3OO: Seize Your Glory! In Slow motion...

The Spartans are BACK! Except they are not. What was a promise for more of Sparta has become an abridged version of all the good parts of the Battle of Salamis, one of the most decisive battles in Greek history. Think about it...the Persians are at your doorstep with a massive invading army, three-four times the size of yours, threatening your democracy. You must rally your Greek countrymen to sacrifice fathers, brothers and sons for freedom, but the probability of victory is low. You take command of the ships you have and brace yourself for the blood and terror of war, knowing every command you make, is yours to take to the grave. Good or bad. For glory or defeat. For every Greek man and woman who depends on you. This is your moment.

This is the point where you wish you had better life insurance...

This was the problem General Themistocles faced during a challenging time in history and yes it was beautifully done on the screen in battle form as every man gazed on that even the lowly Greek sculptors and farmers STILL had better abs than them. But instead of historical accuracies, this movie took on a lot of creative license to spice up the legend left behind. Because we all know that this is a piece of history, passed down through stories, scrutinized by historians and then turned into a Frank Miller novel to sell for twenty dollars a piece.

What this movie succeeds at, it equally fails. The first 300 movie commanded a unique design in film making...slo-mo the hell out of everything with epic music while beating the shit out of Persians. The slo-mo technique was popularized by the Matrix and abused by Zack Snyder years later, further strengthening our anti-muslim sentiments. Because we all know there is not one dude in that army that was actually Greek on screen. So its basically America battling the spooky evil Jihads in Greek drama form.

First impressions:

The movie is epic, exciting and makes a great commercial for wanting to go back to the gym to get in better shape to kill Persians [funny how that works]. But that was all it was good for. As far as storyline goes, it was fairly truncated and only glazed over the Battle of Marathon and quickly ended before we even got a chance to see the defeat of the Persian navy. I also was a little nerved that I was promised Spartan abs and only got dinky Greek abs and ugly Greek men cowering in corners. Ah democracy, it makes men soft. That is, until our bold hero, Themistocles slaps them straight and urges Greece to fight. Although I was happy to see Lena Headey reprise her role as the amazingly awesome Queen Gorgo of Sparta.

This is a cool scene, but who jumps like this except ballerinas?

Graphics:

The graphics were very mood inducing and impressive as usual. There are a lot of great set up shots and beautiful landscaping. As far as grandiose comic imagery, this film had it all.

However the one big problem was the fake blood. There was a shit ton of fake blood everywhere. Got scratched by a sword...FAKE BLOOD GUSH. Got cut on the arm? MORE FAKE BLOOD. Got your skull cracked into by a sword? SUPER FAKE BLOOD EXPLOSION! It almost became comical after a while. So yeah I get it..you are killing people, but isn't the fake blood just a bit out of control here?

Story:

It was all right, there were some scenes that were unnecessary and gosh, the narration annoyed me all the way til the end. Sometimes narration will come out of no where and epically ruin the mood. For example, at the end of the movie there is a stand off between Themistocles and Artemesia [the Greek naval commander of the Persian navy], and then out of no where...LETS START NARRATING! The tension was dropped immediately for invasive story telling and therefore a very intense scene between the two becomes a buzz kill. Although I did like seeing there was more back story this time. We get to see the back story of Xerxes [barely] and Artemesia [equally as bare..but it was neat either way]. I am curious why they chose to tell both of their stories and not the story of Themistocles, our hero of the movie.

Music:

By far, the best thing about the movie. The soundtrack is very good and I will definitely pick it up for my work out regiment. Its got a great epic feel to it mixed in with an Arabic flair. Worth keeping it for story writing as well. I'm about to get swol!

She's not only a dick to slaves, she's also a dick to apples.

Acting:

The acting was well done, no complaints there. The main hero, Themistocles is fairly unknown Aussie compared to the rest of the cast, but still a fairly good actor. Of course all of the acting was dramatic because this is a considerably dramatic film. Even though I wasn't impressed look wise for Artemisia, her skills in being evil was definitely well suited in how she was played. Eva Green made an impressive display as the ruthless Greek Commander of the Persian Navy.

Best lines in the Film:

"Don't lose sight of them!" - General Persian Dude after...they instantly lose sight of the Greek ships through the fog.

"You fight harder than you f***." - Artemisia to Themistocles after he punches her in the face.


The Battle of Bad Film Making and Random Thoughts:

I notice a lot of bad stuff in my day, but its amazing how much random shit goes on in the background and foreground of this movie that throws you out of the story.

1. That random dude that dies in the background - Themistocles rushes to the boat of his arch enemy, Artemesia, fighting and stabbing everyone in his path. As far as we know only him and Artemesia stand alive on the ship after he happy stabs everyone to death. Then while Themistocles is speaking, you see a random Persian dude on the left just die and drop in the water. Was that suicide? I think it was.

2. The 'Skyrim Horse' Film Bombs the Movie - Has anyone played Skyrim? A random horse appears out of no where, so you steal said horse and run away like the asshole you are until you get off the horse. You walk away for a second to go pick some berries, or fight a dragon or some shit and when you come back, THE MOTHER EFFER IS GONE!! Yeaaaah...that is what basically happens in the film. Themistocles is fighting on one of his ships, a horse appears out of no where. He gets on the horse, rides it through fire, water, and onto another boat and gets thrown off the horse. Then the horse disappears. WHERE THE HELL DID THE HORSE COME FROM? Where did it go?! And why was there a single horse on the ship? I don't think horses like water or fire...or jumping from ship to ship. Seriously, that's the most bad ass horse in history and now its gone. You screwed up Themistocles...you should have kept that one.

My pants are magical, let me show you how they disappear!

3. The Abnormally Long Sex Session - Personally, I never liked sex scenes in movies, but most of them have a point. This one was just grossly long for no reason. It was meant to be more of a power play struggle between Artemisia and Themistocles, but it seriously was pointless. She didn't convince him and he didn't even finish on her. So I'm not sure what the point of either of that was. Also....when the hell did his pants come off? He takes off his cloak and....pants instantly disappear. And personally...if some dude said no to my offer, I wouldn't have taken a sword to his throat and kicked him off my boat. I would have chopped his wang off and tossed him over into the sea. The fact that she let him go was totally counter-productive to her goals of winning against the Greeks.

4. Apple of Evil - Why does every evil person eat a freaken apple in their scenes? What is it with apples that just are so appealing to bad people? They eat it so douchy like too. Like...I'm not going to bite into the apple, I'm going to carve pieces off of it and eat it piece by piece like a dirt bag. Who eats apples like that? Screw you and your stupid apple eating habits! And where the heck do they grow apples in Persia?

5. The Gigantic Moon - There is a scene where the moon was HUGE. Like that shit was about to crash into the earth huge. What planet are they on?? And do they realize they have more catastrophic problems with having a moon that close to the earth than their petty, hissy fit fighting? I mean, I know its a beautiful scene and that was what it was there for, but holy crap.

Man panties, big and proud.

6. Xerxes Transformation - I tell you what... Xerxes was a handsome dude before he became the freakishly tall, throat gurgling, hairless creep we all know today. I'm not sure why he became weird after his time in the desert, but not only did he shave all of his hair off [including his eyebrows...who the hell shaves their eyebrows?], he got taller, his voice got deeper, and he became very brave to wear a large golden man diaper that looks like a chastity belt. So why such a dramatic change to become the God King? Couldn't he be as convincing keeping his eyebrows? Come on Xerxes...you know better.

7. Who is cutting the wheat in Sparta? - Seriously...I really want to know! If everyone is training to kill shit, who is taking care of the lawn?

8. Hairless Bodies - I know they are hairless because they want to define the abs and muscles and yadda yadda yadda, but you are telling me there isn't a man in Greece that hasn't got a Persian rug? REALLY? Not according to all the hairy statesmen I saw in that movie.

9. Little to No Armor - OK. I know the whole point of the movie is to show how the gym can work for everyone, but seriously, hoplites did not have such little armor during that time. They had body armor that worked. I was genuinely surprised more Greek men didn't die compared to the Persian army that had full body armor. Lets be realistic here...soft pudgy vs fully armored dude. Who is going to win here?

10. Head Armor does not grant you God Mode - Twice I saw some one strike Themistocles on the head, one with an arrow and another a sword. He brushes it off like its a scratch. I don't care how bad ass you are, that shit would hurt like hell even with armor.

Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

11. Taking off the Helmet - I know the movie wants people to recognize the main characters in the story, but holy shit..everyone just takes off their helmet at the worst possible time. Yeah lets keep it on for the surprise cliff drop into the boat, but take it off while there are 5O Persians trying to run up and kill me. That makes sense. Can never be too safe.

12. The Explosion of Themistocles Boat - That TOTALLY should have killed him! That blasted right in his face. He should have been marred in the face...deaf, maybe blind and most of all dead, dead, double dead. What a crock of shit.

13. Mutant Animals - Xerxes has to be experimenting with animals...that super buff black panther is totally creepy. Am I watching the Hunger Games? President Snow, is that you?

14. Super Women Oppression - Damn...this movie had a rabid case of women oppression. Except Queen Gorgo...because she will stab your cock with her sword if you betray her.

Here they come to save the DAAAAYYY!

15. Themistocles Blue Cloak - In the beginning of the film, the narrator stated Themistocles was a generally unknown soldier. Which probably isn't true in actuality, but if it was, why did he still have the blue cloak? Most of the Athenians did not have blue cloaks, which meant to me only special people received it. Or...the producers wanted something to easily distinguish him from the crowd, but still...seriously..what was the significance?

16. Slicing Someone's Skull - You need a heavy blade to cleave through a man's skull. This happens twice in the film and the second time was less believable when we witness a thinner, lighter blade butcher through the top of a man's skull. I know I am being picky at this point, but seriously, that should have never happened.

17. Death...it can wait... - People sure take a LONG time to die in this film. King Darius..makes it all the way back to his home country before he dies. The kid's father gets brought back to shore with 3 arrow wounds, lasts long enough to see his son, have a chat and drop dead. Even Artemesia takes her time to die in the end. There must be something in the water...am I right?

18. Sparta! Now 15% Recycled - Seriously...15% of this film was recycled from the first one. I want 15% of my money back.

19. Similar Slogans - "PREPARE FOR GLORY!" - 300. "SEIZE YOUR GLORY!" - 300: Rise of an Empire. Gee...what will the marketing wizards come up with next?

20. Dead People Everywhere - When Xerxes transformed, Artemisia starts killing the shit out of every dude close to him in the palace. I mean, seriously, it was a bad day if you were best buds with the King. How does Xerxes not notice this? A bunch of random people that were close to him suddenly disappear? Really? You just didn't notice everyone that was close to you was dead all of a sudden? I can imagine the conversation now:

Xerxes: Wheres Jalalabob? 

Artemisia: Uh...hes busy. 

Xerxes: What can he possibly be busy with? I haven't seen him for weeks.

Artemisia: Well you know...stuff. Like throwing himself into the sea and drowning...or crocheting with his wife.

Xerxes: Oh, well then what about Muhammatt?

Artemisia: Hes busy too.

Xerxes: Man, is everyone busy around here? What the hell happened?

Artemisia: War. sir?

Xerxes: Oh right. War. 

Ma'am...this story is way too long. We just want to hit things.

20. The Spartans Save the Day - In the beginning, Queen Gorgo tells a story and at the end you realize she is telling it to her Spartan soldiers on their ships. So how long have they been standing there waiting to fight? Then after all that Greek struggling, the Spartans show up last minute and save the day. Thanks Spartans...thanks for showing up at the end. Assholes. Not you Lena Headey... you are still totally awesome. *female crush*

To wrap up this ever expanding list of odd complaints, I have to say that if you are looking for simple good entertainment value and motivation to run those three miles to the gym, get swol and run back, this is your film. If you are looking for something seriously deep, please save your money. Was it fun? Oh yes. It was both fun and hilarious to watch. Not the year's masterpiece, but definitely a good theater film in general. So if you are ready for your new gym plan....GO SEE 300: Rise of an Empire!

So what did you think of the film 300: Rise of an Empire? Tell me your thoughts below!

If you like my ranting and raving, please subscribe or pimp me out to your friends.

DnD Rating: 5/10

After Credits?: Nope. Just leave. The credit song is also God awful. Blah.

Sherlock - The Magnetic Sleuth Rocks Modern Day England

Mark my words, you will enjoy the tantalizing works of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes in modern day England. Starring an eccentric Benedict Cumberbatch and solid Martin Freeman. This series is for the sleuth in all of us, calling out our inner detective to solve every mystery as Sherlock does. And then laughing like we knew the answer all along [we didn't].

The best part? He doesn't even say Elementary, my Dear Watson. Thank God. A breath of fresh air and as strange as you want it, you got it. Benedict entertains as the great Sherlock Holmes, making him so enjoyable, I hardly miss *shock* Dr. House. All the great witty bantering, eccentric behavior, cutting tongue, and driving intellect has been brandished into a shining penny due to this man's talents.

The best part of the series...drunk games!

Martin Freeman is an excellent Watson, playing an ex-military doctor that needed a kick in the pants to restart his boring civilian life. However, he finds all the adventure he could ever stomach and more when he meets Holmes. They are really made for each other as they balance each other's attributes.Watson is even tempered when Sherlock is out of control, warm when Sherlock is cold, and accepting like no other friend could be to a man so out of place in this world. Watson is the rock while Sherlock is the kite.

The Good:

Acting:

All by myself...don't wanna be..oh wait, he does.

There is a magnetic quality thrown into Sherlock Holmes by the great Benedict Cumberbatch. He isn't just the superior analytical detective we all know and love. He is an arrogant one with a flavor of strange that makes him lovable, if not wacky. Superb chops are on display here and I feel at the core these characters suit them well. Playing off of each other with a warm friendship that I feel is evident even off screen.

The rest of the cast is very well conceived, bringing to life an array of colorful characters from Ms. Hudson, a sweet old woman who assured her drug dealer husband's death to the ever psychotic Moriarty who makes even the worst of us go, "what the shit is his problem?"

Effects:

The greatest effects are the ones where we get to be inside of Sherlock's mind. The texting is quite conveniently laid out too. I like the format of it being written on the wall instead of us peaking at the phone itself. Everyone gets it and its an easier, less intrusive way to keep us in the loop. We also have everything from symbols to running through mind palaces or flipping through information like an internet search. It really connects well with today's viewers in understanding his mind by illustrating it like a fast processing computer.

The Plots:

This sums up most of the series...

The plots are interesting. They are based on the original novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, but you have to wonder if each one is by the book or some are made up? There are only 4 novels, but there are 56 short stories that exist in the Sherlock Holmes universe. I have not read even close to all of them so its hard to tell if some are loosely based off of some short stories, while other episodes are made up.

As for the set up, as much as I like old England, new England is just as cool and more technology savvy. I think this modern day setting makes it easier for us to relate to Sherlock and his adventures while giving the writers an expansion of ideas to play off of compared to being limited to the technology and possible crime plots of old England. Besides that....its very overdone.

So some plots are great and some plots are not. However that is not why I watch this series. What is really important is watching Sherlock and Watson solve the case and get into trouble. In essence, this is a similar formula to House MD. Everyone knows House is going to solve the case. Nobody cares about the ending.

Everyone just wants to watch House be a total douche to everyone while he does it. Since Gregory House is based off of Sherlock Holmes, I can start to see why I really don't like the endings, nor the reveal of bad guy intent [as I mention later in this review]. Some of the reasoning is boring or not interesting enough. However watching Sherlock solve the case is, as well as who he manipulates or screws over to do it.  Its these interesting interactions he has with the world that make

Well that answers that question...

the series the most fun to watch. Everything else is just bonus.

And like all Sherlock versions, we anchor ourselves to Watson, since he is the "dummy" that asks the questions we all want to know. Although he is far from stupid and that is why Sherlock enjoys his company so much. If it were up to Sherlock, we would never get an explanation and the story would just be awful. John tends to humanize Sherlock in a way Sherlock can not, which creates an excellent balance of dynamics that keeps the story flowing.


The Bad:


The series however has some issues. For one, its only 3 episodes long per season. Granted each episode is like a movie, 1.5 hours long...it never feels long enough. We also have the problem of the season that shows up whenever it feels like. We all know Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman are both busy men, but its painfully unfair for seasons to come and go with years in-between. Dreadful even. Who can stand waiting? Why does the series producers choose to do this to their audience? Is it really worth the wait or does it always leave a bad taste with the cliff hangers for years to come? How does one build a fan base based on inconsistency? Who knows, but this series certainly has done it.

Villains:

As I stated earlier, "Was I impressed with the villains?" I don't know about that. This is the single biggest complaint I have of the series. The villains don't strike me as some one I want to hate, but more a get under your skin type of irritation, which makes it hard to get into them.

And apparently he plays the pringles guy on the side too.

The nonsensical chaos of Moriarty bugs me as even the most crazy of bad guys make sense in some manner. I was very upset that the writers chose to kill off Moriarty in the least gratifying way. It was injustice as far as story telling goes. The hero never gets to defeat the bad guy, the bad guy defeats himself to pigeon hole Sherlock.

And what about the last bad guy in season 3? Magnussen [does that sound like cold medication to you? Or maybe the name we would give to snot]? He is the worst of them all. His biggest weapon is knowledge, similar to Sherlock Holmes, but used in a way to black mail people. I was personally glad Sherlock shot him right in the head, but I was more hoping Watson would have due to the face flicking. Like I said...Villains...very irritating lot and I'm not sure if they handle them the way I expect. So at least its a surprise each time.

Blood, Boobs, Blocked?

Evil Sherlock on the Horizon?

This series really should be put on HBO. Maybe I am just a little too use to a new breed of violent television, but the whole show seems rather soft in its display of violence and everything else. Granted, I really don't like seeing sex scenes, so I'm OK with never seeing that. However the little blood there is seems odd to me.

Maybe you can argue its not that type of show, but there is a pristine innocence I find off putting. I am glad Sherlock went dark and killed some one. I hope he becomes darker as the series progresses. It would be interesting. Especially if 'you know who' is still in the picture.

Think of it this way...the whole Batman concept. "Either you die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain." Not that I want him to be a villain per say, but changed in a way that pushes his character forward into the shadows. I want him a bit unhinged for a while....since the last guy actually outsmarted him. I can see that as a jumping point to explore a new depth of Sherlock that we haven't gotten a chance to see yet.


The Ugly: [And the biggest gripes go to....]

Lets pull out the laundry list of undead mofos...

WHY DOES NOBODY EVER DIE IN THIS SERIES?! Christ.

Season 3 - Last Episode - A lot of WTFs and a mess of a story. I was not happy with how they worked the episode in general. It was more sloppy and random than past episodes. Especially after coming off a good high with the first two, this was the messiest I had seen in a while.

Way too many things going on at once and the whole mind palace sequence with Sherlock's dying scene was just too over the top. The episode felt rushed and packed with too much NEW information that didn't need to be there. Either way, I am still looking forward to the next season. TRY AGAIN, WRITERS! I know you can do it!

What do you think of the TV series, Sherlock? Tell me in the comments below!

If you like my reviews or want to hear me rant or rave about something else, subscribe, suggest, get involved! I would love to hear from all of you.

DnD Rating: 9/1O