Sunday, May 18, 2014

Godzilla: Perpetuating the Reality that FEMA Still Sucks at Disaster Relief

All Hail the KING! Godzilla roars into theaters and I was so ready for a monster/disaster film to make up for that awful 1998 version of "GINO" [Godzilla In Name Only]. This movie goes back to the core of what Godzilla was about. He isn't just some monster wrecking the city, he's a monster that battles other monsters who wreck the city while also wrecking the city. And he's also the people's monster, fighting for the good of the land while being mistaken as a non-cuddly version of Barney. Godzilla has shown that he is an alpha predator, a shark in the water, and a MUTO stomping, shit kicking hero of the lands.

The Angels of Death Have Arrived
Down and Dirty [just how you like it]:

So what can I say about this movie? It was pretty awesome. One of the best films I had seen in a while. This is one of the rare moments where expectations meet fulfillment and I love me some carnage porn. There is so much carnage porn I was wondering when the Jaegars/Gundams/Mechas/Giant Robots were going to come out to play.

The story was great, we got to see a lot of Godzilla battling the forces of evil, everything gets destroyed and we even get to see some G rated MUTO mating. Aww they nuzzled when they met, that's so cute! The only thing I have to say about this movie are the characters. Compared to the awesomeness of Godzilla, everyone was practically a co-star and boring ones at that. The best character was honestly crazy ass Bryan Cranston, giving one of the best performances of this movie, and he dies way too quick for us to get to know his character better. His son, Ford, however, is incredibly emotionless, boring, serious and not up to snuff [sorry Aaron Taylor Johnson...this just wasn't your movie]. If you are looking for a good disaster flick this season, Godzilla will delight!


The story is pretty intense. It starts with a disaster and ends with a happy ending...after four cities have been demolished. The story is about a man who lost his wife to a tragic accident at the power plant they both work at due to an earthquake. Years later the husband continues his madness by trying to discover the truth of the cause of his wife's death. His son, Ford is now in the United States Navy as an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Officer and has a stable life with his wife and son back in San Francisco.

Ford goes back to Japan when he gets a call that his father was arrested for trespassing. So he heads back to bail him out and tries to convince him to come back with him to the US. However his father, convinced that the Japanese are covering up the power plant accident, convinces Ford to head back to Janjira to get the data from their home and finally put this to rest. Until....they get arrested and taken to the plant where a giant egg is being fed radiation in secret by Project M.U.T.O and two purposes converge. Then shit goes to hell and then the monster hunt begins!


We are onto you Bryan. We know you act like Hal backstage.
The characters could have been a bit more interesting. I am generally conflicted though. The movie is really about Godzilla, so you don't want to take the spotlight away from him. But Lt Brody could have been way more interesting than how he was portrayed. Everyone seemed like supporting actors and their development was bland if not totally lifeless, and unmemorable.

Aaron Taylor Johnson really seemed out of place in a military uniform, except the fact that he buffed up for the role. Bryan Cranston was the best thing about this movie, but we strangely didn't get enough of him even though he is plastered on every trailer out there.


Super carnage porn and awesome monster disaster footage is sprawled all over this film. It takes a while to get to the moment Godzilla submerges from the sea, but its well worth it. There is destruction in Japan, Las Vegas, Honolulu and San Francisco. Golden Gate Bridge? Yeah. What bridge? Monsters be breaking through like its chicken wire. The CGI is definitely great in this film. The only thing I would have to comment is the MUTO's feet. They were...weird at best. But Godzilla was pretty damn impressive with those phat dino hips!

This reminds me of a a turtle with mountains on its shell

Freaken gnarly! Best design ever. He looks just like the original, but way better. And the best part is he had the most awesome Mortal Kombat finishing move. Shit fire in your opponents mouth and rip their head off as a trophy! The whole room clapped when he started using his infamous atomic flame attack.

I also love it that they got Ken Watanabe to star in this movie just to say "Godzilla" with a Japanese accent. He totally speaks perfect English until he accents the shit out of the name "Godzilla" or should I say Gojira? Love it. Nobody else dared use that name, but him. It was HIS word.

Noted Cool Shit: 

Did anyone noticed the word "Mothra" on the fish tank? Yeah that was pretty cool. Too bad that MUTO wasn't Mothra. Sad face.

One of the best shots in the film
Toho, the original production company who created the Godzilla films, had a hand in producing this movie. They even provided the sound clip of the original Godzilla roar which was improved on for the film.

For Godzilla's fighting style, the special effects department studied the fighting style of bears and komodo dragons.

Godzilla which derived from the pronunciation of "Gojira" or "Gozira" is actually a hybrid word that is in-between the Japanese words for gorilla and whale.

Deep Water Thoughts:

This is less a list of complaints, but more commentary as I thought the movie was great...but all movies have a few flaws....shall we count the ways?

They are looking in the one area that's Asian. Racists.
1. The Military Sure Knows How to Make Things Worse:

I love the compentency level of the military in these movies. It always seems to be around saving lives, but they always manage to make screw things up. Does anyone ever have an op plan for shit like this? I think the force uses any excuse to go nuclear whenever possible. When monsters strike the city, you can always count on the military to:

Option A. Shoot at it...even though it doesn't work, hasn't worked, and continues not to work.

Option B. Hit it with bombs even though its more like a bird taking a crap on your head. Its unpleasant and annoying, but doesn't effect things large enough to throw seismic temper tantrums.

Option C. Nuke that bitch and get it over with [even though radiation is their food source and that's like dumping ice cream into their lap].

Or Even better...the AF has a plan:

Air Force Reassures Public it can Defeat Godzilla

2. Heisenberg's Wife is like a Teleporter:

I distinctly remember his wife had only started walking down the tunnel when they started noticing something wrong. You would think the first sign of a major shake, everyone would be bolting back instead of waiting for shit to break. However when they discovered a leak and her group had to run, they ran for a good ten-fifteen minutes down that hall and still didn't make it. That's like an Air Force PT test right there. There is no way she could have gone in a mile and a half already in that short of a time. Also...what is the point of having suits if they aren't going to protect you from a major leakage? And dude...she died on your birthday? Man...God is a dick to Heisenberg.

Her entire purpose was to say happy birthday and die...
3. Reused Looping Footage:

Also....with the gas leak running scene, they totally reused that footage over and over and over again. I thought something was up when that same hallway like gas flurry looked oh so similar every time. And strangely as that smoke was chasing them, they were able to keep up even when they fell? Nope. That should have caught up with them as soon as they fell and tried to get off the ground.

4. Some Dude With Goggles Got In the Movie:

Yeah some guy with googles just took up the whole screen in the beginning. Who does he think he is? Famous? pfft.

5. Missing Scenes:

There were scenes in the trailer that were cut out of the movie. The part where Godzilla is roaring as the doors close [the doors do close on Godzilla, but he is fighting with his opponent] and the part where Lt Brody asks, "Can we kill it?"Also they clipped part of the speech Bryan Cranston did in the trailer too. They extracted a line out of it in the final cut. How did I even notice this? I've only seen the trailer like 15 times and each variation of Godzilla's trailers almost has the same scenes in it.

6. Gas Masks...Who Needs Them?:

I am amazed at how many people just pop off their gas masks in this movie like its no big deal. I mean you aren't wearing thick, scratchy, hot MOPP gear just for shits and giggles. You are wearing it because radiation poisoning is a bad mofo. This is the 3OO helmet situation all over again. I know we all want to see the actor's pretty faces, but geezus people, does anyone read the safety manual? Ever?

This love machine looks like Aliens had sex with Goro
7. Pokemon! Gotta catch Em All!:

I swear to God the MUTOs look like Pokemon. I was waiting for Ash Ketchum to pop up from
around the corner with Pikachu to do battle and try to capture those impressive creatures with a legendary super ball. Then after their victory, they will high five each other and Ash will be like "All right Pikachu! We did it!" and Pikachu will scream in excitement, "Pika pi!" and wait...I'm totally getting carried away with this comment point.

8. Broken Promises:

They never addressed the broken promise Lt Brody gave to his son that he would be there the next day. In fact...he broke a LOT of promises in this movie. I'm fairly sure his child is going to grow up to be a drug addict. Yup. Drug addict.

9. Instant Uniform:

So Lt Brody gets rifted with the Army and needs a uniform because...nobody will take him seriously without one? And what do you know, they have a spare for the Navy guy! WOWS. Thanks Army Dudes. We are like hundreds of miles from the closest base, but you are total bros. Also I expected the Army guys to call Lt Brody a seaman as much as possible. Damn...opportunity missed!


And after the King of Beasts had a thrilling romp through the city and bitch slapeth his winged, spider foes to the next stone age. Our King taketh a nap near the pier and a well deserved rest for saving half of the city so all the gays can rejoice and keep on rockin their Andrew Christian underwear. The End.

It is a miracle they had his size...
11. The Man that Wouldn't Die

So Lt Brody goes through some pretty screwed up events in the time line of the movie. He jumps from a very high set of train tracks into a river. He miraculously does not break his legs or back in the process. He got swept away with a entangled mess of steel and wood and was the lone survivor. And then he served up some scrambled MUTO eggs and got twerk blasted a good 1OO feet forward. And some how he still gets to keep everything. Damn dude. Bionic man, much?

12. Heisenberg is SO not in this movie!

The trailers REALLY focus on Bryan Cranston a lot like he is in this movie. The guy dies like 3O minutes into it and the rest of the story is carried on by his bore of a son. ZZZZzzzz Ford. Who names their kids after cars? pfft.

13. Where Did That Picture Come From?

When Lt Brody was onboard the aircraft before his jump he pulls out a picture of his wife and kid. First off...who keeps physical pictures anymore and how in the world did he manage to get it? And even if he had it the entire did that photo survive after all the shit he went through?

14. Excuse me, Pardon me, Sorry! Coming through:

Damn military. Why the hell are you in Godzilla's way? He was trying to be polite and dive deeper to avoid capsizing your stupid ships, but all of your bo-ats were totally cock blocking him from passing. MOVE. Its your fault your ships flipped. You think your dumb ships are going to stop him from moving you out of the way like a toy in a child's bathtub? Also for a monster...he was very polite. After he finished his nap, he gently got up, walked back into the water and left. What a GGG, Godzilla was.

And the Best Christmas Lights of 2O14 go to...
15. MUTO Chandelier Eggs:

That was a pretty display MUTO female produced, but how could one make the missile look like that without sticking it up her hooha and shitting eggs on it? Also...we totally didn't get a chance to see prehistoric softcore monster porn with some love tracks from the master, Barry White. MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!

16. Finally! We Found the Sub!:

I'm so happy for them that they found that random Russian nuclear submarine, but long has that shit been hanging there? Does nobody hike in Hawaii? And how did this sub get there again? Did MUTO do some spearfishing off the coast of the Kamchatka Peninsula and pick up a sub sandwich on his way into town?

17. Man's Best Friend's Contract Ends Today:

The dog that ran from the tidal wave, would have been gone FAR before the humans would have ever noticed something was up. Like I told my friend, if you see animals all running in ONE direction, FOLLOW THEM! Drop whatever donut you are eating and run you fools!

18. This Guy Can't Catch a Break:

Everywhere Lt Brody goes...those things follow him. Japan, Hawaii and then California? Shit dude. If I were Lt Brody I would quit my job and live as a hermit as far inland as I could get to keep away from those things.

19. I am Running On the Railroad, All the Live Long Day:

Just walking on those tracks with wide spacing was hard enough for the Army....then they had to run? Oh no. That isn't possible in a panic. I was expecting some one to fall through, but nope, MUTO-SAN ate them instead.

This disaster looks super familiar....
2O. And They Stopped Everyone on the Bridge...WHY?:

Everyone is trying to escape from the city with busloads of people and the police are blocking the bridge. WTF San Francisco Police. This is not a time to be cordoning shit off, assholes. In a few seconds there isn't going to BE a Golden Gate Bridge!

21. Everyone in This Movie is Deaf:

There were multiple times character's in this film were surprised to see something behind him. Such as the Japanese Police at the old Brody home..and the monsters SNEAKING up on them. I mean...these things just breath and shit explodes. How can they not hear or feel these things walking around?

Oh yeah..Godzilla's Kaiju bros broke this shit a year ago
22. Goth Asian:

HA. Goth Asian. Sorry. I had to add that one.

23. Annnnnnddd...we lost him:

The Navy had to have known Godzilla was just messing with them and letting them escort him around for fun before he took off.

Godzilla: Oh hey fellas. Nice Bo-ats you got there. OH. Sorry. Spotted my prey. TTYL BYES!

Deep submerge...TAKES OFF LIKE A SHARK.

Yeah funny.

The markings are to assure you don't confuse it with RAID
25. I Quit:

Once you start seeing F-35s and F-15s fall out of the sky...that's when you start considering putting in your separation paperwork. Yeah...screw that. When they said, "All threats, foreign and domestic," I didn't think they meant katamari sized monsters shitting on the city. That looks like a big cup of NOPE to me.

So overall, I give this movie a big double thumbs up. It was everything I would expect out of a monster movie and they didn't skimp on the destructive force of the battle scenes. Which is what we all came to see, isn't it? Godzilla 2O14 had a strong Pacific Rim/Jurassic Park feel at times, but still kept to its own design. Going back to the heart of what made Godzilla defining and memorable. He wasn't just another stupid monster, he was a monster that people could empathize with. So if you want to have a rampaging good time, I highly recommend Godzilla!

What did you think of the new Godzilla movie?

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After Credits?: Nope. Don't bother waiting.


  1. Thanks for the shout-out (Dude With Goggles Got In the Movie)! Hollywood Oak, baby! AHEM.

    I agree that Mr. Say-My-Name Heisenberg was the best part of the movie, and should have had more screen time. You made a lot of good points, chief among them that Lt. Brody should have been FUCKED up from that water landing. When will Hollywood stop having people magically survive events that would normally turn people into blood pudding?

    And, the comment about MUTO looking like Aliens had sex with Goro? Priceless.

  2. Haha. Of course I had to add you in or it would not be a complete review!