Ender's Game: If you didn't read the book, screw you! Stay confused.

I finally got a chance to take a shot at Ender's Game. I am a huge sci-fi buff. So much that I am currently working on a novel in that genre. I love both Star Wars and Star Trek. I hate very little and love a lot. Ender's Game is a popular novel series by Orson Scott Card and is heralded by many as that one story that came before the Hunger Games about the controversy of kids being trained as killers.

So I do have Ender's Game on my Kindle and its on my to do list...like millions of other books. However I had a trusty expert with me that has read the series, so I can ask all the annoying questions during the movie, like the asshole reviewer I am. And boy were there so many questions...its hard to keep up.

First Impressions:

If you haven't read the book, you are literally screwed in every sense. The scenes are very
disconjointed and moved so quickly, no scene seemed significant enough for me to cling to the plot or the characters. The movie just flipped from scene to scene with little emotional connection. There was barely any foreshadowing [even though it desperately needed it] and half the shit I was confused about was never fleshed out or explained. So basically the entire movie was just a collection of scenes, leaving you wondering so much about Ender's violent behavior, the world he lived in and the connection between him and the bugs.

Actors: 

Why is home girl dressed and the others are not?

The acting was all right. I would say half and half. Asa Butterfield was an interesting Ender Wiggins and I enjoyed his performance, but he seemed a bit stiff some of the time. I am not sure if that is how his character is or what. Harrison Ford is awesome of course and so is Ben Kingsley [I love you Ben!]. Nonso Anozie is an amazing Sergeant Dap [for those who don't know who he is, he is Renfield in the Dracula TV series] and I probably like his character the most. He had the strongest emotion out of all the characters that existed in the film.

However the rest of the squirt brigade? Sub par. There were way too many characters introduced in these scenes for me to care about them. Bean? whatever. Commander Bozo..or whatever his name is? Don't care. That one chick that took a liking to Ender? Yeah, I already forgot her name. by the way, I was glad Bonzo died. Yup..the rest of the characters just didn't get enough time for me to develop that connection with them and its sad that had to happen.

CGI:

Barely passable. This was the section that I have to say was the worst. I've seen amazing animation and green screening before. This was not it. You could tell when there was a green screen present. The CGI on the ships looked like they were from a computer game. I think Mass Effect had better CGI, which by the way they stole the look of the citadel from the game. The production value of this was low when it came to the graphics. Probably Ben and Harrison sucked all the money up so the graphic flunkies had to work for peanuts.

Are we playing dominos, yahtzee or vegas lights? I can't tell.

Director: I want Harrison Ford. Get him for me right maow!

Casting: Right away, sexy director, sir!

Graphics Flunkie: "Uh, if we get Harrison Ford, that means we have to downgrade the battle school gravity room sir."

Director: [in regal voice] "Make it so."


Story: 

As I stated previously...if you didn't read the book, you were missing out on a lot of back story. The whole story by itself is epically confusing. I don't really feel for Ender until the very end where a twist just blows me out of the water. If only the story up til then wasn't so shitty that I could appreciate how epically brilliant the ending was. And it IS brilliant. It just would have been more so if the rest of the story was fleshed out a bit more. I would have been OK with an extra 45 minutes of movie time if it resolved all the confusion and developed the characters, situations and story to make this more satisfying. The Hobbit did it...and even though it was WAAAAYYYYY too overdrawn, it really invests in the whole story and not just part of it.


What Ender Should have Destroyed:

1. Teenage Angst -

I honestly don't remember high school being this brutal. Or teens being this angry. Ender has a lot of angst underneath his cold, reptilian composure and the movie barely explains why besides him being terrorized by his brother. If Ender uses the tactic of beating the living shit out of his school mates to prevent them from never screwing with him again, why isn't he doing the same with his brother Peter? He could easily kill him....which by the way...we never learn that both the boys that Ender fights actually die in the book. Even Ender didn't know until after the fact when they lied to his face that they are going to survive. I'm really disappointed they did not include that!

2. The Shitty Security at Battle School - 

Cindy soon realizes that she will never get her threesome...

NOBODY is watching these kids! And when they are watching them, they aren't stopping them fromtrying to kill each other either. Who is seriously running this school? Why were a group of bullies able to corner Ender in the showers. WHY was Ender the only kid that was showering in the first place?

You know how many people escaped from Basic Training when I was at Lackland AFB? NOBODY. You know why? MTIs were stalking the halls waiting to attack and consume trainee blood, that's why. You could not escape from that prison even if you wanted to. They will find you, they will catch you, and then you will be punished into the ground. The fact that a military academy for kids in SPACE has barely anybody watching the kids is really absurd.

3. Who Runs This Joint?

This goes back to the serious stupidity of Battle School. Sergeant Dap is running the yellow training group...so who the hell is running the salamanders? Doesn't every group get a Sergeant? And who is running the school? Harrison Ford could not possibly be running the High School on Earth, Battle School in space and the Commanders School way out yonder in bug country. So what knuckle dragger is keeping this place in shape? There are literally no adults running around. Ever. EVER.

4. Who Are You Playing Again?

Don't worry son, we are going to ruin your life.

OK. I never got the low down of what Harrison Ford's character was supposed to be because he keeps switching positions on me. Was he a talent scout for the chosen one? Was he our Morpheus in this movie? Was he just a high brow officer just hanging around until some one with a killer instinct showed up? Yet again, I get peanuts for explanations here.

5. Major Anderson Departs -

And I still don't know the reason why. My assumption is that Harrison Ford told her he's going to trick Ender into killing all the Formics [the bug aliens], but we never got that satisfaction in the movie. I barely got to know her character before she departed and I was really interested in seeing more of her rather than all the testosterone flying around. So I wonder if this is just like, "Don't be a Menace"? "Sorry, baby: you know there ain't no positive black females in these movies"

6. The Manual Sweep Guys on Planet 'Who the Heck Cares?'

I realized this was different in the book, but in the movie this blew me away. No more than literally a
mall parking lot walk across the way was a cave with the dying Queen bug and her eggling. How did no one ever find this? You would figure if you slapped a base on a nearby planet, you would do a pretty clean sweep before you allow humans to inhabit it permanently. And as usual....where are the guards? Seriously. Why weren't there an assload of guards preventing Ender and his girlfriend from running outside and off the compound? Why wasn't there a perimeter fence? CAN WE GET AN ADULT TO CHAPERONE IN THIS MOVIE?

Everything the light touches is your kingdom, you murderer.

7. Fake Privacy Rights - 

When Ender left his family, he got all of his privacy rights restored. Except for the fact that they are monitoring him and nobody else 24/7. What was the point of giving him his rights back if they were going to observe him in secret any way? This is just like the NSA..."We are totally not listening to your phone calls, just recording all of them to use against you in the future, peon." Did they do that with every other kid? NOOOOOO. I mean if they monitored all the kids they would have seen Bonzo and Ender duke it out. In fact, they would have seen Bonzo about to attack Ender in the shower any way if they were watching Ender's every move. And if they were watching Ender in the shower, does that mean they are watching child porn???

8. Whoever Thought of Using Kids to Kill Aliens was a Dick -

This whole kid concept was confusing to me and was barely explained in the movie. I understood the Hunger Games use of children. Retribution for defiance....sacrifice the kids...make it like a sick television show...bla bla bla. The premise makes sense to me. Raising kids in a video game/war environment and training them to fight a war as children has no real foundation to it. I would understand if you were training these kids into adulthood to become leaders and killers, but the movie made me feel like they thought kids would be a much better choice. Like as if little thought was put into the concept of WHY children rather than why not? Big difference. Also I wasn't exactly sure of the selection process of who goes to Battle School and who doesn't. Peter was too angry, Valentine was too compassionate. However Bonzo was an angry prick, how did that get past the over omni-present Eye of Sauron.

Damn, you should have stayed dead.

9. Mazer Rackham: The Definition of Total Shithead - 

I love Ben Kingsley, but I hated his character. Not only was he a fake causality that was part of the propaganda war machine, he also caused a butt load of damage from all of those falling space planes that fell back to Earth. He also invaded Ender's space during his first night [creepy...] and beat him down like a mysterious Jedi/Ghandi/Ninja just to deliver a cryptic message. Thanks bro, now I will have nightmares of creepy men hiding in corners of my room. Holy shit sticks, Mazer, you are an inconsiderate bastard.

1O. That Guy that was Filming the Final Battle of Mazer Rackham vs the Formics - 

Who the hell was filming Mazer Rackham? I mean the video shots were cool, but who the hell was getting the footage? Was it a drone? Another fighter? You got to know that footage was fake just due to that alone.

11. Lockheed Martin's Shitty Future Version of the F-22 Raptor -

Screw your planes, they still don't work and I hope the alien bugs take a steaming pile of poo all over them so they all crash into the ground.

They always look so peaceful before they die....

12. The Creator of that Creepy Ass Game -

Whoever made the fairytale game is totally twisted. So the first set up of the game is two glasses...one is supposed to have poison and one does not. The giant insists you must pick one. So Ender tries both options and they are both poisoned. So instead of drinking the poisoned glasses, he screws the giant's skull instead. That's DARK AS SHIT. Satan would approve.

13. Ender's Screwed up Family - 

Duuuuuuuude, Ender's family is super angry face dramatic. Peter goes out of his way to try to choke Ender to death, the sister is a helpless little girl, the father is clearly an angry Republican [Damn bugs, get off my lawn!] and the mother seems passionless. No wonder Ender wants to beat other kids to death, I would to in a family this crazy. Actually I'm surprised Ender isn't a psychopath, except those two times he killed a man. His song should really be "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine.

15. They Have No Vocal Chords! -

This whole no vocal chords argument is a crock of shit. If we couldn't communicate with them how in the world did we know they were looking for water on Earth? How did we know anything about them at all? How did we even find out where they lived? There are too many I don't knows around here for me to believe we could not communicate with them at all and figured out what their species was about. I have a feeling this is often how wars get started...

Indigenous People: "Welcome to our homeland. We have plenty of food for everyone."

Invader Leader: "Whats he saying?"

Shitty Interpreter: "I think they want to eat us."

Invader Leader: "Send the small pox blanket! And then chop off their heads, rape their women and eat their babies. They are CLEARLY all savages."

*Everyone starts raping, pillaging and ethnically cleansing the land*

Indigenous People: *collectively shits their pants*

And then we get to learn the luke warm reality through history! Kind of like Thanksgiving.

15. The Crew Follows You - 

So Ender's friends just magically show up at Commanders school, obviously not to become Commanders but to help Ender beat the simulations. So as my expert tells me, Ender specifically requests these people. In the movie...its more of a  "SURPRISE" Birthday Party with the worst gift saved for last [the death of an entire race. SURPRISE!]. Yet again....if I need an expert with me, this movie sucks.

16. This won't hurt at all - 

That nurse that pulled Ender's wire tap thing in his neck. Seriously...that's the same as getting a endoscopy where the doctor said "you will feel minor discomfort...as I shove this tube up your virgin ass." You are RIPPING something out of his neck. Can you seriously not be a tad bit more gentle, you psycho?


So my conclusion is, unless you read the book, you will clearly be lost. The whole movie depends on the viewers just getting it and I feel like there were a lot of scenes missing that could have made this a much better movie about the horrors of war and the manipulation of powerful people. What started as a thought provoking premise became a nightmare of trying to keep up and a mountain of questions stacking against the ceiling. I say don't go into this movie hoping it would be well rounded. It has plenty of flaws and very little character development.

Also...

Ender Cupcakes...choose your favorite loser!

Where the hell were the rest of these groups? The rats, snakes and other units? What was the point of having all 6 of these units displayed for marketing when you only end up introducing two of them? AND I WANT CUPCAKES....

DnD's Rating: 4/1O

Judgment: This movie is just a metaphor for my first Vegas apartment. Except I didn't cry when I killed them all...I rejoiced in their dead little carcasses and feeble murdered spawn screaming for help as I pump acid into the walls to eat their flesh away.

Yes, I am the Harrison Ford of Roach Killing.


P.S. What the hell is this?

Mmmm home-made mystery meat. My favorite.

3OO: Seize Your Glory! In Slow motion...

The Spartans are BACK! Except they are not. What was a promise for more of Sparta has become an abridged version of all the good parts of the Battle of Salamis, one of the most decisive battles in Greek history. Think about it...the Persians are at your doorstep with a massive invading army, three-four times the size of yours, threatening your democracy. You must rally your Greek countrymen to sacrifice fathers, brothers and sons for freedom, but the probability of victory is low. You take command of the ships you have and brace yourself for the blood and terror of war, knowing every command you make, is yours to take to the grave. Good or bad. For glory or defeat. For every Greek man and woman who depends on you. This is your moment.

This is the point where you wish you had better life insurance...

This was the problem General Themistocles faced during a challenging time in history and yes it was beautifully done on the screen in battle form as every man gazed on that even the lowly Greek sculptors and farmers STILL had better abs than them. But instead of historical accuracies, this movie took on a lot of creative license to spice up the legend left behind. Because we all know that this is a piece of history, passed down through stories, scrutinized by historians and then turned into a Frank Miller novel to sell for twenty dollars a piece.

What this movie succeeds at, it equally fails. The first 300 movie commanded a unique design in film making...slo-mo the hell out of everything with epic music while beating the shit out of Persians. The slo-mo technique was popularized by the Matrix and abused by Zack Snyder years later, further strengthening our anti-muslim sentiments. Because we all know there is not one dude in that army that was actually Greek on screen. So its basically America battling the spooky evil Jihads in Greek drama form.

First impressions:

The movie is epic, exciting and makes a great commercial for wanting to go back to the gym to get in better shape to kill Persians [funny how that works]. But that was all it was good for. As far as storyline goes, it was fairly truncated and only glazed over the Battle of Marathon and quickly ended before we even got a chance to see the defeat of the Persian navy. I also was a little nerved that I was promised Spartan abs and only got dinky Greek abs and ugly Greek men cowering in corners. Ah democracy, it makes men soft. That is, until our bold hero, Themistocles slaps them straight and urges Greece to fight. Although I was happy to see Lena Headey reprise her role as the amazingly awesome Queen Gorgo of Sparta.

This is a cool scene, but who jumps like this except ballerinas?

Graphics:

The graphics were very mood inducing and impressive as usual. There are a lot of great set up shots and beautiful landscaping. As far as grandiose comic imagery, this film had it all.

However the one big problem was the fake blood. There was a shit ton of fake blood everywhere. Got scratched by a sword...FAKE BLOOD GUSH. Got cut on the arm? MORE FAKE BLOOD. Got your skull cracked into by a sword? SUPER FAKE BLOOD EXPLOSION! It almost became comical after a while. So yeah I get it..you are killing people, but isn't the fake blood just a bit out of control here?

Story:

It was all right, there were some scenes that were unnecessary and gosh, the narration annoyed me all the way til the end. Sometimes narration will come out of no where and epically ruin the mood. For example, at the end of the movie there is a stand off between Themistocles and Artemesia [the Greek naval commander of the Persian navy], and then out of no where...LETS START NARRATING! The tension was dropped immediately for invasive story telling and therefore a very intense scene between the two becomes a buzz kill. Although I did like seeing there was more back story this time. We get to see the back story of Xerxes [barely] and Artemesia [equally as bare..but it was neat either way]. I am curious why they chose to tell both of their stories and not the story of Themistocles, our hero of the movie.

Music:

By far, the best thing about the movie. The soundtrack is very good and I will definitely pick it up for my work out regiment. Its got a great epic feel to it mixed in with an Arabic flair. Worth keeping it for story writing as well. I'm about to get swol!

She's not only a dick to slaves, she's also a dick to apples.

Acting:

The acting was well done, no complaints there. The main hero, Themistocles is fairly unknown Aussie compared to the rest of the cast, but still a fairly good actor. Of course all of the acting was dramatic because this is a considerably dramatic film. Even though I wasn't impressed look wise for Artemisia, her skills in being evil was definitely well suited in how she was played. Eva Green made an impressive display as the ruthless Greek Commander of the Persian Navy.

Best lines in the Film:

"Don't lose sight of them!" - General Persian Dude after...they instantly lose sight of the Greek ships through the fog.

"You fight harder than you f***." - Artemisia to Themistocles after he punches her in the face.


The Battle of Bad Film Making and Random Thoughts:

I notice a lot of bad stuff in my day, but its amazing how much random shit goes on in the background and foreground of this movie that throws you out of the story.

1. That random dude that dies in the background - Themistocles rushes to the boat of his arch enemy, Artemesia, fighting and stabbing everyone in his path. As far as we know only him and Artemesia stand alive on the ship after he happy stabs everyone to death. Then while Themistocles is speaking, you see a random Persian dude on the left just die and drop in the water. Was that suicide? I think it was.

2. The 'Skyrim Horse' Film Bombs the Movie - Has anyone played Skyrim? A random horse appears out of no where, so you steal said horse and run away like the asshole you are until you get off the horse. You walk away for a second to go pick some berries, or fight a dragon or some shit and when you come back, THE MOTHER EFFER IS GONE!! Yeaaaah...that is what basically happens in the film. Themistocles is fighting on one of his ships, a horse appears out of no where. He gets on the horse, rides it through fire, water, and onto another boat and gets thrown off the horse. Then the horse disappears. WHERE THE HELL DID THE HORSE COME FROM? Where did it go?! And why was there a single horse on the ship? I don't think horses like water or fire...or jumping from ship to ship. Seriously, that's the most bad ass horse in history and now its gone. You screwed up Themistocles...you should have kept that one.

My pants are magical, let me show you how they disappear!

3. The Abnormally Long Sex Session - Personally, I never liked sex scenes in movies, but most of them have a point. This one was just grossly long for no reason. It was meant to be more of a power play struggle between Artemisia and Themistocles, but it seriously was pointless. She didn't convince him and he didn't even finish on her. So I'm not sure what the point of either of that was. Also....when the hell did his pants come off? He takes off his cloak and....pants instantly disappear. And personally...if some dude said no to my offer, I wouldn't have taken a sword to his throat and kicked him off my boat. I would have chopped his wang off and tossed him over into the sea. The fact that she let him go was totally counter-productive to her goals of winning against the Greeks.

4. Apple of Evil - Why does every evil person eat a freaken apple in their scenes? What is it with apples that just are so appealing to bad people? They eat it so douchy like too. Like...I'm not going to bite into the apple, I'm going to carve pieces off of it and eat it piece by piece like a dirt bag. Who eats apples like that? Screw you and your stupid apple eating habits! And where the heck do they grow apples in Persia?

5. The Gigantic Moon - There is a scene where the moon was HUGE. Like that shit was about to crash into the earth huge. What planet are they on?? And do they realize they have more catastrophic problems with having a moon that close to the earth than their petty, hissy fit fighting? I mean, I know its a beautiful scene and that was what it was there for, but holy crap.

Man panties, big and proud.

6. Xerxes Transformation - I tell you what... Xerxes was a handsome dude before he became the freakishly tall, throat gurgling, hairless creep we all know today. I'm not sure why he became weird after his time in the desert, but not only did he shave all of his hair off [including his eyebrows...who the hell shaves their eyebrows?], he got taller, his voice got deeper, and he became very brave to wear a large golden man diaper that looks like a chastity belt. So why such a dramatic change to become the God King? Couldn't he be as convincing keeping his eyebrows? Come on Xerxes...you know better.

7. Who is cutting the wheat in Sparta? - Seriously...I really want to know! If everyone is training to kill shit, who is taking care of the lawn?

8. Hairless Bodies - I know they are hairless because they want to define the abs and muscles and yadda yadda yadda, but you are telling me there isn't a man in Greece that hasn't got a Persian rug? REALLY? Not according to all the hairy statesmen I saw in that movie.

9. Little to No Armor - OK. I know the whole point of the movie is to show how the gym can work for everyone, but seriously, hoplites did not have such little armor during that time. They had body armor that worked. I was genuinely surprised more Greek men didn't die compared to the Persian army that had full body armor. Lets be realistic here...soft pudgy vs fully armored dude. Who is going to win here?

10. Head Armor does not grant you God Mode - Twice I saw some one strike Themistocles on the head, one with an arrow and another a sword. He brushes it off like its a scratch. I don't care how bad ass you are, that shit would hurt like hell even with armor.

Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

11. Taking off the Helmet - I know the movie wants people to recognize the main characters in the story, but holy shit..everyone just takes off their helmet at the worst possible time. Yeah lets keep it on for the surprise cliff drop into the boat, but take it off while there are 5O Persians trying to run up and kill me. That makes sense. Can never be too safe.

12. The Explosion of Themistocles Boat - That TOTALLY should have killed him! That blasted right in his face. He should have been marred in the face...deaf, maybe blind and most of all dead, dead, double dead. What a crock of shit.

13. Mutant Animals - Xerxes has to be experimenting with animals...that super buff black panther is totally creepy. Am I watching the Hunger Games? President Snow, is that you?

14. Super Women Oppression - Damn...this movie had a rabid case of women oppression. Except Queen Gorgo...because she will stab your cock with her sword if you betray her.

Here they come to save the DAAAAYYY!

15. Themistocles Blue Cloak - In the beginning of the film, the narrator stated Themistocles was a generally unknown soldier. Which probably isn't true in actuality, but if it was, why did he still have the blue cloak? Most of the Athenians did not have blue cloaks, which meant to me only special people received it. Or...the producers wanted something to easily distinguish him from the crowd, but still...seriously..what was the significance?

16. Slicing Someone's Skull - You need a heavy blade to cleave through a man's skull. This happens twice in the film and the second time was less believable when we witness a thinner, lighter blade butcher through the top of a man's skull. I know I am being picky at this point, but seriously, that should have never happened.

17. Death...it can wait... - People sure take a LONG time to die in this film. King Darius..makes it all the way back to his home country before he dies. The kid's father gets brought back to shore with 3 arrow wounds, lasts long enough to see his son, have a chat and drop dead. Even Artemesia takes her time to die in the end. There must be something in the water...am I right?

18. Sparta! Now 15% Recycled - Seriously...15% of this film was recycled from the first one. I want 15% of my money back.

19. Similar Slogans - "PREPARE FOR GLORY!" - 300. "SEIZE YOUR GLORY!" - 300: Rise of an Empire. Gee...what will the marketing wizards come up with next?

20. Dead People Everywhere - When Xerxes transformed, Artemisia starts killing the shit out of every dude close to him in the palace. I mean, seriously, it was a bad day if you were best buds with the King. How does Xerxes not notice this? A bunch of random people that were close to him suddenly disappear? Really? You just didn't notice everyone that was close to you was dead all of a sudden? I can imagine the conversation now:

Xerxes: Wheres Jalalabob? 

Artemisia: Uh...hes busy. 

Xerxes: What can he possibly be busy with? I haven't seen him for weeks.

Artemisia: Well you know...stuff. Like throwing himself into the sea and drowning...or crocheting with his wife.

Xerxes: Oh, well then what about Muhammatt?

Artemisia: Hes busy too.

Xerxes: Man, is everyone busy around here? What the hell happened?

Artemisia: War. sir?

Xerxes: Oh right. War. 

Ma'am...this story is way too long. We just want to hit things.

20. The Spartans Save the Day - In the beginning, Queen Gorgo tells a story and at the end you realize she is telling it to her Spartan soldiers on their ships. So how long have they been standing there waiting to fight? Then after all that Greek struggling, the Spartans show up last minute and save the day. Thanks Spartans...thanks for showing up at the end. Assholes. Not you Lena Headey... you are still totally awesome. *female crush*

To wrap up this ever expanding list of odd complaints, I have to say that if you are looking for simple good entertainment value and motivation to run those three miles to the gym, get swol and run back, this is your film. If you are looking for something seriously deep, please save your money. Was it fun? Oh yes. It was both fun and hilarious to watch. Not the year's masterpiece, but definitely a good theater film in general. So if you are ready for your new gym plan....GO SEE 300: Rise of an Empire!

So what did you think of the film 300: Rise of an Empire? Tell me your thoughts below!

If you like my ranting and raving, please subscribe or pimp me out to your friends.

DnD Rating: 5/10

After Credits?: Nope. Just leave. The credit song is also God awful. Blah.

Sherlock - The Magnetic Sleuth Rocks Modern Day England

Mark my words, you will enjoy the tantalizing works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes in modern day England. Starring an eccentric Benedict Cumberbatch and solid Martin Freeman. This series is for the sleuth in all of us, calling out our inner detective to solve every mystery as Sherlock does. And then laughing like we knew the answer all along [we didn't].

The best part? He doesn't even say Elementary, my Dear Watson. Thank God. A breath of fresh air and as strange as you want it, you got it. Benedict entertains as the great Sherlock Holmes, making him so enjoyable, I hardly miss *shock* Dr. House. All the great witty bantering, eccentric behavior, cutting tongue, and driving intellect has been brandished into a shining penny due to this man's talents.

The best part of the series...drunk games!

Martin Freeman is an excellent Watson, playing an ex-military doctor that needed a kick in the pants to restart his boring civilian life. However, he finds all the adventure he could ever stomach and more when he meets Holmes. They are really made for each other as they balance each other's attributes.Watson is even tempered when Sherlock is out of control, warm when Sherlock is cold, and accepting like no other friend could be to a man so out of place in this world. Watson is the rock while Sherlock is the kite.

The Good:

Acting:

All by myself...don't wanna be..oh wait, he does.

There is a magnetic quality thrown into Sherlock Holmes by the great Benedict Cumberbatch. He isn't just the superior analytical detective we all know and love. He is an arrogant one with a flavor of strange that makes him lovable, if not wacky. Superb chops are on display here and I feel at the core these characters suit them well. Playing off of each other with a warm friendship that I feel is evident even off screen.

The rest of the cast is very well conceived, bringing to life an array of colorful characters from Ms. Hudson, a sweet old woman who assured her drug dealer husband's death to the ever psychotic Moriarty who makes even the worst of us go, "what the shit is his problem?"

Effects:

The greatest effects are the ones where we get to be inside of Sherlock's mind. The texting is quite conveniently laid out too. I like the format of it being written on the wall instead of us peaking at the phone itself. Everyone gets it and its an easier, less intrusive way to keep us in the loop. We also have everything from symbols to running through mind palaces or flipping through information like an internet search. It really connects well with today's viewers in understanding his mind by illustrating it like a fast processing computer.

The Plots:

This sums up most of the series...

The plots are interesting. They are based on the original novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but you have to wonder if each one is by the book or some are made up? There are only 4 novels, but there are 56 short stories that exist in the Sherlock Holmes universe. I have not read even close to all of them so its hard to tell if some are loosely based off of some short stories, while other episodes are made up.

As for the set up, as much as I like old England, new England is just as cool and more technology savvy. I think this modern day setting makes it easier for us to relate to Sherlock and his adventures while giving the writers an expansion of ideas to play off of compared to being limited to the technology and possible crime plots of old England. Besides that....its very overdone.

So some plots are great and some plots are not. However that is not why I watch this series. What is really important is watching Sherlock and Watson solve the case and get into trouble. In essence, this is a similar formula to House MD. Everyone knows House is going to solve the case. Nobody cares about the ending.

Everyone just wants to watch House be a total douche to everyone while he does it. Since Gregory House is based off of Sherlock Holmes, I can start to see why I really don't like the endings, nor the reveal of bad guy intent [as I mention later in this review]. Some of the reasoning is boring or not interesting enough. However watching Sherlock solve the case is, as well as who he manipulates or screws over to do it.  Its these interesting interactions he has with the world that make

Well that answers that question...

the series the most fun to watch. Everything else is just bonus.

And like all Sherlock versions, we anchor ourselves to Watson, since he is the "dummy" that asks the questions we all want to know. Although he is far from stupid and that is why Sherlock enjoys his company so much. If it were up to Sherlock, we would never get an explanation and the story would just be awful. John tends to humanize Sherlock in a way Sherlock can not, which creates an excellent balance of dynamics that keeps the story flowing.


The Bad:


The series however has some issues. For one, its only 3 episodes long per season. Granted each episode is like a movie, 1.5 hours long...it never feels long enough. We also have the problem of the season that shows up whenever it feels like. We all know Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are both busy men, but its painfully unfair for seasons to come and go with years in-between. Dreadful even. Who can stand waiting? Why does the series producers choose to do this to their audience? Is it really worth the wait or does it always leave a bad taste with the cliff hangers for years to come? How does one build a fan base based on inconsistency? Who knows, but this series certainly has done it.

Villains:

As I stated earlier, "Was I impressed with the villains?" I don't know about that. This is the single biggest complaint I have of the series. The villains don't strike me as some one I want to hate, but more a get under your skin type of irritation, which makes it hard to get into them.

And apparently he plays the pringles guy on the side too.

The nonsensical chaos of Moriarty bugs me as even the most crazy of bad guys make sense in some manner. I was very upset that the writers chose to kill off Moriarty in the least gratifying way. It was injustice as far as story telling goes. The hero never gets to defeat the bad guy, the bad guy defeats himself to pigeon hole Sherlock.

And what about the last bad guy in season 3? Magnussen [does that sound like cold medication to you? Or maybe the name we would give to snot]? He is the worst of them all. His biggest weapon is knowledge, similar to Sherlock Holmes, but used in a way to black mail people. I was personally glad Sherlock shot him right in the head, but I was more hoping Watson would have due to the face flicking. Like I said...Villains...very irritating lot and I'm not sure if they handle them the way I expect. So at least its a surprise each time.

Blood, Boobs, Blocked?

Evil Sherlock on the Horizon?

This series really should be put on HBO. Maybe I am just a little too use to a new breed of violent television, but the whole show seems rather soft in its display of violence and everything else. Granted, I really don't like seeing sex scenes, so I'm OK with never seeing that. However the little blood there is seems odd to me.

Maybe you can argue its not that type of show, but there is a pristine innocence I find off putting. I am glad Sherlock went dark and killed some one. I hope he becomes darker as the series progresses. It would be interesting. Especially if 'you know who' is still in the picture.

Think of it this way...the whole Batman concept. "Either you die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Not that I want him to be a villain per say, but changed in a way that pushes his character forward into the shadows. I want him a bit unhinged for a while....since the last guy actually outsmarted him. I can see that as a jumping point to explore a new depth of Sherlock that we haven't gotten a chance to see yet.


The Ugly: [And the biggest gripes go to....]

Lets pull out the laundry list of undead mofos...

WHY DOES NOBODY EVER DIE IN THIS SERIES?! Christ.

Season 3 - Last Episode - A lot of WTFs and a mess of a story. I was not happy with how they worked the episode in general. It was more sloppy and random than past episodes. Especially after coming off a good high with the first two, this was the messiest I had seen in a while.

Way too many things going on at once and the whole mind palace sequence with Sherlock's dying scene was just too over the top. The episode felt rushed and packed with too much NEW information that didn't need to be there. Either way, I am still looking forward to the next season. TRY AGAIN, WRITERS! I know you can do it!

What do you think of the TV series, Sherlock? Tell me in the comments below!

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DnD Rating: 9/1O

The Legos Movie - The Quirky Movie that Makes Everything Awesome

The Legos Movie advertised last year at Comic Con and for some reason I thought they were kidding. Legos is a big attraction every year, building life size lego creations like Lego Hulk, Lego Ninja Turtles, Lego Ironman and more. So naturally, any idea I think is ridiculous gets magically tucked away into oblivion.

Then it happened. It came to the theaters and my friend James squeals "You must see this movie!" And I put it on my "To Do List into Oblivion," which means I will get to it whenever my apartment sets on fire. Well luckily my apartment didn't get set on fire, but I was invited to go see it with another friend who was interested. So here I was sitting in the theater thinking, OK, this can only be minorly good, but it did get a good rating so I expect decent. Maybe terrible, but stupid funny. Or maybe horrible. Horrible sounds correct.

Nobody pisses Batman off, not even you Reptar

First Impressions:

So after watching the movie, my conclusion was it wasn't bad. Its quirky, light-hearted, playful, and cute. I enjoy watching animations that delve into different worlds and witnessing what the world's "biggest fears" are. In Toy Story it was the fear of being forgotten or no longer the child's favorite toy, in Monster's Inc it was a child accidentally following you back into the monster world, in Wreck-it Ralph it was being shut down forever.

The Legos movie was no different. Their greatest fear was called "The Kragle" which was a play on "Krazy Glue" with some of the words missing from old use. But there is more to it, even though I thought the story was way too close to formula standards and all the jokes were obvious, the morals of the story were great overall. It talked about how everyone was the special if you believed it and that you can create anything [which is a big Legos marketing theme...and ploy to sell more over priced legos if you ask me].

The Story:

Obviously some one farted...guess who?

The story is about an ordinary plain Lego workman named Emmet who tries to fit in as much as he can into the very orderly world he lives in. However one day he ends up falling down a hole in the construction site and survives with a lego piece now attached to his back. From there everyone hilariously mistakens him as "The Special" or "Master Builder." So Emmet goes from scene to scene with Wyldstyle and the wise one, Vitruvius as they try to gather a team of Master Builders to stop the evil President Business from unleashing "The Kragle." The best part is even though they play on Emmet's boringness and horrible ideas, they actually become useful in times of crisis. Including a double decker couch that ends up surviving the destruction of the underwater vehicle they built. Its this wonderful playful poking of Emmet's unspecial like qualities is what makes the movie great among the very random backgrounds and situations they encounter together.

Characters:

Doesn't this scene just scream "Merica?"

If you are really into legos or internet/pop culture in general you will be very happy to see a plethora of different characters. There is Lego Batman, probably the most awesome lego of all that pretty much does all the leg work with his inventions and cunningness. You also have Unikitty, a lego cat/unicorn character that reminds me a LOT of a mix of new style My Little Pony and the Nyan Nyan Cat.

There is also a pirate lego man whose body is made of various parts, a spaceship lego man named Benny [who is dying to build a spaceship], Wyldstyle which is a Matrix like character, Vitruvius which is like Gandalf, but there IS a Gandalf and Dumbledore in the movie [which makes it more funny and confusing]. You also have Lincoln, Han Solo and Chewie, The Statue of Liberty, Michelangelo [the turtle], Robots, Superman, etc. The list truly is infinite in this story. Its great to see the whole lego universe get mentioned without playing too far into each one.

Animation:

The animation was a mix of stop motion and 3D animation that for the most part was seamless with each other. The stop motion though was very obvious when they did it because it was considerably choppy, giving the Legos even more of a toy feeling than before. Sometimes the choppiness can be distracting and I'm still curious why they chose to mix the two instead of do one or the other. I don't mind stop motion animation [I loved Wallace and Grommet and the Nightmare Before Christmas after all], but I am curious why they decided certain scenes even needed it while others did not.

What I wanted to destroy in Lego Land:

This is the military's new slogan during the budget crisis

1. Everything is Awesome:

Geez. This song truly rivals "Its a small world" in annoyance. Stupid song gets stuck in my head whenever I think about it. Its the easiest lyrics on the planet to remember and has this sweet, poppy, bubble gummy tune makes me want to punch babies. GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD! GET IT OUT NOW!

2. Mid-Air Building:

I know the movie plays a lot on fantasy building on the fly. That's fine. But seriously...it gets old when people are falling to their doom and have the capability to build in mid-air to save themselves. I mean...come on, there has to be a limit to that!

3. Building and Destroying:

What was the point of this world where they would build all day and destroy a bunch of shit? Half of the beginning was smashing buildings and building stuff. I thought this was supposed to be orderly building? Did I get this confused? I still don't understand what the hell was going on in that beginning montage besides that stupid "Everything is Awesome" song playing and everyone dancing while working. Damn you legos.

4. Short Man Complex:

President Business had REALLY OBVIOUS short man complex with those giant stilt boots. He
also has a large dose of OCD and anal retentiveness. You got other issues we need to know about, Mr. Crazy?

AND YOU SHALL BRING ME A SHRUBBERY!

5. Think Tank - Unexplained:
I'm really curious how the Think Tank works. With all of these master builders everywhere you would think the whole room would be total freaken chaos. Instead the room is created to use their imagination power to create instructions for the brainless citizens out there. So how does the Think Tank create chaos into order? THAT is the bigger mystery here...not how to defeat President Business and the Kragle.

6. The Kid Built What?:

Without going too far into it...there was a LOT of stuff that was built in this movie and the height requirement didn't match. Lets just say that. Plus....he built some complicated shit. Just saying. Kids talented as crap. Glad some one recognized it toward the end.

7. Punchlines:

I know, I know. I am being picky, but I was very sensitive to how formula like the punchlines were. It was almost like clockwork and so obvious I couldn't help, but sigh a lot of times. There is not a lot of originality with the puns in the Legos movie. I wish the creators dug just a WEE bit deeper on making this more just funny to the specific product than play off of fifty other character universes. You know what I mean? Its hard to explain, but there was an edge missing that could have made it that much better.


So in essence, I say this movie is worth taking the kids to and even the girlfriend/wife [she might smile a little too]. Its clean, funny, quick paced and enjoyable for everyone. And if she complains, just tell her, "What are you talking about? EVERYTHING IS AWESOME!" Then start break dancing horribly in front of her and everything will be good.

What did you think of the Legos Movie? Comment Below!

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DnD Rating: 8/1O

After Movie Cool Shit? No. However there are some neat animations during the beginning credits.

Robocop: In the future...Iraq will happily welcome their Future Military Robot Overlords!

Saturday night, despite my slight hesitation, I saw Robocop because damn it, I was curious! There has been a slew of 8Os movies popping up the past few years as fan boys and girls line up at the theaters for a glimpse of their favorite nostalgia. I loved what they did with the Judge Dredd remake and I hated the Total Recall one. So it was a toss up of how they were going to handle Robocop considering its a corny, futuristic movie in the first place.

Preconceived Thoughts:

Coming into this film, I was blinded by all the bad press and pre-bad press it was getting. The original Robocop was rated R, this new Robocop is rated PG-13. Now I am not sure how far standards have shifted from the late 8Os til now, but PG-13 is whack for a movie like this. A lot of people bitched and moaned about literally anything and everything about this film. To me it was risky, but I was still interested in checking it out.

First Impressions:

We invade other countries so the military can eat bon bons

In general I enjoyed it. I would say its a good "entertainment" flick. Taking it at face value it was good enough to be OK, but it definitely was not as good as Judge Dredd. There is a lot of muddled story work in-between Alex's transformation and his freedom.

I was really excited about the all-star cast behind the literal nobody that was fronting Alex Murphy's Robocop. Michael Keaton, Gary Oldman, and Samuel L Jackson [because Samuel L Jackson makes every movie better...]. All amazing actors. I was particularly giddy about Gary Oldman, because he was a surprise for me. The action was not too bad, but the blood flow was to a minimum [except the graphic photos of the injured].

The music had a strong 8Os cop music/crime show feel with lots of brass and we even got to hear Focus's Hocus Pocus in a fight scene. The only bummer was that the new Robocop really didn't pay much homage to the original Robocop. I know its a remake and its trying to stay away from the *wink winks* moments, but it would have been more entertaining if it made that connection for us.

Dialogue:

The dialogue, was average at best. Most of the good lines went to Michael Keaton, Samuel L Jackson and the PR guy in the film. Everything else was relatively not note worthy. Even Alex was a very boring guy to hang onto as your main character. Thank God the story had ADD....

Who do we fake care about next?

Story Flow:

This was definitely a story that had no real focus anywhere. The main vein was "cop almost gets murdered, cop gets revived into super cop, super cop goes after bad guy who tried to kill him, super cop succeeds." However the story was completely everywhere on who it wanted to focus on.

The story is about Alex...which is the most boring central character to date. However the story bounces between Alex, his wife, Dr. Norton, Raymond Sellars, etc etc. Then, when it bounces around, the flow starts losing its continuity. Too many jumps forces the viewer to keep up with all the details and makes it difficult to it to connect with anyone.

Emotions:

This film had mixed feelings on how it wanted to portray itself. Robocop was satire and I feel they were trying to go for the satire, but decided to also incorporate some seriousness too. Which was....silly to say the least. The satire was fine by itself, however putting in real emotions about his son and his wife? meh. It was a distraction even though the writers tried to push it to become the motivator for him overriding the system. Its all in how you sell it.

Action:

COWABUNGA!!! Off the second floor.

Plenty of action in this movie, however all of it is done in first person shooter mode. Even the best scene beside the take down of the ED-2O9s was in the dark..blah. I guess that is how they got away with the PG-13 rating. Not a lot of blood and most of the swearing was at the end where Samuel L Jackson goes ape shit [But its bleeped out, blah].

It is cool however to watch the fight through Murphey's visor and experience the battle with him. Other than that, some of the fights were a little outrageous, including the fights with the ED-2O9s. I was a little disappointed though that they didn't make the ED-2O9 fall down the stairs and squeal like a pig.

The Suit:

That's top grade Fists of Justice you are wielding

Loved the new suit design. The slick black makes him look menacing and stealthy while the red visor makes the helmet look very futuristic. I loved how he was connected to every news piece that came in and the entire police database, along with facial recognition built in. Also the best thing yet was Robocop still used a gun and a taser which made him stood apart from any other cyborg/exoskeleton future films to come. The old school shooting is what makes this movie great and I'm glad they kept that instead of upgraded him into almost an Iron Man look alike.







Where I got Cyber Punk'd:
  

In the future, Blacks are the new Rethugs

1.  Samuel L Jackson's Oversize Suit Coat - 

That dude needs a new tailor, bad. Hes literally shrinking in the coat that is barely held together with one button. Its purely comical with the terrible hair.

2. I can see your liver! - 

There is a scene where Alex Murphy sees what he really is....basically a brain, face, trachea and a few organs to keep him alive. Literally no body. Its the creepiest, squeamish-inducing scene ever. I don't blame Alex for wanting to die. I think I would have felt the same....how horrifying. But man...the graphics were amazing. Very impressed with how well they created the movement of the organs. Still creepy though.

3. Alex's Haunted Car - 

There is a scene where Alex hears his car's alarm go off while he is trying to make sexy time with his wife. He then goes outside to investigate. He can't seem to make the fob work to shut off the honking. So he walks up to the car, opens the door and BOOM! I know something has to happen to get Alex into a vulnerable position to become Robocop, but holy shit...how the hell did these guys rig the car like that? And at the perfect moment? They just tagged a bomb on his car...there is no way the bomb had remote access to the car's alarm system too. So what gives?

No wonder he doesn't have a wife....

4. Creepy Ass Dali Painting? - 

What the heck did Sellars have in his office? There is like blood, and a man with a phallus inside him and some creepy dude with big feet. The painting series in the background is creepy as shit and whoever did this has issues. ISSUES, man!


5. Rice Paddys and Gasoline - 

So Omnicorp is a global corporation. Cool, got it. They have factory plants in China. OK, makes sense. And they also farm rice right outside the factory. Say what? I didn't understand why the rice paddies were so close to the factory considering that is a major food source and well, factories are not know to be the cleanest places in the world. Could the writers not think of anything more stereotypical Asian than a rice paddy right outside of an Omnicorp factory? Wasn't the Chinese writing on the walls and the Chinese people yelling in Chinese good enough for the audience? Did we need this cherry on top moment of rice paddies and hard-working, female Chinese farmers picking rice too?

6. The Red Wings Games - 

When Alex returns home as Robocop, his son says he taped and saved all the red wings games so he could watch them with his daddy. Well daddy blows him off and says another time pal, I cant stay. Yet we NEVER get to see the full circle of Alex finally sitting down and watching a game with his little boy. Or even a mention of it at the end of the film. Its like the film abandoned it....LIKE ALEX ABANDONS HIS SON. Damn foreshadowing....

Shortest villain...ever

7. Chief of Deception - 

So the Chief of Police was TRYING TO KILL HIM ALL ALONG! Holy shit. That was totally....shocker moment. There was no real set up for that at all. As many people as you follow in this film, you can't tell me you didn't have any time to set that up at least a little bit more? How did Alex jump to that conclusion in the first place? It just seemed a little random for my tastes.

8. I AM BATMAN - 

Did anyone really, really wanted Michael Keaton to say "I AM BATMAN" as he stared out the window of his office? I did.

9. 5O Calibur and Up -

The bad guy boss tells his entire grew to pick up guns 5O calibur and up. Apparently nobody was listening because in a room of twenty something guys and one Robocop, you would figure a few guys would have killed him ten times over. All they did was bust Murphy's visor. Hardly a scratch was made. Come on people! I really hate it when the bad guy misses all the time unless its important to the plot, while the good guy pops a few shots and he's a sharp shooter.

Omnicorp Security - We get paid to only look menacing

1O. Where Did that Bike Come From?

Apparently Robocop comes with a matching set motorcycle. That's great and all, but WE didn't get introduced to the bike. I know the bike doesn't do anything important except the fact that Alex doesn't gas it up once the entire film. However....that was a BIG jump from Robocop to BIKE riding Robocop.

11. What do I pay you for? -

That guard that was supposed to protect Mr. Sellars? Yeah, screw that guy. That guy didn't do a damn thing to protect him. He had a rifle in his hand and didn't do shit against Murphy. As soon as Mr. Sellars died, he literally walked away!!! Wow...great job there, Spot. Actually..this happens a few times in the movie. Including one scene where Alex shoots a dude and all 2O security guards bail out of the scene. What shitty henchman.

12. Dead Boss - 

Who took over Omnicorp after Raymond Sellars died? Was there a Vice President? And how did Norton still get the funds even though Raymond was dead? This all seems too convenient of a hit job. Maybe...just maybe...Dr. Norton was responsible for the death of Raymond Sellars. MAYBE...the real villain here is Dr. Norton. DUN DUN DUN!!!!

13. Alex's Poor Wife - 

Is there a sexy time model of Alex she can play with? I mean seriously...girl has needs.

Overall, not as bad as I expected and fairly entertaining. Probably better as a rental though for a Friday/Saturday night, but still worth taking a look. Its funny, action oriented, and sometimes a little bizarre. Great cast, decent music and a good update to a classic 8Os movie.

So I leave you with Focus's Hocus Pocus....because its clearly the most bad ass song in the movie:

What did you think of the remake of Robocop? Comment below!

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DnD Rating: 7/1O

After Credits: Nope. Nothing to see....just leave.

Dracula - The American Hippy Bloodsucker that Brings London to its Knees [ SUPER SPOILERS]

So this past weekend, I was hunting for a new show to get hooked on while waiting for The Walking Dead, Once Upon a Time, and Game of Thrones to come back. Even though I have How I Met Your Mother, their short episodes are not cutting it with my addiction for story and therefore I've been throwing quite the temperamental fit lately due to withdrawal.

Crosses are so retro Dr. Van Helsing...

Enter Dracula, a new series from NBC that came out this past year. I had seen the advertisements at Comic Con and had quickly forgotten about it afterward since I don't have cable. However I was lucky enough to find all ten episodes on Hulu. Mind you, it is RARE to find an entire season free on Hulu, so this one has to suck. The advertisers are probably dieing for fans. Maybe. At least those were my initial thoughts.

Although I discovered its not as bad as one might think. If you are a Dracula fanatic, you would be highly disappointed in this series. It is not only just another retelling, but it strays far off the beaten path. The only resemblance is simply the names, the vampire and the Order of the Dragon. But if you are more the adventurous type [or you are simply just an average vampire fan], its actually quite fun to watch.

Johnathan Rhys Meyers stars as Dracula/Alexander Grayson [Joy!]. We all know about his fabulous acting as King Henry VIII in the Tudors. Johnathan has a flair for the dramatic and he does a fine job as the mysterious, sophisticated Grayson. Alongside him is his tall and dominating servant, Renfield who is considerably well spoken and educated for the times. As well as Abraham Van Helsing, a sworn enemy in many adaptions, now his ally if not for the short term.

The moment Harker realizes he is not getting married...

But there is more, a hungry journalist, Johnathan Harker who is trying trying to claw his way up the ladder [and we all know him as the protagonist of Bram Stoker's novel]. He is paired with Miss Mina Murry who is trying to become a female doctor. By her side is her friend Lucy, a seemingly over-involved friend who we later find out is in love with Mina and tries to get closer to her.

There are many other characters, mainly those who run the Order of the Dragon that Dracula is trying to destroy. The most important would be the huntsman [I have no idea why they don't call her huntress] Lady Jayne who is sworn to hunt and destroy any vampires that stalk the streets of London. She plays a dangerous game when she acquaints herself with Mr. Grayson without really knowing who he really is. It takes a while before she figures out Mr. Grayson's identity, but we never truly know until the end.

Acting/Character Dynamics:

Sing it!:  People let me tell you bout my best friend...

Superb on most fronts. I would say that Johnathan Rhys Meyers is significantly more interesting to watch than anyone on screen. The cast is quite good and entertaining to say the least.

I really enjoyed the dynamic between Dracula and Rensfield since they are more than just Master and Servant. You can see that they are friends and quite good friends at that. Rensfield is the type of friend that would take Dracula's secret to the grave. His friendship is absolute and Dracula therefore tolerates Rensfield's slights without a single retaliation and is even considerably gentle when he had to put him back in his place the one time he overstepped his boundaries.

What is more interesting is Van Helsing's relationship in all of this. A professor of medicine, a rogue anti-hero and a bitter soul. This is the man who is responsible for the return of the mighty vampire lord if only for his own purposes. Van Helsing though is not really a likable character, usually cold and aloof. He is not beyond torture, murder or black mail. An odd touch to such a man.

Two gentleman, no cup

The rest of the characters I feel is fodder unfortunately. Pawns in a much larger scale game, a deadly game these men play. Mina is simply clueless to the insanity, Lucy is stuck in her own little world, Johnathan Harker is a tool that ends up getting used in the end, and the huntress, she seems very distracted with her man eating love affairs and political dabblings. Only a few times does she go out and hunt vampires and yet her fighting scenes seem so rushed to be anything significant.

Story Flow/Writing:

I would have to say the story is paced very well until the last two episodes. It seems the writers were in a hurry to end the season and it was disappointing how many characters were murdered all at once. It feels like they might have found out around episode 8 that they were losing their jobs, so decided to burn the whole thing to the ground. I'm fairly disappointed in that since I had hope for a second season up until then.

What I did like about the series was that Dracula had so many amazing lines that really struck me deeply. The writers really had great wit among their team and I loved how truthful they were. Tons of quotable lines is still not a substitute for such a rushed ending [probably assuming they will not have another season].


What didn't strike my fancy:

1. The Opening Sequence - 

Adore the visuals, but the intro music is lacking to say the least. Im not sure if that is typical, but I am fond of good openings. Maybe its just me...but there aren't many that strike me that well. I think the only ones Ive liked lately were Game of Thrones and The Walking Dead.

LUCY. You got a lot of esplaining to do!

2.  Harker's sudden evil - 

I understand they were building this for a while, but it still seemed rushed. Why would he just do all of this out of spite? The enemy of my enemy is my friend? I mean he could do a lot more than what he did and still had been a free agent. Hes kind of a terrible character in my eyes.

3. Lucy's Turning - 

I'm not even sure why Dracula turned Lucy. Regardless of his haphazard reason...it seemed a pointless type of revenge. And you just left a cliffhanger thread for a series that might be cancelled. CURSE YOU NBC!

4. America - 

I am super confused how Dracula got to America only to return to London. So he gets resurrected to help Van Helsing...but when in God's name did he find time to board a train in America to buy up the property of some rich yahoo only to meet Rensfield? It makes no sense how or why he would go there in the first place. In the beginning Rensfield coaches him stating "You are an American Industrialist" as if this was the first time he ever heard it. Trying to cover his accent maybe a good start...but bloody hell...England English must have a LOT more words to remove or alter than just "schedule."

Free cars and sex for everyone! I got that vampire money.

5. Gold - 

Dracula is like Tony Stark rich, but we never really were explaiend where the money came from. Its hinted he some how made his wealth in America, but we still don't understand why he was there in the first place. The problem is, he's a little too wealthy. Tossing money left and right as if he shat this stuff out every morning. How can a man be that damn wealthy? Please tell me!

6. Mina/Ilona - 

Mina spends most of her time denying whatever affection she has for Dracula, but in the end tells him she dreams about this dead version of herself all the time. If she knew this, why didn't we spend more time on her understanding who Ilona was instead of sitting around studying medicine, arguing with Harker or partying with Lucy? So many missed opportunities to develop that dream Ilona and get to know her for more of a person...instead of a screaming, burning woman.

7. The vampire chick - 

How in the world did Dracula get the vampire chick out of the Huntsman's dungeon without her noticing? It seems she strolls down there every now and then to check up on the crazy monster just for amusements sake. Was the sex really that good?

WHY DIDN'T THIS HAPPEN?!

8. Turning the Huntsman - 

Dracula's most powerful enemy could have easily been turned to serve him and yet he honorably killed her instead. Confusing and also disappointing considering how powerful and useful she would have been.

9. Confusing powers - 

So Dracula's blood can turn anyone into a vampire, yet he bites Lucy and she is now a vampire. Please brush me up on my vampire knowledge...but I feel some how that is wrong. Also he can sense seers watching him but doesn't sense the last seer watching him? And now hes like a dog and can pick up on any scent to track some one down? What can't Dracula do? And if he could easily do that...why didn't he just track the Order wait until they had a meeting, lock the doors from the outside and BURN them alive inside? Why go through so much of the Order's political BS if Drac and friends were going to kill them all at some point?

Worst weapon ever, you morpheus wannabe!

1O. The special weapon that....didn't do a thing? -

The Huntsman was given an ancient weapon from the seer and....we still have no idea what it does because she stabbed him with it and he was totally unaffected. Its strange that her toys don't work on him, but Van Helsing's toys do. What makes Van Helsing's weapons better than hers? Also WHAT in God's name does the Blood of Christ thing do for the seer? That bleeding trick is creepy. 

11. The Wire Switch Deception - 

During the big demonstration, Kalwoski, the chief engineer noticed the press that Harker let in messing with the panel. They chalked it up to them bending over to fixing their camera. My question is, why didn't Kalwoski wait until they left to recheck the panel they were near? I would have if I was that suspicious to take action and demand to know what they were doing.

Also when Harker found out they were going to blow up the whole place, why didn't he wait for Mina to arrive at the demonstration so he could grab her? Why rush all the way to the hospital when he already knew she would be there because she TOLD HIM earlier. He had ample amount of time to stop the whole thing from blowing and yet he wasted it rushing to a place he knew she wouldn't be at.

The future! IT MUST DIE.

12. Time Period Accuracy - 

I feel like the shows producers REALLY took liberties in this world and made an underline steam punk feel. That's fine if you establish that in the beginning, but it was seriously trying hard to disguise that fact. So now I'm left wondering throughout most of the episodes which devices actually existed during 1896 England. And I am PRETTY sure rave lights was not one of them.

13. Too Progressive? - 

As much as I loved the progressiveness of the characters, I felt it was too modern 21st century to really justify why there wasn't more racism/sexism within the story plot. I mean, Rensfield IS the only black guy in London, England it seems. And he runs free like a commoner which I am unsure how progressive England was at the time, but I figured he would look out of place and get more dirty looks than he had. Also women in this time period. Sure they did have "some" sexism, but not nearly enough. A woman like Lucy would have been married off a long time ago instead of playing around with boys [or girls, tee hee!]. Mina would have been disrespected constantly in her testosterone filled class of future doctors. Heck, Harker would have never dropped his pride so easily to accept Mina. But strangely, even though this has bugged me, it didn't really deter me from enjoying the show.

Can we at least get more vampire porn?

Final Thoughts: So if you are looking for an interesting show and are bored on a Friday, I would say give Dracula a try. All ten episodes are free on Hulu. However, don't take this too seriously, or your brain can hurt quite a bit. Even though it has its flaws, I really found myself drawn in by the characters. Or at the very least, Dracula. Johnathan Rhys Meyer is a fabulous actor and I hope he gets treatment in time to make a second season. Come on John...get it together. For the fans!

What did you think of the new NBC show, Dracula? Reply in the comments below!


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DnD Rating: 7/1O