now with Jamie Foxx! Hells yeah. Sony finally did a good job of rebooting the series and made it punchier than ever. This installation should be more interesting as the trailer indicates. Its already starting out with an 86% fresh early, but who knows where that percentage will land in the end. Whenever you got more than one person tacked on writing a single script, that shit makes me nervous. I can't wait to see what happens!
Current Judgment: This looks pretty exciting, so I expect there to be a lot of web spinning in the air, flipping in the air, almost dieing in the air, getting shot in the air and being blown out of the air. We got a big fight coming up with both Electro and the Green Goblin. Bring it!
Drop Date: May 9, 2O14
This movie stars Seth Rogan as his usual dumpy, furry self and pretty boy, Zac Efron as a frat douche bag [which is kind of how I always imagined him in real life] that go to war with each other. Except Seth has a baby and hes living next to Delta Lama Beer Drunks who do douchy things like party and be assholes. Seth breaks the sacred trust of the party freaks and then all hell breaks loose. Yup its one of those get even kind of movies where you hope the dumpy guy wins.
Current Judgment: This surprisingly has a really high rating way too early in the game. I'm wondering if they are pumping the numbers or this is actually that good. I vote that its going to be full on raunch, stupidity and revenge that has some shock value.
Drop Date: May 16 2O14
OK, before you start...I know the last one was horrible. Lets not go there. Lets reset, forgive, and move forward. I am really excited about this one and I think it might actually redeem the horror that was that other movie we shall not speak of. First off...Godzilla actually looks like Godzilla, but way freaken cooler and more realistic. Which is a huge plus! The graphics are rockin from what I have seen so far. Second, Bryan Cranston is in this and nobody does it better than him. I imagine that if he is in this film, its pretty decent. And third...its Godzilla!!!
Current Judgment: You already know...I vote this one is going to be pretty awesome.
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Drop Date: May 23, 2O14
We all have been burned by X-Men 3 and the Wolverine movies....and how they ruined Dead Pool [still butt hurt about that one], but I think this one might be seriously good. It looks like a wonderful mix of new and old cast coming together to make a really interesting time traveling movie, X-Men style. This story is all about the X-men going into the past to save their future from extinction and Peter Dinklage...[I'm not kidding...he's in this one. STORM THE LITTLE PEOPLE BEFORE THEY BUILD ROBOTS!]
Current Judgment: THE CAST IS BACK Y'ALL! HELLS YEAH!
Drop Date: May 3O, 2O14
This is the flip side of the story about the great Maleficent, the sultry villain of the tale, Sleeping Beauty. Angelina Jolie stars in this movie as the magnificent sorceress herself and how she became so darn wicked. I feel like the writers gave this story a Lucifer like vein with the stolen wings concept, which would be really cool if they did. It has this great dark feel and an air of wonder that Disney is so famous for. I'm really looking forward to this.
Current Judgment: A story about evil? What's not to like?
A Million Ways to Die in the West
Drop Date: May 3O, 2O14
A surprising entry that I had no idea existed until I saw the trailer last month. Seth Macfarlane and Charlize Theron star in this comedy about the wild west and how anyone or anything can kill you at any moment. The best part is, Liam Nielson and Neil Patrick Harris are also in this film!! I love you Liam and Neil!!! From the trailer perspective this does seem like a cookie cutter kind of story with no real crazy punches being thrown in the mix. So I do expect the story to be pretty crisp and unconvoluted. I imagine the jokes, comedic timing and great character acting are really going to make this film awesome.
Current Judgment: This looks downright hilarious and I have trust in Seth's abilities to make us laugh.
Edge of Tomorrow
Drop Date: June 6 2O14
Guys, I have a secret and that is...I like to watch Tom Cruise run. Like seriously...he runs in every movie...even if a car is a much more viable option. Now that confession time is over, onwards and upwards! Edge of Tomorrow is based off of a Sci-Fi Japanese light novel called "All You Need is Kill" about a man who gets killed on his first sortie during an alien invasion and through a phenomenon, gets returned alive back to his first day before the war. He realizes as the story progresses that he is caught in a time loop where he continues to return to his first day. Each time he battles, he grows in skill as a soldier and desperately tries to change his fate and the fate of the war.
Current Judgment: The trailer seems super shaky on whether it will be good or not. The premise is interesting for sure and Tom Cruise always looks good in Science Fiction. Edge of Tomorrow definitely gives off that Oblivion feel, so lets hope its nothing like Oblivion and is super bad ass instead.
How to Train Your Dragon 2
Drop Date: June 13, 2O14
Our hero Hiccup returns with his dragon pal, Toothless, in a brand new adventure fighting against an evil force that wants to trap the dragons the vikings have come to love! Get ready for all things dragon in this killer sequal and OMG, Hiccup's mom! Super High Five!
Current Judgment: This movie looks amazing, I'm super excited!
22 Jump Street
Drop Date: June 13 2O14
Because going through high school wasn't enough for Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. Now we must tickle your fantasies of the crew roaming through college too with the exact same film title, one number down. Get ready for Ice Cube's career reboot with a side of mega boobs, drinking and college-inspired comedy violence. Did we need another one of these?
Current Judgment: That guy at the end was WAY too enthusiastic about his jail time butt rape.
Drop Date: June 13 2O14
Robert Pattinson is desperately trying to shed his gay vampire persona and become an "Actor for Realz." However who knows if Robert will stand the test of time? The trailer for The Rover is super vague at best. Robert Pattinson looks like a scared little dove shaking in corners, with his pistol, in his vehicle. While everyone else has guns and cars and...whatever people do when the world ends. You can't even understand what Guy Pearce is saying throughout the trailer because he's got the, "sexy mumbles of doom" type of voice going on. That type of shit agitates me. Can we get a translator?
Current Judgment: So the trailer tells you nothing...so I give this a more likely chance to fail as it doesn't even inspire me to want to see it.
Drop Date: June 13, 2O14
The signal talks about three college students that decide to take a detour on a roadtrip and instead of just continue on their road trip, they decide to do something dumb. Like...decide to track down a computer genius that had hacked into MIT for shits and giggles. Because youth is so easy to kill off in movies. Well, bozo and the gang find themselves in an isolated area...cue something unusual happens. Then the trailer basically states one of these guys has been either infected...or chosen or...now hes subhuman. Not sure. Laurence Fishbourne is in this so I expect him to go all Matrix on this guy's ass.
Current Judgment: This could legitimately be good, granted the execution and build up is well put together and the reveal isn't lame. I expect him to be in contact with some alien species and that would be super bad ass.
Transformers: Age of Extinction
Drop Date: June 27, 2O14
Michael Bay rapes your Transformers childhood one last time in this film that shockingly does NOT star Even Stevens actor, Shia LaBeouf. So in conclusion, maybe this won't be so bad. I was tired of that kid any way. But its OK....you got til the end of summer to recover when Michael Bay rapes your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle childhood as well. The whole movie is about the eradicating the Transformers and it actually looks decent this time. Granted there are no grand daddy robots or racial caricatures of robots in store.
Current Judgment: I wanted to hate this....but Mark Wahlberg is starring and there are FREAKING DINOBOTS! *FIST PUMP* I love dinobots! I WANT MORE ROBOT CARNAGE PORN AND I WANT IT NOW!
Deliver Us From Evil
Drop Date: July 2, 2O14
I'm not really into scary movies, but Eric Bana stars in this crazy flick about an investigation in creepy toys coming to life and demonic possessions. Based on the true story of the bone chilling cases of Ralph Sarchie, a New York detective and the author of "Beware the Night." Who knows, maybe it will be good? The trailer title insinuates that we might see the devil...so I expect an epic battle between Eric and El Diablo.
Current Judgment: I'll probably sit this one out in fear I'll piss my pants. A good, creepy night time crime-paranormal thriller for those of you who are horror junkies.
Drop Date: July 4, 2O14
A famous musician that loses his job and a musician's girlfriend that loses her boyfriend team up to make music together. Whether its under the bridge or through the woods or off to grandma's house they go. Mike Ruffalo and Kiera Knightely star with Adam Levine [who plays a douchy famous musician/singer] and Ceelo Greene [because there always need a cool guy in these kind of films] in a movie about starting over and moving past your crappy life circumstances. Basically its a film about real life except the part where everything works out in the end. That's not real life.
Current Judgment: The jokes in the trailer aren't really that funny, so I give this a half and half chance of staying alive after being gnawed to death by the review brigade. Also....Kiera Knightely's inspirational song is far from inspiring or beautiful. Stick to the Avengers, Mike.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Drop Date: July 11, 2O14
I call this the day where Caesar takes the stand and kills off the rest of us hoomans. I can't wait to watch Andy Serkis act like a chimp for 2 hours and watch Gary Oldman try to kill him off. I am also sad that James Franco is not in this one, so my assumption is that he died off with the rest of the weakness known as humanity. That makes it easier for Caesar to be less conflicted about going on a murdering rampage against the last of our species.
Current Judgment: The trailer doesn't tell us much, but that war is coming between the humans and the apes. I forsee this going to be a baaaaad time for humanity and a good time for us movie goers!
Drop Date: July 18, 2O14
I'll just leave this rotten tomatoes description here:
Jupiter Jones (Kunis) was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people's houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine (Tatum), a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along-her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.
Current Judgment: If that doesn't sound interesting...I don't know what will. The trailer though gives the whole movie the case of the "I don't know if this will suck ass" kind of feel to it. Jupiter Ascending has a grave chance of being super awesome or super shitty with amazing special effects. Either way I want to find out. Also Sean Bean is in this movie...can't wait to find out how Sean Bean dies in this one!
Planes: Fire and Rescue
Drop Date: July 18, 2O14
Because Planes just....won't...diiieeeee. Disney is once again milking your childhood fantasies in another adventure of a group of fliers with personalities that save the day. I wish they would stop making these things and hurry up with Wreck-it-Ralph 2 already! WRECK IT RALPH IS YOUR CASH COW DISNEY!! NOT THIS STUPID PLANE AND CAR BULL SHIT. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!
Current Judgment: Can some one tell Disney this joke isn't funny anymore?
Drop Date: July 25, 2O14
Because....hold on to your butts! Its Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a very tanned Hercules! Watch as Hercules roars and beats stuff up while Hollywood makes it its mission to destroy any retelling resemblance of our mythical Greek hero forever! This has such a Princess Mononoke feel to it that I don't know what to feel...so here is my retelling based on the trailer:
In a world, where Hercules has gone through his 12 trials and has become a sell sword for hire, one King has hired him to lay the smack down on a warlord threatening the land. Join us on a mythical journey of Hercules beating up pigs, Hercules beating up serpents, Hercules beating up lions and wearing its carcass, and Hercules screaming his own name! WATCH HERCULES....the 57th retelling of Greek lore.
Current Judgment: This is going to be a total dude/CGI movie with almost no plot. And if there is a plot...its going to be the most unnecessarily convoluted stupid plot possible. I don't have high hopes on this one, so lets see if it surprises me.
Drop Date: July 25, 2O14
This is about a couple [Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz] that tried to get their mojo back by making a sex tape. And then it was uploaded to the cloud where anyone has a chance to see their naughty bits. Now they must go to great lengths to get it back...or break everyone's shit so nobody gets a chance to see them bumping uglies. I think there should be a damage meter attached to this movie!
Current Judgment: I wanted to like it, but the trailer doesn't inspire. So Im imagining that it will be funny, but very formula like to any comedy where they learn something at the end and horray for sex. But who is actually looking forward to watching Segal and Diaz do it? I'm not.
Guardians of the Galaxy
Drop Date: August 1, 2O14
I am very unfamiliar with this part of the Marvel universe, however the premise intrigues me. A mishmash group of outlaws goes out to save the galaxy, I guess? There was no central plot presented in the trailers, so it will be interesting to see what this is all about.
Current Judgment: Just the raccoon with a weapon alone makes me want to go see this!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Drop Date: August 8, 2O14
TURTLE POWER! Didn't I tell you Michael Bay was going to shit on your childhood some more by the end of summer? Now that I know that they are not aliens, I am looking forward to seeing this reboot version of the Ninja Turtles. I can't imagine this being worse than the original movies which were super cheesy. Remember how the first one had Vanilla Ice in it? GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! Yeah...cant be worse than that. And look, Megan Fox kiss and made up with Michael Bay, awww. She has a part. Her acting career isn't as irrelevant as I thought.
Current Judgment: I will give this one a chance because it actually looks pretty cool. I hope Master Splinter is in this one! You can't have a movie without Master Splinter.
Drop Date: August 8, 2O14
A seriously killer film by the same writer as The Professional/The Fifth Element about a woman who gets kidnapped and forced into transporting a substance that is sewed into her stomach. She gets the shit beaten out of her and something incredible happens. When the substance leaks inside of her, it gives her the ability to have full access to all parts of her brain, creating a super human warrior that takes vengeance on her captors.
Current Judgment: This movie looks freaken amazing!
Lets Be Cops
Drop Date: August 13, 2O14
This is a story of two bros [Nick and Justin] who lead normal, boring lives. One day they decided to dress up as cops for a party and realized how much they could dupe people into believing they had authority. Hilarity ensues, that is until they get too carried away and started showing up at real emergency calls...
Current Judgment: It looks pretty funny in the usual over the top kind of way.
The Expendables 3
Drop Date: August 15, 2O14
Its your favorite action heroes smashed into one movie yet again for a third round of who the hell cares, we got an all star cast! Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Terry Crews, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson and Kelsey Grammer. Yup this will have little plot and still probably rock your socks off and wet your little boy popcorn fantasies.
Current Judgment: All star action cast orgasm can only mean one thing...lots of box office money!
Drop Date: August 15 2O14
The Giver is based on the prize winning novel that you had to suffer through at least once in your schooling career. All joking aside, I actually liked The Giver. It was about a utopian society where conformity was at its highest. People only saw in black and white, had no idea what a hippopotamus looked like, didn't know what war was or what love is. At the age of 12, Jonas had his job ceremony and became the Receiver. His job is to receive the memories of the Giver, but what he received was a much greater gift that turns his world upside down.
Current Judgment: I love Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep, but this trailer looks low quality. I'm not sure how many changes they have made to this story, but I'm not going to have high hopes for this one.
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
Drop Date: August 22, 2O14
I admit, I was not a fan of the first Sin City movie. I watched it for 2O minutes and turned it off. Too much beginning narration killed it for me. However this trailer might change my mind. The story setting is live action comic, very similar to the first as all Frank Miller movies are. It has a great cast including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Mickey Rourke, Eva Green, Jessica Alba, and Danny Trejo.
Current Judgment: Something worth giving a shot, granted they keep the movie well paced and no slow starts.
Jane Got a Gun
Drop Date: August 29, 2O14
The last potential movie of the season...Jane Got A Gun. What a title! However there is no trailer for this one. Sorry folks. Here is what Rotten Tomatoes description states: "Natalie Portman stars in this western concerning a woman who has to defend her home against a group of outlaws." Starring Natalie Portman, Ewan Mcgregor, some Australian dude and Bradley Cooper.
Current Judgment: No trailer means no judgment. You win this round...no trailer movie!
Not a movie...but honorable mention:
Drop Date: April 6 2O14
Its killing season and I am so pumped! *Fist Pump!* ALL MEN MUST DIE! This season is going to be based on A Feast for Crows and I'm super excited to see what is going to happen next. They already caught my interest with the first episode as we see our heroes deal with their own unique problems all over the world of Westeros. My favorite characters so far are Arya Stark, Daenerys Targaryen and Tyrion Lannister. Jaime has kind of grown on me too...he seemed less of a douche when he saved Brienne from their captors even though he didn't have to. I give him props.
Current Judgment: I HOPE THAT LITTLE SHIT, JOFFREY, DIES. And George R.R. Martin better not die before he finishes! HURRY UP DAMN IT! *cracks whip*
YOUR TURN TO SELECT THE VICTIMS:
Put in your votes..which one do you want to see a review on most this season? What movies are you interested in seeing for yourself? Comment below!!
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