3OO: Seize Your Glory! In Slow motion...

The Spartans are BACK! Except they are not. What was a promise for more of Sparta has become an abridged version of all the good parts of the Battle of Salamis, one of the most decisive battles in Greek history. Think about it...the Persians are at your doorstep with a massive invading army, three-four times the size of yours, threatening your democracy. You must rally your Greek countrymen to sacrifice fathers, brothers and sons for freedom, but the probability of victory is low. You take command of the ships you have and brace yourself for the blood and terror of war, knowing every command you make, is yours to take to the grave. Good or bad. For glory or defeat. For every Greek man and woman who depends on you. This is your moment.

This is the point where you wish you had better life insurance...

This was the problem General Themistocles faced during a challenging time in history and yes it was beautifully done on the screen in battle form as every man gazed on that even the lowly Greek sculptors and farmers STILL had better abs than them. But instead of historical accuracies, this movie took on a lot of creative license to spice up the legend left behind. Because we all know that this is a piece of history, passed down through stories, scrutinized by historians and then turned into a Frank Miller novel to sell for twenty dollars a piece.

What this movie succeeds at, it equally fails. The first 300 movie commanded a unique design in film making...slo-mo the hell out of everything with epic music while beating the shit out of Persians. The slo-mo technique was popularized by the Matrix and abused by Zack Snyder years later, further strengthening our anti-muslim sentiments. Because we all know there is not one dude in that army that was actually Greek on screen. So its basically America battling the spooky evil Jihads in Greek drama form.

First impressions:

The movie is epic, exciting and makes a great commercial for wanting to go back to the gym to get in better shape to kill Persians [funny how that works]. But that was all it was good for. As far as storyline goes, it was fairly truncated and only glazed over the Battle of Marathon and quickly ended before we even got a chance to see the defeat of the Persian navy. I also was a little nerved that I was promised Spartan abs and only got dinky Greek abs and ugly Greek men cowering in corners. Ah democracy, it makes men soft. That is, until our bold hero, Themistocles slaps them straight and urges Greece to fight. Although I was happy to see Lena Headey reprise her role as the amazingly awesome Queen Gorgo of Sparta.

This is a cool scene, but who jumps like this except ballerinas?

Graphics:

The graphics were very mood inducing and impressive as usual. There are a lot of great set up shots and beautiful landscaping. As far as grandiose comic imagery, this film had it all.

However the one big problem was the fake blood. There was a shit ton of fake blood everywhere. Got scratched by a sword...FAKE BLOOD GUSH. Got cut on the arm? MORE FAKE BLOOD. Got your skull cracked into by a sword? SUPER FAKE BLOOD EXPLOSION! It almost became comical after a while. So yeah I get it..you are killing people, but isn't the fake blood just a bit out of control here?

Story:

It was all right, there were some scenes that were unnecessary and gosh, the narration annoyed me all the way til the end. Sometimes narration will come out of no where and epically ruin the mood. For example, at the end of the movie there is a stand off between Themistocles and Artemesia [the Greek naval commander of the Persian navy], and then out of no where...LETS START NARRATING! The tension was dropped immediately for invasive story telling and therefore a very intense scene between the two becomes a buzz kill. Although I did like seeing there was more back story this time. We get to see the back story of Xerxes [barely] and Artemesia [equally as bare..but it was neat either way]. I am curious why they chose to tell both of their stories and not the story of Themistocles, our hero of the movie.

Music:

By far, the best thing about the movie. The soundtrack is very good and I will definitely pick it up for my work out regiment. Its got a great epic feel to it mixed in with an Arabic flair. Worth keeping it for story writing as well. I'm about to get swol!

She's not only a dick to slaves, she's also a dick to apples.

Acting:

The acting was well done, no complaints there. The main hero, Themistocles is fairly unknown Aussie compared to the rest of the cast, but still a fairly good actor. Of course all of the acting was dramatic because this is a considerably dramatic film. Even though I wasn't impressed look wise for Artemisia, her skills in being evil was definitely well suited in how she was played. Eva Green made an impressive display as the ruthless Greek Commander of the Persian Navy.

Best lines in the Film:

"Don't lose sight of them!" - General Persian Dude after...they instantly lose sight of the Greek ships through the fog.

"You fight harder than you f***." - Artemisia to Themistocles after he punches her in the face.


The Battle of Bad Film Making and Random Thoughts:

I notice a lot of bad stuff in my day, but its amazing how much random shit goes on in the background and foreground of this movie that throws you out of the story.

1. That random dude that dies in the background - Themistocles rushes to the boat of his arch enemy, Artemesia, fighting and stabbing everyone in his path. As far as we know only him and Artemesia stand alive on the ship after he happy stabs everyone to death. Then while Themistocles is speaking, you see a random Persian dude on the left just die and drop in the water. Was that suicide? I think it was.

2. The 'Skyrim Horse' Film Bombs the Movie - Has anyone played Skyrim? A random horse appears out of no where, so you steal said horse and run away like the asshole you are until you get off the horse. You walk away for a second to go pick some berries, or fight a dragon or some shit and when you come back, THE MOTHER EFFER IS GONE!! Yeaaaah...that is what basically happens in the film. Themistocles is fighting on one of his ships, a horse appears out of no where. He gets on the horse, rides it through fire, water, and onto another boat and gets thrown off the horse. Then the horse disappears. WHERE THE HELL DID THE HORSE COME FROM? Where did it go?! And why was there a single horse on the ship? I don't think horses like water or fire...or jumping from ship to ship. Seriously, that's the most bad ass horse in history and now its gone. You screwed up Themistocles...you should have kept that one.

My pants are magical, let me show you how they disappear!

3. The Abnormally Long Sex Session - Personally, I never liked sex scenes in movies, but most of them have a point. This one was just grossly long for no reason. It was meant to be more of a power play struggle between Artemisia and Themistocles, but it seriously was pointless. She didn't convince him and he didn't even finish on her. So I'm not sure what the point of either of that was. Also....when the hell did his pants come off? He takes off his cloak and....pants instantly disappear. And personally...if some dude said no to my offer, I wouldn't have taken a sword to his throat and kicked him off my boat. I would have chopped his wang off and tossed him over into the sea. The fact that she let him go was totally counter-productive to her goals of winning against the Greeks.

4. Apple of Evil - Why does every evil person eat a freaken apple in their scenes? What is it with apples that just are so appealing to bad people? They eat it so douchy like too. Like...I'm not going to bite into the apple, I'm going to carve pieces off of it and eat it piece by piece like a dirt bag. Who eats apples like that? Screw you and your stupid apple eating habits! And where the heck do they grow apples in Persia?

5. The Gigantic Moon - There is a scene where the moon was HUGE. Like that shit was about to crash into the earth huge. What planet are they on?? And do they realize they have more catastrophic problems with having a moon that close to the earth than their petty, hissy fit fighting? I mean, I know its a beautiful scene and that was what it was there for, but holy crap.

Man panties, big and proud.

6. Xerxes Transformation - I tell you what... Xerxes was a handsome dude before he became the freakishly tall, throat gurgling, hairless creep we all know today. I'm not sure why he became weird after his time in the desert, but not only did he shave all of his hair off [including his eyebrows...who the hell shaves their eyebrows?], he got taller, his voice got deeper, and he became very brave to wear a large golden man diaper that looks like a chastity belt. So why such a dramatic change to become the God King? Couldn't he be as convincing keeping his eyebrows? Come on Xerxes...you know better.

7. Who is cutting the wheat in Sparta? - Seriously...I really want to know! If everyone is training to kill shit, who is taking care of the lawn?

8. Hairless Bodies - I know they are hairless because they want to define the abs and muscles and yadda yadda yadda, but you are telling me there isn't a man in Greece that hasn't got a Persian rug? REALLY? Not according to all the hairy statesmen I saw in that movie.

9. Little to No Armor - OK. I know the whole point of the movie is to show how the gym can work for everyone, but seriously, hoplites did not have such little armor during that time. They had body armor that worked. I was genuinely surprised more Greek men didn't die compared to the Persian army that had full body armor. Lets be realistic here...soft pudgy vs fully armored dude. Who is going to win here?

10. Head Armor does not grant you God Mode - Twice I saw some one strike Themistocles on the head, one with an arrow and another a sword. He brushes it off like its a scratch. I don't care how bad ass you are, that shit would hurt like hell even with armor.

Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

11. Taking off the Helmet - I know the movie wants people to recognize the main characters in the story, but holy shit..everyone just takes off their helmet at the worst possible time. Yeah lets keep it on for the surprise cliff drop into the boat, but take it off while there are 5O Persians trying to run up and kill me. That makes sense. Can never be too safe.

12. The Explosion of Themistocles Boat - That TOTALLY should have killed him! That blasted right in his face. He should have been marred in the face...deaf, maybe blind and most of all dead, dead, double dead. What a crock of shit.

13. Mutant Animals - Xerxes has to be experimenting with animals...that super buff black panther is totally creepy. Am I watching the Hunger Games? President Snow, is that you?

14. Super Women Oppression - Damn...this movie had a rabid case of women oppression. Except Queen Gorgo...because she will stab your cock with her sword if you betray her.

Here they come to save the DAAAAYYY!

15. Themistocles Blue Cloak - In the beginning of the film, the narrator stated Themistocles was a generally unknown soldier. Which probably isn't true in actuality, but if it was, why did he still have the blue cloak? Most of the Athenians did not have blue cloaks, which meant to me only special people received it. Or...the producers wanted something to easily distinguish him from the crowd, but still...seriously..what was the significance?

16. Slicing Someone's Skull - You need a heavy blade to cleave through a man's skull. This happens twice in the film and the second time was less believable when we witness a thinner, lighter blade butcher through the top of a man's skull. I know I am being picky at this point, but seriously, that should have never happened.

17. Death...it can wait... - People sure take a LONG time to die in this film. King Darius..makes it all the way back to his home country before he dies. The kid's father gets brought back to shore with 3 arrow wounds, lasts long enough to see his son, have a chat and drop dead. Even Artemesia takes her time to die in the end. There must be something in the water...am I right?

18. Sparta! Now 15% Recycled - Seriously...15% of this film was recycled from the first one. I want 15% of my money back.

19. Similar Slogans - "PREPARE FOR GLORY!" - 300. "SEIZE YOUR GLORY!" - 300: Rise of an Empire. Gee...what will the marketing wizards come up with next?

20. Dead People Everywhere - When Xerxes transformed, Artemisia starts killing the shit out of every dude close to him in the palace. I mean, seriously, it was a bad day if you were best buds with the King. How does Xerxes not notice this? A bunch of random people that were close to him suddenly disappear? Really? You just didn't notice everyone that was close to you was dead all of a sudden? I can imagine the conversation now:

Xerxes: Wheres Jalalabob? 

Artemisia: Uh...hes busy. 

Xerxes: What can he possibly be busy with? I haven't seen him for weeks.

Artemisia: Well you know...stuff. Like throwing himself into the sea and drowning...or crocheting with his wife.

Xerxes: Oh, well then what about Muhammatt?

Artemisia: Hes busy too.

Xerxes: Man, is everyone busy around here? What the hell happened?

Artemisia: War. sir?

Xerxes: Oh right. War. 

Ma'am...this story is way too long. We just want to hit things.

20. The Spartans Save the Day - In the beginning, Queen Gorgo tells a story and at the end you realize she is telling it to her Spartan soldiers on their ships. So how long have they been standing there waiting to fight? Then after all that Greek struggling, the Spartans show up last minute and save the day. Thanks Spartans...thanks for showing up at the end. Assholes. Not you Lena Headey... you are still totally awesome. *female crush*

To wrap up this ever expanding list of odd complaints, I have to say that if you are looking for simple good entertainment value and motivation to run those three miles to the gym, get swol and run back, this is your film. If you are looking for something seriously deep, please save your money. Was it fun? Oh yes. It was both fun and hilarious to watch. Not the year's masterpiece, but definitely a good theater film in general. So if you are ready for your new gym plan....GO SEE 300: Rise of an Empire!

So what did you think of the film 300: Rise of an Empire? Tell me your thoughts below!

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DnD Rating: 5/10

After Credits?: Nope. Just leave. The credit song is also God awful. Blah.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug...Featuring: Dungeons, Sexy Tree Surfing Elves, Whiny Dragons, and the Itsy Bitsy BIG ASS SPIDERS

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the second installment of the over grandiose journey from the 300 page book that we all know and love. One that I am still shocked that is being split into three very long movies. Now the Desolation of Smaug continues the story of Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and a band of determined dwarves in their quest to get Erebor back from the wicked dragon, Smaug. Considering this is the meat of the story arc, it is definitely more action packed than the first.

It’s a tale we can all say, is made longer through many side stories that didn’t exist in the book, yet still adds a more interesting twist as it weaves parts of the Lord of the Rings into the prequel. Jackson is clearly preparing to sync The Hobbit with the rest of the trilogy as if it was part of his plans all along.

Bard's a bad ass...j/k guys, he runs for his life most of the movie

So what is different about the movie? It’s been a while since I read the Hobbit, but a few things that stand out are Legolas and Tauriel, Gandalf’s epic battle against the necromancer, as well as Bard’s renegade side story. Purists will snub their nose at the vast changes Jackson has made, but I have to argue that Jackson follows the book quite closely and still delivers the most fantastically detailed version of these stories to date. 

The one change I appreciated was finding out where Gandalf is running off to as it was never explained in the book. It was very typical for Gandalf to dip out of the picture without as much of a word of where he was going except to tend to some “wizard” business that didn’t concern the rest of the mortals of middle-earth.
 

Story:

Overall, well done. We start seeing the effects of the ring on Bilbo even more in this movie as well as a lot more action considering this is part of the rising climax of the story arc for the Hobbit. Although the consistent capturing of the dwarves got old as it happens three different times in this movie, one after another. There just seems like more is happening in this movie than the first one, especially the whole battle with Smaug inside the Lonely Mountain was pretty cool to watch. The elves were great as always and I personally love watching them. Its a shame we didn't get to stay in Mirkwood too long to get to discover a bit more about Legolas's history and how he escaped his father's hideous eyebrow gene.

Beorn goes super saiyan on his spare time

The dynamics between the characters are interesting to note as well. I like how they handled Beorn, although he looked different then how I imagined him, the one thing they definitely got right was his size. I remember him being quite huge. I feel like Jackson made an effort to distinguish the more important characters this time around. The rest of the dwarves though, kind of faded into the background as side characters. A few of them barely had any lines at all instead of the first where I remember everyone of them had at least something to say or contribute. I came to expect that not everyone needs to have equal time. This story really is about Bilbo, Thorin and Gandalf for the most part. Everyone else is just there along for the ride.

I had heard some commentary about how the movie felt, as it ended quite abruptly . Usually I would agree, but I was pretty clear on where the ending was going to be in this movie. Toward the end of the epic battle of Smaug vs. the dwarves, I knew some where this is going to cut off. The closing lines "I am fire, I am death" gave me a feeling of closure around that point. It was pretty clear where the ending was for me. So I wonder if anyone else picked up on that feeling of finality?

CGI:

The CGI gives me mixed feelings at best. At times Smaug looked incredible and exactly how I would envision a menacing, fire-breathing terror. The skin of his throat had me amazed on how realistic it looked in its movement. However there were times where Smaug looked only OK and I feel the close-ups of his face were the worst of it. CGI was used heavily in this film and came into account with the wargs, elves, orcs, and anything else done in multiples. The blend between CGI orcs and real painted orcs was highly noticeable in close fight scenes, making it some what awful once you noticed how different in quality they appeared. Makes me wonder why they didn't blend them a bit better. Peter should know better by now on how easily noticeable a CGI orc and a real orc's movements could differ. The same goes with the tree surfing elves.

Fight Scenes:

The couple that kills together, stays together...

The most outrageous part of the movie were the fight scenes with the dwarves and the elves. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure all of these people are skilled warriors. However the way they managed to slaughter a whole army of orcs or spiders was over the top. Something I would expect more from amateur movies that needed a good laugh, not this one. The Hobbit was designed to be humorous, but I expected things to make more logical sense. Because real fighting is important in fairy tales.


What bothers me the most is this new trend of allowing the fantasy of a bowman to be able to literally go "destructo mode” in close range combat. Its literally ridiculous and getting out of hand in movies. A bow is a long range weapon, people. Its not designed to be used in a life or death situation.  Thank God, Legolas finally pulled out a sword to fight, because God forbid they may need a close range weapon to sustain a fight that a bow can not handle. Buuut..he does go back to using his bow again because you know...its cool and shit. Style points, homie. Its all about the style points.

This is what all husband's fear most...

Gandalf’s Excellent Adventure:

At one point Gandalf has the most gnarly fight in the movie between light and darkness. The coolest CGI fight in my opinion goes to the Grey Wizard and his nemesis, Sauron. 

And then the acid kicks in and the old man is trippin hard right into an iron cage. Beats me why darkness won here, but apparently Sauron has that effect on people. The result is pretty fantastical, I must say.

Prince Legolas's Unnatural Appearance in HD!:

So here is Legolas in the first movie. You can tell this was ten years ago, so he looks more natural and less super HD like. His hair was also more of a golden color in the film and his eyes, even though were blue, sometimes looked brown in some photos on the internet. The elves are supposed to be ungodly beautiful, so I accepted he was a pretty boy with a bow in this movie.



The quality of the new HD has given Legolas an almost unrealistic masking appearance. His hair is also more whitish/silver blond than golden. Legolas did not age that much between The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. As his father states in the movie, "A hundred years is a blink of an eye for an elf." 6O years is barely anything for this young Prince, so the subtle differences shouldn't have been as noticeable as they were.

  What Smaug Should Have Desolated

BURN! MY PRETTY! BURN!

1. The asshole who invented stairs and narrow, elevated pathways:

 In the process of watching our heroes step across each pathway and climb up every stair case, my first wonder is "where the piss are the guard rails?" I can't imagine there was never an elf, dwarf or human that didn't accidentally fall off these platforms at one point or another. Am I right? What is up with Middle Earth and walking on platforms with nothing to protect you from falling your ass all the way down a mine shaft? OSHA would be so all over this. That is what Middle-Earth needs...OSHA.

Where are those fruity, tree surfing elves when you need them?

2. Flimsy Webbing:

The point of spiders is that they are nasty things that can spin the strongest of webbing to trap their poor victims. In the Hobbit, apparently that is not true. Not only was it easy for everyone to escape out of the webbing, but it was easy for them to fall through them and onto the ground. 

If these webs are strong enough to support massive spiders crawling over them, they should be strong enough to catch falling people. It was a lazily performed escape in my opinion.





3. Thranduil's eyebrows:     

Exhibit A. Charming

Exhibit B. Child Molester

Exhibit A. This is the actor, Lee Pace. The eyebrows don't look so bad on him. In fact, he's quite handsome.

Exhibit B. This is actor, Lee Pace on elf crack. Look at those eyebrows! BEHOLD THE EYEBROWS!

This is seriously all you see the entire time you watch Thranduil.

4. Peter Jackson's carrot cameos:

For those who haven't seen the movie yet. In the first 3 seconds of the start, director, Peter Jackson walks out  in front of the camera and bites into a carrot. Apparently this drunk guy is STILL eating carrots in Bree many years after in the Lord of the Rings. Which makes NO sense at all because The Hobbit takes place 6O years BEFORE the Lord of the Rings. That carrot eating drunk would be dead by now. Probably from being trampled by horses as he is passed out in the streets.

5. Wormtongue's replacement...unibrow man: 

I'm sexy and I know it.

The conniving servant of the Master of Laketown, unibrow man, also known as Alfrid, seems very much like a Grima Wormtongue like character. Whispering in the master's ears, telling him who is against him. The man is in short stature compared to the man who runs the city. I personally hate this character. One, because it was a carbon copy of the slimy Wormtongue that was in the original books. Two, because he has a hideous unibrow which OF COURSE HE IS THE BAD GUY. Three, because without him, the chasing Bard subplot wouldn't exist. In the book, Bard was not a fugitive and this man is the whole reason Bard has like 99 problems. I say get rid of him. Do we need him? No. Jackson just wanted more conflict.


6. The Two Thugs in the Beginning:

Their stare...was absolutely hysterical. I started laughing immediately due to the cartoonish fixation they had on Thorin. If Thorin couldn't figure out he was in danger I would say turn in your sword, buddy. You don't deserve to be King Underneath the Mountain. What a terrible bunch of contract hit men.

7. Teleportation: 

You mean you had this ability the entire time?!

There is a scene in the movie where they finally get to the lonely mountain, something failed in their plans and they decided to head back down. It was CLEAR in several shots that Bilbo was alone when he discovered the keyhole. No dwarf to be found. They all went down the carved stone sword of the giant stone dwarf and vanished. Jumping for joy, Bilbo accidently drops the key and it is caught by Thorin showing up with ALL of the dwarves! First off...there is no effin way Bilbo couldn't have heard them racing back up. The dwarves are noisy as shit and are half the reason they get in trouble. Second, there was no way all of them got up that quickly. Maybe Thorin since he was the last to leave, but every one of them? If they had that ability all along, they certainly waited a long ass time to reveal it.


8. DING! MAIL TIME!:

Azog plays peekaboo with the dwarves

It was the most bizarre thing. Azog was closing in on the dwarves and out of no where an orc rode in and gave him a summoning! How in the world did they find Azog and his crew? Do they have trackers in middle earth? Like a Track an Orc App? It was such a buzz kill and I think Azog felt the same. Finally...dwarf flesh is so close to feast upon and then....

Random Orc: Sorry, I know you are about to have dinner, but the dark one needs you right now.

Azog: Right now?

Random Orc: Right now.

Azog: WHAT THE FUUUUUUuuuuuDDDDgggggge? [what? All orcs scream death metal when they are angry]

9. The Wargs:

I will say it once, and I will say it again. THE WARGS SUCK in Jackson's Lord of the Rings. I always imagined the warg's to be these sentient wolves that were more intelligent than riding hogs. They took one of my favorite species in this universe and really dumbed them down.

9. Smaug's whininess: 

Dun...Dun....DUUUUNNN!!!

First off, I love dragons. Ask me what I love most...Ironman comes first, Dragons second. Smaug struck me as an incredibly whiny brat of a beast. When the dwarves get the best of him inside the mountain, all Smaug did besides piss out fire was moan about how unfair they were being and how everyone is against him. Then he turns and whines "If I can't defeat you, ILL JUST BURN EVERYONE YOU LOVE!" *SNIFF!* OK, he didn't say that, but close enough.  It was amazing how this big, tough, arrogant dragon seemed so darn bratty and whiny when he couldn't snuff out a band of dimwitted dwarves.


DnD's Rating: 8/1O

What did you think of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug? Comment below!

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After the Credits? None, unfortunately. Guess we will have to wait to finish this chapter next year. Augh.

Thor 2: The Dark World - Lets face it, Loki is the ONLY REASON this movie exists...

Thor 2: The Dark World has thundered into theaters with a mighty roar and frankly has came out with some scars, but still victorious at 65% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I can't say I am fond of the Thor movies. The first one was horrible and a waste of a good actress [Natalie Portman]. Yes, yes, I admit, Chris Hemsworth [Thor] is hot. Standing at a gallant 6'4 and bulging muscles, he does at least look yummy with his shirt off [which we totally never get enough of Marvel *hint hint*]. But his character is as dry and boring as cardboard. There is just no edge to Thor. He is the good son and like all good sons, must always do the right thing. The only thing that was good about the first movie was Loki and their brotherly bickering dynamic. And lets face it, Loki is the ONLY REASON this movie got a decent rating.
 
First Impressions:

This is the movie in a nutshell...

Think of Star Wars mixed with Lord of the Rings with a hint of Asgard and Quantum Leap. This is all kinds of mixed up on what genre it wants to be. I was miffed at all the classic star wars sounds and spacecrafts that were moving around. The Night Elves also seemed like a complete waste of story space as they only advanced the plot with very little purpose and even less passion.

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of fun moments in this movie. It was awesome to see Chris Evans [Captain America] make a small cameo. The likability of this flick was Loki's greatest trick yet, even with its infinite amount of flaws. The movie was definitely better than the first. However I still have a lot of bones to pick with it.






Story:

Night elves look strangely like Romulans from the movie, 3OO

The story was, for the lack of better words, not terrible. They had an interesting premise that got really muddled up by character dynamics and drama. So the Night Elves want eternal darkness and Asgard does not. Then the worlds are going to align and collide, but its OK because we just got to wait when they are out of alignment. Oh wait, that's right some ancient evil is sitting under a rock that can EASILY escape into a host and wretch on the world with its super infinite abilities. Which makes me wonder why it stayed under the rock for so long if it could easily escape?

So, any way, the Night Elves want their super blood powers back so they can bring eternal darkness during the 9 realm alignment. This is basically the most convenient cluster of the year that only could happen in a comic universe. Natalie Portman has a bigger role but is just as useless and pathetic as normal. She spends the first half of the movie moping around that her Viking God boyfriend hasn't came back in 2 years. Then she spends the second half freaking out, sleeping and maybe doing some useful science shit. OH yeah. That's right. We all forgot didn't we? She's a scientist...her power is science. And yet she still manages to be so useless it just eats me up inside.

The good thing is there are a lot of GREAT references to the Avengers in this movie and Loki of course. Which brings me to the whole discussion on why this movie made my "Give a Shit" list.

Loki:

And this is why Loki can't have nice things...

Yes I had to make my own category. This guy is phenomenal. Loki is your down to the word, perfect archetype of the "Trickster/Joker" character. Loki will never be a leading role character [at least not in these movies], but he is truly the best thing about them. For him to be completely removed would give a drawn-out, bland story about Thor and his completely dependent girlfriend, Jane. Unlike the two of them, Loki is witty and full of great lines and fun. He is written as the comic relief even within his sinister nature.

I also would like to add that he keeps this rather cheesy story light as Thor is a boorish oaf that takes himself way too seriously. Loki balances the movie out perfectly with his carefree, yet manipulative demeanor. Tom Hiddleston [Loki] is really the best thing that ever happened to these movies. He has more passion and motive than Thor could ever have and I at least respect his motives even if they are wrong. I think I felt more emotions about Loki receiving the news about his mother's death than Thor witnessing it. Loki never had a chance to say goodbye.



Favorite Loki line:

Random Asgard Friend: If you betray him...
Loki: ...you'll kill you? Evidently there will be a line.


The BEEF:

Beef #1: There is not enough of this, marvel!

Technology: Holy crap make up your fricken mind, Marvel! Asgard..."where the one ring to rule"...I'm sorry wrong story. What I mean to say was, "Where technology meets magic!" Its like this world is upside down. We have technology and magic for days to shoot, protect and murder things, but we don't have enough to help save people who got stabbed? You know how hard it is to die from stabbing Marvel?? In a world with that much magic and technology at that? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?? Also why does it take FOREVER to get that magical shield up? Asgard, I know you are ancient as the dawn of time, but I'm pretty sure you could have built a faster generating shield than that!

And the most irrelevant death of the year goes to...

The Stabbing: Who gets stabbed once and dies instantly? Why are Asgardian women so frail? Why weren't there more guards in the room? Why do guards suck at shooting rather large objects? Why didn't she cast her own tricks so she wouldn't die? She can't do two tricks at once?

Meaningless Deaths: I know, I know. I am still on the stabbing deal. However this happens more
than once in this movie. They didn't build Frigga's character up enough for me to feel even an ounce of emotion when she died. She had a whole ceremony with the rest of the dead people to be casted out into sea on fire. This is a tradition I thought was only for rich people, but they did this for all of the dead as well. I didn't see this in the first movie. Were the people who died in the first movie given the middle finger?

The Jealousy that Never Was: So warrior Asgard chick wants Thor to park in her garage and SOME HOW this side plot vanishes half way through the movie. Why? Why would Marvel elude to a possible jealousy, cat fight problem when Jane came back into the picture and not follow through? She's not jealous anymore? Bull shit.

Evil juju gets around like the HIVs...

Inconsistent Effects of Evil JuJu: When Jane possesses the evil juju, she's as cute as ever...except when her eyes turn black...or blue...or whatever the special effects department feels like that day. However with the Night Elf..his skin tone turns ashy grey and his eyes turn red. Except when its blue again. PICK A COLOR SCHEME AND STICK WITH IT.

Cutting a hand off with a dagger: I know we all want to believe some one can chop a hand off with a dagger, but seriously? I was really skeptical when I saw this and if I was skeptical, Night Elf man should have been SUPER skeptical! There is no way you can hack off a man's hand with a dagger in a clean swipe. I knew after I saw that he DIDN'T BLEED, unless the dagger has cauterizing capabilities, that this was an illusion for sure.

Good ol pops...he gives great gifts.

Thor Never Gets in Trouble: So Thor breaks all the laws  and he doesn't get in trouble? Why? Did his friends get in trouble? Is it his dashing good looks or the "I want my son to be king" ordeal? I can see why Loki hates his guts. The kid is invulnerable to punishment!

Thor's Magic Hammer: I feel sorry for Thor's hammer. It is always so reliable and always comes when he whistles. But falling between worlds sounds like a drag. His hammer is hopping into space, dropping back down, going back into space. I can see his hammer screaming "MAKE UP YOUR MIND THOR! Stay in one realm damn it!"

Captain Coincidence Strikes!: I hate to say this, but when Jane and Thor ran into the cave and found the wormhole that can take them back to her world instead of getting stuck in the dark world, that really was way too convenient for the plot. There was no struggle, desperation or feelings of being lost forever. There was a "Oh look, we just happen to find the cave that goes back to my world. Cool. That was easy."

So overall, yes I bashed the movie quite a bit, but like I said before, it was not all bad. Great actors, good dialogue really make the bulk of why this is 65% fresh. However its story law inconsistencies and meaningless plot movements tend to shadow the good this film has. Thor still has a long way to go, but it can't be worse than Captain America, can it? can it???

I leave you to ponder this...

What did you think of the new Thor movie? Let me know!

DnD's Movie Rating: 6/1O

Bonus Clips at the End? You bet! There are two clips at the end. DON'T MISS OUT! One comes shortly after the credits start and the other is after the end of the credits. Enjoy!