Monday, May 5, 2014

The Amazing Spider Man 2: Roll Credits! Oh are not done yet?

Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves- just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-man. And came he did, with a long running time of 2 hours and 22 minutes, this film is so bloated with fluff and poorly used story mechanisms, even the author of Fifty Shades of Grey would not approve. I can only conclude it was minced to death by Sony execs to the point that it barely represented the story it was and hobbled into theaters as the story it is.

Down and Dirty [Just how you like it]:

*Sigh* What a buzz kill this movie was. All of the best moments were literally in the trailer, so if all of you want to know the essence of the movie, just watch the trailer and you will be good to go. The rest was not that important in the grand scheme of things. This had the most unnecessary convoluted plot possible with not one, not two, but three bad guys that appeared, but two out of the three barely got any running time. We don't even get a team up of bad guys, they choose to separate their battles for no reason at all. Sony just doesn't know how to make a Spider-man movie and could really take a lesson or two from Disney who seem to get better and better with the Marvel films they put out. To wrap this up, I would say it was only an "OK" movie and not something I would not be jumping out of my chair to recommend people to go see. If it was 4O minutes shorter, it would have been a decent film. Not a great film, but a decent one. And Sony really needs to stop stuffing bad guys into these films like a fat kid stuffing cake in his mouth.

Spidey hitches a ride with front row seats

I would like to start off the review on a some what positive note. The humor in this film was great and I really enjoyed the cheekiness of the new Spider-man. He's fun to watch. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Peter Parker and even though I was surprised at his pick, I have to agree that he is a much better Spider-man than Tobey Maguire. The humor was probably the best thing in this film. Especially the moments where you hear the spider-man theme ring tones. Unfortunately that is where the film stops in light of the fun.


The story was so convoluted, I wondered how the post-production team didn't pull all of their hair out before the film was completed. You had a back and forth love drama going, Peter's problem with Harry dieing, Electro's messy nonsense, dealing with Aunt May's problems, and then the whole issue with wanting to know the truth about his father. It was just too many things to follow and the order that we followed it in didn't build an arc, but more of a small town roller coaster that gave you the biggest thrill right in the middle and then lots of little lumpy thrills at the end.

The whole film was clearly 4O minutes too long. The longest wrap up in history. Trust me...I looked at my phone around the time I thought the film should have ended and we still were barely at two hours. I don't mind long films, but there was a lot of post battle shit that went on and on and on. The summary of the story was Peter gives up on life for a good year [it was 5 months but the went through all four I thought it was a year] after Gwen's death and then eventually returns to defeat Rhino...which only had a good ten minutes of film time. I wish they kept this film light and lean. The fact that they made it dramatically dark after she dies might have been a bit too much, but considering she was running away to England, I guess she had to be killed, right? Spider-man can't leave New York. That's where all the monsters and baddies converge to destroy shit.


This is one of the few times I will have to say the music was...weird. They tried to make the battle at the power station mix with the music and all it did was create confusion. I was getting confused if Electro was actually saying the words or that was the singer singing the lyrics in the background music. Don't do that shit, Sony! Also...I felt the music where Peter and Gwen met up was very "take my breath away" cheesy like.

One of the coolest slo-mo shots in the movie

Nobody steals Slo-mo from 3OO. NOBODY! They slo-moed the shit out of every battle in that movie to the point that I was like "here we go again" [cue eye roll]. Despite this, the electricity shots are pretty awesome and fun to watch. I really liked the color blends they chose and the way they reconstructed Electro each time he had to reform. The graphics were decent in the film, but the aftermath of said graphics sometimes didn't match up. Such as the whole battle sequence between Spider-man and Electro at the power station. They must have knocked out like fifteen towers and for some reason all of them were still up with minimal damage when they finished.

My Spidey Senses Has Counted the Sins!:

1. NYPD's 15 Vehicle Car Chase:

I guess it was a slow day for the NYPD. No need to chase gang bangers or deal with giving out traffic tickets for threatening violent sodomy on the guy who cut you off. Nope, they had all the time in the world to chase a guy who stole a truck. Instead of splitting up and cutting this crazy Russian carjacker off at the intersections, they all proceeded to chase him from behind like this is drag racing or Boston marathoning.  This is a great way to reaffirm to our youth that the police are incompetent and never trust them to ever get your car back. Just wait for your favorite super hero to come save you instead.

2. The Viles that Nobody Cared About:

So what were the viles for in the beginning chase scene? Plutonium? Also if the viles were that important, why did crazy guy not care if they were bouncing around while he drove around the city? Also...who the hell puts plutonium in small, possibly breakable viles? Shouldn't this truck be fully loaded with dudes with weapons if it was that important? Whoever was Chief of Security of Trucks should be fired. They should hire Happy in their place. Happy is a person who gets things done. Just like Joe Pesci.

Thats definitely a jheri curl fighting with a spider on his head
3. Pocket Protector Pens are Pocket Protected:

Nothing says nerd like a few pens in a shirt pocket right? Well how about 7 pens stuffed in a shirt pocket? This dude had pens stuffed in there like he was stealing them in bulk from Office Max. There was absolutely no reason he needed his entire pen portfolio hanging off his chest.

4. Nerd Alert:

I really dislike the nerd look people portray so much. Thick rimmed glasses, buck teeth, pens in the pocket, and whats up with that rad comb over? Do black men even do that in their old age? I thought that was exclusively a white man's crippling desire to keep the last strands of youth on top of their head.
5. Ill Walk Myself Out:

FAIL. This is bad guy 1O1 man. You never let your enemy go like that! Harry should have been escorted all the way down the stairs and into a cop car. That is the only way you win, evil board of directors dude. You win by making sure that little shit punk doesn't wander around his own building free after he supposedly betrayed the organization. Isn't there a handbook for this shit? Why is evil so dumb?

Let there be LIGHT! And Bad Assery.
6. Electrocuted on Electric Avenue:

How is Peter's organs not fried with a side of apple butter from getting electrocuted so much? He got his face electrocuted and his body electrocuted and his hands electrocuted. They make it look like he just got some mad static shock, because he recovered way too quick for his own good.

Come on Sony...he should have been constantly in pain. Getting electrocuted hurts like hell. Also he should have NEVER been able to escape Electro's attacks. Electricity runs extremely fast. The only person who should have been able to compete with Electro in speed is Quicksilver.

7. Harry is Scary:

Could we not have an uglier looking villain? They really over played the goblin look on Harry to the point that he was outrageously hideous and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. He even snatched Dorothy...I mean Gwen up for kicks. I didn't really imagine the effects of the venom would have been that dramatic that they changed his facial expression and his douchey hipster haircut for a punky/aphex twin's "come to daddy" look.

8. His Past:

So Peter gets dumped and he becomes all emo and sulky. Finally he gets the idea to start going through his father's stuff, because hey we have something to relate to now, right? Also why are there 35 pictures of Gwen on his wall? Is this guy really that obsessed with her? Damn. A bit stalkerish this one is.

Who the hell is this guy?
9. Goblin Suit:

So Harry gets down to the super secret place and gets injected with the super spider venom. After his victorious grin emerges, Harry realizes he made a mistake and falls from the painful venom while the evil director schmuck that unwillingly helped him bails, hits the emergency button and leaves him there to die. You would figure everything would seal off but instead the doors open to the magical goblin suit with open arms. And some how in the midst of all the madness and struggle crawling, Harry is now magically standing in the suit in the next shot when he clearly was barely able to get off the ground. Can we say, fire the video editor? Also, how did he know the suit would help him from dying?

1O. 5 second Goblin Chase:

We barely got much of the Green Goblin and only after Electro died off. Why put the big battle before the smaller one? Why sony? why? They needed to team up!

11. Apparently Harry has Spidey Senses too:

How did Harry figure out Gwen was Peter's ex-girlfriend? Peter never mentions her name, hes never seen her before, and he never saw her talking with him before she ran into him in the elevator. How does he know this is the one out of hundreds of employees that roam the building?

I just noticed they digitally removed the bulge from his suit
12. Peters Voice:

This really kills me. How does Harry not possibly know Spider-man is Peter Parker? The voice gives it away. I can't imagine Harry would think Spider-man would be any other person since Peter some how made their meeting happen. I know Peter seems weak and unsuspecting, but I am sure the thought had to have popped into his head at some point.

13. Electric Eels Plus High Voltage = Electro?:

PLEASE tell me how this is possible. Those eels were eating him alive in that tank. So you are telling me the shock of the electricity in the water plus modified super eels just makes him an electrical entity with pants? I'm the Queen of Believing in pseudo-science, but this is just considerably far fetched from other transformations. He is the equivalent of if you peeled back the skin off of a smurf with super powers.

Also how did 9 people not notice Electro pulling off the grate right in front of them and grabbing the electrical wires underneath? I mean he's a black dude [well more blue...but you get what I mean]. White pedestrians should automatically assume because he is wearing a hoodie he is out to take their babies and steal their investment portfolios. Also cops smell a black dude doing wrong from hundreds of miles away. They are like flies on shit. Even when the black dude is just THINKING of doing something wrong a cop car rolls up. Are you saying racism doesn't exist in the Spider-man universe? ESPECIALLY in a place like New York?

I wonder if you plug him in if his head lights up...
14. Apparently the Suit and Spanx Come with the Electricity:

I know Sony is trying not to be crass, but HAHA he's got nut huggers! The dude should be flat out naked every time he zips through a wall socket. However he some how comes with his own set of clothes. That's as incredible as the Hulk's pants surviving every time he transforms into the green fists of rage. Or Captain America's pants being the perfect length after growing a foot and gained steroid size muscles.

15. Super Secret Train Lab?:

The video clearly was filmed from his home, but some how it was on his computer at the lab. Why? We've seen him make the confession, but how did he find time to pass it to the computer before he got on the plane and died? This was in an isolated train station after all. And if Peter never broke the calculator, he would have never known the truth. How would Richard Parker know Peter would figure out where the train was? Wasn't this a risky scheme to begin with? In a normal universe Peter would have trashed Dad's old stuff and never figured out what happened. This is poor planning on his father's part.

After a date on the bridge, Peter takes her to the SAW party
16. The Most Unromantic Spot Ever:

Does Peter ever think for a second that Gwen may not want to be a place where she might be thinking of dying? Like the very top of a bridge that I am sure moves a bit from the wind, the earth's rotation, maybe the sand shifting or birds shitting? I know this was supposed to be a masterful scene of love finally coming together so you can all crush us later, but I don't think many women would love to be placed in a position where if the wind farts we can fall to our doom. A park would have done just fine.

17. Stolen Police Car:

So Gwen steals a police car....why is half of NYPD not chasing her for this?! Oh you chase a criminal for plutonium vials, but one police car gets stolen like GTA and nobody cares suddenly? Christ.

18. Im late, but they loved me!: 

Gwen is the only person in the universe that was late for an interview and still got the position. What kind of people just let some one be late for a interview, have a whole conversation in the hallway and still give them the opportunity? More hungrier, on time people want this more, Gwen. I think you lied so Peter can want you back! If this was Glenn Gary Glenn Ross this would have never gone down like that. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking of the best speeches in movie history to kick you out of loserville: [fast forward to 1 min in]

19. Power Station Recovery:

So how did the entire city get all of its electricity back again? You can't tell me Spider-man packaged everything in a nice neat bow and saved the day. I call shenanigans on that one. There were like 15 electrical transformers that got knocked out during their battle. I say that place should have been holy shit destroyed. Also why was the power button under a padlock and the dead guy had the key in his hand? What was he planning to do before his death? He would have never known Electro was coming even if he could turn it off. Also why is the fate of the entire city's electricity dependent on one dude with a padlock key? Doesn't that seem extremely irresponsible of Oscorp?

2O. Why is New York Dependent on One Power Station?:

I know they briefly mentioned that Oscorp was the soul supplier of the city's electricity, but who the hell would put the city's entire electrical grid in one place? Why was there not several stations that existed and backup points for emergency services? Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff? Also its New would figure they would be prepared for any kind of terrorism. You know?

21. Gwen's Death:

I was going to be so pissed if she was still alive after seeing her crack her head hard on the concrete. I'm glad she died. Not because I'm glad she died, but I'm glad they didn't pull a fast one on us and made her alive some how. Also...Gwen is a stupid cow. Peter told her this shit was dangerous...and she didn't care because she's being a stubborn girlfriend. Oh Gwen. Now you done it. Left the series open for another Mary Jane to swoop in and coddle the heart of our hero....and get in all sorts of trouble. I guess Emma Stone wanted out of her contract? I would too if I made this movie.
Thanks to modern CGI, he looks nothing like this

22. Not Really in the Movie:

The last five seconds we finally get to see Rhino and the movie ends. Rhino was never meant to have a mechanical suit from I understand, so it was very awkward to see him in one.

Also, why would OSCORP spring him out to wreck the city? Are they trying to find the whereabouts of Peter Parker or draw him out? I mean, there is a thing called the internet. Peter couldn't be hiding in that many places, right? Now that he knows who Spider-man really is, Peter should be easy to find.

So overall I have to say that this movie just didn't impress me. I'll admit, I've never been a huge Spider-man fan, but that doesn't stop me from liking a movie. So I say Sony is never going to get this right if they haven't gotten it right by now. They keep making the same mistakes, forcing too many emotions in a film that had no idea what to feel in the first place. Too little character development and too quick of a ramp up caused the story to feel unevenly paced and chaotic. If they had not tried to stuff three villains in the same movie and thrown in too many plot conveniences [which I feel is a sign of story teller weakness], the story might have been good with just Electro alone. The Goblin is overplayed and apparently never played right. Let it die, Sony.

What did you think of the Amazing Spider-man 2? Did you think it was better than the first?

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DnD Rating: 5/1O

After Credits: Yes, there is one special clip a little after the credits start. Oddly enough, it has NOTHING to do with Spider-man. I still don't get it.

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