Godzilla: Perpetuating the Reality that FEMA Still Sucks at Disaster Relief

All Hail the KING! Godzilla roars into theaters and I was so ready for a monster/disaster film to make up for that awful 1998 version of "GINO" [Godzilla In Name Only]. This movie goes back to the core of what Godzilla was about. He isn't just some monster wrecking the city, he's a monster that battles other monsters who wreck the city while also wrecking the city. And he's also the people's monster, fighting for the good of the land while being mistaken as a non-cuddly version of Barney. Godzilla has shown that he is an alpha predator, a shark in the water, and a MUTO stomping, shit kicking hero of the lands.

The Angels of Death Have Arrived

Down and Dirty [just how you like it]:

So what can I say about this movie? It was pretty awesome. One of the best films I had seen in a while. This is one of the rare moments where expectations meet fulfillment and I love me some carnage porn. There is so much carnage porn I was wondering when the Jaegars/Gundams/Mechas/Giant Robots were going to come out to play.

The story was great, we got to see a lot of Godzilla battling the forces of evil, everything gets destroyed and we even get to see some G rated MUTO mating. Aww they nuzzled when they met, that's so cute! The only thing I have to say about this movie are the characters. Compared to the awesomeness of Godzilla, everyone was practically a co-star and boring ones at that. The best character was honestly crazy ass Bryan Cranston, giving one of the best performances of this movie, and he dies way too quick for us to get to know his character better. His son, Ford, however, is incredibly emotionless, boring, serious and not up to snuff [sorry Aaron Taylor Johnson...this just wasn't your movie]. If you are looking for a good disaster flick this season, Godzilla will delight!

Story:

The story is pretty intense. It starts with a disaster and ends with a happy ending...after four cities have been demolished. The story is about a man who lost his wife to a tragic accident at the power plant they both work at due to an earthquake. Years later the husband continues his madness by trying to discover the truth of the cause of his wife's death. His son, Ford is now in the United States Navy as an Explosive Ordnance Disposal Officer and has a stable life with his wife and son back in San Francisco.

Ford goes back to Japan when he gets a call that his father was arrested for trespassing. So he heads back to bail him out and tries to convince him to come back with him to the US. However his father, convinced that the Japanese are covering up the power plant accident, convinces Ford to head back to Janjira to get the data from their home and finally put this to rest. Until....they get arrested and taken to the plant where a giant egg is being fed radiation in secret by Project M.U.T.O and two purposes converge. Then shit goes to hell and then the monster hunt begins!

Characters:

We are onto you Bryan. We know you act like Hal backstage.

The characters could have been a bit more interesting. I am generally conflicted though. The movie is really about Godzilla, so you don't want to take the spotlight away from him. But Lt Brody could have been way more interesting than how he was portrayed. Everyone seemed like supporting actors and their development was bland if not totally lifeless, and unmemorable.

Aaron Taylor Johnson really seemed out of place in a military uniform, except the fact that he buffed up for the role. Bryan Cranston was the best thing about this movie, but we strangely didn't get enough of him even though he is plastered on every trailer out there.

CGI:

Super carnage porn and awesome monster disaster footage is sprawled all over this film. It takes a while to get to the moment Godzilla submerges from the sea, but its well worth it. There is destruction in Japan, Las Vegas, Honolulu and San Francisco. Golden Gate Bridge? Yeah. What bridge? Monsters be breaking through like its chicken wire. The CGI is definitely great in this film. The only thing I would have to comment is the MUTO's feet. They were...weird at best. But Godzilla was pretty damn impressive with those phat dino hips!

This reminds me of a a turtle with mountains on its shell

Godzilla:

Freaken gnarly! Best design ever. He looks just like the original, but way better. And the best part is he had the most awesome Mortal Kombat finishing move. Shit fire in your opponents mouth and rip their head off as a trophy! The whole room clapped when he started using his infamous atomic flame attack.

I also love it that they got Ken Watanabe to star in this movie just to say "Godzilla" with a Japanese accent. He totally speaks perfect English until he accents the shit out of the name "Godzilla" or should I say Gojira? Love it. Nobody else dared use that name, but him. It was HIS word.

Noted Cool Shit: 

Did anyone noticed the word "Mothra" on the fish tank? Yeah that was pretty cool. Too bad that MUTO wasn't Mothra. Sad face.

One of the best shots in the film

Toho, the original production company who created the Godzilla films, had a hand in producing this movie. They even provided the sound clip of the original Godzilla roar which was improved on for the film.

For Godzilla's fighting style, the special effects department studied the fighting style of bears and komodo dragons.

Godzilla which derived from the pronunciation of "Gojira" or "Gozira" is actually a hybrid word that is in-between the Japanese words for gorilla and whale.


Deep Water Thoughts:

This is less a list of complaints, but more commentary as I thought the movie was great...but all movies have a few flaws....shall we count the ways?

They are looking in the one area that's Asian. Racists.

1. The Military Sure Knows How to Make Things Worse:

I love the compentency level of the military in these movies. It always seems to be around saving lives, but they always manage to make screw things up. Does anyone ever have an op plan for shit like this? I think the force uses any excuse to go nuclear whenever possible. When monsters strike the city, you can always count on the military to:


Option A. Shoot at it...even though it doesn't work, hasn't worked, and continues not to work.

Option B. Hit it with bombs even though its more like a bird taking a crap on your head. Its unpleasant and annoying, but doesn't effect things large enough to throw seismic temper tantrums.

Option C. Nuke that bitch and get it over with [even though radiation is their food source and that's like dumping ice cream into their lap].

Or Even better...the AF has a plan:

Air Force Reassures Public it can Defeat Godzilla

2. Heisenberg's Wife is like a Teleporter:

I distinctly remember his wife had only started walking down the tunnel when they started noticing something wrong. You would think the first sign of a major shake, everyone would be bolting back instead of waiting for shit to break. However when they discovered a leak and her group had to run, they ran for a good ten-fifteen minutes down that hall and still didn't make it. That's like an Air Force PT test right there. There is no way she could have gone in a mile and a half already in that short of a time. Also...what is the point of having suits if they aren't going to protect you from a major leakage? And dude...she died on your birthday? Man...God is a dick to Heisenberg.

Her entire purpose was to say happy birthday and die...

3. Reused Looping Footage:

Also....with the gas leak running scene, they totally reused that footage over and over and over again. I thought something was up when that same hallway like gas flurry looked oh so similar every time. And strangely as that smoke was chasing them, they were able to keep up even when they fell? Nope. That should have caught up with them as soon as they fell and tried to get off the ground.

4. Some Dude With Goggles Got In the Movie:

Yeah some guy with googles just took up the whole screen in the beginning. Who does he think he is? Famous? pfft.

5. Missing Scenes:

There were scenes in the trailer that were cut out of the movie. The part where Godzilla is roaring as the doors close [the doors do close on Godzilla, but he is fighting with his opponent] and the part where Lt Brody asks, "Can we kill it?"Also they clipped part of the speech Bryan Cranston did in the trailer too. They extracted a line out of it in the final cut. How did I even notice this? I've only seen the trailer like 15 times and each variation of Godzilla's trailers almost has the same scenes in it.

6. Gas Masks...Who Needs Them?:

I am amazed at how many people just pop off their gas masks in this movie like its no big deal. I mean you aren't wearing thick, scratchy, hot MOPP gear just for shits and giggles. You are wearing it because radiation poisoning is a bad mofo. This is the 3OO helmet situation all over again. I know we all want to see the actor's pretty faces, but geezus people, does anyone read the safety manual? Ever?

This love machine looks like Aliens had sex with Goro

7. Pokemon! Gotta catch Em All!:

I swear to God the MUTOs look like Pokemon. I was waiting for Ash Ketchum to pop up from
around the corner with Pikachu to do battle and try to capture those impressive creatures with a legendary super ball. Then after their victory, they will high five each other and Ash will be like "All right Pikachu! We did it!" and Pikachu will scream in excitement, "Pika pi!" and wait...I'm totally getting carried away with this comment point.

8. Broken Promises:

They never addressed the broken promise Lt Brody gave to his son that he would be there the next day. In fact...he broke a LOT of promises in this movie. I'm fairly sure his child is going to grow up to be a drug addict. Yup. Drug addict.

9. Instant Uniform:

So Lt Brody gets rifted with the Army and needs a uniform because...nobody will take him seriously without one? And what do you know, they have a spare for the Navy guy! WOWS. Thanks Army Dudes. We are like hundreds of miles from the closest base, but you are total bros. Also I expected the Army guys to call Lt Brody a seaman as much as possible. Damn...opportunity missed!

1O. NAAAAPPP TIME!

And after the King of Beasts had a thrilling romp through the city and bitch slapeth his winged, spider foes to the next stone age. Our King taketh a nap near the pier and a well deserved rest for saving half of the city so all the gays can rejoice and keep on rockin their Andrew Christian underwear. The End.

It is a miracle they had his size...

11. The Man that Wouldn't Die

So Lt Brody goes through some pretty screwed up events in the time line of the movie. He jumps from a very high set of train tracks into a river. He miraculously does not break his legs or back in the process. He got swept away with a entangled mess of steel and wood and was the lone survivor. And then he served up some scrambled MUTO eggs and got twerk blasted a good 1OO feet forward. And some how he still gets to keep everything. Damn dude. Bionic man, much?

12. Heisenberg is SO not in this movie!

The trailers REALLY focus on Bryan Cranston a lot like he is in this movie. The guy dies like 3O minutes into it and the rest of the story is carried on by his bore of a son. ZZZZzzzz Ford. Who names their kids after cars? pfft.

13. Where Did That Picture Come From?

When Lt Brody was onboard the aircraft before his jump he pulls out a picture of his wife and kid. First off...who keeps physical pictures anymore and how in the world did he manage to get it? And even if he had it the entire time..how did that photo survive after all the shit he went through?

14. Excuse me, Pardon me, Sorry! Coming through:

Damn military. Why the hell are you in Godzilla's way? He was trying to be polite and dive deeper to avoid capsizing your stupid ships, but all of your bo-ats were totally cock blocking him from passing. MOVE. Its your fault your ships flipped. You think your dumb ships are going to stop him from moving you out of the way like a toy in a child's bathtub? Also for a monster...he was very polite. After he finished his nap, he gently got up, walked back into the water and left. What a GGG, Godzilla was.

And the Best Christmas Lights of 2O14 go to...

15. MUTO Chandelier Eggs:

That was a pretty display MUTO female produced, but how could one make the missile look like that without sticking it up her hooha and shitting eggs on it? Also...we totally didn't get a chance to see prehistoric softcore monster porn with some love tracks from the master, Barry White. MISSED OPPORTUNITIES!

16. Finally! We Found the Sub!:

I'm so happy for them that they found that random Russian nuclear submarine, but seriously...how long has that shit been hanging there? Does nobody hike in Hawaii? And how did this sub get there again? Did MUTO do some spearfishing off the coast of the Kamchatka Peninsula and pick up a sub sandwich on his way into town?

17. Man's Best Friend's Contract Ends Today:

The dog that ran from the tidal wave, would have been gone FAR before the humans would have ever noticed something was up. Like I told my friend, if you see animals all running in ONE direction, FOLLOW THEM! Drop whatever donut you are eating and run you fools!

18. This Guy Can't Catch a Break:

Everywhere Lt Brody goes...those things follow him. Japan, Hawaii and then California? Shit dude. If I were Lt Brody I would quit my job and live as a hermit as far inland as I could get to keep away from those things.

19. I am Running On the Railroad, All the Live Long Day:

Just walking on those tracks with wide spacing was hard enough for the Army....then they had to run? Oh no. That isn't possible in a panic. I was expecting some one to fall through, but nope, MUTO-SAN ate them instead.

This disaster looks super familiar....

2O. And They Stopped Everyone on the Bridge...WHY?:

Everyone is trying to escape from the city with busloads of people and the police are blocking the bridge. WTF San Francisco Police. This is not a time to be cordoning shit off, assholes. In a few seconds there isn't going to BE a Golden Gate Bridge!

21. Everyone in This Movie is Deaf:

There were multiple times character's in this film were surprised to see something behind him. Such as the Japanese Police at the old Brody home..and the monsters SNEAKING up on them. I mean...these things just breath and shit explodes. How can they not hear or feel these things walking around?

Oh yeah..Godzilla's Kaiju bros broke this shit a year ago

22. Goth Asian:

HA. Goth Asian. Sorry. I had to add that one.

23. Annnnnnddd...we lost him:

The Navy had to have known Godzilla was just messing with them and letting them escort him around for fun before he took off.

Godzilla: Oh hey fellas. Nice Bo-ats you got there. OH. Sorry. Spotted my prey. TTYL BYES!

Deep submerge...TAKES OFF LIKE A SHARK.

Yeah Navy...you funny.

The markings are to assure you don't confuse it with RAID

25. I Quit:

Once you start seeing F-35s and F-15s fall out of the sky...that's when you start considering putting in your separation paperwork. Yeah...screw that. When they said, "All threats, foreign and domestic," I didn't think they meant katamari sized monsters shitting on the city. That looks like a big cup of NOPE to me.


So overall, I give this movie a big double thumbs up. It was everything I would expect out of a monster movie and they didn't skimp on the destructive force of the battle scenes. Which is what we all came to see, isn't it? Godzilla 2O14 had a strong Pacific Rim/Jurassic Park feel at times, but still kept to its own design. Going back to the heart of what made Godzilla defining and memorable. He wasn't just another stupid monster, he was a monster that people could empathize with. So if you want to have a rampaging good time, I highly recommend Godzilla!


What did you think of the new Godzilla movie?

If you enjoy my blog; subscribe, share, dance naked in the sun! Or comment below!

DnD Rating: OH NO, 9/1O MEANS YOU GOT TO GO GO SEE GODZILLA!

After Credits?: Nope. Don't bother waiting.

Quick Thoughts: Frozen - We Don't Need No Man!

I never imagined Disney would detour from the usual "Prince saving the Damsel in Distress" formula, but its finally come to pass with Frozen. This is a movie that focused less on the guys and more on the girls, two sisters to be exact. Elsa and Anna, one sister who has snow magic and the other who is...pretty normal as far as young girls go. You know...girly, desperate, falls in love with the first man who gives her attention. Thank God that dissipated pretty quick.

Elsa seems like the responsible, sensible, worrisome type, while Anna is more carefree, irrational and fearless. There is also a host of extra characters such as Sven the Reindeer, Olaf the snowman, and Kristoff [the main good guy]. The rest of the people are not terribly important to the story in general. They are mainly antagonizers more than villains.

The story moves incredibly fast, going from little kids to dead parents, to run away Queen, etc etc. In fact, it really didn't have much of a story in general that went too deep. Which I think for a kids movie is appropriate considering the attention spans of the audience. Its cute to say the least and teaches a pretty decent lesson, you really don't need a guy to save you nor be happy, but its nice when the right one is there. So I give a thumbs up to Disney for that.

There were a few things I was really curious about though. How did Elsa get her powers? There was no one else like her and her parents obviously didn't share the same traits, so how did she get them? What in the world created those rock people? And how did Kristoff and Sven survive so long with them? Why were they with the ice cutters in the first place? And if they belonged to none of those guys, how did they survive in the ice cutting business?

Also...I was confused at how everyone was totally surprised with Elsa's gifts considering the staff that got cut had to have talked about it at some point. But I guess these aren't really concerns in a kids movie. The last is Elsa's powers. She mainly creates ice and snow, but apparently she can also create clothes, create life and build things? That was different, but OK. Also she seemed SUPER surprised at Olaf considering Olaf couldn't possibly have existed without her. So did she create Olaf when they were children and he ran away when they rushed out to save Anna? Or did she make a snowman in memory of her sister, walked away, and it came to life?

I think the worst of this was all the singing. I forgot Disney movies were about the soundtrack. Ive been spoiled by Pixar and Dreamworks for way too long. Every time they sang I couldn't help, but to think of this honest trailer:

 

Have you seen the hit movie, Frozen? What did you think of it?

Am I your go to spot for all movie reviews? Support the cause and subscribe now!

DnD Quick Thoughts Rating: 7/1O [because of the singing]

Netflix Streamable? Nope. Too popular.

The Amazing Spider Man 2: Roll Credits! Oh wait...you are not done yet?

Spider-man, Spider-man, does whatever a spider can. Spins a web, any size. Catches thieves- just like flies. Look out! Here comes the Spider-man. And came he did, with a long running time of 2 hours and 22 minutes, this film is so bloated with fluff and poorly used story mechanisms, even the author of Fifty Shades of Grey would not approve. I can only conclude it was minced to death by Sony execs to the point that it barely represented the story it was and hobbled into theaters as the story it is.

Down and Dirty [Just how you like it]:

*Sigh* What a buzz kill this movie was. All of the best moments were literally in the trailer, so if all of you want to know the essence of the movie, just watch the trailer and you will be good to go. The rest was not that important in the grand scheme of things. This had the most unnecessary convoluted plot possible with not one, not two, but three bad guys that appeared, but two out of the three barely got any running time. We don't even get a team up of bad guys, they choose to separate their battles for no reason at all. Sony just doesn't know how to make a Spider-man movie and could really take a lesson or two from Disney who seem to get better and better with the Marvel films they put out. To wrap this up, I would say it was only an "OK" movie and not something I would not be jumping out of my chair to recommend people to go see. If it was 4O minutes shorter, it would have been a decent film. Not a great film, but a decent one. And Sony really needs to stop stuffing bad guys into these films like a fat kid stuffing cake in his mouth.

Humor:

Spidey hitches a ride with front row seats

I would like to start off the review on a some what positive note. The humor in this film was great and I really enjoyed the cheekiness of the new Spider-man. He's fun to watch. Andrew Garfield does an amazing job as Peter Parker and even though I was surprised at his pick, I have to agree that he is a much better Spider-man than Tobey Maguire. The humor was probably the best thing in this film. Especially the moments where you hear the spider-man theme ring tones. Unfortunately that is where the film stops in light of the fun.

Story:

The story was so convoluted, I wondered how the post-production team didn't pull all of their hair out before the film was completed. You had a back and forth love drama going, Peter's problem with Harry dieing, Electro's messy nonsense, dealing with Aunt May's problems, and then the whole issue with wanting to know the truth about his father. It was just too many things to follow and the order that we followed it in didn't build an arc, but more of a small town roller coaster that gave you the biggest thrill right in the middle and then lots of little lumpy thrills at the end.

The whole film was clearly 4O minutes too long. The longest wrap up in history. Trust me...I looked at my phone around the time I thought the film should have ended and we still were barely at two hours. I don't mind long films, but there was a lot of post battle shit that went on and on and on. The summary of the story was Peter gives up on life for a good year [it was 5 months but the went through all four seasons...so I thought it was a year] after Gwen's death and then eventually returns to defeat Rhino...which only had a good ten minutes of film time. I wish they kept this film light and lean. The fact that they made it dramatically dark after she dies might have been a bit too much, but considering she was running away to England, I guess she had to be killed, right? Spider-man can't leave New York. That's where all the monsters and baddies converge to destroy shit.

Music:

This is one of the few times I will have to say the music was...weird. They tried to make the battle at the power station mix with the music and all it did was create confusion. I was getting confused if Electro was actually saying the words or that was the singer singing the lyrics in the background music. Don't do that shit, Sony! Also...I felt the music where Peter and Gwen met up was very "take my breath away" cheesy like.

One of the coolest slo-mo shots in the movie

Graphics:

Nobody steals Slo-mo from 3OO. NOBODY! They slo-moed the shit out of every battle in that movie to the point that I was like "here we go again" [cue eye roll]. Despite this, the electricity shots are pretty awesome and fun to watch. I really liked the color blends they chose and the way they reconstructed Electro each time he had to reform. The graphics were decent in the film, but the aftermath of said graphics sometimes didn't match up. Such as the whole battle sequence between Spider-man and Electro at the power station. They must have knocked out like fifteen towers and for some reason all of them were still up with minimal damage when they finished.


My Spidey Senses Has Counted the Sins!:

1. NYPD's 15 Vehicle Car Chase:

I guess it was a slow day for the NYPD. No need to chase gang bangers or deal with giving out traffic tickets for threatening violent sodomy on the guy who cut you off. Nope, they had all the time in the world to chase a guy who stole a truck. Instead of splitting up and cutting this crazy Russian carjacker off at the intersections, they all proceeded to chase him from behind like this is drag racing or Boston marathoning.  This is a great way to reaffirm to our youth that the police are incompetent and never trust them to ever get your car back. Just wait for your favorite super hero to come save you instead.

2. The Viles that Nobody Cared About:

So what were the viles for in the beginning chase scene? Plutonium? Also if the viles were that important, why did crazy guy not care if they were bouncing around while he drove around the city? Also...who the hell puts plutonium in small, possibly breakable viles? Shouldn't this truck be fully loaded with dudes with weapons if it was that important? Whoever was Chief of Security of Trucks should be fired. They should hire Happy in their place. Happy is a person who gets things done. Just like Joe Pesci.

Thats definitely a jheri curl fighting with a spider on his head

3. Pocket Protector Pens are Pocket Protected:

Nothing says nerd like a few pens in a shirt pocket right? Well how about 7 pens stuffed in a shirt pocket? This dude had pens stuffed in there like he was stealing them in bulk from Office Max. There was absolutely no reason he needed his entire pen portfolio hanging off his chest.

4. Nerd Alert:

I really dislike the nerd look people portray so much. Thick rimmed glasses, buck teeth, pens in the pocket, and whats up with that rad comb over? Do black men even do that in their old age? I thought that was exclusively a white man's crippling desire to keep the last strands of youth on top of their head.
 
5. Ill Walk Myself Out:

FAIL. This is bad guy 1O1 man. You never let your enemy go like that! Harry should have been escorted all the way down the stairs and into a cop car. That is the only way you win, evil board of directors dude. You win by making sure that little shit punk doesn't wander around his own building free after he supposedly betrayed the organization. Isn't there a handbook for this shit? Why is evil so dumb?

Let there be LIGHT! And Bad Assery.

6. Electrocuted on Electric Avenue:

How is Peter's organs not fried with a side of apple butter from getting electrocuted so much? He got his face electrocuted and his body electrocuted and his hands electrocuted. They make it look like he just got some mad static shock, because he recovered way too quick for his own good.

Come on Sony...he should have been constantly in pain. Getting electrocuted hurts like hell. Also he should have NEVER been able to escape Electro's attacks. Electricity runs extremely fast. The only person who should have been able to compete with Electro in speed is Quicksilver.

7. Harry is Scary:

Could we not have an uglier looking villain? They really over played the goblin look on Harry to the point that he was outrageously hideous and cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. He even snatched Dorothy...I mean Gwen up for kicks. I didn't really imagine the effects of the venom would have been that dramatic that they changed his facial expression and his douchey hipster haircut for a punky/aphex twin's "come to daddy" look.

8. His Past:

So Peter gets dumped and he becomes all emo and sulky. Finally he gets the idea to start going through his father's stuff, because hey we have something to relate to now, right? Also why are there 35 pictures of Gwen on his wall? Is this guy really that obsessed with her? Damn. A bit stalkerish this one is.

Who the hell is this guy?

9. Goblin Suit:

So Harry gets down to the super secret place and gets injected with the super spider venom. After his victorious grin emerges, Harry realizes he made a mistake and falls from the painful venom while the evil director schmuck that unwillingly helped him bails, hits the emergency button and leaves him there to die. You would figure everything would seal off but instead the doors open to the magical goblin suit with open arms. And some how in the midst of all the madness and struggle crawling, Harry is now magically standing in the suit in the next shot when he clearly was barely able to get off the ground. Can we say, fire the video editor? Also, how did he know the suit would help him from dying?

1O. 5 second Goblin Chase:

We barely got much of the Green Goblin and only after Electro died off. Why put the big battle before the smaller one? Why sony? why? They needed to team up!

11. Apparently Harry has Spidey Senses too:

How did Harry figure out Gwen was Peter's ex-girlfriend? Peter never mentions her name, hes never seen her before, and he never saw her talking with him before she ran into him in the elevator. How does he know this is the one out of hundreds of employees that roam the building?

I just noticed they digitally removed the bulge from his suit

12. Peters Voice:

This really kills me. How does Harry not possibly know Spider-man is Peter Parker? The voice gives it away. I can't imagine Harry would think Spider-man would be any other person since Peter some how made their meeting happen. I know Peter seems weak and unsuspecting, but I am sure the thought had to have popped into his head at some point.



13. Electric Eels Plus High Voltage = Electro?:

PLEASE tell me how this is possible. Those eels were eating him alive in that tank. So you are telling me the shock of the electricity in the water plus modified super eels just makes him an electrical entity with pants? I'm the Queen of Believing in pseudo-science, but this is just considerably far fetched from other transformations. He is the equivalent of if you peeled back the skin off of a smurf with super powers.

Also how did 9 people not notice Electro pulling off the grate right in front of them and grabbing the electrical wires underneath? I mean he's a black dude [well more blue...but you get what I mean]. White pedestrians should automatically assume because he is wearing a hoodie he is out to take their babies and steal their investment portfolios. Also cops smell a black dude doing wrong from hundreds of miles away. They are like flies on shit. Even when the black dude is just THINKING of doing something wrong a cop car rolls up. Are you saying racism doesn't exist in the Spider-man universe? ESPECIALLY in a place like New York?

I wonder if you plug him in if his head lights up...

14. Apparently the Suit and Spanx Come with the Electricity:

I know Sony is trying not to be crass, but HAHA he's got nut huggers! The dude should be flat out naked every time he zips through a wall socket. However he some how comes with his own set of clothes. That's as incredible as the Hulk's pants surviving every time he transforms into the green fists of rage. Or Captain America's pants being the perfect length after growing a foot and gained steroid size muscles.

15. Super Secret Train Lab?:

The video clearly was filmed from his home, but some how it was on his computer at the lab. Why? We've seen him make the confession, but how did he find time to pass it to the computer before he got on the plane and died? This was in an isolated train station after all. And if Peter never broke the calculator, he would have never known the truth. How would Richard Parker know Peter would figure out where the train was? Wasn't this a risky scheme to begin with? In a normal universe Peter would have trashed Dad's old stuff and never figured out what happened. This is poor planning on his father's part.

After a date on the bridge, Peter takes her to the SAW party

16. The Most Unromantic Spot Ever:

Does Peter ever think for a second that Gwen may not want to be a place where she might be thinking of dying? Like the very top of a bridge that I am sure moves a bit from the wind, the earth's rotation, maybe the sand shifting or birds shitting? I know this was supposed to be a masterful scene of love finally coming together so you can all crush us later, but I don't think many women would love to be placed in a position where if the wind farts we can fall to our doom. A park would have done just fine.

17. Stolen Police Car:

So Gwen steals a police car....why is half of NYPD not chasing her for this?! Oh you chase a criminal for plutonium vials, but one police car gets stolen like GTA and nobody cares suddenly? Christ.

18. Im late, but they loved me!: 

Gwen is the only person in the universe that was late for an interview and still got the position. What kind of people just let some one be late for a interview, have a whole conversation in the hallway and still give them the opportunity? More hungrier, on time people want this more, Gwen. I think you lied so Peter can want you back! If this was Glenn Gary Glenn Ross this would have never gone down like that. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about...BEHOLD..one of the best speeches in movie history to kick you out of loserville: [fast forward to 1 min in]

19. Power Station Recovery:

So how did the entire city get all of its electricity back again? You can't tell me Spider-man packaged everything in a nice neat bow and saved the day. I call shenanigans on that one. There were like 15 electrical transformers that got knocked out during their battle. I say that place should have been holy shit destroyed. Also why was the power button under a padlock and the dead guy had the key in his hand? What was he planning to do before his death? He would have never known Electro was coming even if he could turn it off. Also why is the fate of the entire city's electricity dependent on one dude with a padlock key? Doesn't that seem extremely irresponsible of Oscorp?

2O. Why is New York Dependent on One Power Station?:

I know they briefly mentioned that Oscorp was the soul supplier of the city's electricity, but who the hell would put the city's entire electrical grid in one place? Why was there not several stations that existed and backup points for emergency services? Am I the only one who thinks about this stuff? Also its New York...you would figure they would be prepared for any kind of terrorism. You know?

21. Gwen's Death:

I was going to be so pissed if she was still alive after seeing her crack her head hard on the concrete. I'm glad she died. Not because I'm glad she died, but I'm glad they didn't pull a fast one on us and made her alive some how. Also...Gwen is a stupid cow. Peter told her this shit was dangerous...and she didn't care because she's being a stubborn girlfriend. Oh Gwen. Now you done it. Left the series open for another Mary Jane to swoop in and coddle the heart of our hero....and get in all sorts of trouble. I guess Emma Stone wanted out of her contract? I would too if I made this movie.

Thanks to modern CGI, he looks nothing like this

22. Rhino...is Not Really in the Movie:

The last five seconds we finally get to see Rhino and the movie ends. Rhino was never meant to have a mechanical suit from I understand, so it was very awkward to see him in one.

Also, why would OSCORP spring him out to wreck the city? Are they trying to find the whereabouts of Peter Parker or draw him out? I mean, there is a thing called the internet. Peter couldn't be hiding in that many places, right? Now that he knows who Spider-man really is, Peter should be easy to find.




So overall I have to say that this movie just didn't impress me. I'll admit, I've never been a huge Spider-man fan, but that doesn't stop me from liking a movie. So I say Sony is never going to get this right if they haven't gotten it right by now. They keep making the same mistakes, forcing too many emotions in a film that had no idea what to feel in the first place. Too little character development and too quick of a ramp up caused the story to feel unevenly paced and chaotic. If they had not tried to stuff three villains in the same movie and thrown in too many plot conveniences [which I feel is a sign of story teller weakness], the story might have been good with just Electro alone. The Goblin is overplayed and apparently never played right. Let it die, Sony.

What did you think of the Amazing Spider-man 2? Did you think it was better than the first?

Want MOAR of my awesome reviews? Become a Down and Dirty Follower and subscribe today!

DnD Rating: 5/1O

After Credits: Yes, there is one special clip a little after the credits start. Oddly enough, it has NOTHING to do with Spider-man. I still don't get it.

Captain America 2: HAIL HYDRA!

 
Captain America graces the screen once again in a new adventure with Black Widow and Nick Fury, continuing the Marvel Saga in the ever complicated Avengers 2 setup. Time has passed in the Marvel cineverse. Steve Rogers is now working for SHIELD and finding purpose in his new role as team leader. He is catching up with the times and making peace with himself for everything he has missed the past several decades. However his past never seems to leave him, does it?

Down and Dirty: [Just how you like it]

This fight would have been better with Magneto in the picture

The first impression is that this movie is better than the first. I always felt Disney had a knack of getting the right people on board for their work, but this has to be the best Marvel movie of the season. Thor 2 was kind of better than the first, but Captain America 2 was leagues better than its predecessor. The story was well paced, there was plenty of action and it was a good lead into an exciting Avengers movie coming out next year.

Especially with the biggest shock of the comic season, the destruction of SHIELD.  It will be interesting to see how Nick Fury will continue on now that all of his agents went their separate ways and he will no longer get funding considering it was all HYDRA supported any way.

Story: 

Like I stated before, the story was well paced and for the most part pretty good. Steve was always like Superman to me. One of those shining penny "do-gooders" that can't help, but to do good things. I really hate shining pennies because they are too righteous for my taste. It was good to see Steve becoming a fugitive and having to do things he wouldn't normally do while still being Steve. Black Widow, however, is much more comfortable with doing whatever is necessary to keep everyone alive and has little remorse in doing it as well. I thought their pairing added a good flair to the story. Both of them helped each other out in areas where the other was deficient in.

Although the one thing that did bother me was the title "Winter Soldier" which we thought would be focused on Bucky's character, but I was disappointed to find out it didn't. In fact, if you removed Bucky entirely from the film, it would have made no difference at all. It was a strangely remote side plot that had such little effect overall that you could have replaced Bucky and the movie would have still been good. The only thing Bucky really affected was Steve's emotional connection to his past. Something Steve misses considering he is a fish out of water literally everywhere he goes.

Action:

For you action buffs out there, there was plenty of explosions, carnage porn, gun fights, and trash talking in this film. The best parts are really the fights between Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Although there were a couple fights I found to be flat out hilarious. This includes Captain America against what looks like a Russian commando that has a flair for back flips. It took me back to the old days of the age of martial arts movies where the bad guy has to sell his abilities by doing all these crazy kicks before they even start fighting. He kind of looked like a blocky headed Jean Claude Van Damme to me.

He's like a Bond Villain, but more Koch Brothery...

Robert Redford:

This was a total surprise to me. I really haven't seen Robert Redford in any movie in a while. Or maybe I just don't watch Robert Redford movies period. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised to see Robert in the film as the villain. He performed beautifully, straddling both sides of the equation of good and evil, while still being on the side of evil. His arguments were eloquent and convincing.

YOU CAN'T KILL THE FURY!:

This is just a normal day for a brother with money

They tried to kill the fury, they failed. YOU CAN'T KILL SAMUEL L JACKSON! He's going to pop a cap in your ass or sick the Hulk on you. I knew he wasn't dead. I know black people seem to drop like flies in movies, but this is Samuel L Jackson. Nobody kills Samuel L Jackson without Samuel L Jackson's permission. Plus I love Samuel L Jackson...he makes every movie 1OOO% percent better. YES. You can't kill the fury!!


Captain's Log - The Gripes:

1. Hail Hydra:

Why does anyone bother saying this anymore? Doesn't everyone know who is in the Hydra Conspiracy by now? I never liked Senator Stern any way, but did we need to know he was in on the conspiracy? That sounds like a normal day in the life of DC's most wanted. Its just an emphasis on the already existing sentiment that DC is corrupt.

2. For an Assassin His Aim was Shitty:

What kind of assassin carries a dagger on their back?

First off, a traditional assassin never goes out in the open to reveal himself. He is supposed to be a ghost. One minute you hear something, the next you are dead. They were not designed for long term hand to hand combat, unless absolutely necessary.

The main focus is always to fight, then escape so they can set up for the kill again. Second...you are telling me this Assassin can't hit two targets? He has the better aim out of all the goombas that HYDRA hired and he can't knock some one out from several yards away? Maybe the Buckster just needs another round of CBT assassin training and he should be good to go on his requirements.


3. DC Traffic:

Nope, I call bullshit. It is impossible to flow through traffic that easily in DC, even on the sidewalk. I always find movies that are done in major cities like New York and LA hilarious when they attempt a car chase. Also what bugs me is the scene where the Winter Soldier is in the middle of the freeway with a rocket launcher and nobody notices this. Then there is a huge fire-breathing, vehicle-flipping explosion and these cars are passing this shit by like its a minor demonstration for Free the Pandas. You would think they would swerve a bit at least out of courtesy.

4. You Use to be Hot:

This had to have been his face when he first saw her again

Yeah that girl he wanted to go on a date with? Totally decided to friend zone her. What a douche.

I can imagine the conversation now:

Steve: Thanks, but you are wrinkly, old, and apparently not a virgin now. I think its time for me to move onto girls my own age.

Peggy: Steve...you are 95.

Steve: I'm like whiskey, baby...I get better with age! I'm sure the girls will understand.

Peggy: Steve..you are a weapon of SHIELD, you can recall the good ol days when the Nazis took over and you could smoke on the job, you are a magnet for death and destruction and you are married to your work. Nobody is going to want you.

Steve: SHUT UP PEG.

5. The Starks Send Their Regards:

Anyone noticed that the Hydra scientist stated "accidents happen." This is a great lead into Tony's history without ever addressing him in the movie. Is this going to get discussed in the Avengers? I freaken hope so. I want to see Tony beat HYDRA's ass for his father's sake.

He needed a jumping start to throw the shield properly

6. That Shield:

That shield...drives me insane. Not once does it bounce off into a ditch, the ocean, off the freeway or any other random place. It either sticks, boomerangs back or conveniently falls into/on a vehicle for easy retrieval. For once I would like to see him lose that shit for a while because he just irresponsibly tosses it around like its Ultimate Frisbee.

7. Pretty Boy Face without a Scratch:

Until the last 3O minutes of the film, Captain America didn't receive a scratch for almost the entire movie. Including a scene where a missile destroys the entire building that he was in and another where he was running through a bus full of flying glass, scrap metal and bullets. I know we are trying to keep the main character pretty for most of the movie...but seriously? Steve was armorless the majority of the movie. He should be beaten up pretty good even before he Bucky gets to him.

8. BababaBombbombbombbomb:

Which brings me to my next point...a huge missile strikes the facility destroying every bit of concrete, metal and infrastructure support that exists and black widow and the Captain survives because they jumped into a ditch last minute. PLEASE. Nobody can survive that even with his dumpy shield. The shock of the blast could have easily made their insides explode.

9. Hes not the Juggernaut/Wolverine/Thor, people:

Marvel is beginning to confuse Captain America's abilities. I thought he was a super human with super strength, speed and agility. That doesn't mean he can dodge bullets, or fall fifty stories, or crash through concrete walls or survive an airship crash. He even gets shot 4 times and survives easily with all the internal injuries. Not only did he get shot, he finished the mission and pulled Sir Bucky out of the wreckage as the ship came tumbling slowly down like a pretty pink cloud [because apparently the rapid loss of velocity combined with the rumbling chaos from crashing into a building had no effect on the Captain's ability to stroll around the wreckage]. And he DOESNT DIE. DUDE. Hes a genetically modified super human...not wolverine. All of that would have killed him. In fact, this whole movie should have murdered him.

1O. Falcon does not Equal New War Machine:

Its a bird, its a plane...nope its just a black guy with a jet pack

They really tried to make the Falcon like War Machine and it didn't work for me. You are telling me he can avoid 12 heat seeking missiles? I call Shenanigans. Even Tony Stark had to drop flares and ditch. I feel like Falcon is not on the same level as Captain America and felt more like a side-kick than an equal like Tony and Rhodey. They also chose not to emphasize Falcon's special abilities and made him just a dude with a jet pack rather than having that special connection with birds.


11. Apparently Agent Strovenoff Von Nice Rack is Julian Assange:

So I am assuming they are making this the LAST Marvel movie leading up to the Avengers next summer. And SURPRISE...SHIELD is gone! All of their agents went their seperate ways. Including the Captain, that is now off chasing Bucky while Black Widow is trying to find a new Identity [and a new movie...hint]. And I hope that show Agents of SHIELD dies along with it.

Sorry Hawk Eye, I'm ditching you for a bigger man.

12. Is it Hot in Here?:

Black Widow was so macking on Steve....but he was such a bitch! Whenever its "Steve" at the helm of his sex life...its like City of Virgins down there.

He's so doey-eyed innocent. I think he might have been disgusted he wasted his first kiss alive on a hot agent trying to keep them from dying. I think that's the perfect reason to kiss some one. Death imminent...KISS ME YOU FOOL!


Black Widow: I want to hop on your pogo stick.

Steve:  Ah shucks, gee willikers, ma'am. I don't have a pogo stick, but I can sure buy one for you if you need it for a mission.

Black Widow: *SIGH*

Come on Steve, its the 21st century, THIS WOMAN DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO FIND BUCKY'S FILE SO YOU CAN BE SWELL PALS. And I assume you still haven't discovered the wonderful world of free internet porn yet because if you did, you would never leave your room again.

SHIELD Agent: Captain! Captain! Thanos is invading!

Captain America: Don't care, there is a midget with two dolphins and this guy is watching it.

Nick Fury: Captain, Ultron is destroying the unive...oh my lord, what the hell happened to this room? Also what is that nasty stench? Is that shit in a bucket?

Captain America: Hold on damn it, this woman is just about to have sex on a unicycle suspended on a tight rope with three dogs on her shoulders.

Nick Fury: *SIGH*

13. Random Super Agent SHIT:

Twice in this movie agents just randomly pop out of no where. I know agents of SHIELD are supposed to be the best at what they do, but what the hell people! You want me to believe Agent Von Nice Rack smuggled out the old lady hostage from a room that clearly had NO way to sneak out, took her clothes [or shes in the bathroom dead and naked...who knows], and then planted herself in the room? Thats not only crap, thats super crap. And why didn't every other agent do that in the movie? This would have been handled a long time ago if they pulled these stunts. WHERE ARE YOU...AGENTS OF SHIELD? Too busy to defend the nation? Assholes.

14. Falcon's Gas Tank:

John Woo must have directed this scene...

NEVER RUNS OUT. That thing looks crude as crap...you are telling me that he has that much gas to fly that thing for that long? Nope. Not buying it. Also I am confused on its origins. Was it Air Force technology or Army technology? Because if it was Air Force technology, why was it stored on an Army installation?

15. So We Meet Again...on a Slim Walkway Suspended in the Air:

Every time Ive seen movies where there is a final battle between good and evil...its always in the most inconvenient places ever. Like a narrow walkway where anyone can fall off and die. But they never do because that wouldn't be fun. Actually...I think this happened in Captain 1 as well. Didn't Red Blow Pop Face also fight Steve in a similar setting? Or at least burn down the walkway? I can't remember anymore.

16. You'll die!:

Colbie Smulders...you took a good 8 miliseconds of mortal guilt before you hit that button when Steve insisted. You are a bad friend.

17. Black Widow is the Only Reason Rogers is Still Alive:

BCGs, the super hero's tool for becoming anonymous

As Rogers became a fugitive on the run, there were countless close calls that were thwarted by Agent Von Nice Rack's clever thinking. Yes, he is big and buff and can beat ass, but he can't do it forever and he sucks at laying low.

At some point these bad guys are going to get the bright idea of attacking him all at once and then he's definitely doomed. I really wonder what would happen to Rogers if Von Nice Rack would have been his enemy? He would have been Robert's bitch for the rest of the movie.

18. The Easy Way Out:

OK, so Nick Fury uses this acid shit to eat away at the car and run away from the popo [not possible in an upside down car without being noticed, but sure...lets go with that]. Well, Steve, Colbie and the gang do the same trick in a MOVING VAN and managed to hijack another van to go to SHIELD's alternative location. How did this happen again?

How is it possible to dump through the bottom in the middle of traffic without being noticed? Lets say they stopped at a traffic light along the way [it is DC after all and traffic only seems convenient when the plot says so]....they would only have a few minutes for all four of them to drop through the bottom. Now they only have two choices, either roll off to the side [which they could inevitably be spotted in the rear view mirror] or they could low crawl toward the back of the vehicle. This would take way too much time for four people to accomplish at one traffic light. So let me ask again, how could this have happened?

19. Wow You Killed Everyone in the Room Now You Can't....Wait, Never Mind:

Brock realized pokemon were stupid and became a Nazi instead

So there is a scene where pretty much everyone in the control room is murdered by the bad guys after a stand off between HYDRA and SHIELD agents. You would figure nobody could possibly launch the floating fortresses of doom now, but you're wrong.

Hydra goon, Brock, still manages to launch them because well, screw it, we need a final battle scene and lots of shit to destroy for your movie watching pleasure. This also happens quite a few times with Black Widow as well. Nobody knows how to operate...wait Black Widow just happens to know how to break in. All of these agents are not just assassins, they are also apparently brilliant hackers. Who would have thunk it?

2O. VA Dude Tags Along:

Hey dude I just met while running and works at the VA, you can totally come along on my adventures. Don't worry, we will steal your wings for you, so you can fly around to create more plot conveniences for us. Seriously, Marvel, who just blabs away all of SHIELD's highly classified problems? Steve Rogers does.

21. You, Hydra Guy, on the Roof. NOW.:

So Steve, Black Widow and VA Dude kidnap a Hydra member to threaten him into telling them their evil plans. Wouldn't somebody have noticed this flunky was gone? Also the Senator just walked away only a minute ago. Couldn't he run to him for safety? Also how come nobody noticed VA dude flying around after saving evil flunky from dying? In the Marvel universe, nobody ever seems to notice out of the ordinary things at all. I guess people are just like, "Nope, none of my business. I'm just going to get a donut and never mention this to anyone."

Carnage Porn. You're welcome.

22. Eliminating Terrorists Everywhere:

So SHIELD aka Hydra's plan was using flying gunships to take out terrorists before they even plot to hurt anyone. How is this shit not illegal? Where is the due process? You are telling me you are just going to go out and murder a shit ton of people and go "You're Welcome, America." Who is funding this? Enron?

23. Why do They Keep Making These Things?:

Didn't SHIELD have a flying fortress in the Avengers? Why the hell do they keep making these things? They can't be that cheap and besides that...they are easy to find and destroy. We discovered that flaw in the Avengers movie. Shouldn't SHIELD be a bit more subtle than that? This can't possibly be good for the environment.


So overall, there were quite a few holes that could have been fleshed out better, but irregardless I still stick to my original thoughts. This was much better than the first and I think Captain America alone is a considerably boring character archetype. However with Black Widow and Nick Fury in the mix, he seems to do pretty well as an interesting person considering the circumstances they put him in. I really can't wait for him to catch up to Bucky and team up together in the Avengers! A girl can only wish.

What did you think of the new Captain America movie? Comment Below!

Do you enjoy reading my blog? Subscribe, share and shamelessly pimp me out to your friends!

DnD Rating: 8/1O

Extra Goodies in the Bag? Oh yes. Marvel gives us its traditional two scene twist affair. One teaser a little after the credits start and another teaser AFTER the credits finish. The better one of the two is the first...the other one is just an unclosed thread.

 The Big OMG moment: In case you are wondering who those two people were in the after credits scene. That's Quicksilver [Aaron Taylor-Johnson] and Scarlet Witch [Elizabeth Olsen]. Yes....Magneto's kids. FIGURE OUT THAT DISNEY/FOX CROSS OVER. However they are not mutants...so the fun begins on how Disney will explain the origins of the twins. HAIL HYDRA!

Summer Krush: The Official DnD Summer Block Buster Victim List

Summer is around the corner and I can't wait to sink my mind into some awesome movies coming out to the theaters. For your reading pleasure, I made a list of all the movies that have potential to be reviewed. So pull out your knives, guns, and bazookas...LETS BUST OUT THE VICTIM LIST!


The Amazing Spiderman 2
Drop Date: May 2, 2O14

The second Spiderman movie in line...now with Jamie Foxx! Hells yeah. Sony finally did a good job of rebooting the series and made it punchier than ever. This installation should be more interesting as the trailer indicates. Its already starting out with an 86% fresh early, but who knows where that percentage will land in the end. Whenever you got more than one person tacked on writing a single script, that shit makes me nervous. I can't wait to see what happens!

Current Judgment: This looks pretty exciting, so I expect there to be a lot of web spinning in the air, flipping in the air, almost dieing in the air, getting shot in the air and being blown out of the air. We got a big fight coming up with both Electro and the Green Goblin. Bring it!




Neighbors
Drop Date: May 9, 2O14

This movie stars Seth Rogan as his usual dumpy, furry self and pretty boy, Zac Efron as a frat douche bag [which is kind of how I always imagined him in real life] that go to war with each other. Except Seth has a baby and hes living next to Delta Lama Beer Drunks who do douchy things like party and be assholes. Seth breaks the sacred trust of the party freaks and then all hell breaks loose. Yup its one of those get even kind of movies where you hope the dumpy guy wins.

Current Judgment: This surprisingly has a really high rating way too early in the game. I'm wondering if they are pumping the numbers or this is actually that good. I vote that its going to be full on raunch, stupidity and revenge that has some shock value.

Godzilla
Drop Date: May 16 2O14

OK, before you start...I know the last one was horrible. Lets not go there. Lets reset, forgive, and move forward. I am really excited about this one and I think it might actually redeem the horror that was that other movie we shall not speak of. First off...Godzilla actually looks like Godzilla, but way freaken cooler and more realistic. Which is a huge plus! The graphics are rockin from what I have seen so far. Second, Bryan Cranston is in this and nobody does it better than him. I imagine that if he is in this film, its pretty decent. And third...its Godzilla!!!

Current Judgment: You already know...I vote this one is going to be pretty awesome.

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Drop Date: May 23, 2O14

We all have been burned by X-Men 3 and the Wolverine movies....and how they ruined Dead Pool [still butt hurt about that one], but I think this one might be seriously good. It looks like a wonderful mix of new and old cast coming together to make a really interesting time traveling movie, X-Men style. This story is all about the X-men going into the past to save their future from extinction and Peter Dinklage...[I'm not kidding...he's in this one. STORM THE LITTLE PEOPLE BEFORE THEY BUILD ROBOTS!]

Current Judgment: THE CAST IS BACK Y'ALL! HELLS YEAH!

Maleficent
Drop Date: May 3O, 2O14

This is the flip side of the story about the great Maleficent, the sultry villain of the tale, Sleeping Beauty. Angelina Jolie stars in this movie as the magnificent sorceress herself and how she became so darn wicked. I feel like the writers gave this story a Lucifer like vein with the stolen wings concept, which would be really cool if they did. It has this great dark feel and an air of wonder that Disney is so famous for. I'm really looking forward to this.

Current Judgment: A story about evil? What's not to like?

A Million Ways to Die in the West
Drop Date: May 3O, 2O14

A surprising entry that I had no idea existed until I saw the trailer last month. Seth Macfarlane and Charlize Theron star in this comedy about the wild west and how anyone or anything can kill you at any moment. The best part is, Liam Nielson and Neil Patrick Harris are also in this film!! I love you Liam and Neil!!! From the trailer perspective this does seem like a cookie cutter kind of story with no real crazy punches being thrown in the mix. So I do expect the story to be pretty crisp and unconvoluted. I imagine the jokes, comedic timing and great character acting are really going to make this film awesome.

Current Judgment: This looks downright hilarious and I have trust in Seth's abilities to make us laugh.

Edge of Tomorrow
Drop Date: June 6 2O14

Guys, I have a secret and that is...I like to watch Tom Cruise run. Like seriously...he runs in every movie...even if a car is a much more viable option. Now that confession time is over, onwards and upwards! Edge of Tomorrow is based off of a Sci-Fi Japanese light novel called "All You Need is Kill" about a man who gets killed on his first sortie during an alien invasion and through a phenomenon, gets returned alive back to his first day before the war. He realizes as the story progresses that he is caught in a time loop where he continues to return to his first day. Each time he battles, he grows in skill as a soldier and desperately tries to change his fate and the fate of the war.

Current Judgment: The trailer seems super shaky on whether it will be good or not. The premise is interesting for sure and Tom Cruise always looks good in Science Fiction. Edge of Tomorrow definitely gives off that Oblivion feel, so lets hope its nothing like Oblivion and is super bad ass instead.

How to Train Your Dragon 2
Drop Date: June 13, 2O14

Our hero Hiccup returns with his dragon pal, Toothless, in a brand new adventure fighting against an evil force that wants to trap the dragons the vikings have come to love! Get ready for all things dragon in this killer sequal and OMG, Hiccup's mom! Super High Five!

Current Judgment: This movie looks amazing, I'm super excited!

22 Jump Street
Drop Date: June 13 2O14

Because going through high school wasn't enough for Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. Now we must tickle your fantasies of the crew roaming through college too with the exact same film title, one number down. Get ready for Ice Cube's career reboot with a side of mega boobs, drinking and college-inspired comedy violence. Did we need another one of these?

Current Judgment: That guy at the end was WAY too enthusiastic about his jail time butt rape.

The Rover
Drop Date: June 13 2O14

Robert Pattinson is desperately trying to shed his gay vampire persona and become an "Actor for Realz." However who knows if Robert will stand the test of time? The trailer for The Rover is super vague at best. Robert Pattinson looks like a scared little dove shaking in corners, with his pistol, in his vehicle. While everyone else has guns and cars and...whatever people do when the world ends. You can't even understand what Guy Pearce is saying throughout the trailer because he's got the, "sexy mumbles of doom" type of voice going on. That type of shit agitates me. Can we get a translator?

Current Judgment: So the trailer tells you nothing...so I give this a more likely chance to fail as it doesn't even inspire me to want to see it.

The Signal
Drop Date: June 13, 2O14

The signal talks about three college students that decide to take a detour on a roadtrip and instead of just continue on their road trip, they decide to do something dumb. Like...decide to track down a computer genius that had hacked into MIT for shits and giggles. Because youth is so easy to kill off in movies. Well, bozo and the gang find themselves in an isolated area...cue something unusual happens. Then the trailer basically states one of these guys has been either infected...or chosen or...now hes subhuman. Not sure. Laurence Fishbourne is in this so I expect him to go all Matrix on this guy's ass.

Current Judgment: This could legitimately be good, granted the execution and build up is well put together and the reveal isn't lame. I expect him to be in contact with some alien species and that would be super bad ass.

Transformers: Age of Extinction
Drop Date: June 27, 2O14

Michael Bay rapes your Transformers childhood one last time in this film that shockingly does NOT star Even Stevens actor, Shia LaBeouf. So in conclusion, maybe this won't be so bad. I was tired of that kid any way.  But its OK....you got til the end of summer to recover when Michael Bay rapes your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle childhood as well. The whole movie is about the eradicating the Transformers and it actually looks decent this time. Granted there are no grand daddy robots or racial caricatures of robots in store.

Current Judgment: I wanted to hate this....but Mark Wahlberg is starring and there are FREAKING DINOBOTS! *FIST PUMP* I love dinobots! I WANT MORE ROBOT CARNAGE PORN AND I WANT IT NOW!

Deliver Us From Evil
Drop Date: July 2, 2O14

I'm not really into scary movies, but Eric Bana stars in this crazy flick about an investigation in creepy toys coming to life and demonic possessions. Based on the true story of the bone chilling cases of Ralph Sarchie, a New York detective and the author of "Beware the Night." Who knows, maybe it will be good? The trailer title insinuates that we might see the devil...so I expect an epic battle between Eric and El Diablo.

Current Judgment: I'll probably sit this one out in fear I'll piss my pants. A good, creepy night time crime-paranormal thriller for those of you who are horror junkies.

Begin Again
Drop Date: July 4, 2O14

A famous musician that loses his job and a musician's girlfriend that loses her boyfriend team up to make music together. Whether its under the bridge or through the woods or off to grandma's house they go. Mike Ruffalo and Kiera Knightely star with Adam Levine [who plays a douchy famous musician/singer] and Ceelo Greene [because there always need a cool guy in these kind of films] in a movie about starting over and moving past your crappy life circumstances. Basically its a film about real life except the part where everything works out in the end. That's not real life.

Current Judgment: The jokes in the trailer aren't really that funny, so I give this a half and half chance of staying alive after being gnawed to death by the review brigade. Also....Kiera Knightely's inspirational song is far from inspiring or beautiful. Stick to the Avengers, Mike.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Drop Date: July 11, 2O14

I call this the day where Caesar takes the stand and kills off the rest of us hoomans. I can't wait to watch Andy Serkis act like a chimp for 2 hours and watch Gary Oldman try to kill him off. I am also sad that James Franco is not in this one, so my assumption is that he died off with the rest of the weakness known as humanity. That makes it easier for Caesar to be less conflicted about going on a murdering rampage against the last of our species.

Current Judgment: The trailer doesn't tell us much, but that war is coming between the humans and the apes. I forsee this going to be a baaaaad time for humanity and a good time for us movie goers!

Jupiter Ascending
Drop Date: July 18, 2O14

I'll just leave this rotten tomatoes description here:

Jupiter Jones (Kunis) was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people's houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine (Tatum), a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along-her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

Current Judgment: If that doesn't sound interesting...I don't know what will. The trailer though gives the whole movie the case of the "I don't know if this will suck ass" kind of feel to it. Jupiter Ascending has a grave chance of being super awesome or super shitty with amazing special effects. Either way I want to find out. Also Sean Bean is in this movie...can't wait to find out how Sean Bean dies in this one!

Planes: Fire and Rescue
Drop Date: July 18, 2O14

Because Planes just....won't...diiieeeee. Disney is once again milking your childhood fantasies in another adventure of a group of fliers with personalities that save the day. I wish they would stop making these things and hurry up with Wreck-it-Ralph 2 already! WRECK IT RALPH IS YOUR CASH COW DISNEY!! NOT THIS STUPID PLANE AND CAR BULL SHIT. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!

Current Judgment: Can some one tell Disney this joke isn't funny anymore?

Hercules
Drop Date: July 25, 2O14

Because....hold on to your butts! Its Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a very tanned Hercules! Watch as Hercules roars and beats stuff up while Hollywood makes it its mission to destroy any retelling resemblance of our mythical Greek hero forever!  This has such a Princess Mononoke feel to it that I don't know what to feel...so here is my retelling based on the trailer:

In a world, where Hercules has gone through his 12 trials and has become a sell sword for hire, one King has hired him to lay the smack down on a warlord threatening the land. Join us on a mythical journey of Hercules beating up pigs, Hercules beating up serpents, Hercules beating up lions and wearing its carcass, and Hercules screaming his own name! WATCH HERCULES....the 57th retelling of Greek lore.

Current Judgment: This is going to be a total dude/CGI movie with almost no plot. And if there is a plot...its going to be the most unnecessarily convoluted stupid plot possible. I don't have high hopes on this one, so lets see if it surprises me.

Sex Tape
Drop Date: July 25, 2O14

This is about a couple [Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz] that tried to get their mojo back by making a sex tape. And then it was uploaded to the cloud where anyone has a chance to see their naughty bits. Now they must go to great lengths to get it back...or break everyone's shit so nobody gets a chance to see them bumping uglies. I think there should be a damage meter attached to this movie!

Current Judgment: I wanted to like it, but the trailer doesn't inspire. So Im imagining that it will be funny, but very formula like to any comedy where they learn something at the end and horray for sex. But who is actually looking forward to watching Segal and Diaz do it? I'm not.

Guardians of the Galaxy
Drop Date: August 1, 2O14

I am very unfamiliar with this part of the Marvel universe, however the premise intrigues me. A mishmash group of outlaws goes out to save the galaxy, I guess? There was no central plot presented in the trailers, so it will be interesting to see what this is all about.

Current Judgment: Just the raccoon with a weapon alone makes me want to go see this!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Drop Date: August 8, 2O14

TURTLE POWER! Didn't I tell you Michael Bay was going to shit on your childhood some more by the end of summer? Now that I know that they are not aliens, I am looking forward to seeing this reboot version of the Ninja Turtles. I can't imagine this being worse than the original movies which were super cheesy. Remember how the first one had Vanilla Ice in it? GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! Yeah...cant be worse than that. And look, Megan Fox kiss and made up with Michael Bay, awww. She has a part. Her acting career isn't as irrelevant as I thought.

Current Judgment: I will give this one a chance because it actually looks pretty cool. I hope Master Splinter is in this one! You can't have a movie without Master Splinter.

Lucy
Drop Date: August 8, 2O14

A seriously killer film by the same writer as The Professional/The Fifth Element about a woman who gets kidnapped and forced into transporting a substance that is sewed into her stomach. She gets the shit beaten out of her and something incredible happens. When the substance leaks inside of her, it gives her the ability to have full access to all parts of her brain, creating a super human warrior that takes vengeance on her captors.

Current Judgment: This movie looks freaken amazing!

Lets Be Cops
Drop Date: August 13, 2O14

This is a story of two bros [Nick and Justin] who lead normal, boring lives. One day they decided to dress up as cops for a party and realized how much they could dupe people into believing they had authority. Hilarity ensues, that is until they get too carried away and started showing up at real emergency calls...

Current Judgment: It looks pretty funny in the usual over the top kind of way.

The Expendables 3
Drop Date: August 15, 2O14

Its your favorite action heroes smashed into one movie yet again for a third round of who the hell cares, we got an all star cast! Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Terry Crews, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson and Kelsey Grammer. Yup this will have little plot and still probably rock your socks off and wet your little boy popcorn fantasies.

Current Judgment: All star action cast orgasm can only mean one thing...lots of box office money!

The Giver
Drop Date: August 15 2O14

The Giver is based on the prize winning novel that you had to suffer through at least once in your schooling career. All joking aside, I actually liked The Giver. It was about a utopian society where conformity was at its highest. People only saw in black and white, had no idea what a hippopotamus looked like, didn't know what war was or what love is. At the age of 12, Jonas had his job ceremony and became the Receiver. His job is to receive the memories of the Giver, but what he received was a much greater gift that turns his world upside down.

Current Judgment: I love Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep, but this trailer looks low quality. I'm not sure how many changes they have made to this story, but I'm not going to have high hopes for this one.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
Drop Date: August 22, 2O14

I admit, I was not a fan of the first Sin City movie. I watched it for 2O minutes and turned it off. Too much beginning narration killed it for me. However this trailer might change my mind. The story setting is live action comic, very similar to the first as all Frank Miller movies are. It has a great cast including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Mickey Rourke, Eva Green, Jessica Alba, and Danny Trejo.

Current Judgment: Something worth giving a shot, granted they keep the movie well paced and no slow starts.

Jane Got a Gun
Drop Date: August 29, 2O14

The last potential movie of the season...Jane Got A Gun. What a title! However there is no trailer for this one. Sorry folks. Here is what Rotten Tomatoes description states: "Natalie Portman stars in this western concerning a woman who has to defend her home against a group of outlaws." Starring Natalie Portman, Ewan Mcgregor, some Australian dude and Bradley Cooper.

Current Judgment: No trailer means no judgment. You win this round...no trailer movie!


Not a movie...but honorable mention:

Game of Thrones - Season 4
Drop Date: April 6 2O14

Its killing season and I am so pumped! *Fist Pump!* ALL MEN MUST DIE! This season is going to be based on A Feast for Crows and I'm super excited to see what is going to happen next. They already caught my interest with the first episode as we see our heroes deal with their own unique problems all over the world of Westeros. My favorite characters so far are Arya Stark, Daenerys Targaryen and Tyrion Lannister. Jaime has kind of grown on me too...he seemed less of a douche when he saved Brienne from their captors even though he didn't have to. I give him props.

Current Judgment: I HOPE THAT LITTLE SHIT, JOFFREY, DIES. And George R.R. Martin better not die before he finishes! HURRY UP DAMN IT! *cracks whip*


YOUR TURN TO SELECT THE VICTIMS:

Put in your votes..which one do you want to see a review on most this season? What movies are you interested in seeing for yourself? Comment below!!

If you like my blog, subscribe, comment, follow it like its hot!