American Hustle - Revealing 97% of the plot in the first Quarter since 2O13

American Hustle still holds a solid 93% and I don't understand the piss why. This is the second movie this year that has been overrated for me. Maybe I am just getting too use to these big movies expecting a pay off. So any way, David O. Russell brings back his all star cast, Jennifer Lawrence, Bradley Cooper and Robert DeNiro while tacking on a few more [Christian Bale and Amy Adams]. A lot of people state this is supposed to be a Scorcese like movie and if Wolf of Wallstreet is any indication on how this was going to turn out, this is definitely a good comparison. Here comes a different kind of review because...well I can.

How can two cons be so stupid to let this dipshit fool them?

So here is the quick synopsis of this story. Two cons get conned by an ambitious and pigheaded FBI agent to take down a politician by recording him taking bribes. During this time they make friends with the target and place people to make the deal solid. However Ritchie [the FBI agent] becomes too ambitious and begins to push for more, exposing a possible upset in the plan. The cons are trying to find a way out of this mess, but it gets trickier as they get deeper into the operations.

So what do I have to say about this film? It was trying to be all cryptic ops like, but it couldn't even do the most basic thing a movie with a twist ending needs, KEEP THE AUDIENCE GUESSING. They gave us way too much info to make the ending matter. It also was a terrible set up. The sting operation was only a background piece compared to the drama between the characters. The story was just too character heavy and not story driven enough.

Big man Ritchie is walking the dogs

The worst part is you start off with the beginning of the sting and then take a 4O min detour in the background of the characters. Which is..horrifying as a storyteller. Its almost never beneficial to switch from present to past for a lengthy period of time with something that can easily be expressed in a few scenes of conversations. And that is where Russell fails to pull off in the end. I didn't think for one second Amy Adam's character was really in love with the FBI agent. It would have been more of a shock if I never got to hear her say she will seduce him because they need an extra card at the end. Thanks...thanks for spoiling the entire movie.

The worst fake arab ever. Thank God Google wasn't invented.

Also...NARRATION. There are so many great possibilities that can be done without it. Narration in a movie is a lazy man's way to pump out an unwanted scene in a script and not push your cast to perform toward a higher level of emotion. Whenever I see narration, the movie already starts racking negative points. Spoon feeding the audience is a horrible way to begin, continue or end a story. It is almost never needed if you have the right cast and good script writers. Even the Hobbit doesn't use it and we know Bilbo is telling the lads a story!!

Another important thing to mention is the soundtrack is horrible. Its just a terrible mishmash of songs from that time period that do not gel with the movie at all. Jefferson Airplane's "white rabbit" [one of my fav oldies] doesn't even freaken make sense when it appears during the time Rosalyn rushes to the bathroom. Rosalyn wasn't high, she was just wasted and crazy. Which seemed like a typical Rosalyn issue.

You go girl. Power scrub that floor!

Other songs like Donna Summer's "I Feel Love" also crop up in weird places like the dance floor during a not so loving moment. People may not realize how critical a soundtrack is until it is terribly mismatched, but its pretty important for one to pull a vibe off of each scene. Should I feel excited? Tense? Happy? Peaceful? Sexy? Emotional?

Music can drive that, but it can never replace good acting. But you know what's really hilarious? Jennifer Lawrence singing Paul Mccartney's Live and Let Die while cleaning the house. You can hear other characters sing in this story as well. Personally I think this would have been better if it was a musical.

The only interesting characters were shockingly Rosalyn and Irving. Irving was complicated for a con artist and I liked how he wanted not only to win, but also be a good man at the same time. Irving's portrayal was fantastically done by Christian Bale. His wife, Rosalyn was hilarious. She was the monkey wrench in all of Irving's plans and she was a bit on the crazy side, which made her colorful compared to the bland characters involved.

Those curls are the equivalent of duck face photos

Amy Adams was convincing as the female version of the con man, however her character was uninteresting in the grand scheme of things as she lures FBI agent Ritchie in. And Ritchie...don't get me started. His curls make me want to slap him. They are horribly ugly and there really is just no shred of decency with this guy. But I would accept this because he is essentially the villain in this story except for the fact that he feels like every Bradly Cooper character ever performed. Talk about Buzz Kill. Bradley Cooper, no matter how cute he is [and hes adorable], is a terrible method actor. He is the same character with different clothing and that makes it hard for me to see anything through him.

My final beef with this movie is the quote in the beginning "Some of this happened." Now this movie was based off of an actual sting and the characters involved represented the people involved. However much is left to the imagination and that element of realism is almost unnecessary considering this was just loosely based and given plenty of artistic freedom. What was the point of even mentioning it? So people can be drawn into how real it is? This is the world of google search, nothing escapes this generation's finger tips. That line would have worked better with a 195Os crowd.

And I don't even have the decency to finish this review...

The End.

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DnD Rating: 4/1O

Anything after the credits? No

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty - A Day Dreamer's Fantasy into Real Life

When I saw the rating the Secret Life of Walter Mitty received, I was a bit shocked. Ben Stiller has always been consistent with his movies. However he hasn't done a lot of non-comedic films and I am always reminded how much this one feels like Will Ferrel's "Stranger than Fiction." I do agree though that this story, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, was tough to adapt to the screen. How can you possibly stay true to the story when its barely a page or two long? Besides that, the story lacked any sort of point or resolution that I could see. It would make sense to adapt it into a more relateable piece that expressed a message and I loved the message of this film. As some one that constantly day dreams and has wild fantasies, this movie tells you to get out there and live.

Initial Thoughts:

Day Dreaming of Her...Watch Your Back.

I thought that Stiller did a good job on recreating the essence of what The Secret Life of Walter Mitty was about. This is a story about a man who day dreams too much to get away from his current life. Something we all can relate to when we don't want to be working in our dead end jobs or be with our bitchy spouses with a house full of screaming kids.

Surprisingly, there was no one to fight against Mitty's dreams, unlike the written version where he had a wife that nagged him at every turn. It seemed the world around him is used to his zoning out and accepts that is the way he is. What I really appreciated about the film is it felt like you were looking through a magazine. I was impressed by being pushed to see the words written on the walls, on the streets, on signs, and bus stops. It caused me to pay attention more and appreciate the beautiful long shots that featured some of the most stunning scenes I have seen in a movie. *Sigh* Its so dreamy.

Interesting characters:

The story definitely didn't lack a swathe of interesting characters. There are so many to mention: the drunk helicopter pilot that got dumped, the fisherman crew that was hustling to the one bike on the entire island to get to the nudie bar, the afghans that liked clementine cake. Well lets see...who else?

You have the work bully, Ted, who is the new manager that has came in to shut down the publishing division of Time Magazine so they can put up the web division instead. He pretty much looks and sounds like a douche and haunts Walter for negative photo 25...the "Quintessence of Life" and Sean's best photo yet. Too bad Walt can't find it.

You jerk...you made Mitty come all that way for nothing

You have the mystery man, Mr. Sean O'Connell, the brilliant photographer he has worked with for years, but had never met in person. Yes, Sean is a man's man. The guy that Walt and every man wants to be. He has ventured into dangerous territory to get some of the best photos Life has produced over the years. He only trusts Walt with his work and seemed to have an appreciative nature toward Mr. Mitty.

You have the family support, a sister that tries to push/claw/bribe Mitty out of his shell and a mother who is full of life lessons and strength for Walter when he is down. They seem like a great family and Walt shows how dedicated he is in taking care of them.

You have the instigator, Todd from Eharmony who roots for Mitty, pushing him to finish his profile so he can attract his love interest in winking at him. [by the way, Eharmony sucks, just saying] Ha. Todd. What a trip. He was a great distraction at times during the long points of the movie when Walt was traveling.

Also last, but not least, the love interest, Cheryl. The mysterious, perfectly normal starting intern with a son. Cheryl is a fairly one dimensional character and seems to remain flat throughout the movie. Its odd, but she is so normal it bothers me. However it doesn't take away from my enjoyment.

Colors and Details:

Ballin Detail. Run Mitty, Run! DESTINY AWAITS!

Like I mentioned before, the words that blended into the shots were a work of art in itself. There were so many messages that you don't always catch. Just like in this still shot of Walter running past all of the iconic photographs of Life magazine. See the top right hand and bottom left corner? It states: Walter Mitty's Personal Album - Making of a Brave Man / Astronaut Walter Mitty. That indicates "explorer" mode doesn't it? Going into unknown territory and becoming that man he wants to be. How cool is that?

All of this caused me to pay attention to how beautifully artistic this movie was. Its highly recommended to see this film in IMAX considering all the stunning visuals. I also felt that there were a lot of great color choices used for this film. The way Walter dressed was almost like a black and white television screen. No life..very plain, meek. Even his work place seemed so plain. Then when he went on his adventure he chose reds, the colors of the world were vibrant just like his fantasies. There were also a lot of dreamy blues, lively greens and other wonderful details that drove my senses wild. It really impressed me as an artist that he took this story and made it so visual [like the world he worked in] it became a feast for the eyes.

Story:

This would be faster if he just said he liked her...THE END

The story itself wasn't bad per say, but I felt like it could have said more. It seemed like the story was rather safe and didn't present anything deeper which is where I felt it missed the mark on being "ever lasting." What I do love though was the quirky, nonverbal humor. That part of acting where you can laugh even when nothing has been said. The acting from Stiller was excellent and I could feel the power of each action he took as a significant step in his recovery to return to living life. Although I was a little pissed at the real answer to where the missing negative 25 photo was. If I was Walter, I would have choked the man on that mountain. His answer felt like a horrible waste of time going through this entire journey where you practically felt like the dude was leaving clues. Which he wasn't. He was just a dumb photographer that wanted to be cute about it.

But that was not the real mystery, was it? The desire to find out WHAT was that amazing photo he took remains a secret all the way til the end. And I called it as soon as I heard him rant how great it was, but refused to tell him. I will let you all figure out what was negative 25 for your own viewing pleasure. But it was the best treat of all and I couldn't imagine a better ending to the story.



And now time for what Walter Mitty SHOULDN'T have dreamt about:

1. The Benjamin Button Fantasy - I know that is everyone's favorite part, but my God, the horrors of a man baby curling up next to his full grown wife is creepy. A horrible, horrible fantasy.

Stretch Dragon Ball Z on 22nd and 9th St.

2. The Stretch Armstrong Fight - Hilarious at first, it tends to run its course a bit longer than it should and turn into practically a ninja, street surfing fight scene where stretch gives the "oh crap" face and comes to life.

3. Walter's past [not a dream...]- I liked peeking into his past...but that mohawk was just unbelievably out of character. I am just questioning, how can a man change so much?

4. Cell Phone Reception [this has to be a dream because I can't get good reception in California, much less these places] - I don't know what plan Walter is on, but it has some ridiculously fabulous reception on those snowy mountain peaks. And why didn't he use that on the boat if he had a phone that entire time? Christ Mitty. Get it together.

Please tell me how this shit was possible...

5. Crossing into Afghanistan from Yemen [totally not a dream] - I think most people don't know their geography, but YEMEN ISN'T EVEN CLOSE TO AFGHANISTAN. He never mentions how he gets to Afghanistan because he has to cross more than one country just to find Sean O'Connell some where in the mountains. This is not a short hike at all.

There could have had multiple outcomes that would have ended with Walter being dead in almost every scenario.

So to wrap this up, I really do believe this movie should get more credit than it got. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty is a gem that is bright and interesting in its own way. A sweet story about a man who never lived his life up until he was force to become the hero he always wanted to be. The graphics are beautiful, the music is inspiring, and you will find yourself rooting for Mitty all the way through.

Open Your World. Live Life!

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DnD's Rating: 8/1O

Anything After the Credits? Nope, however there are some great things going on during the credits that you might want to stick around for.

Quick Thoughts: "The Other Woman": A Venture into the Flip Side of Cheating

 
The Other Woman is about a woman named Emilia [Natalie Portman] that has the hots for a handsome lawyer, Jack Wolf, and then proceeds to break up his marriage [with a very angry Lisa Kudrow might I add. Yikes!]. The movie doesn't go into too much detail about the beginning except for the fact that his marriage was already falling apart. However the aftermath is really where the movie takes place.

The focus is on Emilia and her mixed emotions inside. She marries Jack under the premise she was pregnant with their child. However beautiful baby, Isabelle, dies suddenly only three days into her life and this is where the main focus takes place. Almost like a cruel punishment, Emilia's sensitivity shows any time anyone mentions anything remotely insensitive about Isabelle. Take into account crazy ex-wife berating her at every turn, an annoyingly kid that takes everything literally while complaining and sprinkle in some daddy issues; you got one hell of a drama.

Unlike most relationships that start as cheating, this one at least attempts to be a family as Emilia tries to move past her issues. I just hate seeing Natalie Portman cry with those big brown eyes. Awww. She's just so adorable when she's sad. Don't cry on screen Natalie, it gets worse before it gets better. Am I right?

But seriously... to the rest of you 'other women' out there, don't take this movie as a sign that things will get better. Apparently only 5% of marriages that start off this way actually do. So 95% of the world is against you. Unless you are Natalie Portman...then things will always get better.

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DnD Quick Thoughts Rating: 8/1O

Netflix Streamable: Yes!

The Wolf of Wallstreet: A Three Hour Obnoxious Ode to Wallstreet's Most Enterprising Criminals

 
The Wolf of Wall Street is about the life of Jordan Belmont [Leonardo DiCaprio] and his merry pack of thieves. A film set up with an all star cast, including Jonah Hill, Matthew McConaughey and that dude, Shane from the Walking Dead [glad you got work as Zombie Shane] and directed by the legend himself, Martin Scorsese [Taxi Driver, Goodfellas, Hugo, Raging Bull, etc].


Down and Dirty [just how we like it]:

Let the Midget tossing commence!

This was so not a small 18O minutes, it felt more like 5 hours. Painfully drawn out. Even the Hobbit felt short in comparison. No, this is a monster of a movie about a man addicted to the high of money, booze, babes and blow. Get ready for a long winded story about the man behind Stratton Oakmont's dirty business and  the fall of an empire.

Get ready for a lot of scenes with snorting, drinking, screaming, screwing, partying, and madness at this hyper indulgent biopic of a Wall Street criminal.







Story:

Im still extorting money by enticing you to watch me screw you.

I have read the story of the Wolf of Wall Street years ago. A man who laundered and extorted billions of dollars through his company. But why? Because we let him. Say what you want about Jordan Belfort, but he was only extorting one of the most ugly emotions of human nature, greed. The story leaps from panel to panel of Jordan's life and the fat cash he has made, becoming King of the Mountain in a few short years. But like all people who roll the dice, his luck ran out in the end.

We would hope that a story like this ends poorly for such a vile example of an anti-hero [if we can even call Mr. Belfort that], but it honestly doesn't. Sure he loses the house, the wife, the kids, and the cash, but hes still kicking in the end. Because a true villain never seems to die, he always manages to recreate himself differently.

Overall the story was drawn out, with scenes that were funny, but took up way too much film time to be impactful and punchy the way the film seems to present itself. The FBI agent parts seemed considerably underwhelming until the end where they finally nail Belfort on camera. Hilarious.


Characters:

Don't worry there is plenty where this came from...

Just a long collection of douche bags that have a taste of the high life and yell the F word every other word. I guess that is the language of Wall Street, but the film seems to present these men as heroes of the trading world. The person you want to idolize in getting rich and the powerful elite. They were untouchable and acted as such. Nothing was too much for these power houses as they steam rolled through each scene.

Leonardo DiCaprio has a flair for the rich prick. I have never seen him in The Great Gatsby, but I certainly have seen his role as Mr. Candy in Django Unchained and I saw a bit of that same rich prick charm in Jordan. The type of charm that contains a hint of smugness that makes you burn inside with anger.

Jonah Hill still plays a fat guy that sounds like a Jewish New Yorker. Jonah's Donny represents Danny Porush, one of Jordan's real life close friends. A man who quit his job to work for Jordan so he could be rich like him. Donny soon becomes Belfort's right hand man and confident as they roll through life in their limos and ferraris.

The rest of the cast is purely just side talk as the focus is all on Jordan and his ridiculousness.


Emotions:

This picture about sums it up....

I honestly didn't feel a lick of sympathy for these guys. The emotions in this film was rather upbeat, light hearted, and comically sarcastic for a film about an enterprising criminal. This could have been presented intentionally to show that Belfort was a total douche that deserved everything he got in the end. But it made me feel more like why am I watching some one prey on the poor? It wasn't easy for me to like his character at all, although his inner monologue was hilarious at times.

But I digress. The witty sarcasm presented in the movie was lost after a while to stupidity and arrogance. Jordan could have clearly bailed out when he knew he was in hot water, but like any addict, he had to roll the dice one last time. And he lost. I just don't believe he learned his lesson in the end. Unlike most people, he got stuck in a white collar prison for a few years, got out to write a book and continued making money as a motivational speaker bringing in tons of people. Think about that. A guy who cheated people millions, is still being paid by people to teach them to get rich. That's like paying a 7-11 thief how to get a job at 7-11.

So what lesson do we take from all of this? That everyone gets their due? That all good things must come to an end? That the rich always get a second chance? Its hard to tell with this Scorsese film. Regret is a word that least comes to mind when it comes to Jordan Belfort.


Violence:

For the most part, there isn't much violence in this film until the very end when things unravel. There is a scene where Jordan hits his wife, twice. It didn't bother me as much [because gosh...it was something different for a change. Hooray for fake spousal abuse!], but it made half the audience faint. So if you are sensitive to female violence, I would just...cover your eyes or make a trip to the bathroom after his second wife asks for a divorce. You aren't missing much.


What Grinds My Gears:

Me. Me. Me.

1. Talking to the Camera - We all know Jordan is telling this story, but its almost self-imposing and narcissistic to tell it yourself. It was probably intentional, but it jolted me out of the story a lot. I never liked the personal insertion of the narrator in any kind of film.

2. Jonah Hill - I'm not exactly sure how accurate Jonah's interpretation of Danny Porush was, but he was not my favorite character. He felt like the second hand henchman to a villain instead of his own dynamic entity Also why didn't this guy upgrade his glasses after being filthy rich? The guy still wore the same horrible glasses since the beginning. Are they afraid people wouldn't recognize Jonah at all without it? I mean..hes Jonah..the only fat guy on screen. How can we miss him?

3. Hrs of Indulgence for What? - What really bugged me was that story telling quickly took a back seat to a marathon of scenes featuring drugs, sex, and alcohol. To the point where it literally got boring to watch. This is the same problem Don Jon had. After every other scene being porn/sex or the talk of porn/sex it had me thinking, "All right already. I get it. He likes porn and sex. Skip please."

The gang...that nobody got to know.

4. Why were the other characters introduced? - There were 4 or 5 other people introduced in this story that made "appearances" but we didn't really know a damn thing about them. I thought at some point they would be fleshed out more, but they never did.

5. What happened to Matthew McConaughey? - I really want to know what happened to that guy. If he was such a great stock broker...you would figure he would have showed up at Stratton Oakmont at some point.

6. Backing up - Sometimes backing up was necessary and funny. Such as the scene where Jordan is so high, he thinks he drove his car safely back home when instead he wrecked the living shit out of it. However this backing up routine is used frequently and a bit unnecessarily for my tastes.

7. The language - I know this is New York and all, but gosh. Does every other word really need to be the "F" word?  I am not sensitive to curse words at all, but diversity people! Diversity!

Overall the Wolf of Wallstreet does have some charm to it from scene to scene. Unfortunately the story is so long it becomes hard to appreciate it toward the end. When you think it is ending...it doesn't for a good 4O minutes. Why this film got such a high rating initially is beyond me. I think they could have cut an extra 45 minutes and it would have been relatively the same story. Now if you excuse me, I got to go wash all the "F"'s off of me.

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DnD Rating: 6/1O

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug...Featuring: Dungeons, Sexy Tree Surfing Elves, Whiny Dragons, and the Itsy Bitsy BIG ASS SPIDERS

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the second installment of the over grandiose journey from the 300 page book that we all know and love. One that I am still shocked that is being split into three very long movies. Now the Desolation of Smaug continues the story of Bilbo Baggins, Gandalf and a band of determined dwarves in their quest to get Erebor back from the wicked dragon, Smaug. Considering this is the meat of the story arc, it is definitely more action packed than the first.

It’s a tale we can all say, is made longer through many side stories that didn’t exist in the book, yet still adds a more interesting twist as it weaves parts of the Lord of the Rings into the prequel. Jackson is clearly preparing to sync The Hobbit with the rest of the trilogy as if it was part of his plans all along.

Bard's a bad ass...j/k guys, he runs for his life most of the movie

So what is different about the movie? It’s been a while since I read the Hobbit, but a few things that stand out are Legolas and Tauriel, Gandalf’s epic battle against the necromancer, as well as Bard’s renegade side story. Purists will snub their nose at the vast changes Jackson has made, but I have to argue that Jackson follows the book quite closely and still delivers the most fantastically detailed version of these stories to date. 

The one change I appreciated was finding out where Gandalf is running off to as it was never explained in the book. It was very typical for Gandalf to dip out of the picture without as much of a word of where he was going except to tend to some “wizard” business that didn’t concern the rest of the mortals of middle-earth.
 

Story:

Overall, well done. We start seeing the effects of the ring on Bilbo even more in this movie as well as a lot more action considering this is part of the rising climax of the story arc for the Hobbit. Although the consistent capturing of the dwarves got old as it happens three different times in this movie, one after another. There just seems like more is happening in this movie than the first one, especially the whole battle with Smaug inside the Lonely Mountain was pretty cool to watch. The elves were great as always and I personally love watching them. Its a shame we didn't get to stay in Mirkwood too long to get to discover a bit more about Legolas's history and how he escaped his father's hideous eyebrow gene.

Beorn goes super saiyan on his spare time

The dynamics between the characters are interesting to note as well. I like how they handled Beorn, although he looked different then how I imagined him, the one thing they definitely got right was his size. I remember him being quite huge. I feel like Jackson made an effort to distinguish the more important characters this time around. The rest of the dwarves though, kind of faded into the background as side characters. A few of them barely had any lines at all instead of the first where I remember everyone of them had at least something to say or contribute. I came to expect that not everyone needs to have equal time. This story really is about Bilbo, Thorin and Gandalf for the most part. Everyone else is just there along for the ride.

I had heard some commentary about how the movie felt, as it ended quite abruptly . Usually I would agree, but I was pretty clear on where the ending was going to be in this movie. Toward the end of the epic battle of Smaug vs. the dwarves, I knew some where this is going to cut off. The closing lines "I am fire, I am death" gave me a feeling of closure around that point. It was pretty clear where the ending was for me. So I wonder if anyone else picked up on that feeling of finality?

CGI:

The CGI gives me mixed feelings at best. At times Smaug looked incredible and exactly how I would envision a menacing, fire-breathing terror. The skin of his throat had me amazed on how realistic it looked in its movement. However there were times where Smaug looked only OK and I feel the close-ups of his face were the worst of it. CGI was used heavily in this film and came into account with the wargs, elves, orcs, and anything else done in multiples. The blend between CGI orcs and real painted orcs was highly noticeable in close fight scenes, making it some what awful once you noticed how different in quality they appeared. Makes me wonder why they didn't blend them a bit better. Peter should know better by now on how easily noticeable a CGI orc and a real orc's movements could differ. The same goes with the tree surfing elves.

Fight Scenes:

The couple that kills together, stays together...

The most outrageous part of the movie were the fight scenes with the dwarves and the elves. Don’t get me wrong, I am sure all of these people are skilled warriors. However the way they managed to slaughter a whole army of orcs or spiders was over the top. Something I would expect more from amateur movies that needed a good laugh, not this one. The Hobbit was designed to be humorous, but I expected things to make more logical sense. Because real fighting is important in fairy tales.


What bothers me the most is this new trend of allowing the fantasy of a bowman to be able to literally go "destructo mode” in close range combat. Its literally ridiculous and getting out of hand in movies. A bow is a long range weapon, people. Its not designed to be used in a life or death situation.  Thank God, Legolas finally pulled out a sword to fight, because God forbid they may need a close range weapon to sustain a fight that a bow can not handle. Buuut..he does go back to using his bow again because you know...its cool and shit. Style points, homie. Its all about the style points.

This is what all husband's fear most...

Gandalf’s Excellent Adventure:

At one point Gandalf has the most gnarly fight in the movie between light and darkness. The coolest CGI fight in my opinion goes to the Grey Wizard and his nemesis, Sauron. 

And then the acid kicks in and the old man is trippin hard right into an iron cage. Beats me why darkness won here, but apparently Sauron has that effect on people. The result is pretty fantastical, I must say.

Prince Legolas's Unnatural Appearance in HD!:

So here is Legolas in the first movie. You can tell this was ten years ago, so he looks more natural and less super HD like. His hair was also more of a golden color in the film and his eyes, even though were blue, sometimes looked brown in some photos on the internet. The elves are supposed to be ungodly beautiful, so I accepted he was a pretty boy with a bow in this movie.



The quality of the new HD has given Legolas an almost unrealistic masking appearance. His hair is also more whitish/silver blond than golden. Legolas did not age that much between The Hobbit and the Lord of the Rings. As his father states in the movie, "A hundred years is a blink of an eye for an elf." 6O years is barely anything for this young Prince, so the subtle differences shouldn't have been as noticeable as they were.

  What Smaug Should Have Desolated

BURN! MY PRETTY! BURN!

1. The asshole who invented stairs and narrow, elevated pathways:

 In the process of watching our heroes step across each pathway and climb up every stair case, my first wonder is "where the piss are the guard rails?" I can't imagine there was never an elf, dwarf or human that didn't accidentally fall off these platforms at one point or another. Am I right? What is up with Middle Earth and walking on platforms with nothing to protect you from falling your ass all the way down a mine shaft? OSHA would be so all over this. That is what Middle-Earth needs...OSHA.

Where are those fruity, tree surfing elves when you need them?

2. Flimsy Webbing:

The point of spiders is that they are nasty things that can spin the strongest of webbing to trap their poor victims. In the Hobbit, apparently that is not true. Not only was it easy for everyone to escape out of the webbing, but it was easy for them to fall through them and onto the ground. 

If these webs are strong enough to support massive spiders crawling over them, they should be strong enough to catch falling people. It was a lazily performed escape in my opinion.





3. Thranduil's eyebrows:     

Exhibit A. Charming

Exhibit B. Child Molester

Exhibit A. This is the actor, Lee Pace. The eyebrows don't look so bad on him. In fact, he's quite handsome.

Exhibit B. This is actor, Lee Pace on elf crack. Look at those eyebrows! BEHOLD THE EYEBROWS!

This is seriously all you see the entire time you watch Thranduil.

4. Peter Jackson's carrot cameos:

For those who haven't seen the movie yet. In the first 3 seconds of the start, director, Peter Jackson walks out  in front of the camera and bites into a carrot. Apparently this drunk guy is STILL eating carrots in Bree many years after in the Lord of the Rings. Which makes NO sense at all because The Hobbit takes place 6O years BEFORE the Lord of the Rings. That carrot eating drunk would be dead by now. Probably from being trampled by horses as he is passed out in the streets.

5. Wormtongue's replacement...unibrow man: 

I'm sexy and I know it.

The conniving servant of the Master of Laketown, unibrow man, also known as Alfrid, seems very much like a Grima Wormtongue like character. Whispering in the master's ears, telling him who is against him. The man is in short stature compared to the man who runs the city. I personally hate this character. One, because it was a carbon copy of the slimy Wormtongue that was in the original books. Two, because he has a hideous unibrow which OF COURSE HE IS THE BAD GUY. Three, because without him, the chasing Bard subplot wouldn't exist. In the book, Bard was not a fugitive and this man is the whole reason Bard has like 99 problems. I say get rid of him. Do we need him? No. Jackson just wanted more conflict.


6. The Two Thugs in the Beginning:

Their stare...was absolutely hysterical. I started laughing immediately due to the cartoonish fixation they had on Thorin. If Thorin couldn't figure out he was in danger I would say turn in your sword, buddy. You don't deserve to be King Underneath the Mountain. What a terrible bunch of contract hit men.

7. Teleportation: 

You mean you had this ability the entire time?!

There is a scene in the movie where they finally get to the lonely mountain, something failed in their plans and they decided to head back down. It was CLEAR in several shots that Bilbo was alone when he discovered the keyhole. No dwarf to be found. They all went down the carved stone sword of the giant stone dwarf and vanished. Jumping for joy, Bilbo accidently drops the key and it is caught by Thorin showing up with ALL of the dwarves! First off...there is no effin way Bilbo couldn't have heard them racing back up. The dwarves are noisy as shit and are half the reason they get in trouble. Second, there was no way all of them got up that quickly. Maybe Thorin since he was the last to leave, but every one of them? If they had that ability all along, they certainly waited a long ass time to reveal it.


8. DING! MAIL TIME!:

Azog plays peekaboo with the dwarves

It was the most bizarre thing. Azog was closing in on the dwarves and out of no where an orc rode in and gave him a summoning! How in the world did they find Azog and his crew? Do they have trackers in middle earth? Like a Track an Orc App? It was such a buzz kill and I think Azog felt the same. Finally...dwarf flesh is so close to feast upon and then....

Random Orc: Sorry, I know you are about to have dinner, but the dark one needs you right now.

Azog: Right now?

Random Orc: Right now.

Azog: WHAT THE FUUUUUUuuuuuDDDDgggggge? [what? All orcs scream death metal when they are angry]

9. The Wargs:

I will say it once, and I will say it again. THE WARGS SUCK in Jackson's Lord of the Rings. I always imagined the warg's to be these sentient wolves that were more intelligent than riding hogs. They took one of my favorite species in this universe and really dumbed them down.

9. Smaug's whininess: 

Dun...Dun....DUUUUNNN!!!

First off, I love dragons. Ask me what I love most...Ironman comes first, Dragons second. Smaug struck me as an incredibly whiny brat of a beast. When the dwarves get the best of him inside the mountain, all Smaug did besides piss out fire was moan about how unfair they were being and how everyone is against him. Then he turns and whines "If I can't defeat you, ILL JUST BURN EVERYONE YOU LOVE!" *SNIFF!* OK, he didn't say that, but close enough.  It was amazing how this big, tough, arrogant dragon seemed so darn bratty and whiny when he couldn't snuff out a band of dimwitted dwarves.


DnD's Rating: 8/1O

What did you think of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug? Comment below!

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After the Credits? None, unfortunately. Guess we will have to wait to finish this chapter next year. Augh.

Heart Plays the Best Damn Rendition of Led Zepplin's "Stairway to Heaven" I've ever heard

The band Led Zepplin, responsible for the a cornucopia of hits was being honored at the Kennedy Center Honors Ceremony last year in December alongside David Letterman and Dustin Hoffman. This was the result of a breath taking rendition of one of their most famous songs, painting a beautifully sad story with the power of music. Its amazing how the simple difference of a woman's vocals change the dynamics without changing the spirit of the song itself. The coolest part is that the dude banging on the drums is totally John Bonham's son, Jason. You did your father proud, bro! And in case you would like to have the lyrics..here you go:

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying a stairway to heaven.
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed
With a word she can get what she came for.
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying a stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings.
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings,
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west,
And my spirit is crying for leaving.
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking.

Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon, if we all call the tune,
Then the piper will lead us to reason.
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long,
And the forests will echo with laughter.

If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now,
It's just a spring clean for the May queen.
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run
There's still time to change the road you're on.
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know,
The piper's calling you to join him,
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind?

And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last.
When all are one and one is all
To be a rock and not to roll.

And she's buying a stairway to heaven.

Thor 2: The Dark World - Lets face it, Loki is the ONLY REASON this movie exists...

Thor 2: The Dark World has thundered into theaters with a mighty roar and frankly has came out with some scars, but still victorious at 65% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I can't say I am fond of the Thor movies. The first one was horrible and a waste of a good actress [Natalie Portman]. Yes, yes, I admit, Chris Hemsworth [Thor] is hot. Standing at a gallant 6'4 and bulging muscles, he does at least look yummy with his shirt off [which we totally never get enough of Marvel *hint hint*]. But his character is as dry and boring as cardboard. There is just no edge to Thor. He is the good son and like all good sons, must always do the right thing. The only thing that was good about the first movie was Loki and their brotherly bickering dynamic. And lets face it, Loki is the ONLY REASON this movie got a decent rating.
 
First Impressions:

This is the movie in a nutshell...

Think of Star Wars mixed with Lord of the Rings with a hint of Asgard and Quantum Leap. This is all kinds of mixed up on what genre it wants to be. I was miffed at all the classic star wars sounds and spacecrafts that were moving around. The Night Elves also seemed like a complete waste of story space as they only advanced the plot with very little purpose and even less passion.

Don't get me wrong, there were a lot of fun moments in this movie. It was awesome to see Chris Evans [Captain America] make a small cameo. The likability of this flick was Loki's greatest trick yet, even with its infinite amount of flaws. The movie was definitely better than the first. However I still have a lot of bones to pick with it.






Story:

Night elves look strangely like Romulans from the movie, 3OO

The story was, for the lack of better words, not terrible. They had an interesting premise that got really muddled up by character dynamics and drama. So the Night Elves want eternal darkness and Asgard does not. Then the worlds are going to align and collide, but its OK because we just got to wait when they are out of alignment. Oh wait, that's right some ancient evil is sitting under a rock that can EASILY escape into a host and wretch on the world with its super infinite abilities. Which makes me wonder why it stayed under the rock for so long if it could easily escape?

So, any way, the Night Elves want their super blood powers back so they can bring eternal darkness during the 9 realm alignment. This is basically the most convenient cluster of the year that only could happen in a comic universe. Natalie Portman has a bigger role but is just as useless and pathetic as normal. She spends the first half of the movie moping around that her Viking God boyfriend hasn't came back in 2 years. Then she spends the second half freaking out, sleeping and maybe doing some useful science shit. OH yeah. That's right. We all forgot didn't we? She's a scientist...her power is science. And yet she still manages to be so useless it just eats me up inside.

The good thing is there are a lot of GREAT references to the Avengers in this movie and Loki of course. Which brings me to the whole discussion on why this movie made my "Give a Shit" list.

Loki:

And this is why Loki can't have nice things...

Yes I had to make my own category. This guy is phenomenal. Loki is your down to the word, perfect archetype of the "Trickster/Joker" character. Loki will never be a leading role character [at least not in these movies], but he is truly the best thing about them. For him to be completely removed would give a drawn-out, bland story about Thor and his completely dependent girlfriend, Jane. Unlike the two of them, Loki is witty and full of great lines and fun. He is written as the comic relief even within his sinister nature.

I also would like to add that he keeps this rather cheesy story light as Thor is a boorish oaf that takes himself way too seriously. Loki balances the movie out perfectly with his carefree, yet manipulative demeanor. Tom Hiddleston [Loki] is really the best thing that ever happened to these movies. He has more passion and motive than Thor could ever have and I at least respect his motives even if they are wrong. I think I felt more emotions about Loki receiving the news about his mother's death than Thor witnessing it. Loki never had a chance to say goodbye.



Favorite Loki line:

Random Asgard Friend: If you betray him...
Loki: ...you'll kill you? Evidently there will be a line.


The BEEF:

Beef #1: There is not enough of this, marvel!

Technology: Holy crap make up your fricken mind, Marvel! Asgard..."where the one ring to rule"...I'm sorry wrong story. What I mean to say was, "Where technology meets magic!" Its like this world is upside down. We have technology and magic for days to shoot, protect and murder things, but we don't have enough to help save people who got stabbed? You know how hard it is to die from stabbing Marvel?? In a world with that much magic and technology at that? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?? Also why does it take FOREVER to get that magical shield up? Asgard, I know you are ancient as the dawn of time, but I'm pretty sure you could have built a faster generating shield than that!

And the most irrelevant death of the year goes to...

The Stabbing: Who gets stabbed once and dies instantly? Why are Asgardian women so frail? Why weren't there more guards in the room? Why do guards suck at shooting rather large objects? Why didn't she cast her own tricks so she wouldn't die? She can't do two tricks at once?

Meaningless Deaths: I know, I know. I am still on the stabbing deal. However this happens more
than once in this movie. They didn't build Frigga's character up enough for me to feel even an ounce of emotion when she died. She had a whole ceremony with the rest of the dead people to be casted out into sea on fire. This is a tradition I thought was only for rich people, but they did this for all of the dead as well. I didn't see this in the first movie. Were the people who died in the first movie given the middle finger?

The Jealousy that Never Was: So warrior Asgard chick wants Thor to park in her garage and SOME HOW this side plot vanishes half way through the movie. Why? Why would Marvel elude to a possible jealousy, cat fight problem when Jane came back into the picture and not follow through? She's not jealous anymore? Bull shit.

Evil juju gets around like the HIVs...

Inconsistent Effects of Evil JuJu: When Jane possesses the evil juju, she's as cute as ever...except when her eyes turn black...or blue...or whatever the special effects department feels like that day. However with the Night Elf..his skin tone turns ashy grey and his eyes turn red. Except when its blue again. PICK A COLOR SCHEME AND STICK WITH IT.

Cutting a hand off with a dagger: I know we all want to believe some one can chop a hand off with a dagger, but seriously? I was really skeptical when I saw this and if I was skeptical, Night Elf man should have been SUPER skeptical! There is no way you can hack off a man's hand with a dagger in a clean swipe. I knew after I saw that he DIDN'T BLEED, unless the dagger has cauterizing capabilities, that this was an illusion for sure.

Good ol pops...he gives great gifts.

Thor Never Gets in Trouble: So Thor breaks all the laws  and he doesn't get in trouble? Why? Did his friends get in trouble? Is it his dashing good looks or the "I want my son to be king" ordeal? I can see why Loki hates his guts. The kid is invulnerable to punishment!

Thor's Magic Hammer: I feel sorry for Thor's hammer. It is always so reliable and always comes when he whistles. But falling between worlds sounds like a drag. His hammer is hopping into space, dropping back down, going back into space. I can see his hammer screaming "MAKE UP YOUR MIND THOR! Stay in one realm damn it!"

Captain Coincidence Strikes!: I hate to say this, but when Jane and Thor ran into the cave and found the wormhole that can take them back to her world instead of getting stuck in the dark world, that really was way too convenient for the plot. There was no struggle, desperation or feelings of being lost forever. There was a "Oh look, we just happen to find the cave that goes back to my world. Cool. That was easy."

So overall, yes I bashed the movie quite a bit, but like I said before, it was not all bad. Great actors, good dialogue really make the bulk of why this is 65% fresh. However its story law inconsistencies and meaningless plot movements tend to shadow the good this film has. Thor still has a long way to go, but it can't be worse than Captain America, can it? can it???

I leave you to ponder this...

What did you think of the new Thor movie? Let me know!

DnD's Movie Rating: 6/1O

Bonus Clips at the End? You bet! There are two clips at the end. DON'T MISS OUT! One comes shortly after the credits start and the other is after the end of the credits. Enjoy!