Monday, October 27, 2014

The Originals: Plenty of Snark and Exposition for Teens Everywhere



The Originals, a spin off of the Vampire Diaries is about the original vampire family that came to New Orleans many years ago to create a home for themselves. Something bad happens, they are chased off and now they have returned over some creepy vampire, werewolf love baby.

Down and Dirty [Just How You Like It]:

*Sigh*. This has to be the most confusing experience of a show I had ever seen. The characters spout so much exposition that it pisses me off. Narration is rampant at times and everyone is snarky and has "fun" quips between each other that are so cheesy I just want to puke. The acting is also piss poor and amateurish. However the scenes are cut well enough into bite size cliff hangers that show a some what interesting plot line in the mess of relatively stupid characters and shitty one liners. You can tell this show was made for teens and not adults. I'm imagining the writing team is filled with club moonlighting, college females and geek lore, hipster men. Although this show is just awful for a good 3/4 of the first season, it does end on a rather decent note. Apparently the writers found a sense of pacing toward the end and not just continue with the mantra of "dumb characters do dumb shit."

Acting:

This looks like a terrible incarnation of Vampire the Masquerade. The acting is unbelievably lame and indescribably poor. Its like they picked some young actors and taught them how to act better over the course of the show. Everyone's snarky! Everyone trades the best quips possible! Look at how dastardly that Klaus guy is, but he has a heart! Yeah screw you and the entire cast. The acting just isn't believable and I feel everything is forced. Nobody is convincing anybody that they even believe what they are saying. Only one guy stands out as believable and that is Marcel. Yes, the black vampire has a very natural presence in the show. Everyone else is just over dramatic and annoying.

Story:

hahahahaha. What a joke. Family is what caused this drama.
The story isn't half bad, but its just continuous stupid drama that prevents me from getting too into it. Somebody is always being a manipulative jerk to some one else. All of these characters are not necessarily evil but just trying to save themselves. Except Niklaus, the most colossal shithead of the century. He is not a nice guy no matter how many times he has done good things. The show is just showing you that even if some one is a murderer, a criminal or what not, he has a good heart! NO! Don't listen to that nonsense ladies. If a man is bad, he's a bad man. Quit this myth of "deep down inside he just wants to be loved and I can be the woman to show him" BS. Maybe some rare men DO want to be loved and change over time, but most of these crazy assholes don't. Niklaus is a crazy asshole and not the fun kind.

He is the perfect definition of a narcissistic psychopath and yet the vampire family won't just dagger this guy and leave him in a box for the next million years. If I were his siblings, that is exactly what I would do since he seems to be the root of all of their unhappiness because he's a completely selfish, angry twit. Everyone is afraid to cross him or even love anyone, but him. He's probably the worst attention whore middle child to ever be known and yet his family hasn't turned their back on him.

At this point, screw that guy. Just dagger his ass and bury him into the deepest part of the ocean and leave him there, or better yet, send him into space and let his body be stuck out there forever. Even if he got undaggered by some friendly, space fairing aliens, there will be no way for him to figure out how to get back to Earth to exact cosmic size pissed off vengeance. Seriously everyone's happiness revolves around this guy, just destroy him already. Why do people have to tell him they are going to destroy him before they destroy him. Don't give the guy a warning, just hit him when its unexpected. I was super glad at the end they tortured him by trying to take the baby away, but this guy has very little consequences laid upon him.

The most frustrating part of this series is it takes literally 2O episodes to get into this series. I guess it took 2O episodes for the writers to finally understand how to put a story together.  You can't have looming imminent threat every second of the day without some calm waters and triumphs. There was some actual making up and redemption toward the end of the season that was more interesting than all the hell that I watched so far. But it seemed so forced that I'm not sure how many seasons they can really keep this up before it becomes repetitive and stupid. I rather see the vampires and werewolves learn how to become a family rather than have family continue to try to kill them.

Effects:

There is plenty of vampire devilry but very little werewolf chomping. What is the point of having werewolves in this show if we never get to see any of them in action? We only see their aftermath effects. What about wolf girl? Is she ever going to change? Probably not now that she ended up a hybrid. All of the effects are cheap and boring, so I am assuming this show only belongs to cable television. We don't get to see much transformation, or anything hybrid related except yellow eyes. Also they keep running around in the same areas. This show really didn't get much of a budget did it? I rather it had less episodes and better production value [and maybe some one who can actually write something above teen fan fiction grade] than have this kind of crap value stuff for a supernatural show.

24 episodes and this is the best they can do for the hybrid look?
The Hybrid Theory:

So geeks galore seem to just be enraptured by the hybrid theory. One part terrifying werewolf and one part sexy vampire. It seems pretty popular in culture the past ten years and I have to say it is the most intriguing part of this terrible plot line. However the rules for the hybrid seem vague and what happens when a vampire turns into a werewolf? Can he fly? I mean that would be bad ass if he could fly...but they haven't even bothered to show us a werewolf transformation at all, much less a hybrid transformation. If the Hybrid transformation is just glowing eyes, than I'm severely disappointed in that.

Also what is up with Hybrids having a komodo dragon bite but wolverine super blood? Seriously? Is that the answer to everyone's problem? He just bites himself and everyone is healed by his super blood? It seems like Klaus can pretty much play God if he wanted to with anyone's life. And he has, for a thousand years, just did whatever he wanted and controlled everyone while he was at it. You would figure after a thousand years Klaus would get bored of being hurt and wounded.



Vampires, Witches and Werewolves, Oh My!:

1. Klaus - The Mega Douche of the Century:

Half of the plots stupidity would be gone if some one found Klaus's daggers, stuck them into him and put him in a box for a few hundred years. Niklaus is the reason women still think bad guys can change. Oh I'm such a tragic character! Hundreds of years of anger from what happened to me years ago and now I'm a bad boy scum bag with an agenda, but deep underneath I have a good heart and want some one to love me! Shut up Klaus. Being a nice guy once doesn't erase 1,OOO years of douchery with your family.
Davina is way cooler and pissy than Sabrina

2. If Wolf Girl and Teeny Witch Can Kick Ass, Why Need Vampire Protection?:

So far in this series, both teen witch and pregnant wolf girl can kick some tail with no problem. So why are they under the protection of vampires? Seems like a waste of time for the both of them.

3. A Baby is That Important?:

I know Elijah believes the baby can change Klaus, but seriously this is a lot of work to keep a baby alive. This goes back to the whole holy, "Every sperm is sacred" motto. I think the baby isn't even worth protecting at this point for how much BS its giving everyone, including the woman baring it. The entire world seems to want to kill it or sacrifice it. This baby is like the omega of babies and the witches want it dead before baby kills them.

4. This Whole Story is Based on a Misunderstanding:

Only a quarter through season 1 while I'm working on this review and I already can see this whole feud between the Originals and Marcel's chain gang of vampire hipsters is based off of a misunderstanding. The Originals mentioned they ran from New Orleans and thought Marcel was dead. Everyone mourned him and then find out hes alive and took stuff for himself. So now they are pissed at him. While Marcel probably thought the Originals ran off and abandoned him. Then he probably thought, well hell, since they are never coming back, I'm just going to bring this place back to life. Now they come back and want to take back what I revived? Hell no. See...misunderstanding. They need that shrink, Cami, more than they know.

5. Exposition...Exposition..Exposition...."Real Talk":

Half of everyone's lines is exposition. "Oh that Klaus...hes been a rotten brother of mine for forever! I save him all the time." Yeah thanks for telling us instead of just showing us. Everyone basically vomits information whether they realize it or not. People sure love to monologue in this show...they profess a lot of information that you would THINK would be more important to keep as a secret. Its super weird.

6. Flash Backs

While we are at it, there are like a gazillion flash backs. Do we need to know all of this? Yes, your brother is a total cock block to every man you ever went out with. We could easily have seen this through his current actions and your super proclamation. "Dude, you always do this!" Unless that specific young chap we got to see murdered was very important to the plot and to vampire girl, I could care less about his death. Nor do I feel sorry for her either. Why would she need permission from the family to turn him into a vampire any way? She could have just did it on her own and said to hell with everyone! He's mine!

The late season bloomer of decent characters
7. Wolf Girl Can Also Be Dubbed "Bad Decision Girl":

In the beginning she chuckles about her stupid decision to sleep with Klaus as if it was a charming personality trait. "Classic me" she quips. Um. So you have made these kind of bad decisions before? How many babies did you almost have in the past? And after maybe..one...two..five scares..wouldn't you have learned to buy an effin condom by now? I mean how hard is it to bring condoms to a one night stand? This is just irresponsible. Especially since YOU know you are a werewolf. Do you have any responsibility in not spawning more werewolves at all? She just managed to accidentally hit the jack pot [or nightmare] by getting pregnant with Klaus, the bad boy douche vampire hybrid with a heart of gold that hates everyone.

8. Do these Vampires work?

At least Marcel has some kind of financial income, but what the hell do these vampires do? The good vampires really haven't fed much this entire story and they aren't holding any day jobs at burger king so what gives? We just find an abandoned mansion and "Here wolf girl, you can run the house while we go out and have a war between witches and vampires. Don't worry...nobody will harm you here, or evict you for being a squatter or just are darn curious why you live alone in a giant house with internet connection." So when did Comcast get its evil clutches onto the mega mansion they found?

9. Klaus is Attracted to Damaged Goods:

So far we have witnessed Klaus taking affection to damaged goods. People who have lost their parents or had been abandoned by them. You would think after several hundred years, Klaus would have found God or at least some sort of internal peace by now. Instead he keeps making the same stupid mistakes while simultaneously being one step ahead of the game at all times. Can some one be this stupid and brilliant at the same time? Half of the show's drama revolves around Klaus's stupid decisions and him coming up from behind cleaning it up while his siblings are pissed off at him. Should we dub Klaus "Stupid Decision Boy" and call it a day?

1O. Convenient Phone Call is Convenient:

I hate it when every time people ask an important question the phone rings. Then instead of going "Hey while Klaus is talking to his bro, why don't you answer the question." Nope. It never gets answered because people in TV shows never finish their sentences after the fact. Squirrel much?

11. Nothing is Sacred:

Every time people make vampire plans its always in public and in broad daylight...in front of EVERYBODY passing by. Seriously? Why are they so public about every thing that is happening? And why isn't the French Quarter empty by now knowing there is a possible vampire battle going on? As open as these cats are about this, I would have moved out ages ago. "Yeah no thanks...I'll skip the witchy/vampire fury and settle down in Connecticut.

Girl power quickly became "You bitch!" toward the end
12. A Thousand Collective Sighs Came Out at Once:

Everytime the girls get bitchy and they get together because "Girl Power!" I am pretty sure a thousand sighs came right out of anyone who is over 25 years old. Every girl on this show has sass, pizzazz or is catty to the extreme. And the only girl in the cast that should have some class, acts just as callous, bitchy and modern as the rest of them.

13. Over Dramatic Music is Dramatic:

Every time we make a discovery the music pitches up really high and racy like "OMG girlfriend! We needs to know what happens next!" Yeah...whatever. I wonder how exciting this show would be without the hyped up cliff hanger music.

14. Beauty Queen:

Even in the worst of situations: dog fights, running from witches or vampires and all of that nonsense, this cast has some great hair. Especially Hayley [who spells a name like that?]. She is just fabulous as a prisoner of a vampire, witch, werewolf war. Can I get her stylist's number?

15. Each Episode is Packed To Run In Circles:

Every episode is super epic packed with HOLY SHIT revelations that are going to blow a teen's mind apart. Which really annoys the crap out of me. They run each episode so fast and pack it with so much shit that it really loses its edge fast. There are no slow builds, breaks or even happy times. We are continually being smacked in the head with drama, drama, drama. Because apparently teenagers have the attention span of a goldfish.

All the excitement has died out because there are barely small breaks between all of the conspiracies and accusations. Its like the writers are writing the vampires and werewolves in circles and continuing to use the same situations, scenes and anger fits for almost EVERY EPISODE. There is barely any gratification because its always one step forward and four steps back into the same muck as before. Nobody is ever happy, Niklaus is always pissed off at some one, Rebekah is always bitchy, wolf girl is always sassy, Elijah is always noble. These are super static characters doing the same shit, different episode and revomiting the same plot in a different context.

I swear this show is going to kill me before I finish this review.

16. Gay Bro is so Not Gay:

I'm only on episode 9 the time I am writing this point, but Josh is SO not gay. I know they are trying really hard for the gay community to fall for the cute gay friend of Davina the teenage super witch, but I swear that boy is not gay. He totally said that to get closer to Davina because shes a smoking hot repressed chick that needs a friend. The way he looks at her just seems like he is into her. Doing her favors, finding her violin, totally telling her he can keep a secret. Hes not gay. Could be wrong on this one, but I haven't seen this boy suck face with one guy in this entire show so far. Or even hit on another man. I don't know about you but if some one claims their are gay, it kind of helps the credibility to see them having the hots for some one of their same gender. So far I have seen NO sign of that. He's totally not gay. I'm callin it.

Klaus knows you are all a bunch of sissies. Give up now.
17. One at a Time:

I see the vampires have been trained at the premiere fighting school of "One at a Time." COME ON! You outnumber this douchebag 3OO to 1. Just grab him already and stab him with the dagger.

Instead you just chain him up and beat him with sticks, igniting his unstoppable rage and everyone dies at once. You guys are pathetic. This could have been over already, but now I got 14 more episodes left due to everyone's stupidity. Dagger him, everyone lives happily ever after, the end. *sigh*



18. The Entire Cast Could Use a Good ****!

I'm sorry, did I offend you? Everyone in this cast hasn't had a good romp in the sack except Marcel and Rebekah and look where it got them? Everyone's angry..ARRRGGGG!!

19. The Wolves Aren't Angry

They have all of these growly noises in the background for the wolves and they all look dopey, happy puppies. Doesn't anyone know how to train a wolf properly these days?

2O. Nobody Dies on this Show

The threat of death is real...until some one heroically saves them last minute. I guess always keeping tabs on your siblings has its perks. Or they bring you back to life or you are some tormented soul coming back to haunt them. Seriously people seem to rotate around here and can't stay down. Hell even people who had been dead for hundreds of years come back to life.

21. Everyone's Evil

So everyone is just rotten. Are we supposed to like them now? Everyone is horrible to everyone and everyone has a story of why they are horrible to everyone. We are watching a show about horrible people. Great.

22. Cutting Hands

Everyone is using the same knife to cut their hands with. This seems totally wrong and I don't understand why they make cutting their hands like its no big deal. I'm sure that hurts like hell plus that's totally unsanitary.

23. Gang Wars
If only humans weren't so weak...

This whole show is pretty much one giant gang war. You change the wolves, vampires, and witches to Crips, Bloods and MS-13 and you will have yourself a totally different show, but with the same stupid drama. The humans aren't even on the radar when it comes to a faction because they are just not strong enough to stand up to any of the three. So lets call the humans, innocent bystanders in the long supernatural gang war for turf and street cred.

24. Candles

Who the hell had the time to light 2OO candles in a room? Its the 21st century. Get a freaken lamp.

25. Bad Decision Girl Becomes Only Sane Person Chick

After watching the buffoonery of the entire vampire cast run amok, its nice to know that werewolf pregnant girl actually ends up being the best character on the show. While everyone is still stupidly bent on revenge for whatever time they had been wronged.

26. Their Parent's are the Original Douche's

So now I understand why Klaus is such a crabby sour patch. His father was a psychopath that loved hunting down his own children while his mother was a crazy witch that turned her children into vampires and then decides it would be fun to kill them too. What the hell is wrong with this family? They don't need one therapists, they need an army of them.

27. The Relationship That Can Never Be

2O something episodes of teasing and finally Hayley [bad decision girl] and Elijah [responsible vampire brother] finally get together. Sort of. Because...Elijah is being his weird noble self as Hayley is literally throwing herself at him. I mean she became awesome after she was close to term and after she had her baby. Now shes just killer mother wolf chick on a rampage. That's super bad ass. Man Elijah needs to get in on that before she reverts back to bad decision girl after her hormones stop goading her into murdering.

Do you need a banjo to go with your plaid shirt brother?
28. Werewolves are Trailer Trash

I'm very disappointed in how werewolves are presented in this. Now I assume at one point they were cool and hip and were just ran out of their home. But they are presenting them like some kind of backwater, inbred hillbillies that like campin and huntin. Werewolves never seem to be presented in any other way but ridiculous in a lot of stories. I'm totally offended. That's racist.

29. The Witches are Crazy

But who can blame them? They are as close to human as you can get and they have monsters taking over their land. Why wouldn't they be a little insane? But what really pisses me off is how witches continue to be perpetuated as sacrificial monsters. Real witches don't have a desire to harm anyone. Its in their code that they will not be sacrificing living things or do harm to others. Its totally cool to fictionalize it on TV, but its still in the christian slant of what witches were to them back in the good ol days of hanging and witch hunting. We all know better now...I hope.


So this show was pretty brutal to watch through. Painfully drawn out in the consistent impending doom section, everyone wants to kill everyone, and Klaus is continuously a mega douche. He softens up a bit by the end, probably because he can't deny that his douchery is the cause of all of his problems. One only wishes that the show would slow down more often for people to really savor the victories instead of constantly being on edge. Timing and rhythm in story is just as crucial as the highs and mayhem. If only they made a story about wolf girl and killed off the rest, maybe I would be interested in watching it more for a change.

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What did you think of "The Originals"? What was your favorite or least favorite part of the show?

DnD Rating: 5/1O

Season 2 is out on Hulu right now....watch all 22 episodes of season 1 or you could just watch something way more interesting.

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