Sunday, April 27, 2014

Captain America 2: HAIL HYDRA!

 
Captain America graces the screen once again in a new adventure with Black Widow and Nick Fury, continuing the Marvel Saga in the ever complicated Avengers 2 setup. Time has passed in the Marvel cineverse. Steve Rogers is now working for SHIELD and finding purpose in his new role as team leader. He is catching up with the times and making peace with himself for everything he has missed the past several decades. However his past never seems to leave him, does it?

Down and Dirty: [Just how you like it]

This fight would have been better with Magneto in the picture
The first impression is that this movie is better than the first. I always felt Disney had a knack of getting the right people on board for their work, but this has to be the best Marvel movie of the season. Thor 2 was kind of better than the first, but Captain America 2 was leagues better than its predecessor. The story was well paced, there was plenty of action and it was a good lead into an exciting Avengers movie coming out next year.

Especially with the biggest shock of the comic season, the destruction of SHIELD.  It will be interesting to see how Nick Fury will continue on now that all of his agents went their separate ways and he will no longer get funding considering it was all HYDRA supported any way.

Story: 

Like I stated before, the story was well paced and for the most part pretty good. Steve was always like Superman to me. One of those shining penny "do-gooders" that can't help, but to do good things. I really hate shining pennies because they are too righteous for my taste. It was good to see Steve becoming a fugitive and having to do things he wouldn't normally do while still being Steve. Black Widow, however, is much more comfortable with doing whatever is necessary to keep everyone alive and has little remorse in doing it as well. I thought their pairing added a good flair to the story. Both of them helped each other out in areas where the other was deficient in.

Although the one thing that did bother me was the title "Winter Soldier" which we thought would be focused on Bucky's character, but I was disappointed to find out it didn't. In fact, if you removed Bucky entirely from the film, it would have made no difference at all. It was a strangely remote side plot that had such little effect overall that you could have replaced Bucky and the movie would have still been good. The only thing Bucky really affected was Steve's emotional connection to his past. Something Steve misses considering he is a fish out of water literally everywhere he goes.

Action:

For you action buffs out there, there was plenty of explosions, carnage porn, gun fights, and trash talking in this film. The best parts are really the fights between Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Although there were a couple fights I found to be flat out hilarious. This includes Captain America against what looks like a Russian commando that has a flair for back flips. It took me back to the old days of the age of martial arts movies where the bad guy has to sell his abilities by doing all these crazy kicks before they even start fighting. He kind of looked like a blocky headed Jean Claude Van Damme to me.

He's like a Bond Villain, but more Koch Brothery...
Robert Redford:

This was a total surprise to me. I really haven't seen Robert Redford in any movie in a while. Or maybe I just don't watch Robert Redford movies period. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised to see Robert in the film as the villain. He performed beautifully, straddling both sides of the equation of good and evil, while still being on the side of evil. His arguments were eloquent and convincing.





YOU CAN'T KILL THE FURY!:
This is just a normal day for a brother with money

They tried to kill the fury, they failed. YOU CAN'T KILL SAMUEL L JACKSON! He's going to pop a cap in your ass or sick the Hulk on you. I knew he wasn't dead. I know black people seem to drop like flies in movies, but this is Samuel L Jackson. Nobody kills Samuel L Jackson without Samuel L Jackson's permission. Plus I love Samuel L Jackson...he makes every movie 1OOO% percent better. YES. You can't kill the fury!!


Captain's Log - The Gripes:

1. Hail Hydra:

Why does anyone bother saying this anymore? Doesn't everyone know who is in the Hydra Conspiracy by now? I never liked Senator Stern any way, but did we need to know he was in on the conspiracy? That sounds like a normal day in the life of DC's most wanted. Its just an emphasis on the already existing sentiment that DC is corrupt.

2. For an Assassin His Aim was Shitty:

What kind of assassin carries a dagger on their back?
First off, a traditional assassin never goes out in the open to reveal himself. He is supposed to be a ghost. One minute you hear something, the next you are dead. They were not designed for long term hand to hand combat, unless absolutely necessary.

The main focus is always to fight, then escape so they can set up for the kill again. Second...you are telling me this Assassin can't hit two targets? He has the better aim out of all the goombas that HYDRA hired and he can't knock some one out from several yards away? Maybe the Buckster just needs another round of CBT assassin training and he should be good to go on his requirements.


3. DC Traffic:

Nope, I call bullshit. It is impossible to flow through traffic that easily in DC, even on the sidewalk. I always find movies that are done in major cities like New York and LA hilarious when they attempt a car chase. Also what bugs me is the scene where the Winter Soldier is in the middle of the freeway with a rocket launcher and nobody notices this. Then there is a huge fire-breathing, vehicle-flipping explosion and these cars are passing this shit by like its a minor demonstration for Free the Pandas. You would think they would swerve a bit at least out of courtesy.

4. You Use to be Hot:

This had to have been his face when he first saw her again
Yeah that girl he wanted to go on a date with? Totally decided to friend zone her. What a douche.

I can imagine the conversation now:

Steve: Thanks, but you are wrinkly, old, and apparently not a virgin now. I think its time for me to move onto girls my own age.

Peggy: Steve...you are 95.

Steve: I'm like whiskey, baby...I get better with age! I'm sure the girls will understand.

Peggy: Steve..you are a weapon of SHIELD, you can recall the good ol days when the Nazis took over and you could smoke on the job, you are a magnet for death and destruction and you are married to your work. Nobody is going to want you.

Steve: SHUT UP PEG.

5. The Starks Send Their Regards:

Anyone noticed that the Hydra scientist stated "accidents happen." This is a great lead into Tony's history without ever addressing him in the movie. Is this going to get discussed in the Avengers? I freaken hope so. I want to see Tony beat HYDRA's ass for his father's sake.

He needed a jumping start to throw the shield properly
6. That Shield:

That shield...drives me insane. Not once does it bounce off into a ditch, the ocean, off the freeway or any other random place. It either sticks, boomerangs back or conveniently falls into/on a vehicle for easy retrieval. For once I would like to see him lose that shit for a while because he just irresponsibly tosses it around like its Ultimate Frisbee.

7. Pretty Boy Face without a Scratch:

Until the last 3O minutes of the film, Captain America didn't receive a scratch for almost the entire movie. Including a scene where a missile destroys the entire building that he was in and another where he was running through a bus full of flying glass, scrap metal and bullets. I know we are trying to keep the main character pretty for most of the movie...but seriously? Steve was armorless the majority of the movie. He should be beaten up pretty good even before he Bucky gets to him.

8. BababaBombbombbombbomb:

Which brings me to my next point...a huge missile strikes the facility destroying every bit of concrete, metal and infrastructure support that exists and black widow and the Captain survives because they jumped into a ditch last minute. PLEASE. Nobody can survive that even with his dumpy shield. The shock of the blast could have easily made their insides explode.

9. Hes not the Juggernaut/Wolverine/Thor, people:

Marvel is beginning to confuse Captain America's abilities. I thought he was a super human with super strength, speed and agility. That doesn't mean he can dodge bullets, or fall fifty stories, or crash through concrete walls or survive an airship crash. He even gets shot 4 times and survives easily with all the internal injuries. Not only did he get shot, he finished the mission and pulled Sir Bucky out of the wreckage as the ship came tumbling slowly down like a pretty pink cloud [because apparently the rapid loss of velocity combined with the rumbling chaos from crashing into a building had no effect on the Captain's ability to stroll around the wreckage]. And he DOESNT DIE. DUDE. Hes a genetically modified super human...not wolverine. All of that would have killed him. In fact, this whole movie should have murdered him.

1O. Falcon does not Equal New War Machine:

Its a bird, its a plane...nope its just a black guy with a jet pack
They really tried to make the Falcon like War Machine and it didn't work for me. You are telling me he can avoid 12 heat seeking missiles? I call Shenanigans. Even Tony Stark had to drop flares and ditch. I feel like Falcon is not on the same level as Captain America and felt more like a side-kick than an equal like Tony and Rhodey. They also chose not to emphasize Falcon's special abilities and made him just a dude with a jet pack rather than having that special connection with birds.


11. Apparently Agent Strovenoff Von Nice Rack is Julian Assange:

So I am assuming they are making this the LAST Marvel movie leading up to the Avengers next summer. And SURPRISE...SHIELD is gone! All of their agents went their seperate ways. Including the Captain, that is now off chasing Bucky while Black Widow is trying to find a new Identity [and a new movie...hint]. And I hope that show Agents of SHIELD dies along with it.

Sorry Hawk Eye, I'm ditching you for a bigger man.
12. Is it Hot in Here?:

Black Widow was so macking on Steve....but he was such a bitch! Whenever its "Steve" at the helm of his sex life...its like City of Virgins down there.

He's so doey-eyed innocent. I think he might have been disgusted he wasted his first kiss alive on a hot agent trying to keep them from dying. I think that's the perfect reason to kiss some one. Death imminent...KISS ME YOU FOOL!


Black Widow: I want to hop on your pogo stick.

Steve:  Ah shucks, gee willikers, ma'am. I don't have a pogo stick, but I can sure buy one for you if you need it for a mission.

Black Widow: *SIGH*

Come on Steve, its the 21st century, THIS WOMAN DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO FIND BUCKY'S FILE SO YOU CAN BE SWELL PALS. And I assume you still haven't discovered the wonderful world of free internet porn yet because if you did, you would never leave your room again.

SHIELD Agent: Captain! Captain! Thanos is invading!

Captain America: Don't care, there is a midget with two dolphins and this guy is watching it.

Nick Fury: Captain, Ultron is destroying the unive...oh my lord, what the hell happened to this room? Also what is that nasty stench? Is that shit in a bucket?

Captain America: Hold on damn it, this woman is just about to have sex on a unicycle suspended on a tight rope with three dogs on her shoulders.

Nick Fury: *SIGH*

13. Random Super Agent SHIT:

Twice in this movie agents just randomly pop out of no where. I know agents of SHIELD are supposed to be the best at what they do, but what the hell people! You want me to believe Agent Von Nice Rack smuggled out the old lady hostage from a room that clearly had NO way to sneak out, took her clothes [or shes in the bathroom dead and naked...who knows], and then planted herself in the room? Thats not only crap, thats super crap. And why didn't every other agent do that in the movie? This would have been handled a long time ago if they pulled these stunts. WHERE ARE YOU...AGENTS OF SHIELD? Too busy to defend the nation? Assholes.

14. Falcon's Gas Tank:
John Woo must have directed this scene...

NEVER RUNS OUT. That thing looks crude as crap...you are telling me that he has that much gas to fly that thing for that long? Nope. Not buying it. Also I am confused on its origins. Was it Air Force technology or Army technology? Because if it was Air Force technology, why was it stored on an Army installation?

15. So We Meet Again...on a Slim Walkway Suspended in the Air:

Every time Ive seen movies where there is a final battle between good and evil...its always in the most inconvenient places ever. Like a narrow walkway where anyone can fall off and die. But they never do because that wouldn't be fun. Actually...I think this happened in Captain 1 as well. Didn't Red Blow Pop Face also fight Steve in a similar setting? Or at least burn down the walkway? I can't remember anymore.

16. You'll die!:

Colbie Smulders...you took a good 8 miliseconds of mortal guilt before you hit that button when Steve insisted. You are a bad friend.

17. Black Widow is the Only Reason Rogers is Still Alive:
BCGs, the super hero's tool for becoming anonymous

As Rogers became a fugitive on the run, there were countless close calls that were thwarted by Agent Von Nice Rack's clever thinking. Yes, he is big and buff and can beat ass, but he can't do it forever and he sucks at laying low.

At some point these bad guys are going to get the bright idea of attacking him all at once and then he's definitely doomed. I really wonder what would happen to Rogers if Von Nice Rack would have been his enemy? He would have been Robert's bitch for the rest of the movie.

18. The Easy Way Out:

OK, so Nick Fury uses this acid shit to eat away at the car and run away from the popo [not possible in an upside down car without being noticed, but sure...lets go with that]. Well, Steve, Colbie and the gang do the same trick in a MOVING VAN and managed to hijack another van to go to SHIELD's alternative location. How did this happen again?

How is it possible to dump through the bottom in the middle of traffic without being noticed? Lets say they stopped at a traffic light along the way [it is DC after all and traffic only seems convenient when the plot says so]....they would only have a few minutes for all four of them to drop through the bottom. Now they only have two choices, either roll off to the side [which they could inevitably be spotted in the rear view mirror] or they could low crawl toward the back of the vehicle. This would take way too much time for four people to accomplish at one traffic light. So let me ask again, how could this have happened?

19. Wow You Killed Everyone in the Room Now You Can't....Wait, Never Mind:

Brock realized pokemon were stupid and became a Nazi instead
So there is a scene where pretty much everyone in the control room is murdered by the bad guys after a stand off between HYDRA and SHIELD agents. You would figure nobody could possibly launch the floating fortresses of doom now, but you're wrong.

Hydra goon, Brock, still manages to launch them because well, screw it, we need a final battle scene and lots of shit to destroy for your movie watching pleasure. This also happens quite a few times with Black Widow as well. Nobody knows how to operate...wait Black Widow just happens to know how to break in. All of these agents are not just assassins, they are also apparently brilliant hackers. Who would have thunk it?

2O. VA Dude Tags Along:

Hey dude I just met while running and works at the VA, you can totally come along on my adventures. Don't worry, we will steal your wings for you, so you can fly around to create more plot conveniences for us. Seriously, Marvel, who just blabs away all of SHIELD's highly classified problems? Steve Rogers does.

21. You, Hydra Guy, on the Roof. NOW.:

So Steve, Black Widow and VA Dude kidnap a Hydra member to threaten him into telling them their evil plans. Wouldn't somebody have noticed this flunky was gone? Also the Senator just walked away only a minute ago. Couldn't he run to him for safety? Also how come nobody noticed VA dude flying around after saving evil flunky from dying? In the Marvel universe, nobody ever seems to notice out of the ordinary things at all. I guess people are just like, "Nope, none of my business. I'm just going to get a donut and never mention this to anyone."

Carnage Porn. You're welcome.
22. Eliminating Terrorists Everywhere:

So SHIELD aka Hydra's plan was using flying gunships to take out terrorists before they even plot to hurt anyone. How is this shit not illegal? Where is the due process? You are telling me you are just going to go out and murder a shit ton of people and go "You're Welcome, America." Who is funding this? Enron?

23. Why do They Keep Making These Things?:

Didn't SHIELD have a flying fortress in the Avengers? Why the hell do they keep making these things? They can't be that cheap and besides that...they are easy to find and destroy. We discovered that flaw in the Avengers movie. Shouldn't SHIELD be a bit more subtle than that? This can't possibly be good for the environment.


So overall, there were quite a few holes that could have been fleshed out better, but irregardless I still stick to my original thoughts. This was much better than the first and I think Captain America alone is a considerably boring character archetype. However with Black Widow and Nick Fury in the mix, he seems to do pretty well as an interesting person considering the circumstances they put him in. I really can't wait for him to catch up to Bucky and team up together in the Avengers! A girl can only wish.

What did you think of the new Captain America movie? Comment Below!

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DnD Rating: 8/1O

Extra Goodies in the Bag? Oh yes. Marvel gives us its traditional two scene twist affair. One teaser a little after the credits start and another teaser AFTER the credits finish. The better one of the two is the first...the other one is just an unclosed thread.


 The Big OMG moment: In case you are wondering who those two people were in the after credits scene. That's Quicksilver [Aaron Taylor-Johnson] and Scarlet Witch [Elizabeth Olsen]. Yes....Magneto's kids. FIGURE OUT THAT DISNEY/FOX CROSS OVER. However they are not mutants...so the fun begins on how Disney will explain the origins of the twins. HAIL HYDRA!

5 comments:

  1. Yay! You finally saw it!

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  2. You forgot to mention that Falcon should have been paralyzed, if not killed, from the shitty landing he did. Lol. Funny article!

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    Replies
    1. I did. I totally forgot that whole scene. I admit, I was tipsy when I saw this movie and it was the latest showing they had. I'm more impressed I remembered anything at all. heh.

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