Captain America 2: HAIL HYDRA!

 
Captain America graces the screen once again in a new adventure with Black Widow and Nick Fury, continuing the Marvel Saga in the ever complicated Avengers 2 setup. Time has passed in the Marvel cineverse. Steve Rogers is now working for SHIELD and finding purpose in his new role as team leader. He is catching up with the times and making peace with himself for everything he has missed the past several decades. However his past never seems to leave him, does it?

Down and Dirty: [Just how you like it]

This fight would have been better with Magneto in the picture

The first impression is that this movie is better than the first. I always felt Disney had a knack of getting the right people on board for their work, but this has to be the best Marvel movie of the season. Thor 2 was kind of better than the first, but Captain America 2 was leagues better than its predecessor. The story was well paced, there was plenty of action and it was a good lead into an exciting Avengers movie coming out next year.

Especially with the biggest shock of the comic season, the destruction of SHIELD.  It will be interesting to see how Nick Fury will continue on now that all of his agents went their separate ways and he will no longer get funding considering it was all HYDRA supported any way.

Story: 

Like I stated before, the story was well paced and for the most part pretty good. Steve was always like Superman to me. One of those shining penny "do-gooders" that can't help, but to do good things. I really hate shining pennies because they are too righteous for my taste. It was good to see Steve becoming a fugitive and having to do things he wouldn't normally do while still being Steve. Black Widow, however, is much more comfortable with doing whatever is necessary to keep everyone alive and has little remorse in doing it as well. I thought their pairing added a good flair to the story. Both of them helped each other out in areas where the other was deficient in.

Although the one thing that did bother me was the title "Winter Soldier" which we thought would be focused on Bucky's character, but I was disappointed to find out it didn't. In fact, if you removed Bucky entirely from the film, it would have made no difference at all. It was a strangely remote side plot that had such little effect overall that you could have replaced Bucky and the movie would have still been good. The only thing Bucky really affected was Steve's emotional connection to his past. Something Steve misses considering he is a fish out of water literally everywhere he goes.

Action:

For you action buffs out there, there was plenty of explosions, carnage porn, gun fights, and trash talking in this film. The best parts are really the fights between Captain America and the Winter Soldier. Although there were a couple fights I found to be flat out hilarious. This includes Captain America against what looks like a Russian commando that has a flair for back flips. It took me back to the old days of the age of martial arts movies where the bad guy has to sell his abilities by doing all these crazy kicks before they even start fighting. He kind of looked like a blocky headed Jean Claude Van Damme to me.

He's like a Bond Villain, but more Koch Brothery...

Robert Redford:

This was a total surprise to me. I really haven't seen Robert Redford in any movie in a while. Or maybe I just don't watch Robert Redford movies period. Either way, I was pleasantly surprised to see Robert in the film as the villain. He performed beautifully, straddling both sides of the equation of good and evil, while still being on the side of evil. His arguments were eloquent and convincing.

YOU CAN'T KILL THE FURY!:

This is just a normal day for a brother with money

They tried to kill the fury, they failed. YOU CAN'T KILL SAMUEL L JACKSON! He's going to pop a cap in your ass or sick the Hulk on you. I knew he wasn't dead. I know black people seem to drop like flies in movies, but this is Samuel L Jackson. Nobody kills Samuel L Jackson without Samuel L Jackson's permission. Plus I love Samuel L Jackson...he makes every movie 1OOO% percent better. YES. You can't kill the fury!!


Captain's Log - The Gripes:

1. Hail Hydra:

Why does anyone bother saying this anymore? Doesn't everyone know who is in the Hydra Conspiracy by now? I never liked Senator Stern any way, but did we need to know he was in on the conspiracy? That sounds like a normal day in the life of DC's most wanted. Its just an emphasis on the already existing sentiment that DC is corrupt.

2. For an Assassin His Aim was Shitty:

What kind of assassin carries a dagger on their back?

First off, a traditional assassin never goes out in the open to reveal himself. He is supposed to be a ghost. One minute you hear something, the next you are dead. They were not designed for long term hand to hand combat, unless absolutely necessary.

The main focus is always to fight, then escape so they can set up for the kill again. Second...you are telling me this Assassin can't hit two targets? He has the better aim out of all the goombas that HYDRA hired and he can't knock some one out from several yards away? Maybe the Buckster just needs another round of CBT assassin training and he should be good to go on his requirements.


3. DC Traffic:

Nope, I call bullshit. It is impossible to flow through traffic that easily in DC, even on the sidewalk. I always find movies that are done in major cities like New York and LA hilarious when they attempt a car chase. Also what bugs me is the scene where the Winter Soldier is in the middle of the freeway with a rocket launcher and nobody notices this. Then there is a huge fire-breathing, vehicle-flipping explosion and these cars are passing this shit by like its a minor demonstration for Free the Pandas. You would think they would swerve a bit at least out of courtesy.

4. You Use to be Hot:

This had to have been his face when he first saw her again

Yeah that girl he wanted to go on a date with? Totally decided to friend zone her. What a douche.

I can imagine the conversation now:

Steve: Thanks, but you are wrinkly, old, and apparently not a virgin now. I think its time for me to move onto girls my own age.

Peggy: Steve...you are 95.

Steve: I'm like whiskey, baby...I get better with age! I'm sure the girls will understand.

Peggy: Steve..you are a weapon of SHIELD, you can recall the good ol days when the Nazis took over and you could smoke on the job, you are a magnet for death and destruction and you are married to your work. Nobody is going to want you.

Steve: SHUT UP PEG.

5. The Starks Send Their Regards:

Anyone noticed that the Hydra scientist stated "accidents happen." This is a great lead into Tony's history without ever addressing him in the movie. Is this going to get discussed in the Avengers? I freaken hope so. I want to see Tony beat HYDRA's ass for his father's sake.

He needed a jumping start to throw the shield properly

6. That Shield:

That shield...drives me insane. Not once does it bounce off into a ditch, the ocean, off the freeway or any other random place. It either sticks, boomerangs back or conveniently falls into/on a vehicle for easy retrieval. For once I would like to see him lose that shit for a while because he just irresponsibly tosses it around like its Ultimate Frisbee.

7. Pretty Boy Face without a Scratch:

Until the last 3O minutes of the film, Captain America didn't receive a scratch for almost the entire movie. Including a scene where a missile destroys the entire building that he was in and another where he was running through a bus full of flying glass, scrap metal and bullets. I know we are trying to keep the main character pretty for most of the movie...but seriously? Steve was armorless the majority of the movie. He should be beaten up pretty good even before he Bucky gets to him.

8. BababaBombbombbombbomb:

Which brings me to my next point...a huge missile strikes the facility destroying every bit of concrete, metal and infrastructure support that exists and black widow and the Captain survives because they jumped into a ditch last minute. PLEASE. Nobody can survive that even with his dumpy shield. The shock of the blast could have easily made their insides explode.

9. Hes not the Juggernaut/Wolverine/Thor, people:

Marvel is beginning to confuse Captain America's abilities. I thought he was a super human with super strength, speed and agility. That doesn't mean he can dodge bullets, or fall fifty stories, or crash through concrete walls or survive an airship crash. He even gets shot 4 times and survives easily with all the internal injuries. Not only did he get shot, he finished the mission and pulled Sir Bucky out of the wreckage as the ship came tumbling slowly down like a pretty pink cloud [because apparently the rapid loss of velocity combined with the rumbling chaos from crashing into a building had no effect on the Captain's ability to stroll around the wreckage]. And he DOESNT DIE. DUDE. Hes a genetically modified super human...not wolverine. All of that would have killed him. In fact, this whole movie should have murdered him.

1O. Falcon does not Equal New War Machine:

Its a bird, its a plane...nope its just a black guy with a jet pack

They really tried to make the Falcon like War Machine and it didn't work for me. You are telling me he can avoid 12 heat seeking missiles? I call Shenanigans. Even Tony Stark had to drop flares and ditch. I feel like Falcon is not on the same level as Captain America and felt more like a side-kick than an equal like Tony and Rhodey. They also chose not to emphasize Falcon's special abilities and made him just a dude with a jet pack rather than having that special connection with birds.


11. Apparently Agent Strovenoff Von Nice Rack is Julian Assange:

So I am assuming they are making this the LAST Marvel movie leading up to the Avengers next summer. And SURPRISE...SHIELD is gone! All of their agents went their seperate ways. Including the Captain, that is now off chasing Bucky while Black Widow is trying to find a new Identity [and a new movie...hint]. And I hope that show Agents of SHIELD dies along with it.

Sorry Hawk Eye, I'm ditching you for a bigger man.

12. Is it Hot in Here?:

Black Widow was so macking on Steve....but he was such a bitch! Whenever its "Steve" at the helm of his sex life...its like City of Virgins down there.

He's so doey-eyed innocent. I think he might have been disgusted he wasted his first kiss alive on a hot agent trying to keep them from dying. I think that's the perfect reason to kiss some one. Death imminent...KISS ME YOU FOOL!


Black Widow: I want to hop on your pogo stick.

Steve:  Ah shucks, gee willikers, ma'am. I don't have a pogo stick, but I can sure buy one for you if you need it for a mission.

Black Widow: *SIGH*

Come on Steve, its the 21st century, THIS WOMAN DIDN'T GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE TO FIND BUCKY'S FILE SO YOU CAN BE SWELL PALS. And I assume you still haven't discovered the wonderful world of free internet porn yet because if you did, you would never leave your room again.

SHIELD Agent: Captain! Captain! Thanos is invading!

Captain America: Don't care, there is a midget with two dolphins and this guy is watching it.

Nick Fury: Captain, Ultron is destroying the unive...oh my lord, what the hell happened to this room? Also what is that nasty stench? Is that shit in a bucket?

Captain America: Hold on damn it, this woman is just about to have sex on a unicycle suspended on a tight rope with three dogs on her shoulders.

Nick Fury: *SIGH*

13. Random Super Agent SHIT:

Twice in this movie agents just randomly pop out of no where. I know agents of SHIELD are supposed to be the best at what they do, but what the hell people! You want me to believe Agent Von Nice Rack smuggled out the old lady hostage from a room that clearly had NO way to sneak out, took her clothes [or shes in the bathroom dead and naked...who knows], and then planted herself in the room? Thats not only crap, thats super crap. And why didn't every other agent do that in the movie? This would have been handled a long time ago if they pulled these stunts. WHERE ARE YOU...AGENTS OF SHIELD? Too busy to defend the nation? Assholes.

14. Falcon's Gas Tank:

John Woo must have directed this scene...

NEVER RUNS OUT. That thing looks crude as crap...you are telling me that he has that much gas to fly that thing for that long? Nope. Not buying it. Also I am confused on its origins. Was it Air Force technology or Army technology? Because if it was Air Force technology, why was it stored on an Army installation?

15. So We Meet Again...on a Slim Walkway Suspended in the Air:

Every time Ive seen movies where there is a final battle between good and evil...its always in the most inconvenient places ever. Like a narrow walkway where anyone can fall off and die. But they never do because that wouldn't be fun. Actually...I think this happened in Captain 1 as well. Didn't Red Blow Pop Face also fight Steve in a similar setting? Or at least burn down the walkway? I can't remember anymore.

16. You'll die!:

Colbie Smulders...you took a good 8 miliseconds of mortal guilt before you hit that button when Steve insisted. You are a bad friend.

17. Black Widow is the Only Reason Rogers is Still Alive:

BCGs, the super hero's tool for becoming anonymous

As Rogers became a fugitive on the run, there were countless close calls that were thwarted by Agent Von Nice Rack's clever thinking. Yes, he is big and buff and can beat ass, but he can't do it forever and he sucks at laying low.

At some point these bad guys are going to get the bright idea of attacking him all at once and then he's definitely doomed. I really wonder what would happen to Rogers if Von Nice Rack would have been his enemy? He would have been Robert's bitch for the rest of the movie.

18. The Easy Way Out:

OK, so Nick Fury uses this acid shit to eat away at the car and run away from the popo [not possible in an upside down car without being noticed, but sure...lets go with that]. Well, Steve, Colbie and the gang do the same trick in a MOVING VAN and managed to hijack another van to go to SHIELD's alternative location. How did this happen again?

How is it possible to dump through the bottom in the middle of traffic without being noticed? Lets say they stopped at a traffic light along the way [it is DC after all and traffic only seems convenient when the plot says so]....they would only have a few minutes for all four of them to drop through the bottom. Now they only have two choices, either roll off to the side [which they could inevitably be spotted in the rear view mirror] or they could low crawl toward the back of the vehicle. This would take way too much time for four people to accomplish at one traffic light. So let me ask again, how could this have happened?

19. Wow You Killed Everyone in the Room Now You Can't....Wait, Never Mind:

Brock realized pokemon were stupid and became a Nazi instead

So there is a scene where pretty much everyone in the control room is murdered by the bad guys after a stand off between HYDRA and SHIELD agents. You would figure nobody could possibly launch the floating fortresses of doom now, but you're wrong.

Hydra goon, Brock, still manages to launch them because well, screw it, we need a final battle scene and lots of shit to destroy for your movie watching pleasure. This also happens quite a few times with Black Widow as well. Nobody knows how to operate...wait Black Widow just happens to know how to break in. All of these agents are not just assassins, they are also apparently brilliant hackers. Who would have thunk it?

2O. VA Dude Tags Along:

Hey dude I just met while running and works at the VA, you can totally come along on my adventures. Don't worry, we will steal your wings for you, so you can fly around to create more plot conveniences for us. Seriously, Marvel, who just blabs away all of SHIELD's highly classified problems? Steve Rogers does.

21. You, Hydra Guy, on the Roof. NOW.:

So Steve, Black Widow and VA Dude kidnap a Hydra member to threaten him into telling them their evil plans. Wouldn't somebody have noticed this flunky was gone? Also the Senator just walked away only a minute ago. Couldn't he run to him for safety? Also how come nobody noticed VA dude flying around after saving evil flunky from dying? In the Marvel universe, nobody ever seems to notice out of the ordinary things at all. I guess people are just like, "Nope, none of my business. I'm just going to get a donut and never mention this to anyone."

Carnage Porn. You're welcome.

22. Eliminating Terrorists Everywhere:

So SHIELD aka Hydra's plan was using flying gunships to take out terrorists before they even plot to hurt anyone. How is this shit not illegal? Where is the due process? You are telling me you are just going to go out and murder a shit ton of people and go "You're Welcome, America." Who is funding this? Enron?

23. Why do They Keep Making These Things?:

Didn't SHIELD have a flying fortress in the Avengers? Why the hell do they keep making these things? They can't be that cheap and besides that...they are easy to find and destroy. We discovered that flaw in the Avengers movie. Shouldn't SHIELD be a bit more subtle than that? This can't possibly be good for the environment.


So overall, there were quite a few holes that could have been fleshed out better, but irregardless I still stick to my original thoughts. This was much better than the first and I think Captain America alone is a considerably boring character archetype. However with Black Widow and Nick Fury in the mix, he seems to do pretty well as an interesting person considering the circumstances they put him in. I really can't wait for him to catch up to Bucky and team up together in the Avengers! A girl can only wish.

What did you think of the new Captain America movie? Comment Below!

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DnD Rating: 8/1O

Extra Goodies in the Bag? Oh yes. Marvel gives us its traditional two scene twist affair. One teaser a little after the credits start and another teaser AFTER the credits finish. The better one of the two is the first...the other one is just an unclosed thread.

 The Big OMG moment: In case you are wondering who those two people were in the after credits scene. That's Quicksilver [Aaron Taylor-Johnson] and Scarlet Witch [Elizabeth Olsen]. Yes....Magneto's kids. FIGURE OUT THAT DISNEY/FOX CROSS OVER. However they are not mutants...so the fun begins on how Disney will explain the origins of the twins. HAIL HYDRA!

Summer Krush: The Official DnD Summer Block Buster Victim List

Summer is around the corner and I can't wait to sink my mind into some awesome movies coming out to the theaters. For your reading pleasure, I made a list of all the movies that have potential to be reviewed. So pull out your knives, guns, and bazookas...LETS BUST OUT THE VICTIM LIST!


The Amazing Spiderman 2
Drop Date: May 2, 2O14

The second Spiderman movie in line...now with Jamie Foxx! Hells yeah. Sony finally did a good job of rebooting the series and made it punchier than ever. This installation should be more interesting as the trailer indicates. Its already starting out with an 86% fresh early, but who knows where that percentage will land in the end. Whenever you got more than one person tacked on writing a single script, that shit makes me nervous. I can't wait to see what happens!

Current Judgment: This looks pretty exciting, so I expect there to be a lot of web spinning in the air, flipping in the air, almost dieing in the air, getting shot in the air and being blown out of the air. We got a big fight coming up with both Electro and the Green Goblin. Bring it!




Neighbors
Drop Date: May 9, 2O14

This movie stars Seth Rogan as his usual dumpy, furry self and pretty boy, Zac Efron as a frat douche bag [which is kind of how I always imagined him in real life] that go to war with each other. Except Seth has a baby and hes living next to Delta Lama Beer Drunks who do douchy things like party and be assholes. Seth breaks the sacred trust of the party freaks and then all hell breaks loose. Yup its one of those get even kind of movies where you hope the dumpy guy wins.

Current Judgment: This surprisingly has a really high rating way too early in the game. I'm wondering if they are pumping the numbers or this is actually that good. I vote that its going to be full on raunch, stupidity and revenge that has some shock value.

Godzilla
Drop Date: May 16 2O14

OK, before you start...I know the last one was horrible. Lets not go there. Lets reset, forgive, and move forward. I am really excited about this one and I think it might actually redeem the horror that was that other movie we shall not speak of. First off...Godzilla actually looks like Godzilla, but way freaken cooler and more realistic. Which is a huge plus! The graphics are rockin from what I have seen so far. Second, Bryan Cranston is in this and nobody does it better than him. I imagine that if he is in this film, its pretty decent. And third...its Godzilla!!!

Current Judgment: You already know...I vote this one is going to be pretty awesome.

X-Men: Days of Future Past
Drop Date: May 23, 2O14

We all have been burned by X-Men 3 and the Wolverine movies....and how they ruined Dead Pool [still butt hurt about that one], but I think this one might be seriously good. It looks like a wonderful mix of new and old cast coming together to make a really interesting time traveling movie, X-Men style. This story is all about the X-men going into the past to save their future from extinction and Peter Dinklage...[I'm not kidding...he's in this one. STORM THE LITTLE PEOPLE BEFORE THEY BUILD ROBOTS!]

Current Judgment: THE CAST IS BACK Y'ALL! HELLS YEAH!

Maleficent
Drop Date: May 3O, 2O14

This is the flip side of the story about the great Maleficent, the sultry villain of the tale, Sleeping Beauty. Angelina Jolie stars in this movie as the magnificent sorceress herself and how she became so darn wicked. I feel like the writers gave this story a Lucifer like vein with the stolen wings concept, which would be really cool if they did. It has this great dark feel and an air of wonder that Disney is so famous for. I'm really looking forward to this.

Current Judgment: A story about evil? What's not to like?

A Million Ways to Die in the West
Drop Date: May 3O, 2O14

A surprising entry that I had no idea existed until I saw the trailer last month. Seth Macfarlane and Charlize Theron star in this comedy about the wild west and how anyone or anything can kill you at any moment. The best part is, Liam Nielson and Neil Patrick Harris are also in this film!! I love you Liam and Neil!!! From the trailer perspective this does seem like a cookie cutter kind of story with no real crazy punches being thrown in the mix. So I do expect the story to be pretty crisp and unconvoluted. I imagine the jokes, comedic timing and great character acting are really going to make this film awesome.

Current Judgment: This looks downright hilarious and I have trust in Seth's abilities to make us laugh.

Edge of Tomorrow
Drop Date: June 6 2O14

Guys, I have a secret and that is...I like to watch Tom Cruise run. Like seriously...he runs in every movie...even if a car is a much more viable option. Now that confession time is over, onwards and upwards! Edge of Tomorrow is based off of a Sci-Fi Japanese light novel called "All You Need is Kill" about a man who gets killed on his first sortie during an alien invasion and through a phenomenon, gets returned alive back to his first day before the war. He realizes as the story progresses that he is caught in a time loop where he continues to return to his first day. Each time he battles, he grows in skill as a soldier and desperately tries to change his fate and the fate of the war.

Current Judgment: The trailer seems super shaky on whether it will be good or not. The premise is interesting for sure and Tom Cruise always looks good in Science Fiction. Edge of Tomorrow definitely gives off that Oblivion feel, so lets hope its nothing like Oblivion and is super bad ass instead.

How to Train Your Dragon 2
Drop Date: June 13, 2O14

Our hero Hiccup returns with his dragon pal, Toothless, in a brand new adventure fighting against an evil force that wants to trap the dragons the vikings have come to love! Get ready for all things dragon in this killer sequal and OMG, Hiccup's mom! Super High Five!

Current Judgment: This movie looks amazing, I'm super excited!

22 Jump Street
Drop Date: June 13 2O14

Because going through high school wasn't enough for Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum. Now we must tickle your fantasies of the crew roaming through college too with the exact same film title, one number down. Get ready for Ice Cube's career reboot with a side of mega boobs, drinking and college-inspired comedy violence. Did we need another one of these?

Current Judgment: That guy at the end was WAY too enthusiastic about his jail time butt rape.

The Rover
Drop Date: June 13 2O14

Robert Pattinson is desperately trying to shed his gay vampire persona and become an "Actor for Realz." However who knows if Robert will stand the test of time? The trailer for The Rover is super vague at best. Robert Pattinson looks like a scared little dove shaking in corners, with his pistol, in his vehicle. While everyone else has guns and cars and...whatever people do when the world ends. You can't even understand what Guy Pearce is saying throughout the trailer because he's got the, "sexy mumbles of doom" type of voice going on. That type of shit agitates me. Can we get a translator?

Current Judgment: So the trailer tells you nothing...so I give this a more likely chance to fail as it doesn't even inspire me to want to see it.

The Signal
Drop Date: June 13, 2O14

The signal talks about three college students that decide to take a detour on a roadtrip and instead of just continue on their road trip, they decide to do something dumb. Like...decide to track down a computer genius that had hacked into MIT for shits and giggles. Because youth is so easy to kill off in movies. Well, bozo and the gang find themselves in an isolated area...cue something unusual happens. Then the trailer basically states one of these guys has been either infected...or chosen or...now hes subhuman. Not sure. Laurence Fishbourne is in this so I expect him to go all Matrix on this guy's ass.

Current Judgment: This could legitimately be good, granted the execution and build up is well put together and the reveal isn't lame. I expect him to be in contact with some alien species and that would be super bad ass.

Transformers: Age of Extinction
Drop Date: June 27, 2O14

Michael Bay rapes your Transformers childhood one last time in this film that shockingly does NOT star Even Stevens actor, Shia LaBeouf. So in conclusion, maybe this won't be so bad. I was tired of that kid any way.  But its OK....you got til the end of summer to recover when Michael Bay rapes your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle childhood as well. The whole movie is about the eradicating the Transformers and it actually looks decent this time. Granted there are no grand daddy robots or racial caricatures of robots in store.

Current Judgment: I wanted to hate this....but Mark Wahlberg is starring and there are FREAKING DINOBOTS! *FIST PUMP* I love dinobots! I WANT MORE ROBOT CARNAGE PORN AND I WANT IT NOW!

Deliver Us From Evil
Drop Date: July 2, 2O14

I'm not really into scary movies, but Eric Bana stars in this crazy flick about an investigation in creepy toys coming to life and demonic possessions. Based on the true story of the bone chilling cases of Ralph Sarchie, a New York detective and the author of "Beware the Night." Who knows, maybe it will be good? The trailer title insinuates that we might see the devil...so I expect an epic battle between Eric and El Diablo.

Current Judgment: I'll probably sit this one out in fear I'll piss my pants. A good, creepy night time crime-paranormal thriller for those of you who are horror junkies.

Begin Again
Drop Date: July 4, 2O14

A famous musician that loses his job and a musician's girlfriend that loses her boyfriend team up to make music together. Whether its under the bridge or through the woods or off to grandma's house they go. Mike Ruffalo and Kiera Knightely star with Adam Levine [who plays a douchy famous musician/singer] and Ceelo Greene [because there always need a cool guy in these kind of films] in a movie about starting over and moving past your crappy life circumstances. Basically its a film about real life except the part where everything works out in the end. That's not real life.

Current Judgment: The jokes in the trailer aren't really that funny, so I give this a half and half chance of staying alive after being gnawed to death by the review brigade. Also....Kiera Knightely's inspirational song is far from inspiring or beautiful. Stick to the Avengers, Mike.

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes
Drop Date: July 11, 2O14

I call this the day where Caesar takes the stand and kills off the rest of us hoomans. I can't wait to watch Andy Serkis act like a chimp for 2 hours and watch Gary Oldman try to kill him off. I am also sad that James Franco is not in this one, so my assumption is that he died off with the rest of the weakness known as humanity. That makes it easier for Caesar to be less conflicted about going on a murdering rampage against the last of our species.

Current Judgment: The trailer doesn't tell us much, but that war is coming between the humans and the apes. I forsee this going to be a baaaaad time for humanity and a good time for us movie goers!

Jupiter Ascending
Drop Date: July 18, 2O14

I'll just leave this rotten tomatoes description here:

Jupiter Jones (Kunis) was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people's houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine (Tatum), a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along-her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

Current Judgment: If that doesn't sound interesting...I don't know what will. The trailer though gives the whole movie the case of the "I don't know if this will suck ass" kind of feel to it. Jupiter Ascending has a grave chance of being super awesome or super shitty with amazing special effects. Either way I want to find out. Also Sean Bean is in this movie...can't wait to find out how Sean Bean dies in this one!

Planes: Fire and Rescue
Drop Date: July 18, 2O14

Because Planes just....won't...diiieeeee. Disney is once again milking your childhood fantasies in another adventure of a group of fliers with personalities that save the day. I wish they would stop making these things and hurry up with Wreck-it-Ralph 2 already! WRECK IT RALPH IS YOUR CASH COW DISNEY!! NOT THIS STUPID PLANE AND CAR BULL SHIT. STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!

Current Judgment: Can some one tell Disney this joke isn't funny anymore?

Hercules
Drop Date: July 25, 2O14

Because....hold on to your butts! Its Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as a very tanned Hercules! Watch as Hercules roars and beats stuff up while Hollywood makes it its mission to destroy any retelling resemblance of our mythical Greek hero forever!  This has such a Princess Mononoke feel to it that I don't know what to feel...so here is my retelling based on the trailer:

In a world, where Hercules has gone through his 12 trials and has become a sell sword for hire, one King has hired him to lay the smack down on a warlord threatening the land. Join us on a mythical journey of Hercules beating up pigs, Hercules beating up serpents, Hercules beating up lions and wearing its carcass, and Hercules screaming his own name! WATCH HERCULES....the 57th retelling of Greek lore.

Current Judgment: This is going to be a total dude/CGI movie with almost no plot. And if there is a plot...its going to be the most unnecessarily convoluted stupid plot possible. I don't have high hopes on this one, so lets see if it surprises me.

Sex Tape
Drop Date: July 25, 2O14

This is about a couple [Jason Segal and Cameron Diaz] that tried to get their mojo back by making a sex tape. And then it was uploaded to the cloud where anyone has a chance to see their naughty bits. Now they must go to great lengths to get it back...or break everyone's shit so nobody gets a chance to see them bumping uglies. I think there should be a damage meter attached to this movie!

Current Judgment: I wanted to like it, but the trailer doesn't inspire. So Im imagining that it will be funny, but very formula like to any comedy where they learn something at the end and horray for sex. But who is actually looking forward to watching Segal and Diaz do it? I'm not.

Guardians of the Galaxy
Drop Date: August 1, 2O14

I am very unfamiliar with this part of the Marvel universe, however the premise intrigues me. A mishmash group of outlaws goes out to save the galaxy, I guess? There was no central plot presented in the trailers, so it will be interesting to see what this is all about.

Current Judgment: Just the raccoon with a weapon alone makes me want to go see this!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Drop Date: August 8, 2O14

TURTLE POWER! Didn't I tell you Michael Bay was going to shit on your childhood some more by the end of summer? Now that I know that they are not aliens, I am looking forward to seeing this reboot version of the Ninja Turtles. I can't imagine this being worse than the original movies which were super cheesy. Remember how the first one had Vanilla Ice in it? GO NINJA GO NINJA GO! Yeah...cant be worse than that. And look, Megan Fox kiss and made up with Michael Bay, awww. She has a part. Her acting career isn't as irrelevant as I thought.

Current Judgment: I will give this one a chance because it actually looks pretty cool. I hope Master Splinter is in this one! You can't have a movie without Master Splinter.

Lucy
Drop Date: August 8, 2O14

A seriously killer film by the same writer as The Professional/The Fifth Element about a woman who gets kidnapped and forced into transporting a substance that is sewed into her stomach. She gets the shit beaten out of her and something incredible happens. When the substance leaks inside of her, it gives her the ability to have full access to all parts of her brain, creating a super human warrior that takes vengeance on her captors.

Current Judgment: This movie looks freaken amazing!

Lets Be Cops
Drop Date: August 13, 2O14

This is a story of two bros [Nick and Justin] who lead normal, boring lives. One day they decided to dress up as cops for a party and realized how much they could dupe people into believing they had authority. Hilarity ensues, that is until they get too carried away and started showing up at real emergency calls...

Current Judgment: It looks pretty funny in the usual over the top kind of way.

The Expendables 3
Drop Date: August 15, 2O14

Its your favorite action heroes smashed into one movie yet again for a third round of who the hell cares, we got an all star cast! Sylvester Stallone, Jet Li, Randy Couture, Jason Statham, Arnold Schwartzenegger, Terry Crews, Wesley Snipes, Antonio Banderas, Harrison Ford, Dolph Lundgren, Mel Gibson and Kelsey Grammer. Yup this will have little plot and still probably rock your socks off and wet your little boy popcorn fantasies.

Current Judgment: All star action cast orgasm can only mean one thing...lots of box office money!

The Giver
Drop Date: August 15 2O14

The Giver is based on the prize winning novel that you had to suffer through at least once in your schooling career. All joking aside, I actually liked The Giver. It was about a utopian society where conformity was at its highest. People only saw in black and white, had no idea what a hippopotamus looked like, didn't know what war was or what love is. At the age of 12, Jonas had his job ceremony and became the Receiver. His job is to receive the memories of the Giver, but what he received was a much greater gift that turns his world upside down.

Current Judgment: I love Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep, but this trailer looks low quality. I'm not sure how many changes they have made to this story, but I'm not going to have high hopes for this one.

Sin City: A Dame to Kill For
Drop Date: August 22, 2O14

I admit, I was not a fan of the first Sin City movie. I watched it for 2O minutes and turned it off. Too much beginning narration killed it for me. However this trailer might change my mind. The story setting is live action comic, very similar to the first as all Frank Miller movies are. It has a great cast including Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, Josh Brolin, Mickey Rourke, Eva Green, Jessica Alba, and Danny Trejo.

Current Judgment: Something worth giving a shot, granted they keep the movie well paced and no slow starts.

Jane Got a Gun
Drop Date: August 29, 2O14

The last potential movie of the season...Jane Got A Gun. What a title! However there is no trailer for this one. Sorry folks. Here is what Rotten Tomatoes description states: "Natalie Portman stars in this western concerning a woman who has to defend her home against a group of outlaws." Starring Natalie Portman, Ewan Mcgregor, some Australian dude and Bradley Cooper.

Current Judgment: No trailer means no judgment. You win this round...no trailer movie!


Not a movie...but honorable mention:

Game of Thrones - Season 4
Drop Date: April 6 2O14

Its killing season and I am so pumped! *Fist Pump!* ALL MEN MUST DIE! This season is going to be based on A Feast for Crows and I'm super excited to see what is going to happen next. They already caught my interest with the first episode as we see our heroes deal with their own unique problems all over the world of Westeros. My favorite characters so far are Arya Stark, Daenerys Targaryen and Tyrion Lannister. Jaime has kind of grown on me too...he seemed less of a douche when he saved Brienne from their captors even though he didn't have to. I give him props.

Current Judgment: I HOPE THAT LITTLE SHIT, JOFFREY, DIES. And George R.R. Martin better not die before he finishes! HURRY UP DAMN IT! *cracks whip*


YOUR TURN TO SELECT THE VICTIMS:

Put in your votes..which one do you want to see a review on most this season? What movies are you interested in seeing for yourself? Comment below!!

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How I Met Your Mother - A Legen ---wait for it---dary Ending that Pissed Off the World

Its hard to end popular shows to get at least most people to nod and smile that it was a good ending to a series. How I Met Your Mother has ran brilliantly as one of the best stories ever told about a guy that desperately wants to find love. And then whoring his way all over the town to find it.

However many were enraged at the shows finale this past week. I for one, am actually not unhappy. It wasn't a perfect ending and definitely not what I imagined, but it really shows how truly complex and difficult relationships can be and I really enjoyed the somber reality of that message. So you can disagree with me all you want, but the twists and turns of the last episode really had me thinking way after the fact. I admit, the creators didn't set this up well enough to justify how oddball the ending turned out, but it wasn't all bad either. For a happy-go-lucky series, the ending really was about the imperfections of life between a group of friends and that even though bad shit happens, they eventually always find their way back to each other.

The most sickly cute couple on the planet.

Marshall and Lily - They were always the perfect couple and ended in the manner everyone would expect. Marshall keeps moving up in the world and Lily is very supportive of him. They are the example of marital bliss and it would make sense that Lily would be confused how her friends have not always fit in the same picture. However they were the perfect couple archetype that seemed to be the nurture and guidance the group needed. They were the "stability" of the group.

Ted finally meets the mother...after 8 years of searching.

Ted and the Mother - The show has been ELUDING to the fact that the mother actually dies. The episode where he talks to the mother's apartment door wishing he could spend just a little more time with her, was a big hint that their time was short. Ted's story was all about finding the "one" he wanted to spend his life with. So in the end, he finally found her, but also loses her. Its a somber, but realistic ending sometimes to the perfect fairy tale relationship. Ted has always been a tragic, romantic character.

Have you met my gay boyfriend?

 Barney - Barney has always been the joker character. Unstable, chaotic, and eccentric. Barney's character was never meant to settle down and the fact that he ended up divorcing Robin only made sense considering Robin is very career oriented and so is Barney. They were a fun couple, but Barney is considerably immature and foolish. He usually gets what he wants and it makes sense that he would be back on the prowl again. It also made sense that a kick in the nuts, like a baby, would stop him in his tracks. But I see him being a father that might still be irresponsible. His ending was realistic to his personality and what might happen with a player like him.

Canadians...this is how we American's imagine you.

Robin - Robin has always been the stand out character in the mix. Her role has been the seductress/tough girl. She doesn't fit in this group very well [neither does Barney honestly] however the chemistry works. She gives good feminine play off of Lily which would never exist with only the boys around. So she brings a balance even though her character is so odd. However Robin is a career oriented character too. She has always picked career over love and that is why her marriage was crushed. There was also a lot of eluding to her being with Ted in the end. Cold feet at the wedding is really bad. Both Barney and Robin almost had cold feet. It would make sense they would not stay together long.




This is how I saw the show. I watched all 8 seasons at once before the ninth season came out, so I have not been waiting all 9 years. I usually don't follow a series in general. I'll jump in usually in the middle of seasons.

The story was always about Ted wanting Robin. In fact, we can see how much Ted might be secretly comparing ALL the girls he dated as Robin in general. He just got lucky to find a girl that was even more lovely and more perfect than Robin could be at that time. In the final season we see Ted finally move on from Robin and we can tell it killed him that she was marrying Barney instead of him. But like the nice guy that he was, he let it be. But did he ever let her go? Maybe for the time he spent with his wife who made him very happy, but afterward, we can tell this whole story was told in a way where Robin was the center of Ted's problems in life.

What we do know is this:

1. Ted wanted a family and be in fairy tale love. He would never be able to get that through Robin since she was more career minded, had a fear or commitment and couldn't have kids. However Barney was totally happy and accepting of that situation since he never wanted kids and he was commitment phobic himself. So in the beginning Ted and Robin had very different goals and desires. She wanted a less sensitive man, but in the end, Robin was very insecure and needed a man who was strong enough to BE sensitive and accepting of her insecurities. So they were bound to take separate paths for the most part.

That one point when they had potential....

2. Barney and Robin were a train wreck as a couple. Even though they fit in certain aspects, they don't fit in all of them. Mainly because they are too similar is what makes them impossible to be committed to each other. The commitment-phobe, player, playful frat boy with the commitment-phobe, secretly sensitive, daddy issues, fun girl tend to cancel each other out in the overall mix.

The first time they were together, Barney ate himself to death and Robin was constantly miserable. The second time, Robin was at the height of her career and Barney was trying to be supportive, but it was more the Robin show and Barney was the tag along in her life. Their chemistry was really about the sex and the fact that both of them are "Dudes" in a way. Hanging with Robin for Barney was like making love to one of his best bros, but Barney doesn't even know HOW to be there for Robin if she really needed it. And Robin doesn't know how to tell people she needs it. Ted is the only one sensitive enough to notice when Robin is scared besides Lily. If you think about it, Robin rarely has broken down in front of Barney. She has gotten angry, but never has shown much fear or sadness. However virtually everyone else has seen her like that. What does that tell you about Robin? It tells you she never truly trusted Barney to be there for her, so he didn't get a chance to prove he is capable. Not even before the big wedding day does she tell him she is a bit afraid. It gets resolved outside of Barney's knowledge.

Most people will need some one that can be there for them and even though Barney is a good guy, he is still immature irregardless of how much he changed over the course of the series. In this case, Robin needed a solid person in her pocket and she also clearly needed to slow the hell down if she wanted a relationship. Personally I always thought she was running from being in love. Barney was the closest she ever had gotten to being in love, but in the end she still didn't put love first. That was a fatal mistake.  I really don't think either of these two even bothered to try to work it out. They could have, but I imagine that wasn't their style to sit down with a marriage counselor.

Robin is sad she let the genie of the wine bottle escape...

3. Robin leaves the gang. Some people were upset at how Robin ditched the gang for a while, however I understand Robin's point of view. It was impossible for Robin to keep a relationship with Lily without seeing Ted and Barney.

It would have been hard to bite on Lily's time while supporting Marshall in a stressful job, having three children and then what little time she had to spend with the gang, carve that time out for Robin too. I know Lily would have gladly done it if it meant keeping Robin in the group, but I can see Robin as hating to be a burden on anyone with her problems. Even if they promised that the divorce wouldn't change the dynamics of the group, it always does in the end. People have to pick sides and nobody wanted sides to be picked.

On top of that, everyone was clearly happy and she was alone and miserable. That's pretty hard to be on the outside looking in. Its not that Robin necessarily pushed Barney away on purpose, its just that she knew if he didn't want to be with her anymore, why force the issue? The last thing I would like to point out is nobody really showed the SUPPORT Robin desperately needed after divorcing Barney. Ted was occupied with Tracy, Lily had Marshall that needed her more, Barney quickly moved on, and all Robin had was her career and her dogs [which I had no idea where they came from, guess she got a new pack because she was lonely]. Robin and Barney's divorce was quickly steam rolled by Lily's announcement of her third pregnancy. So its no wonder Robin feels she has to suck it up even if she needed support. Barney was a different animal, he handles his pain through sex. It was natural for Barney to revert to make himself feel better.

So for those that were angry she ditched Lily, I think it was a mistake on her part, but that was classic Robin. She was handling it the only way she could, which was by herself because she yet again had a difficult time trying to ask for help. Robin needed that time to reevaluate her life and where she was going. This was good time for Robin to eventually return after she had mourned for her losses and pick back up again. She could not do that if the wounds continued to be ripped open by seeing everyone in a state of bliss, but her.

Horns are sexy, must steal her a horn.

4. Robin and Ted Strike Back. This story was always about Ted and in the end he DID get what he wanted. Which was the family and love he always desired. He spent wonderful years with a woman he adored and I don't think any of that time was wasted. It truly speaks to the fact that life is precious and you never know what will happen tomorrow so you must always hold onto and cherish today. Most of us would be so lucky to have a love so special such as Ted and Tracy at least ONCE in our lives.

It was beautiful for the time he spent and I'm sure if Ted could have more time he would steal it just like he stole the french blue horn. I don't see his relationship with Tracy as a lost, it showed him true love does exist and to continue loving deeply. His relationship with Tracy only brought back the romantic that died after so many years chasing Robin. While Robin has had enough time to forgive her failed marriage and return back into the fold. Robin now has what she wanted, a good career as a hard hitting reporter and at the same time, she is finally open to accept a sensitive, loving guy like Ted. I was personally thrilled Ted gave it one last chance.

However what people failed to notice was....Lily never gave Marshall the money back. In the final episode, Marshall begrudgingly gives Lily the money since he lost the bet on Ted and Robin getting together permanently. In a sense, the final scene was open ended. It doesn't mean they lived happily ever after, it means that Ted never let his love truly die for Robin. Robin was the woman he always wanted since the beginning and perhaps Robin is finally open enough to accept Ted as the man who always knew her better than she knew herself. Or maybe not. We will never know for sure. Robin is a fickle character. Perhaps they tried it out again and broke up for the 23rd time. It happens.

When is this story going to end? I already hit puberty

5. The kids were RIGHT all along. This WAS a story about how Ted was always in love with Robin. Even though the writers screwed with our heads in the beginning, think of ALL the episodes where Ted and Robin went back and forth together. And the bet that Lily and Marshall made where it became a running gag the entire 9 seasons of will they or wont they?

They were not the perfect couple like Ted was with Tracy, but they had good chemistry and Ted was the guy Robin always needed. She needed that sensitive guy to reassure her and that he loved her no matter what. The type of guy who knew in an instant that something was wrong and wouldn't let it go until it was fixed. She needed a guy who was experienced in handling problems appropriately. But Robin was always too stubborn and prideful to really be open to Ted and I really don't think she had more than friendship feelings for him. I believe Robin admires Ted's optimism when it came to love and that is really the attraction there. If Ted and Barney combined, that would be the right amount of everything for Robin in a sense. Both characters had traits she liked.

As for Barney, he was never portrayed as a sensitive guy to women, but a guy with a good heart that had a strange way of expressing his love. He even tells Robin he likes the fact that she is so independent. Meaning he doesn't have to be there for her as much because Barney has a hard time being the empathetic guy. But at least he became an honest guy, which was a signal that Barney really was giving this marriage stuff a try.

I really think the ending was more realistic to real life. Sometimes things don't work out and sometimes friends drift away. Sometimes you lose and sometimes you win. The point of the story was that they were ALWAYS friends and always came back together no matter how far apart they drifted. Including Robin. Even though she abandoned Lily for a while, Lily still forgave her. In the end, it was definitely bitter sweet, but I found it much more complex and interesting than an everyone lived happily ever after sort of deal. I see too much of that these days and it was a refreshing surprise to see such a complicated finale.

Things I wished they changed in the Ending:

1. I was SO waiting for the ultimate voice over wrap up of, "And that kids, is how I met your mother" but it never came. Ive been waiting 9 seasons to hear that....that was kind of a let down.

2. The kids blue eyes REALLY bother the shit out of me. Why do they have blue eyes? Both Smoshby and Tracy have brown eyes. What the heck, casters.

Hes crying because she threw up on his suit...

3. Barney's transformation from player to father figure is really abrupt. I really didn't care for the "all of a sudden I'm going to be a loving person" BS they tried to play off. What would have made more sense is Barney learned a few things from his marriage with Robin, changed at least some what and then transformed a bit more when his child came about. Although the way he acted about "number 31" really gave me the impression he was just going to send a check once a month or forge documents that the baby isn't his and be rid of the situation. I like the fact that he had a baby girl. He wouldn't have changed much if it was a baby boy, but because it was a girl, that forced him to look at women in a different light. Like..those women some day could be MY daughter and I would never want her to go out with a creep like me.

4. I was really disappointed the writers never showed how Barney felt after his divorce. They made it look like he sprung back pretty quickly, but I can't seem to shake how devastating something like that is to a guy who never wants marriage. To marry and it not work out to the only woman that he felt was good enough to be his wife. I wished they had a few moments where we saw Barney alone and realizing he does miss her, but never contacts her to tell her so.

Both of them discovered they liked banana yellow.

5. Flipping forward and backwards. There was way too much back and forth between the past and present. To the point I started caring less and less about the first meet between Ted and his wife. I also wish we got to spend much more time with the wife.

It was a bit unfair that the show was called "How I met your mother" and we spend 8 seasons waiting for this woman to show up and then we get maybe 45 minutes worth of cut scenes and a "hey guess what, shes dead too." Not like I didn't know she was dead...speculation has been swirling around for a while on the internet. That was fine. I just expected to see MORE of her and not less. But yet again...this story never was about the mother as the children expertly pointed out. This was about Robin.

Overall I am sure this finale will be debated for a long time to come. The creators have already stated there is an alternative ending to season 9 which I bet would be more in line with how viewers imagined the ending was going to be. I see it as the perfect way to sell DVDs after they took a risk and failed, but who knows how many sales they are going to get after this. People will probably just boycott and torrent the alternative ending instead.

What did you think of the series finale? Did you hate it as much as everyone else? What was your take on Barney, Robin and Ted's situation?

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Ender's Game: If you didn't read the book, screw you! Stay confused.

I finally got a chance to take a shot at Ender's Game. I am a huge sci-fi buff. So much that I am currently working on a novel in that genre. I love both Star Wars and Star Trek. I hate very little and love a lot. Ender's Game is a popular novel series by Orson Scott Card and is heralded by many as that one story that came before the Hunger Games about the controversy of kids being trained as killers.

So I do have Ender's Game on my Kindle and its on my to do list...like millions of other books. However I had a trusty expert with me that has read the series, so I can ask all the annoying questions during the movie, like the asshole reviewer I am. And boy were there so many questions...its hard to keep up.

First Impressions:

If you haven't read the book, you are literally screwed in every sense. The scenes are very
disconjointed and moved so quickly, no scene seemed significant enough for me to cling to the plot or the characters. The movie just flipped from scene to scene with little emotional connection. There was barely any foreshadowing [even though it desperately needed it] and half the shit I was confused about was never fleshed out or explained. So basically the entire movie was just a collection of scenes, leaving you wondering so much about Ender's violent behavior, the world he lived in and the connection between him and the bugs.

Actors: 

Why is home girl dressed and the others are not?

The acting was all right. I would say half and half. Asa Butterfield was an interesting Ender Wiggins and I enjoyed his performance, but he seemed a bit stiff some of the time. I am not sure if that is how his character is or what. Harrison Ford is awesome of course and so is Ben Kingsley [I love you Ben!]. Nonso Anozie is an amazing Sergeant Dap [for those who don't know who he is, he is Renfield in the Dracula TV series] and I probably like his character the most. He had the strongest emotion out of all the characters that existed in the film.

However the rest of the squirt brigade? Sub par. There were way too many characters introduced in these scenes for me to care about them. Bean? whatever. Commander Bozo..or whatever his name is? Don't care. That one chick that took a liking to Ender? Yeah, I already forgot her name. by the way, I was glad Bonzo died. Yup..the rest of the characters just didn't get enough time for me to develop that connection with them and its sad that had to happen.

CGI:

Barely passable. This was the section that I have to say was the worst. I've seen amazing animation and green screening before. This was not it. You could tell when there was a green screen present. The CGI on the ships looked like they were from a computer game. I think Mass Effect had better CGI, which by the way they stole the look of the citadel from the game. The production value of this was low when it came to the graphics. Probably Ben and Harrison sucked all the money up so the graphic flunkies had to work for peanuts.

Are we playing dominos, yahtzee or vegas lights? I can't tell.

Director: I want Harrison Ford. Get him for me right maow!

Casting: Right away, sexy director, sir!

Graphics Flunkie: "Uh, if we get Harrison Ford, that means we have to downgrade the battle school gravity room sir."

Director: [in regal voice] "Make it so."


Story: 

As I stated previously...if you didn't read the book, you were missing out on a lot of back story. The whole story by itself is epically confusing. I don't really feel for Ender until the very end where a twist just blows me out of the water. If only the story up til then wasn't so shitty that I could appreciate how epically brilliant the ending was. And it IS brilliant. It just would have been more so if the rest of the story was fleshed out a bit more. I would have been OK with an extra 45 minutes of movie time if it resolved all the confusion and developed the characters, situations and story to make this more satisfying. The Hobbit did it...and even though it was WAAAAYYYYY too overdrawn, it really invests in the whole story and not just part of it.


What Ender Should have Destroyed:

1. Teenage Angst -

I honestly don't remember high school being this brutal. Or teens being this angry. Ender has a lot of angst underneath his cold, reptilian composure and the movie barely explains why besides him being terrorized by his brother. If Ender uses the tactic of beating the living shit out of his school mates to prevent them from never screwing with him again, why isn't he doing the same with his brother Peter? He could easily kill him....which by the way...we never learn that both the boys that Ender fights actually die in the book. Even Ender didn't know until after the fact when they lied to his face that they are going to survive. I'm really disappointed they did not include that!

2. The Shitty Security at Battle School - 

Cindy soon realizes that she will never get her threesome...

NOBODY is watching these kids! And when they are watching them, they aren't stopping them fromtrying to kill each other either. Who is seriously running this school? Why were a group of bullies able to corner Ender in the showers. WHY was Ender the only kid that was showering in the first place?

You know how many people escaped from Basic Training when I was at Lackland AFB? NOBODY. You know why? MTIs were stalking the halls waiting to attack and consume trainee blood, that's why. You could not escape from that prison even if you wanted to. They will find you, they will catch you, and then you will be punished into the ground. The fact that a military academy for kids in SPACE has barely anybody watching the kids is really absurd.

3. Who Runs This Joint?

This goes back to the serious stupidity of Battle School. Sergeant Dap is running the yellow training group...so who the hell is running the salamanders? Doesn't every group get a Sergeant? And who is running the school? Harrison Ford could not possibly be running the High School on Earth, Battle School in space and the Commanders School way out yonder in bug country. So what knuckle dragger is keeping this place in shape? There are literally no adults running around. Ever. EVER.

4. Who Are You Playing Again?

Don't worry son, we are going to ruin your life.

OK. I never got the low down of what Harrison Ford's character was supposed to be because he keeps switching positions on me. Was he a talent scout for the chosen one? Was he our Morpheus in this movie? Was he just a high brow officer just hanging around until some one with a killer instinct showed up? Yet again, I get peanuts for explanations here.

5. Major Anderson Departs -

And I still don't know the reason why. My assumption is that Harrison Ford told her he's going to trick Ender into killing all the Formics [the bug aliens], but we never got that satisfaction in the movie. I barely got to know her character before she departed and I was really interested in seeing more of her rather than all the testosterone flying around. So I wonder if this is just like, "Don't be a Menace"? "Sorry, baby: you know there ain't no positive black females in these movies"

6. The Manual Sweep Guys on Planet 'Who the Heck Cares?'

I realized this was different in the book, but in the movie this blew me away. No more than literally a
mall parking lot walk across the way was a cave with the dying Queen bug and her eggling. How did no one ever find this? You would figure if you slapped a base on a nearby planet, you would do a pretty clean sweep before you allow humans to inhabit it permanently. And as usual....where are the guards? Seriously. Why weren't there an assload of guards preventing Ender and his girlfriend from running outside and off the compound? Why wasn't there a perimeter fence? CAN WE GET AN ADULT TO CHAPERONE IN THIS MOVIE?

Everything the light touches is your kingdom, you murderer.

7. Fake Privacy Rights - 

When Ender left his family, he got all of his privacy rights restored. Except for the fact that they are monitoring him and nobody else 24/7. What was the point of giving him his rights back if they were going to observe him in secret any way? This is just like the NSA..."We are totally not listening to your phone calls, just recording all of them to use against you in the future, peon." Did they do that with every other kid? NOOOOOO. I mean if they monitored all the kids they would have seen Bonzo and Ender duke it out. In fact, they would have seen Bonzo about to attack Ender in the shower any way if they were watching Ender's every move. And if they were watching Ender in the shower, does that mean they are watching child porn???

8. Whoever Thought of Using Kids to Kill Aliens was a Dick -

This whole kid concept was confusing to me and was barely explained in the movie. I understood the Hunger Games use of children. Retribution for defiance....sacrifice the kids...make it like a sick television show...bla bla bla. The premise makes sense to me. Raising kids in a video game/war environment and training them to fight a war as children has no real foundation to it. I would understand if you were training these kids into adulthood to become leaders and killers, but the movie made me feel like they thought kids would be a much better choice. Like as if little thought was put into the concept of WHY children rather than why not? Big difference. Also I wasn't exactly sure of the selection process of who goes to Battle School and who doesn't. Peter was too angry, Valentine was too compassionate. However Bonzo was an angry prick, how did that get past the over omni-present Eye of Sauron.

Damn, you should have stayed dead.

9. Mazer Rackham: The Definition of Total Shithead - 

I love Ben Kingsley, but I hated his character. Not only was he a fake causality that was part of the propaganda war machine, he also caused a butt load of damage from all of those falling space planes that fell back to Earth. He also invaded Ender's space during his first night [creepy...] and beat him down like a mysterious Jedi/Ghandi/Ninja just to deliver a cryptic message. Thanks bro, now I will have nightmares of creepy men hiding in corners of my room. Holy shit sticks, Mazer, you are an inconsiderate bastard.

1O. That Guy that was Filming the Final Battle of Mazer Rackham vs the Formics - 

Who the hell was filming Mazer Rackham? I mean the video shots were cool, but who the hell was getting the footage? Was it a drone? Another fighter? You got to know that footage was fake just due to that alone.

11. Lockheed Martin's Shitty Future Version of the F-22 Raptor -

Screw your planes, they still don't work and I hope the alien bugs take a steaming pile of poo all over them so they all crash into the ground.

They always look so peaceful before they die....

12. The Creator of that Creepy Ass Game -

Whoever made the fairytale game is totally twisted. So the first set up of the game is two glasses...one is supposed to have poison and one does not. The giant insists you must pick one. So Ender tries both options and they are both poisoned. So instead of drinking the poisoned glasses, he screws the giant's skull instead. That's DARK AS SHIT. Satan would approve.

13. Ender's Screwed up Family - 

Duuuuuuuude, Ender's family is super angry face dramatic. Peter goes out of his way to try to choke Ender to death, the sister is a helpless little girl, the father is clearly an angry Republican [Damn bugs, get off my lawn!] and the mother seems passionless. No wonder Ender wants to beat other kids to death, I would to in a family this crazy. Actually I'm surprised Ender isn't a psychopath, except those two times he killed a man. His song should really be "Killing in the Name Of" by Rage Against the Machine.

15. They Have No Vocal Chords! -

This whole no vocal chords argument is a crock of shit. If we couldn't communicate with them how in the world did we know they were looking for water on Earth? How did we know anything about them at all? How did we even find out where they lived? There are too many I don't knows around here for me to believe we could not communicate with them at all and figured out what their species was about. I have a feeling this is often how wars get started...

Indigenous People: "Welcome to our homeland. We have plenty of food for everyone."

Invader Leader: "Whats he saying?"

Shitty Interpreter: "I think they want to eat us."

Invader Leader: "Send the small pox blanket! And then chop off their heads, rape their women and eat their babies. They are CLEARLY all savages."

*Everyone starts raping, pillaging and ethnically cleansing the land*

Indigenous People: *collectively shits their pants*

And then we get to learn the luke warm reality through history! Kind of like Thanksgiving.

15. The Crew Follows You - 

So Ender's friends just magically show up at Commanders school, obviously not to become Commanders but to help Ender beat the simulations. So as my expert tells me, Ender specifically requests these people. In the movie...its more of a  "SURPRISE" Birthday Party with the worst gift saved for last [the death of an entire race. SURPRISE!]. Yet again....if I need an expert with me, this movie sucks.

16. This won't hurt at all - 

That nurse that pulled Ender's wire tap thing in his neck. Seriously...that's the same as getting a endoscopy where the doctor said "you will feel minor discomfort...as I shove this tube up your virgin ass." You are RIPPING something out of his neck. Can you seriously not be a tad bit more gentle, you psycho?


So my conclusion is, unless you read the book, you will clearly be lost. The whole movie depends on the viewers just getting it and I feel like there were a lot of scenes missing that could have made this a much better movie about the horrors of war and the manipulation of powerful people. What started as a thought provoking premise became a nightmare of trying to keep up and a mountain of questions stacking against the ceiling. I say don't go into this movie hoping it would be well rounded. It has plenty of flaws and very little character development.

Also...

Ender Cupcakes...choose your favorite loser!

Where the hell were the rest of these groups? The rats, snakes and other units? What was the point of having all 6 of these units displayed for marketing when you only end up introducing two of them? AND I WANT CUPCAKES....

DnD's Rating: 4/1O

Judgment: This movie is just a metaphor for my first Vegas apartment. Except I didn't cry when I killed them all...I rejoiced in their dead little carcasses and feeble murdered spawn screaming for help as I pump acid into the walls to eat their flesh away.

Yes, I am the Harrison Ford of Roach Killing.


P.S. What the hell is this?

Mmmm home-made mystery meat. My favorite.